Kenneth Edward Keyn (abadoss) wrote,
Kenneth Edward Keyn
abadoss

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The Dark Night of the Soul...

I know that I'm coming at this day from the wrong end.... Unfortunately, it seems to be a growing trend as of late. Perhaps the trend was already there and it's just resurfacing for a time. Oh, well. It matters little at the moment. I think a lot of this is a reflection of where I feel I am in life. Adrift. Or maybe just coming at the day from the wrong end. It's hard to say really, but I feel like I've lost a sense of anchoring recently. I feel it in my life and I'm not sure I know how to correct it. The odd thing about it is that I think it's actually tied to my work schedule somehow, which boggles me.

Last year, in September, I took the job of cashier/student accounts representative at the business office for WPC. I didn't quite know it then, but I was starting the best job I have had to date. I also didn't know that it would be over three months later. Aside from that, though, I had a full-time schedule working from 8 AM to 5 PM. I felt accomplished, I felt competent, and I felt needed and wanted. I had co-workers who were amazing and awesome people, who, in their way, both cared for me and treated me as their peer.... I'm actually a bit off topic, but I guess I never really processed it.

Anyway, having that job made having a healthy sleep schedule necessary. As a result, I felt my life fill up. I still had all the same problems I always seem to, but, for that time, I felt more human. I came home at the end of the day tired, but not really worn out. I felt like my life was finally somewhat healthy. I haven't really felt like that since. I have a job again, which I do appreciate and enjoy to some extent, but I'm only working three hours a day in the evening for four days out the week. While I really should make myself go to bed at a decent time to wake up in the morning like a normal human being, I don't. Technically speaking, I could go to bed at six o'clock in the morning - much as I probably will tonight/today - before I run into not having enough sleep. I don't have to keep a healthy schedule and thus I don't. At first, I try to go to bed on time, but, each night, it's one hour later than it was last night. Thus the cycle continues.

I think this has a bad effect on me. I've noticed the my creative output has significantly decreased in the last few months, moreso than it has since I graduated. I'm not just talking about musical compositions. I'm talking poetry, drawings, writings, journals, etc. I feel like the energy to pour into these projects is diminished. I feel diminished. My artwork is a great deal of who I am and to have that drop off bothers me greatly. Artwork is an expression of who I am. When I'm not expressing, I've turned inward. I'm imploding.

This isn't the same kind of depression I'm used to. I'm used to being overwhelmed by my circumstances and having impossible odds to work against. I'm used to the depression that says, I have no idea how I'm going to make it through all this. I'm also used to the kind of depression that comes from loneliness. I'm used to feeling mildly abandoned - a sort of communial, but unintentional, abandonment. These kinds of depression are defeated - albeit with a great deal of energy - by self-talk and logic. I don't understand the kind of depression I'm feeling now. It's almost as though my spirit feels bored and would rather just take a nap than do something productive. Meanwhile, the rest of me is drying up and feeling really empty.

Maybe it's as simple as landing a full-time job or finally having my music pay for itself or whatever. I don't know. I don't know what's going to alleviate this. I don't know what steps I need to take to deal with this. I'm not even sure I know how to express this correctly. Whatever the case, I think I'm done for right now. I know I don't always respond promptly, but I do read ever comment I get. I could use some of your thoughts on this. Thanks.
Tags: art, artwork, depression, emotion, identity, job, loneliness, music, pain, poetry, schedule, sleep, work, writing
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