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Desktops and Guilt - Abadoss' Mind
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Wed, Sep. 28th, 2005 10:56 pm
Desktops and Guilt

I made a desktop using a picture of Bridget. It's currently what I have loaded, but the longer I have it on, the more guilty about it I feel. I'm super conscious about having the door open if only the desktop is showing and making sure that my monitor is off otherwise. Technically speaking, I shouldn't be ashamed of the way I feel, but at the same time I know that I cannot act - much less make any claims - upon those feelings. I almost want to, but I know that there's is more yet to learn about myself and even about her.

I know the good things that I've seen in her and I've had hints at the bad things, but at this point, I hardly know her at all. She is a friend, yes, but not yet a close friend. So, to tell the truth as it is and openly (to a certain extent), I am infatuated with no more than an image of a girl. I truly wonder if I were to come to know her fully, how attached I'd still be.

Obviously, that's not to say that I think that underneath the image I've created is nothing but bad stuff. It's just that there are bound to be things about her that I don't like. I've come to the conclusion that I'd be lying to myself if I didn't recognize that fact. Regardless of who, the more you get to know someone, the more there is to disagree with.

I'm just frustrated that I can't simply tell my heart to release this attachment and move on. At the same time, I'm also frustrated that I can't simply take the risk and tell her my feelings. What if she has feelings for me back? I doubt it, but what if? Oh, how often I'm crippled by possibility.

So, while I'm wanting to be accountable for my feelings, I'm not going to submit myself to any more guilt over this. I'm just going to load a different desktop. I wish it were the same for my feelings, but I'm afraid it doesn't work that way.

(I was going to lock this entry as private, but as I think about the purpose for my journal, I think that I need to be the most forthcoming here, above all, and take responsibility for what I think and feel. Should Bridget decide to read this, I'm not sure what I'd say to her, but I just need to be accountable somewhere, if not here.)

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Current Mood: frustrated frustrated
Current Music: "Voices in the Leaves" -Ichitootah