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The Shifting Tides - Abadoss' Mind
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Sun, Dec. 28th, 2003 02:15 pm
The Shifting Tides

I suppose it's fair to say that I do spend a lot of my time thinking about stuff that I probably should spend more time doing something about. However, thought is something I know well and am familiar with, where as taking action is something that I'm not too comfortable with. Words are my allies and actions are my challenges. Now that I've said the same thing three times in a row, in three separate ways, I'm just going to move on.

For at least half of my last semester, I've been in counseling. One of the things that we've been talking about is dating. For almost exactly six years, I've held pretty firmly to, what I coined as, the "No-Dating Policy". However, as I'm growing and changing, I'm wondering if such a thing is necessary any more.

I first created my "No-Dating Policy" after becoming infatuated with Kristy. I had just prior made a promise to wait until God let me know that it was okay to date. But then, I met Kristy and my entire mindset was thrown into disarray. I had no idea what to expect, I had no idea what to think, and I certainly had no idea what to do. I had a lot of questions that I couldn't find answers to. I needed something to give resolution, something upon which I could base my actions.

Around Christmas time, I got a hold of a book called I Kissed Dating Good-Bye by Joshua Harris. The thing about this book was that it based it's arguments upon a lot of what I already felt within my own life. It didn't condemn those that did date and it didn't suggest that everyone must follow what it had to say. More than anything, the book was a catalyst. I'm pretty sure that I haven't gone exactly by what the book says (I don't even remember a lot of what it says), but it gave me something to use as measurement for my life.

The only problem I noticed immediately was that I still was unable to pull my emotions away from Kristy. I was still attached. I trudged along fighting my emotions and my pain that came from them. I was at war with myself, but I knew where I was going.

My commitment helped me define a lot of who I was during that time and it help define my actions for the following years. However, each year, I found myself falling again into war. Each year, I would find myself infatuated with another girl. After Kristy, came Crystal, then came Karen, and Hannah, and Ashley, and now Leeceil.

During my Junior year of high school, I became infatuated with Hannah. It was a time that I will not forget. I invested so much emotion into someone I had created in my mind. I had never felt such strong emotion up until that point. I was overwhelmed and I found myself questioning my commitment seriously for the first time.

I wondered if the possibilities for love were enough that I could let go of my commitment and not be destroying my life. I wondered if there was more to life than waiting. This conflict in my mind was tearing me up and I didn't know what to think and I didn't know what to do. I would have to come to a decision or I would be lost. As the story goes, I never did come to a decision, but kept on wondering: Was my commitment any longer appropriate for my life?

I'm fortunate that time has a way of resolving itself it one form or another. By the end of high school, I was grateful that I would never have to see or hear from Hannah ever again. Yet now, since a bit of time has passed, I'm able to talk to her and I enjoy doing so and I look forword to the next time I can talk with her.

But time has still left me with no definite answer about my commitment. I know that if I choose to ditch it, I'm not going to go out and ask some random girl to go out with me. I know that, if I decide to keep with it, I'm still going to have problems with infatuation. I also know that regardless of what I decide, I'm in no position to sustain a relationship other than friendship at this point. There are a lot of arrows pointing toward letting it go, but there's a lot of what I know in keeping it.

It's scary to think of putting it down. It's been like a shield for me. It's been an excuse, it's been an answer, it's been a crutch, it's been a bandage... it's been a lot of things. I can't afford going from one girl to the next emotionally. I am a man of loyalty. I don't let go very easily. I'd almost say I never let go completely. I suppose that applies to my commitment as well as everything else. I would like to believe that I have an enormous capacity for love... and for a time, my commitment has helped me not to destroy myself in it.

But where does that leave me now. I know my own emotions concerning infatuation. I've gone through them all several time now. It's not much more than a constant annoyance now. But I'm still left with a longing. I'm longing for something substantial. I'm longing for something that I can hold on to that will work for my life and won't cause consistent pain. I need a new commitment.

What that may be, is beyond me at this point. At some point, I have to revise my commitment. If I do it now, I'll have to do it again. If I wait until later, I'll still have to revise it again. Eventually, when I get married, that will be the final revision, but I think that as marriage grows things do change there as well, so I might as well count whatever decision I make as just one of many yet to come. That bothers me enough on it's own, but it bothers me more that if I don't make a decision, I won't be able to make any of the other ones.

So, I'm back where I started with nothing more than several paragraphs of inane babble. There are times when I wish that I didn't think so much about all of this. It's not much more than beating around the bush, or more appropriately, beating myself up about it. If you've ever wondered where I've learned to be so critical, it's from criticizing myself. Anyway, this is a tangent...

At this point in my life, I think I'm willing to revise my commitment, but I'm not sure to what. I don't think I'm going to start dating, I'm just not ready for it, but I don't know what kinds of revisions I could make to my commitment that would leave me six years down the road trapped again in my own miserable state. I need something a little more flexible.

Whatever it is, I have to take into account that I'm tired of trying to be a Vulcan. I can't stuff my emotions away like I could before. I'm not a robot. I may have forgotten how to express a great deal of my emotions, but I sure as hell still have them. I just have to learn how to reincorporate them into my life.

If you got this far into my rant, I'm really impressed. I'm not quite sure how you could've managed that.

Anyway, I don't know what I'm going to do. I still don't know what to think.

Current Mood: confused confused
Current Music: "The Model of a Modern Major General" -Gilbert and Sullivan