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A List - Abadoss' Mind
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Wed, Feb. 15th, 2006 08:10 pm
A List

Today, I got really tired over all the things that are on my mind. As such, I was inspired to, rather than bottle it all up, list all of the things that are currently on my mind. I spent an entire class period working on my list and it's currently up to two and a half pages. Here's that list:

- Two of my friends died within two weeks of each other.
- My mother remarried on the same day as my best friend from high school's funeral, to a man I barely even know
- I just barely released myself from a commitment that I have been struggling with for seven years
- Since my senior year of high school, I've gained 65 lbs.
- I'm struggling with feeling isolation, lonely, and ignored
- I am nearly $2000 in debt, not including my student loans
- My health has slowly been declining
- I have less energy for anything, much less motivation for things
- I can't sleep and, when I do, it's not very restful
- My room is a mess and I don't really feel at home in my apartment
- I feel guilty for stupid mistakes or poor decisions in my past, in both a general and specific sense
- I feel like my relationship with God has not grown strongly as of late
- I have nine different composition projects to finish
- I have papers I need to write for EN 200 and History of Christian Thought
- My voice feels like it keeps getting more and more tired
- I dont know how to go about having a cyst removed
- My computer is starting to die
- My Monday and Wednesday schedules are overloaded
- I am struggling with my own methods of expressing myself and showing affection to my friends
- I don't like my job anymore, but I can't realistically get any other job
- I am out of anti-hystamines and I can't afford to get more
- I can't afford new clothes
- I can't afford to wash my clothes
- I can't afford to get a license, car, and insurance
- I've been highly unorganized lately
- I can't afford textbooks and school materials
- I still struggle with what affect my father's poor actions had on my development
- I've had a pattern of depression for at least seven years
- I am frustrated with the degraded attitude, understanding, and level of respect within my generation
- I am concerned about whether or not I'll be able to fit in everything I need in order to graduate into my senior year
- I have no one to process this list with
- I have to direct a one-act that will go up in the first week of April
- I have to practice for Percussion Techniques, Instrumental Conducting, and voice lessons
- I have tons of reading for EN 200 and History of Christian Thought
- I'm having issues with the Business Office, as I'm trying to make sure that college is paid for
- I don't get any mail, e-mail, phone calls, or even people dropping by to see me

This isn't even a full list. It also doesn't take into account any miscellaneous thoughts I might have about situations, people, concepts, etc. at the time. At any given moment, you can expect that I'm thinking about a significant number of these things all at once. I know that depression is commonly caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain or a pattern of thought that cascades on itself. However, when I look at this list, I almost feel like I have a right to be depressed. At the same time, I don't want to be.

Anyway, I just needed to put this somewhere...

Tags: , , , , , ,
Current Mood: depressed depressed
Current Music: "Black Wind Rising" -Star Salzman


Thu, Feb. 16th, 2006 05:44 am (UTC)

I would have posted this sooner, but between craziness at work and school and not being home that much, I hadn't the opportunity. A little while ago I discovered your music page and I downloaded all your music. Since then I've been listening to it, and I am blown away by your talent. Once I've listened to all the songs I'll have more commentary on favorites, but for now I just wanted you to know that I'm here, I care, and I'm not going anywhere. *hugs*

the bride stripped bare by her bachelors, even
Thu, Feb. 16th, 2006 08:36 am (UTC)

It's good you put this down, its both important and healthy. Especially because it can help with resolving some of the thoughts just through the clarity of expression on its own. Not to mention, there are things that once written no longer seem so overwhelming, or are actually on their way to being resolved. Certain things are out of your control, by no fault of your own, you just have to go with it. But there are things on this list that can be considered launching points for action. Other things, like feeling guilty or stupid for events of the past don't need to be on your mind at all. You do better when you know better.

And you do have a right to feel your feelings, and have your reasons. Though if you don't want to be depressed, there's definitely ways to fix that. We're here to process the list with you.

This is where Maria talks about life
Thu, Feb. 16th, 2006 07:49 pm (UTC)

Thanks for coming over last night friend! That was good times. Anytime you want, just call. Sometimes it is nice to have a different atmosphere.

Fri, Feb. 17th, 2006 02:13 am (UTC)

I really do extend my deepest sympathies. That's quite a lot to take on all at once, and I pray that your strength will overcome your grief.