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Interesting.... - Abadoss' Mind
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Fri, May. 24th, 2002 11:05 am

I took a quick look over my journals and found the strangest thing: Out of the 28 entries I've made 12 of them aren't classified friends or private! That means that for every three journals I don't classify friend or private, there are seven more journals that are. It kinda makes me wonder.

I've been taking a lot of time to try to understand things about myself, lately. I've been focusing my energy on trying to understand why it is that I do the things I do and feel the way I do. I have no intention of trying to control them this time, but I just need to know what's going on.

In this endeavor, I've also been asking myself if I truly loved Hannah. It's one thing to be infatuated, but quite another to be in love. I know that I have my theories and opinions about what love should and should not be, but I can't tell if what I'm feeling is love.

As far as I know, this could be just another crush that I'm going through that will fade and pass. I really hate to think of it that way, but that does seem to be the direction of things as of lately. It kinda pisses me off, too. I have all the opportunities in the world for things and I keep screwing them up.

My life would be so much easier if I could simply forget my commitment for a while and get a girlfriend and go about my life with ease and simplicity. However, I would never be satisfied. Ignorance is bliss, but truth is freedom. There's a great responsibility on my shoulders to uphold my values.

I should follow my values blindly, though. I understand that my morals are strong and mostly practical, but it's my job to weigh and balance them. I can't go through life without expecting that somewhere my values will not falter or simply fall away. I owe it, if not to God, then at least to myself to try to filter them.

I suppose one of my main concerns is that I never give myself the opportunity to test whether or not they are valid. I'd like to think that I can base everything off of what I've observed in others and of what I've learned from those who have talked to me, but I know that experience is never taught. I guess I'm just afraid of losing myself to it. Now that I have all this "knowledge", being "ignorant" again seems too harsh a punishment.

There's so much I simply don't know. Socrates would say that I'm on the right track, but that really isn't good enough for me. I would have to say that my greatest desire is to know what my purpose is here on Earth. I already know I have a purpose, I just don't know exactly what it is yet. I pray that God will reveal it to me soon.

In the meantime, I will be a musician and work toward finding the deeper things in music. So far, my goals will be to finish out college with a doctorate in music and write, perform, and produce music until I get enough money and experience that I can open a conservatory for people like me who aren't really into the whole academics thing, but who truly have a passion for their arts. The working name right now is the "Keyn Institute for the Entertainment Arts".

Anyway, I'll just keep thinking.

Current Mood: lonely lonely
Current Music: "James Brownin' in Space" -djpretzel