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Putting Thought to Word... or Trying to Do So... - Abadoss' Mind
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Fri, Sep. 5th, 2003 11:20 pm
Putting Thought to Word... or Trying to Do So...

I want to try and get this out of my head and in words. Right now, I can't really describe to myself what it is that I'm feeling. I'm much better with written words than I am with spoken words, so I'm hoping it's a little easier to express.

I suppose it's this weird place in between tired, sad, lonely, and confused. I'm back to juggling my dating policy, wishing I had friends that would seek me out, and wondering if my personality is something I should change.

When it comes to my dating policy, I wonder if I simply need to pick something and stick with it, but the problem is that when I try to choose, I can't. Before I started this entry, I drew the conclusion that a major factor in my choosing not to date is that I'm afraid that I will hurt someone. Causing pain to someone is my greatest fear, and it's only natural that it would tie in. I'm so afraid of how I might change over time and how it would affect whoever I would be dating.

At this point, I couldn't comfortably put myself in a relationship with anyone that wouldn't have the same, or at least very similiar, life goals as I. I don't want to start a relationship that I'd have to end because of my goals. I'm not afriad of rejection. God knows, I'm used to that. I'm afraid of truly falling in love with someone I'd have to leave.

But then the problem is, I really feel lonely. I want to think that friendship can fill that gap, but I don't know. I've never had a friend that could fill that place in my soul. It takes a certain type of friend with whom I can completely open up, and I don't know what that's like. I've never been completely open with anyone. I've always reserved some part of me at any given moment. I just wish I knew what it would be like to be that open with a friend.

But I don't know if I could be that open with a girlfriend. Would I actually allow myself to be that vulnerable to anyone? I don't know. I want to think that I could. At the very least, I know I wouldn't go out with anyone I couldn't be at least mostly open with. Yet, that's a rare person.

It's times like this, when I'm running my mind and my emotions in circles, that I feel like I really got the short end of the stick. I feel like I'm defeating myself in everything. If there's every a person I don't want to be put up against, it'd be myself. I'm too difficult an opponant. I wonder why I can't let myself be real. Why can't I simply stop trying so hard? Why can't I move into myself and just be content? What's wrong with being happy? What's wrong with making mistakes every now and then? What's wrong with being normal?

I want to feel like I'm not struggling against the world and myself. I want to feel free of burden and stress. I want to feel like I can do what will bring fulfillment into my life. I want to not need discernment. I want to be free of myself.

I suppose I have nothing really holding me back from simply doing what I want, aside from myself. I just wish I knew why I can't be satisfied with it.

Current Mood: discontent discontent
Current Music: "Stranded" -Plumb


(no subject) - (Anonymous)
Sat, Sep. 6th, 2003 03:32 pm (UTC)

I agree. Sometimes, you gotta go with your gut feeling. If something is crying out for you do, DO IT. Sometimes what that creates it good, really good. Sometimes not so much. BUT, you took a chance. And thats an IMPORTANT part of life. And if its not so good, you can suck up and deal. I know you can do that, cause I have seen you.

Love and dating is always going to give you hurt. You can't avoid that, but you can't just cut love out of your life because you are scared of the hurt. Don't avoid living like that.

And if you are waiting, then wait for goodness sake. But don't wait to wait, if you get what I mean. If you want to get married, you are going to have to get to know that girl. Dating doesn't have to mean doing what everyone else is doing, you can spend one on one time falling in love without anything you aren't ready for.

BUT, if you are just waiting, then part of that deal is loneliness. Its a trade-off. And you just have to decide which is more valuable to you.


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