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Old Journal 59 - Abadoss' Mind
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Sat, Apr. 26th, 2003 12:34 am
Old Journal 59

Today is April 25, 2003. It’s been a little while since I’ve chosen to journal using Word, but tonight warrants it. Before I get into today, I’m going to give a little update on where I am. I just checked in with my last entry, and there’s a lot to cover.

Picking up where I left off: Hannah knew. After she found out, I tried to open up to her and let her know that I wanted friendship. Only problem is that I royally screwed up. Basically, my intent got distorted and all went downhill from there. She became a lot more distant, even when (or because) I tried to be around her. It all came to a conclusion during exhibitions.

During one of the presentations, I had taken a seat and then went to get my slip signed by the teacher. When I came back, Hannah was sitting next to my seat, and Steven was sitting in my seat. I let him know that I had been sitting there, so he was willing to give it back. I offered to let him stay, but he insisted, so I sat. A few seconds later Hannah whispered to Steven that she was uncomfortable sitting next to me and she wanted him to take the seat back. Steven refused, so Hannah got upset and stormed to the back of the room.
Later that night, I called her to figure out what was going on. In her words, she didn’t appreciate that I thought that I was a part of her life. Naturally, I was a bit stunned. First off, I never considered myself part of her life. As a matter of fact, I knew that I wasn’t a part of her life. I had considered her a part of my life. After she ranted a little at me, the conversation was over because I couldn’t think of anything to say. About an hour later, I called again, and in my pseudo-simple way, I apologized for everything.
Since then, I’ve been purposefully avoiding her, as to not complicate matters. Naturally, it has made it complicated. Anyway, I haven’t said anything over ten words to her in the past year. I’ve left any place that I didn’t need to be in, if she was there; I avoided as much eye contact as my mind would let me; and I’ve basically tried to keep any contact strictly professional. My intent is to honor her wishes and to shield myself from further pain.

The only problem is that she is everywhere, it’s difficult to appear natural doing all this avoiding, and it’s still painful. It’s like pouring salt on a wound or dragging myself through a field of broken glass and jumping in a pool of lemonade. In all simple terms, when I see her, hear her, or think that I feel her presence, my heart breaks all over again and again.

So this year, it turns out, after I had already signed up, Hannah and I wind up on the Prom Committee together. Needless to say, pain ensues.

Now that I’m done with that, I’m going to talk a little about tonight. Tonight was the Prom. Basically, I have never been to any other dance than last year’s Spring Fling 80’s Dance. At the 80’s one, I just didn’t get it. The whole dancing thing just didn’t make sense to me. At the Prom, however, I basically threw most caution to the wind. It would be the equivalent of taking a glass of wine before going. I was dancing and grooving and actually enjoying myself, which I had not anticipated.

The entire evening was nearly perfect, except for one instance when Hannah and another girl… I’m not sure how to describe it, but it was very similar in nature to being humped while dancing. I wasn’t going to take that, so I moved away. Other than that, the night was really great.

I ended up dancing with Jill a lot. I even danced with her on two of the slower songs. She pulled me into the first one and the second time, I asked. It was really great, but I worry that she may try to press on with that. Jill is a nice person and I like her as my friend, but I’d rather not let it go any further than that. I’m also still not in a position where I’d be ready for any relationship other than friendship.

I’m pretty tired, so I’m going to let this one wrap up. Good night at 12:34 AM.