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Heavy Burdens - Abadoss' Mind
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Sat, Jul. 15th, 2006 10:58 pm
Heavy Burdens

I need to do a serious update here. I'm not talking about the daily things that I do, but rather a few major things that I never got around to mentioning.

Bridget. If you weren't aware, I've had a crush on her for some time now. However, I got to the point where I was tired of the awkwardness of it all and I decided that I needed to get it off my chest. I had originally hoped to talk to her in person, but, due to the fact that we rarely see each other, I wrote her a letter of confession and intent. My confession being that of my infatuation and my intent of not pursuing it. She's a great girl, otherwise I'd have no reason to like her, but I think pursuing anything with her would be a serious error in judgment, on my part. She is not the image I created in my mind and it would be wrong of me to expect her to be. Also, I highly doubt that I'm anywhere near what she's looking for. That said, I spilled the beans and told her I'd leave her alone.

On another topic, I was given this book, called "Fossilized Customs" by Lew White. It is a book that describes, in unending detail, how much of ancient Babylon still exists in society. The list is absolutely devestating. Among the prime candidates for causing a major faith crisis for me, is the Name, YHWH. "God" is a proper name for a Teutonic deity. "Lord" is a translation of Ba'al and a title that was worn by Nimrod. "Jesus" is really an homage to Zeus, due to the fact that the Greek language traditionally places a reference to Zeus at the end of anything of importance ("sus"). "Bible" is a derivitive of "Byblos" who was a Pagan diety (the only reason the scriptures were come to be called that is because the town of Byblos, named after the deity, was a major exporter of parchment and became the name for a "books"). "Christ" and "Christian" are no good either. The original Name of the Creator is YHWH (aka Yahweh, though properly pronounced "Yahuah"). The problem is not that I don't believe what is written in the book, but rather that I am now catching myself in the middle of saying "God" or "Lord" when I think about YHWH. The other problem is that, since I'm still not quite done with the book, I don't yet know how much weight I should give this book. I find the convictions within myself, but I want to make sure that I'm not just being played with by my emotions. The first chance I get, I'm going to try and run the book by Dr. Carver (who, as far as I am concerned, is the most qualified to whom I should ask about this). In the meantime, I'm left trying to decide what to do with my convictions regarding the material in the book.

As for Troy and Martina; they are moving down to California, so Troy can pursue his music career. Personally, I rather dislike California, especially Southern, but I know that it's in his best interest. I just hope that they are able to get things rolling down there as quickly as possible. I would hate for them to be stuck down there without any progress. It's going to be a little weird not having them around. I suppose I could've predicted this, but it still came as a shock. I guess I somewhat assumed that I'd be the first to take off to distant lands between the two of us. When it comes down to it, though, I still have unfinished business here, whereas they have nothing left here.

In the good news category; my job has been going well. I've been pretty busy with it, though. It's managable though. I think, considering the usual candidates for first jobs, that I couldn't have wound up with a better one. I have spending money, finally. One of my first purchases was a much needed haircut. The other things I bought were antihystamines, q-tips, toilet paper, new razors, and a proper helmet for my bike. Now I just need to pay off my half of the electric bill and I'll be in relatively clear waters.

Also, Tyler and Alex got married yesterday. Their wedding was wonderful. At the same time, it was rather bittersweet for me. Honestly, the bitter part of it had nothing to do with the wedding itself, but rather my current status regarding relationships. I have this growing unquenchable ache for a relationship of my own. I greatly desire someone to love, who will love me. It hurts. I don't know what to do about it. I dissolved my dating commitment, but I don't know I'm ready for a relationship. I don't know if I'm ready to be a boyfriend or ready to have a girlfriend. Then comes the question of "who the hell would take me?" and of those few people, who would I be willing to take? What kind of a boyfriend would I be? Would I even be a good boyfriend? Does it even matter? Too many questions, answered by only too many more questions. Yes, I'm afraid, but, in some respects, I have every reason to be. Yet, for something that happens all too often for everyone else, my concerns seem trival. Although, since when has that ever stopped me from worrying about it.

This year has been particularly horrible for me. As much as I've seen the blessings in my life, I've been plagued by so much as well. The death of my two friends and the whirlwind marriage of my mother, combined with financial stress, academic stress, household stress, health problems, spiritual deprivation, and outright loneliness have tainted this year beyond repair. I have no motivation for anything anymore, especially trival things. This has caused significant damage to my grades this last semester and over the summer. Enough damage to make me somewhat concerned about my ability to graduate on time.

Honestly, I am an emotional wreck and any emotional control that I once boasted of is simply gone. I only keep from crying because the tears would offset my sinuses. I only keep from just collapsing on the ground through sheer force of will. I can't sleep because my mind and my body ache from the pain of my heart. There are days that I simply wish I were still sleeping in. At the end of the day, I just don't want to be awake anymore. And yet, I lay in bed caught between daydreams and open eyes, writhing for comfort. I am fading...

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Current Mood: exhausted overwhelmed
Current Music: "Dances of Marosszék" -Zoltán Kodály


April Lauren
Mon, Jul. 17th, 2006 05:42 pm (UTC)

Wow... well listen, I'm praying for you.

This is where Maria talks about life
Mon, Jul. 17th, 2006 08:25 pm (UTC)

First of all, I just want you to know that I have been praying for you all summer, knowing that you have been struggling with things.
Second of all, give me a call any time (read literally any time)you need/want to talk. About whatever. That's what friends are for. My new number is 971-322-3095
Third of all, it was so great of you to come to my party! I had a blast, God reminded me of how many friends I have here who love me. A great reminder after Oxford was a no-go.