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Free Write - Abadoss' Mind
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Wed, Jan. 21st, 2004 04:31 pm
Free Write

Basically, all this entry will be is stuff that I'm randomly going to think of as I type. The main problem with such an entry is that it's often so difficult to start. Once you've started, there's only to finish it, so that's rarely ever a problem. Personally, I have no idea why I'm doing this, other than the fact that I'm incredibly bored here at work. I can't say that I'm going to allevate any of it by doing this, but it's the best thing I could think of right now.

I suppose what's most prevalent on my mind is how I'm perceived by other people. It's really difficult to know how others view me as a person. For those of you here on LiveJournal, it's not as much of a big deal since I have more control over the words that I use than how I appear. I wouldn't necessarily say that I worry about it, but it does cause me some concern. I know that I can't live without social interaction and that I feel like I'm in a bit of a dry spell right now, so it's important that I know if my personality keeps people from wanting to be around me.

In all honesty, there's really no way that I'll ever be able to know unless it were to come to extremes. Even by asking that kind of a question of someone would skew the answer. Most people would feel put on the spot by that kind of a question, so I can't ask it, but I almost feel a need to. Perhaps one day, I can have a clearer picture, but for now, I'm still left in the dark.

I've also been wondering about the way I express my "issues", as well as the way I think about them. One example would be small talk. The way I think about small talk is that I'm absolutely horrible at it and that it doesn't seem to do anything. While it might mostly be true, there's a hint of exaggeration that's kinda making uncomfortable. I know that I am capable of small talk (since I do it everyday), but I suppose I'm not seeing the kind of results I expected. Small talking has produced positive effects, but they aren't the kind of effects that I want. What I want is to somehow develop really strong friendships with people, but the only way I know of is to either go through some horrific tragedy together or to small talk.

I suppose I put a little too much into friendship. It seems like I'm looking for something in friendship that most people don't expect to even find in marriage. What kind of an expectation am I placing on these poor people who just would like to have a conversation about something like what time their classes are? I suppose I've never really expected anyone to live up to that kind of a standard, but I've always hoped that someone would. I just feel like I don't have a social outlet.

But what if I do, in fact, have a social outlet in people that I simply take for granted? Or people that I would not consider as being those I'd like to talk to? I'm worried that I may be hypocritical when it comes to this issue. I have people that occasionally try to engage me in various things (legal), but generally speaking, most are of an immature or an overly energetic nature. Obviously, I'm still willing to be friends with them, but I end up spending more energy and holding back more of myself than what I would hope to achieve with a friendship with someone of my own ilk.

I suppose in some senses, I'm probably experiencing some form of biological need to find a wife, but life is not about the drives of human genetics, but of the choices and emotions of the human mind and heart. I want more than anything to one day find a wife who is the epitome of companionship, but until I can ready my life for her, I must continue to seek friendships. The only problem I seem to have is that I don't think that I am making a distinction between what I would look for in a wife and what I'm looking for in a good friend. It's one juggling act that's not too entertaining.

I also have a major problem with my society and the way that I've lived my life. In almost all cases, I give more credit and value to friendships I have with women. A lot of that is rooted in the fact that I think very negatively about men. It's not that I'm totally against having friendships with men, it's just that I have this, most likely distorted, viewpoint in my mind that men are really shallow. When it comes to men, in order for me to give value to that kind of a friendship, the guy has to prove to me that he's not and that he's the exception to the rule. It's not fair for me to hold that kind of an opinion, and, in a way, it is technically sexist.

However, I think that in turn, I also place a bit too much value on women. As far as I can remember, I've always had more friends of women than of men. I grew up with a single mom, who has always been a wonderful mother. I almost hold women on a pedestal. A woman, in my mind, has to prove herself shallow before I loose value in that friendship. It's this weird reverse sexism and it scares me that I think that way.

I wish that I could without reserve consider all people equal, but that in itself isn't necessarily a good thing either. There are two extremes to the balance: prejudice, in which our country has become highly sensitive about; and indifference, which has almost become the route that we are heading to. Both are not good. Both extremes trample the lives of others. Both are things we should avoid. But how do you implement a paradox? In most cases paradoxes appear on their own and have to be worked out, but to put one in is simple unheard of.

Why is that? What is so wrong about paradoxes that our culture always assumes that it's an error? Why can't we accept a paradox as a paradox and actually learn to understand them by no longer trying so hard to figure them out. Paradoxes aren't meant to have a definite answer. The way that I've always perceived them was as never-ending movement. Just like the electrons in an atom, it moves so quickly that it seems to be all places at once. A paradox is no different. To stop the movement would destroy it's purpose. It's purpose is to move and to be in motion constantly... consistently.

Anyway, that was a really far off tangent. Though, in essence, this entire thing is a tangent. Whatever. Well, if you made it this far into this, you should be congratulated.

Current Mood: contemplative contemplative
Current Music: "..." -Fellow workstudy employee mumblings


Mon, Mar. 29th, 2004 10:25 pm (UTC)
I believe you are correct...

Are you sure you are looking for a wife? It sounds to me like you are leaning towards the other sex... based on your views of each sex and the way you judge them.
Yes your personality does affect how people perceive you and makes them not want to be around you. You hold too high of standards for those in your age group. You cannot expect things to be any different based on your methods and uptightness.