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This Lingering Thought - Abadoss' Mind
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Mon, Dec. 5th, 2005 12:26 am
This Lingering Thought

Life has been a little bittersweet lately. It's sweet in the fact that I've been trying very hard to open up a little more and risk a little of myself to people, in hopes I'd get response, and it's been somewhat effective. However, it's bitter in that I still struggle with my loneliness. The closer I get to people and the more I open up, the more I seem to have to face how lonely I am. It's not something that just lingers in the back of my mind anymore, but stabs me in the heart any chance it gets. I find myself closer to tears more often than I care to think about. I feel as though the loneliness festers in my heart crying to be taken care of. But how?

I've been very thankful for a chance to get to know Lance more and to be able to give hugs to more of my friends. It means a lot to me that I hug those I care about and spend time with them. So, I'm not as alone in that sense, but I just still feel empty and distressed. It would be sensible to say that I might be able to find what I'm looking for in a girlfriend, but (as long-time readers of my journal can attest to) it's not that simple for me. I still have a committment that has not yet been resolved (going on eight years now) and I have a new fear that I may not truly know what it is I'm looking for or that I might not have the capability to see it. Disconcerting, at best, and flat out disabling, at worst.

My main comfort in all of this is just that things are going to go as God intended them to regardless of what happens. Regardless of how my life is, God's going to use it for His purposes and that's fine by me. If it's within His will that I go through this time to prepare me for the future in some way, so be it. If I am to feel such loneliness and heartache so that I will not take love for granted and cherish it with everything in my spirit, so be it. After all, I pray that I can be a faithful stewart of the love in my life.

Tags: , , , ,
Current Mood: lonely lonely
Current Music: "Adagio - Piano Concerto No.2" -Dmitri Shostakovich


Mon, Dec. 5th, 2005 12:58 pm (UTC)

Tue, Dec. 6th, 2005 05:10 am (UTC)

I don't know you too well being as though I've only read some of your posts over the years in OCR. I must admit I find your journal entries to be increasingly appealing, and I just wanted you to know that I was reading them. You sound so very much like me that I'm actually a little hesitant to look your entries over at times, although I'm often far more hesitant to post similar emotions online.

Well, take it easy.