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A Brief Summary... and a Rant - Abadoss' Mind
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Sun, Feb. 8th, 2004 10:46 am
A Brief Summary... and a Rant

I haven't updated my journal a great deal as far as actual content for a few days, so I'll just generalize a bit.

This past week has been okay. I've not felt as utterly distraught as I have before, but I'm still trying to figure things out. I know that I need to move on, but when it comes to major points in my life, I'm not going to be rash. I don't like making split-second decisions for anything more than where to get lunch or which shirt I should wear today.

Anyway, I'm trying to balance in my head about dating. I know that as it stands, no matter what my decision, I'm not in a position to begin a relationship of that type. It's a scary process for me. I've known nothing else in my life.

What bothers me the most is that I don't know who I will be if I let myself pursue dating. Right now, my mind is very much in control, but in order to sustain a relationship, I'd need to allow my emotions to be open. I suppose it's not necessary, but it's the way I'd envision a relationship. There's still so much I don't know about my emotions and I don't know what they'll do to me if I allow them to be open.

But then, I have to think about the fact that I am really beginning to feel lonely. I really want some form of companionship with a woman. I'm not totally convinced that I can't get what I'm looking for through friendship, but it seems that most signs are pointing the other way. My main problem with this is that a lot of the girl here are very cliquish to each other. It's very much the guys and the girls, which makes it difficult to build any kind of relationship, whether friendship or what not.

On the other hand, I still have the remnants of my commitment (now six years old) that I have to deal with. I may be stubborn at times, but this isn't one of those cases. I'm really concerned about it. I made my commitment in full faith that it was where God was leading me, but as I come into the present, I'm wondering where I should be going. Who's to say that I need drop the commitment altogether? Why can't I just revise it? It's difficult to imagine a revised version, though. For something so simple, how do you change it without making it completely different?

There's one other thing that worries me. If I were to decide that I wanted to date, what would become of the first girl I ask out? There's a lot of crap held back in my heart and the last thing I would want is a "breaking dam" effect to occur on whoever that poor soul would be. Dating for dating's sake is not a concept I'm willing to accept for myself. And using some girl as a test subject is far beyond what I'm willing accept. I want to think that I could keep myself from doing that, but the chances of it happening are just far too great.

Now that I've done that, I'm going to go to lunch and then play rehearsal.

Current Mood: discontent discontent
Current Music: "Guardian's Sending" -Sal


Sun, Feb. 8th, 2004 02:44 pm (UTC)

"When a man and woman see each other and like each other, they oughta come together – wham! – like a couple of taxis on Broadway, and not sit around analyzing each other like two specimens in a bottle."
– Stella, Rear Window

If you see a girl you like, ask her out. Should you be compatible, great, and if not, you gave it a try. If you don't see a girl you like, then chill and make what good of the bachelor life you can.

You don't have to a buy a wedding ring, or give up God, or dwell on your past crushes to cross over into the realm of dating. I really think you have a tendency of making this process a lot harder on yourself than it has to be. Don't sweat it, and you'll do fine.

Sun, Feb. 8th, 2004 05:19 pm (UTC)

I tend to agree here. I know that, in my experience, I've done a lot of over-analyzing that, when I look back on it, helped nothing and made me crazy for no reason. Asking one girl out on a date doesn't mean you have to date her again, or have to suddenly change anything. I am very ardently Christian, but I went out on a lot of dates with people that were nice or were good friends. Until I met the man who would be my husband, nothing ever clicked, but I had a wonderful time getting to know, in a very pure way, a lot of different types of people. Having gotten to know so many people helped me to know the real thing when it came along.

Also, it's good to be yourself; but keep in mind that you don't have to reveal everything that's on your mind in the first, third, or even fiftieth date. Take a deep breath, make a decision one way or another, and then take your time. The Song of Solomon says not to "stir up or awaken love until it so desires." That is very true advice.

And one more thing (whilst I am standing on my soapbox)--remember that no one person can fulfill everything within you. Work on broadening your network of friends and acquaintances, whether you date or not. This takes work on your part. You can't expect people to see past your exterior and into your heart; that only works in the movies. Meeting that one that makes your heart sing is an incredible and special thing, but that one doesn't deserve to have your baggage dumped on her.

My best wishes, no matter what you decide!

ReplyThread Parent
Sun, Feb. 8th, 2004 07:17 pm (UTC)

No matter what the first girl will be a "test subject", as you put it. No matter what. Even if this first girl turns out to be the one you choose to marry, the fact is that this relationship will be your first foray into the unknown.

So stop looking at things that way.

Second, don't get into a relationship because you're lonely. If you're lonely, make friends. Make friends of both sexes. Ask a girl or two out to dinner or coffee. Find people that you are compatible with. Those people will be your friends for life.

And if something happens with one of them, hey. That's great.

Take your first relationship seriously. I want to tell you not to get in too deep, but I know that's how first relationships are, and I wouldn't want to rob you of any of that. The love, the joy, the glory and sometimes the pain. All will be extreme.

But you will survive and come out on the other side clean. I truly believe that you cannot have a healthy relationship until you have had your heart torn out and stomped on. Because without that extreme suffering how will you ever realize what the best things are out there?

It's a careful balance. Just remember that, in the end, you are who you are. Don't change that for anyone. And if someone decides to hurt you, be it on purpose or on accident, it will be, in the end, all for the best. Keep your chin up and life has nowhere to go but up.


Tue, Feb. 10th, 2004 03:40 pm (UTC)

I really want some form of companionship with a woman. (http://realdoll.com/studio.asp)

Kenneth Edward Keyn
Tue, Feb. 10th, 2004 04:34 pm (UTC)

I think we may have some miscommunication about the usage of the words "companionship" and "woman"...

ReplyThread Parent