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Paper Journal 1 - Abadoss' Mind
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Thu, Dec. 24th, 1998 10:50 am
Paper Journal 1

Dear Journal,

This is the first time I've written my journal on paper. It's rather interesting. It's Christmas Eve and it's dark, but I got this cool pen with a light built into the tip of the pen. There are some things I need to take care of. First off, I need to let go of my infatuation with Kristy. I had a worldly mindset saying, "Date! Date! Do it! Date! Date, now! NOW!!!" You see, dating is not a good thing to do right now. Don't get me wrong, when I'm married, I plan to date my wife frequently. Dating is just an escape from reality that's good if your married and need to get away. As for teens or below or whatever, it's not a very good thing to do because it focuses you on your date and not GOD! By focusing yourself on your girlfriend or boyfriend, depending on your gender, diverts you from your duties to God as a Christian. It diverts you from your duties to your friends, family, and (believe it or not) your duty to love your enemies. I do confess that I have not been that great at loving my enemies. I'm not a wonderful Christian. I'm just a thirteen-year old kid who's faith is in God and who has an over-sized conscience. I'm also just a servant. Unfortunately, I tend to find myself selfish, rude, lazy, insensitive, rebellious, mean, bossy, condescending, ungracious, ignorant, gross, analytical, destructive, stupid, unorganized, boastful, and just a pain in the ass a lot of the time. Sometimes, I wonder what on Earth, or anywhere else for that matter, is wrong with me. I finally know what was going. When this whole thing with Kristy began, I had written in my computer journals that I wanted to know if this was something beautiful from God to enjoy for the rest of my life or Satan trying to fiddle with my brain. Well, it was Satan trying to screw my up. Satan must be stomping around in hell saying, "Damn it! Damn it! He found out! Damn!" I found out, Satan! So, once again the flag rises, "Don't tread on me!" Once again the banner waves for all who come might see. Throughout the world, it waves high. All who see know I will never die because you lost your grip on me, so "Don't tread on me!" As for my conscience, I have a real problem with forgiving myself. I can't forgive myself. If I do something wrong, I feel responsible, as if I need punishment or something - that kind of mentality. I don't know. I also have a problem with writer's cramp and writer's block, so good night. Merry Christmas 1998. Happy Hanukkah.

Your author,
Kenny Keyn

P.S.- I also find myself impatient, loud, interrupting, repetitive, unwilling to change, and trying too hard with things that don't count in the long run. But, you know what? (And this is the cool part) God loves me anyway. Isn't that just so cool. Even with all the crap that's in my life, God still loves me. He's even willing to clean it up for me. That's is so rad! He loves me! He loves ME! Out os the billions of people on this Earth and the trillions and trillions of people who lived before, I am of the least that deserve His love. And yet, He still loves me! That's God for you. He even loves those who reject Him. Even stranger - even though Satan turned from God completely and fully, even so much as to destroy the very ones who follow God (or at least try to destroy), God still loves him and weeps that he walked away. That is God all the way. It's hard to understand exactly why God still loves Satan after all the stuff he's done. Then again, it's hard to understand why He still loves US after all that WE have done. But, even with all our crap, we can still be assured a place in Heaven by Jesus Christ who died for our sins.