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The Dark Night of the Soul... - Abadoss' Mind
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Sat, Apr. 25th, 2009 05:14 am
The Dark Night of the Soul...

I know that I'm coming at this day from the wrong end.... Unfortunately, it seems to be a growing trend as of late. Perhaps the trend was already there and it's just resurfacing for a time. Oh, well. It matters little at the moment. I think a lot of this is a reflection of where I feel I am in life. Adrift. Or maybe just coming at the day from the wrong end. It's hard to say really, but I feel like I've lost a sense of anchoring recently. I feel it in my life and I'm not sure I know how to correct it. The odd thing about it is that I think it's actually tied to my work schedule somehow, which boggles me.

Last year, in September, I took the job of cashier/student accounts representative at the business office for WPC. I didn't quite know it then, but I was starting the best job I have had to date. I also didn't know that it would be over three months later. Aside from that, though, I had a full-time schedule working from 8 AM to 5 PM. I felt accomplished, I felt competent, and I felt needed and wanted. I had co-workers who were amazing and awesome people, who, in their way, both cared for me and treated me as their peer.... I'm actually a bit off topic, but I guess I never really processed it.

Anyway, having that job made having a healthy sleep schedule necessary. As a result, I felt my life fill up. I still had all the same problems I always seem to, but, for that time, I felt more human. I came home at the end of the day tired, but not really worn out. I felt like my life was finally somewhat healthy. I haven't really felt like that since. I have a job again, which I do appreciate and enjoy to some extent, but I'm only working three hours a day in the evening for four days out the week. While I really should make myself go to bed at a decent time to wake up in the morning like a normal human being, I don't. Technically speaking, I could go to bed at six o'clock in the morning - much as I probably will tonight/today - before I run into not having enough sleep. I don't have to keep a healthy schedule and thus I don't. At first, I try to go to bed on time, but, each night, it's one hour later than it was last night. Thus the cycle continues.

I think this has a bad effect on me. I've noticed the my creative output has significantly decreased in the last few months, moreso than it has since I graduated. I'm not just talking about musical compositions. I'm talking poetry, drawings, writings, journals, etc. I feel like the energy to pour into these projects is diminished. I feel diminished. My artwork is a great deal of who I am and to have that drop off bothers me greatly. Artwork is an expression of who I am. When I'm not expressing, I've turned inward. I'm imploding.

This isn't the same kind of depression I'm used to. I'm used to being overwhelmed by my circumstances and having impossible odds to work against. I'm used to the depression that says, I have no idea how I'm going to make it through all this. I'm also used to the kind of depression that comes from loneliness. I'm used to feeling mildly abandoned - a sort of communial, but unintentional, abandonment. These kinds of depression are defeated - albeit with a great deal of energy - by self-talk and logic. I don't understand the kind of depression I'm feeling now. It's almost as though my spirit feels bored and would rather just take a nap than do something productive. Meanwhile, the rest of me is drying up and feeling really empty.

Maybe it's as simple as landing a full-time job or finally having my music pay for itself or whatever. I don't know. I don't know what's going to alleviate this. I don't know what steps I need to take to deal with this. I'm not even sure I know how to express this correctly. Whatever the case, I think I'm done for right now. I know I don't always respond promptly, but I do read ever comment I get. I could use some of your thoughts on this. Thanks.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Current Mood: depressed depressed
Current Music: "..." -...


the bride stripped bare by her bachelors, even
Mon, Apr. 27th, 2009 03:51 am (UTC)

Ah, welcome to the wonderful world of existential ennui. Not that it's particularly helpful, but hey, misery loves company. You're not alone. It's so easy when you're depressed to feel like you're the only one experiencing these problems and feelings, which only exacerbates the depression because you feel isolated and unrelated to. Truth is, myself included, there are so so so many people our age that feel adrift. That, frankly, are adrift. It's so hard right now because we have this expectation (or think others have the expectation of us) to start getting our lives in gear by now.

And maybe that was true of some mythic generation that were all able to get career-oriented jobs out of college and lived happily ever after. But if such a generation existed, it was probably our parents', and I don't know about yours, but my parents are also feeling adrift since unemployment has struck every working demographic in this country and there'll be no big retirement party for them in their future. So, it's not even just people are age afflicted with this.

If I were to diagnose your current situation, based on what you wrote, I think the reason you're feeling so depressed and adrift is that as you had opened this entry with, that your work schedule helped anchor your life. So now it's up to you to take it upon yourself to give your life purpose (here I mean everyday life, no in the greater scheme) in order to get yourself back on track.
Start setting an alarm in the morning, and don't let yourself sleep through it. Train yourself into believing there's a reason to be getting up at a certain time by giving yourself something to do.
Make your creative endeavors your work if you don't have a paying gig. Designate a period of time everyday (or every other day) to dedicate to your music or other creative output. It'll not only give you something to motivate you out of bed, it'll be great for jumpstarting your creativity. If you can get disciplined about doing what you love, you're going to be way ahead of the curve from most people in this world. It's what makes doing creative things for a living possible, because you're treating it like a "real" job.

If you're looking for a job, make that part of your daily routine. Though, that's the kind of thing that can easily bring someone down (since it's a really dismal market, obviously) so limit your time doing it, but it certainly has the potential to be beneficial. If you do find yourself getting bummed by it, take a few days off from the job search and double the time you spend doing things for yourself. How awesome is it to have a schedule that says "9am-12pm work on music. 12pm-12:30 prepare and eat lunch. 12:30pm-2pm bike ride in park." and so forth? People usually have to retire before they can give themselves schedules like that. The idea that you can have that now, that you can define the purpose of your life outside of a job at this age, should be a totally liberating thought.

Good luck.

Kenneth Edward Keyn
Mon, Apr. 27th, 2009 05:31 am (UTC)

Thank you very much. :)

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