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ARG!!!!! - Abadoss' Mind
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Mon, Feb. 25th, 2002 09:52 pm


Okay, let's take it for the beginning. As you all know, I'm struggling with my infatuation for Hannah. Er... I had written something, but it got erased in a really stupid accident.

Anyway, the jist of what I was saying was that Anne overheard a conversation between Hannah and a least one of her friends. In that conversation, Hannah said that I creeped her out. Naturally, I wasn't to happy about it.

As my mind works, I have this little theory in my head that says that perceptions of other people are often based on ill-conceived notions, not thought out completely. According to most of the people I talked to (I randomly asked my friends if they thought I was creepy) I turned out to not be creepy to them, with a few exceptions, which are actually somewhat valid. One of them is Karen's view. She says that I am creepy simply because I don't show any emotion except for nothing and/or overly ecstaticly happy. Aside from that most people didn't really think I'm that creepy.

Anyway, I got to thinking about why she thought I was creepy. According to Anne, Hannah mentioned that it had to do with the fact that I'm always around her. In all honesty, I actually don't try to be around all the time. Anne then suggested that coupled with the fact that she turned me down for the Prom, that could possibly make her a little nervous about my state of mind.

As far as I'm concerned, her rejection in the Prom matter is not a major issue. I don't hold a grudge about it. God knows that would be hard for me to do so the way I feel about her. Anyway, the defense isn't really going to help if she doesn't know that.

Another thing to know about me is that I don't like to leave issues concerning friendships or any kind of relationship unresolved. I feel very tense and stressed by problems that are not dealt with. I will often times feel physically sick if I don't try to bring some resolution. So, I've talked myself into finding a time when I can confront Hannah, privately, about this (I also refuse to make a confrontation in a public setting because it could compromise her or me and this is the same policy I hold for everything relationship based).

After hearing the bad news, I tried to talk to her that afternoon, but sadly, never got the chance. That evening I called, but she still had a night or two for her internship left. Her dad picked up the phone. He asked if I wanted to leave a message. I was unable to think quick enough so I said yes. He said she'd be home by ten and asked if it would be fine if she called me back then. Silly me thought that she might actually call back, but if I had taken the time to consider it carefully, I would have realized that someone that creeped out by me would probably not call. Needless to say, I waited until eleven before giving up and going to bed.

Saturday, I left at seven to go to the OMEA competition. Spent the most of the day with Erik (until midnight). No calls that day. Then I called yesterday a few times. I called twice at two and twice at six, both times getting busy signals. Coming around to today, I tried to think of a way to approach her to talk, but she was never alone. It was impossible to talk to her at all. I even waited outside of the doors that her car is nearest, knowing she would come out there. But to no avail. She was accompanied by Angie and Meganne. They yelled something from Hannah's car as they drove by, but I was unable to hear what it is that they actually said. I tried calling again at four, but I got the busy signal again. Tried a couple times more at seven, but got the same thing.

Now we are upto the hour. My mind is swirling with thoughts about what to say, how to respond to certain questions, how to approach her... Damn, life can be a pain in the butt!!! You know, if it weren't these stupid emotions, I would be content. I would not have to worry about crushes or "falling in love". I could just live my life. But I know that God did not intend humans to be machines.

That is where the only thing questioning my "No-Dating" policy lies. God gave me emotion, yet I turned around and tried to subdue them. I don't think it's wrong to keep them under control, but to obsessed with the control is probably not the healthest thing. In my quest to overcome my emotions, I seem to have lost track of them. It seems like I no longer know how to feel happy, or to feel love. I have so much trouble smiling, or laughing, or crying. It all seems forced. The only thing that seems to remain is this depressing look on my face that doesn't seem to change at all.

What can I possibly do to regain my joy and happiness, my tears and my smile, my laughter and my love? How can I still maintain my morals, yet regain all that I seem to have forgot? I don't know how to deal with this. I really have only two options: I can either abandon all that I have come to know or I can pray. Frankly, the temptation of dropping everything is appealing, but I know that it's not the way. There might be merit to doing so, but it's not someting that I will grow from by doing. So, I'm left with prayer.

I can't say that God will answer my prayers the way I want them to be answered, but I know that it's always for the best. Whatever happens, I can learn and grow from. I'm hoping there can be resolution. I'm tired of neverending problems and stress. I can't handle the annoying pressure of complicated living. It's taking it's toll and I'm paying for it. I can only keep praying, I guess.

Lord, give me strength and patience (a deadly request, but necessary). Help me to see the right way. Help me to follow. Please bring me peace and resolution. Thank you for everything, God. Thank you for the answer you have already given, that I have yet to see.

Tags: , ,
Current Mood: distressed distressed
Current Music: "God" -Rebecca St. James


Wed, Feb. 27th, 2002 09:23 am (UTC)
Um, eep?

"You must feel a lot like Alice, tumbling down that rabbit hole."

I really hope things work out, as opposed to getting weirder and weirder as time goes on. *Pats you on the head* Best of luck, old chum.