Kenneth Edward Keyn (abadoss) wrote,
Kenneth Edward Keyn

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Week 2: Blah (with footnotes)

So continues my journey with anti-depressants. The nausea is not quite as bad anymore and I'm at a point where I can kind of ignore it, but it's still persistent. No thoughts of suicide other than thoughts of being vigilant against thoughts of suicide 1. Still drowsy. Still yawning a lot. Still having trouble sleeping. Still having brain reset moments 2. Still exhausted. No noticeable improvement in mood yet. Although, I've not had any drowning-in-darkness moments 3 lately either.

So far, things are kind of going as expected. I'm not expecting any grand and sudden change to happen. That would be fantastic - in almost every sense of the word - but not likely. I expect this to take time and for things to get better gradually. And like most change, I expect the bad consequences to rush to the front of the queue before the good consequences have stopped looking at their park map and realized they were being passed up. Thus things progress.

1 The mind is amusing sometimes. Tell it not to think about something and that something is the first thing it thinks about. I learned this in full force during the seven years of my commitment not to date. I'm prepared for it here. I wonder sometimes if just telling people there's a risk of suicide is what triggers the thoughts of suicide. I know they're required to tell people, but still.

2 Moments where I wake up and realize I was doing something. Not to say that I was asleep before hand, but that the thread of consciousness was broken and the past doesn't exist for a moment. I was warned by a commenter on my previous week's journal that this could be common. Oh, boy, is it fun to have this happen while on the phone with a customer.

3 Moments where I feel the entire weight of my emotions and my dissatisfaction with where my life is and all my longings just crush my soul and my hope feels so far away. Were it anyone else, I could see this as the moment when someone else would consider suicide. Thankfully, suicide or thoughts of suicide have never been an option for me, but that doesn't make those moments any less painful.
Tags: depression, emotions, health, sleep, the commitment
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