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Why Don't They Try? - Abadoss' Mind
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Wed, Jan. 8th, 2003 05:33 pm
Why Don't They Try?

So I've been thinking... I try really hard when it comes to my friends. I put out a lot of energy to build strong relationships. Yet, why do I feel like it's so fruitless? I don't think I spend just about as much energy on anything else (with the exception of music) as I do on my friends.

What is it that makes it so difficult to leave things be and accept them for the way they are? In perfect logic, if I'm putting energy into something that's not producing results, I should stop. However, my heart says, "Go on! You get some response yet!". I've been saying that to myself for three and half years. Why can't I just give up? What's so hard about letting people alone and hoping that maybe they'll want to interact with ME? Why can't I be like everyone else and just let it alone?

It seems to me a fairly destructive pattern. I put energy into friends because I want the relationship to grow, but when it doesn't I am disappointed and wonder why it doesn't work. Then I figure I haven't put enough energy in... etc., etc., etc.... On and on, the cycle goes, and leaves me wondering why I can't seem to get anything done. Then I think to myself that I should just forget it because no one will ever respond, or that things are as good as they're going to get. But I can't accept that.

Sure, I have people who I talk to and have interesting conversations with, but it seems like that's it. No one wants to go beyond that. It seems more like an acquaintance than a friend to me. But these seem to be the best of them. It can't be that I'm not well known. Most people know me instantly because of all that I'm involved with. Am I generally disliked? If I am, no one has been honest enough to tell me (with the exception of Tyler Bland, but he just personally dislikes me).

So, why do I care? What possible reason is there to go on? Why would I put so much energy into a dead horse? The reason is because I'm afflicted with the general disorder of actually caring. I want to see relationships grow. I want to have better friends with people, so that I can be a better friend. I'm tired of isolation and being solitary. I'm tired of being alone. I want to be able to share my true thoughts with my friends. I want to be able to let them share their true thoughts with me. I don't want to hide behind a mask for the rest of my life. I may be going to college where I can start over, but... I want to be better where I am now, before I move on. I want resolution. I want people to look back in their yearbooks a long time from now, see my picture, and say, "Wow! I remember him! He was a good person and a great friend." That's why I care.

Still, no one seems to care. I'm tired of being the only one who puts forth energy. It's not that some people won't actually respond to my attempts, it's just that they are too far between and far too seldom. I'm tired of people only knowing who I am, I want them to know who I am as a whole. Why don't they try? Why?

Current Mood: lonely lonely
Current Music: "Hannah's Theme" -Kenneth Edward Keyn


Thu, Jan. 9th, 2003 01:26 am (UTC)

that's tough. i know it can be hard when you feel like all of your relationships are one sided. but realize, most likely, people are not trying to slight you, they just are not thinking. it is a sin of omission, not a sin of malice. just a thought.

hey, you know i'm here for ya, right!