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What Dreams May Come... - Abadoss' Mind
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Tue, Mar. 26th, 2002 07:43 pm
What Dreams May Come...

Well, today was fun. We got to play traditional Korean percussion stuff and make paper jewelery boxes. The day was overall, fine.

But last night, I had a very disturbing dream. I don't normally remember my dreams, but it continued on until I was awake, so I remember most of it. It was really strange because a lot of what was in the dream wasn't true outside of it. Also, a thing to keep in mind is that, recently, I've come to consider Erik my best friend. It's kinda weird to me, but it makes a lot of sense.

Anyway, in the dream, me, Erik, and several faceless friends were having some sort of get-together. For some reason Erik had a sister. At some point we get some sort of wine or something in Go-gurt tubes. However, Erik's sister laced his wine with loads of sugar (for some reason Erik is diabetic). By this time, we are already in a weird vehicle that has a phone pad on the dashboard and 911 is separated into 9 and 11. So we drive (I don't remember if we ever got in an ambulance) to the hospital after a while.

Once there, I try to talk a crack detective (police) about Erik. They tell me that he's dead. Of course I hysterically try to tell him that he's not dead, but it's no use. There's a gap in my memory after that. I then find myself at school in Mr. Scott's class. Mr. Scott asks why I'm even there when my best friend is dead. I say, "If I lock myself in my room, I will be isolating myself for the rest of my life. I've already done it once and I don't need to do it again." At that point, everyone in the classroom tries to console me (obviously I would pay notice to Hannah comforting me).

I woke up with tears in my eyes. I spent the first half of the day thinking about that. There is a lot of things I hold back with my emotions and I think I know where they manifest themselves. I never realized how much I use my dreams and imagination as a catharsis. I live so much of my life inside my head. I want to be able to release my emotions, but I still fear hurting someone with them. This wall of emotion is too strong. I wish there were some way of just letting go. I just don't know how.

Also, I've been thinking a lot about my No-Dating Policy. I've been wondering if it's something that I should stick with. I know that it was good for me to have that balance and basis for my train of thought, but I don't know if it still fits. I'm suffering so much from that policy. It's not being practical anymore. I understand that you can't go into that policy expecting to be Vulcan, but there seems to be too much pain involved. The discipline is good, but I don't know if I can keep it up. I know that dating is not easy either, but it's so much harder to wait. The torment that comes with holding back is so hard. I don't know what to do. I suppose I just have two choices: continue to restrain myself or let go. Either way, there will be pain and suffering and torment, but which way best fits what I need. I'm tired and lonely. I don't know how much longer I can hold on. I'm not saying that I'm going to jump all over the first woman I see, but maybe I should let go. However, should I give up hopes of a great reward for instant gratification? Is it worth it to go for reward that I always have or a reward that comes at the end? I don't know. Until I get my thoughts in order, or at least consistent, I will wait. I'll hang on a little longer until I figure out what I'm going to do. I have to do a lot of praying. God will give me a better answer.

Current Mood: drained drained
Current Music: "The Girl from Ipanema" -Tom Jobim