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Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder... or Stale?... - Abadoss' Mind
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Thu, Mar. 1st, 2007 07:55 pm
Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder... or Stale?...

I had initially pressed the update buttom, by accident, without any text. After the first second of "oops", I was tempted to leave it that way as a means of attempting to decribe my thoughts and feelings as of now. Not the empty silence that indicates lack of thought or feeling, but the ineffiable silence which fills rooms and countries, covers up sound and drowns out noise. The silence which simply says, "There are no words left..."

However, LiveJournal told me no, so I have to write something instead. I have to attempt to sum up all the thoughts and experiences that have occured during my absence from LJ. I do apologize for not writing. But, as the saying goes, absence makes the heart grow fonder, so I hope there is still some room in your heart for me.

To attempt to provide the details of my life up to this point would be utter madness - or boredom, which is slightly similar. Instead, I'll just go with what is present.

This is the last semester of my senior year... or so I would like to say. It had been my goal and hope to graduate on time, but as this semester has progressed, that's feeling less and less likely. The possibility is still there, which is why I haven't let go of it yet, but the longer I hold on the more I realize that it would take far more work than I seem willing to put in. If only it were impossible, so I could feel better about not trying for it. I'm left with the decision, which I will need to make soon or suffer the consequences of not choosing - since not choosing is as much of choice as choosing itself. Yet, it sort of feels as though I've already made the choice. I'd simply have to live up to it.

My decision is based on some pretty important issues. One, I'm exhausted. I'm really stressed out and stretched to the limits physically, emotionally, and mentally. I literally have no days off during the week, since I have classes Monday through Friday and work from Friday through Sunday. Certainly not Kosher. By taking another semester, I'd be able to reduce the amount of stress on my life. Two, another semester means more money. Granted, it will be dealt with through financial aid and I won't have to pay it off until I'm completely done with school. Still, loans are loans and the more loans I have, the more I'll owe later. Of course, if I make it big, it won't matter anyway, right? Three, I am eager and anxious to move on to grad school. At the end of this semester, I will be done with my major. All the training and education toward becoming a composer will be complete. An extra semester will mean that I'm stuck with no more music to do. It will defer my training. Four, there are a lot of obstacles stacked up against me. I have several courses that I would need to CLEP and classes - one in particular - that I would need to petition to be waived of. Not to mention, I'd need to pass all my classes this semester.

The truth of the matter is that I should've been thinking about this stuff a long time ago, instead of waiting until the last moment to try and catch up. Had I done the work in my classes before, I wouldn't be having these problems. It's only too bad that grad schools require a degree before acceptance. It's an issue of discipline and priorities of time. I tend to enjoy most of my classes, but I just don't do the work. That's a difficult problem if it's the same classes that I keep doing that in.

While we're talking about classes, I'm really enjoying Psychology of Religion with Dr. Foltz. Basically, each person is given two books - usually extremely weighty in terms of concepts - and each week a pair of students each presents one of his or her books to the rest of the class. During that process, the concepts are compared, connected, and worked with all the concepts of the other books that have already been presented. Basically, it's a disguised graduate seminar. But, I am enjoying the discourse so much. It really is my favorite class this semester. It's extremely challenging, intellectually, but most of the work is the discussion and reading - well, and the presenting. I highly recommend that class. Plus, there's always food and snacks during class. Speaking of which, it's my turn to get stuff next week. I'm probably going to get Inari. I don't know if I'll make it or buy it. It depends on which is more feasible.

The book that I just presented this week was called Physics as Metaphor, by Roger S. Jones. If ever you want to realize how subjective anything that you consider reality is, read that book. The very objectiveness that physics claims is - when really examined - not quite so objective. I won't spoil it, but I really think most people should read this book. It's not simple stuff, but it's worth it. The outline of the book that I had to include with the presentation was nearly twenty pages. The book itself is only two-hundred and thirty-two pages long, yet there was no way that I couldn't include everything that I did in the outline. I spent more time trying to figure out what I'd -leave out-. It's an intense book. Read it. You'll be glad you did.

As far as my other reading is concerned, I've been seriously addicted to Terry Pratchett's Discworld series. I tend to read them at work to pass the time when I'm not dealing with customers. There are about thirty-five books in the series. I started reading them when Maria introduced me to the first book. For a while, I'd borrow the books she had, in order, until I got to a point where she hadn't bought any more in the series. Now that I have a paycheck, I've been buying the books in the series like mad. I'm now on book sixteen, Soul Music. The great thing about this series is how it makes fun of practically everything. It makes fun of every cliché, every bit of history, philosophy, etc. It is incredible. Think of it this way: If Terry Pratchett were a musician, he'd be something like a British version of Weird Al Yankovich.

