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A World of Madness... - Abadoss' Mind
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Sat, May. 11th, 2002 11:19 pm
A World of Madness...

So much time has past. I look at myself in the mirror each day wondering if there will be some change. I'm thankful that I can see a difference, but I'm still stuck in so much of the same patterns.


So much of my life is absorbed in her. I think about her constantly. I cannot describe the pain and frustration that I'm going through right now. My heart breaks each passing day as I sit next to her and as I gaze at her. There are so many reasons for not liking her, but I still do.

What is it about her that makes me feel like this. As beautiful as she is, I know it's not that. There is something about her. I don't know what it is. Was it the challenge? Was it the music? Was it kindness? How did I fall for her in the first place? Why do I wonder if this feeling is actually love?

Love is kind, not jealous, and loyal. Love is not just an emotion, but a constant and conscience decision. So where does that put me?

Just so everyone is caught up... I left off at how I was talking to Pat and Rachele about Hannah. Well, talking to Rachele blew up in my face. I think after giving Hannah the necklace, she became a little suspicious of my feelings and began asking around. Rachele told her the truth.

I got pissed off at Rachele because I thought that she went out of her way to tell Hannah (I later called Rachele and talked to her about it). So, Hannah knows. Knowing that she knew, I gave her a call and I told her on the phone that I've had a crush on her since mid-November.

Before then, I was starting to build a better friendship with her, but afterwords things have gotten a little rocky. She always seems very disturbed, in a way, by me. It's like a combo between scared and disturbed, though. I don't know what it is because she won't tell me. Maybe she's too afraid to say anything, I don't know. In the meantime, I'm sitting there like an idiot wondering why she won't talk to me anymore.

I want to be her friend first. I want to be able to talk to her about anything. I want her to be able to talk to me about anything. I want to be able to simply be with her without an air of awkwardness. Most of all, I want her to want this, too.

I don't know what to think about all of this. I've spent so much of the little energy I've had to try to understand, but it's not working. I'm losing my wits, my strength, and my stamina. I am in pain.

I want Hannah to be happy, so I've been trying to keep my distance. I wish that I could just embrace her, but I know better. When she's gone, I miss her. When she's near, I feel her. I can't help but look at her.

I wish she would tell me how she feels. Why can't I let go?

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Current Mood: restless restless
Current Music: "O'er the Ocean" -Kenneth Edward Keyn