On that note (ba-dump-PSSH), my senior recital is on April 13. I'm nervous for it because I need to assemble a small orchestra. I've already got a few members, but securing the rest will be the trick. I need four first violins, four second violins, two violas, a cello, a bass, a flute, an oboe, two french horns, and a harp. I've arranged, so far, for one first, one second, the flute, the oboe, and a french horn. I'm waiting to hear back from the person I want to be my concert mistress and my composition professor's wife is a cellist. Also, a former student that I know is a graduate of Julliard in bass performance. Plus, I met a harpist a while back at PDX that was pretty good and doesn't charge more than I'd be willing to pay. Then, there's one other person that can play violin, but I'm not sure whether I want her as a first or second. After all that, I also have my brother coming up from California to play for me. I also have the choir lined up to sing for me, as well. It's going to be rather intense. The vocal portion is a little nerve-racking, since I'd rather focus on the composition side only. That and I'm unsure of my ability to sing all of them in a row. One or two on their own isn't too bad, but all of them together presents a problem. Especially, given that I need to memorize them all. Prayer and/or checks would be much appreciated.

My job is proving to be a hassle again (do you see a pattern here with the transitions?). My most recent supervisor left - something about being deployed with the army - which means that all the times that I scheduled with him, a month and a half ago, will need to be renegotiated with whoever turns out to be the next supervisor. All that does is add to my stress levels. This weekend, I'm going on a retreat with the choir - it's mandatory - and I had to beg people to cover my shifts for tomorrow and Saturday. That was not a fun experience, especially when I had to call my site manager. I don't think he and I get along very well. A lot of it has to do with the fact that I'm in college, which basically makes me very inflexible in his mindset. Granted, that's true to some degree, but I do a lot to make sure that I can continue working there. I spent a lot of time negotiating with my professors to be excused from certain things and I stepped down from doing other things - such as the play this semester and being the MC for Friday Arts - in order to reduce the amount of days I needed off. If it weren't for the fact that I'm one of the best employees at that site - the previous supervisor had told me that in confidence - I'd probably be out of there in very little time.

On a completely different subject, I am still single. I am obviously frustrated with this, but at this point in my life, I don't know what else to do. I believe that it would be incredibly selfish and unfair to attempt to start a relationship at this point. I know that grad school is not that far off - and I intend to go to the east coast for that - and Ireland after that. It would pain me to see someone else give up her goals and her dreams just to follow me around the world. I couldn't help but feel that I would be robbing her of her life. That's not okay with me. As such, I know that any relationship would have to end when I have to move on. I don't believe in starting a relationship when I know it will have to end at a specific point. And, no, I don't think a long-distance relationship is a good idea either.

I suppose the question should be asked of why I care so much about this. The truth is that I'm not entirely sure. I simply know that I do not like being alone. I feel the void where another person should be. I feel her absence more than anything and, yet, I don't know that I've ever even met her. It's frustrating to feel that way and not know how to remedy it. It's frustrating to feel such a strong desire and passion for someone that's not there. I see traces of her in people I know, but I know that she is not bits and pieces, but the whole of her somewhere. "Where" is the big question. But more importantly, "when".

When I look at the goals that I have in store for my life, I'm concerned that I'm not leaving a whole lot of room for anything else. I'll probably be in my mid-thirties by the time I'm even halfway done - about the time I come back from Ireland. What happens then? Where and when am I going to find the woman who will be my wife? In Ireland? On the east coast? What? If I find her before all that, she's going to have to be going the same direction or I'll feel like I've already mentioned. And what about raising a family? What about supporting them? What am I supposed to do? Do I sacrifice my goals in order to make room for a family? Or do I sacrifice my ability to have a family for my goals? What's going on here?

I'm twenty-two years old. Every year, I see more of my friends getting married. Some have children already. Here I am. Never had a girlfriend. Never been kissed. Maybe they don't want to hurt my feelings, but I've not been told I'm hideous... so... What's going on?

I'm just tired, I think. Tired and exhausted.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Current Mood: contemplative contemplative
Current Music: "Canto de Orfeo" -Kenneth Edward Keyn


Fri, Mar. 2nd, 2007 12:51 pm (UTC)

Two things: I love Terry Pratchett's books (though I haven't read any in a couple of years).

Also: you can't choose when love comes and when it doesn't. I know that may not seem comforting, but...well, to me (in terms of close friendships) it has been. You have a lot of plans and goals and dreams, and right now I seriously don't see how you COULD fit a relationship in anywhere.

Anyway, I hope you can come to a workable solution to the school quandary. That must be really rough on you in all kinds of respects.

Sun, Mar. 4th, 2007 09:12 pm (UTC)

Hi there. I dont know if I am even still on your friends page- and i know this will sound really weird, but i completely understand what you are going through on so many levels. I am also 22 never been kissed whole speal and a majority of my friends are married/engaged/ soon to be engaged. I graduated school last year and was so lost, only to land myself a lts music job, and here I am doing the job search again. I often think about getting my masters in ethnomusicology with my emphasis being traditional Irish Music. I understand our situations are completely different, but yet similar. Today I had a flipping out kind of moment about many of this stuff that you are going through too. I live right near Philly, so if you are remotely close to the area for your grad school I would love to meet you! or if you need advice or help on any schools over here I am more than willing to help you out!