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Old Journal 58 - Abadoss' Mind
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Thu, Apr. 18th, 2002 10:00 pm
Old Journal 58

Today is April 18, 2002. It’s been one hell of a day. Over the last month or so, I’ve been tampering with my emotional walls that I set up four years ago. I have basically said that it’s time they come down and, damn it, do they crash! There has been more crap this month than any other year EVER!!! All of it is centered around my crush on Hannah.

Let’s start slow. I’m not sure if I mentioned this in my last offline journal, but near the end of last month, before I went to Korea (I’ll get into that later), I got to the point where I was sick of not being able to express my emotions properly. So, I made a challenge to a couple of my friends to find out as many secrets about me as possible. I thought that this would be a good way to open a dialogue between myself and other people, so I could have a healthier release than just bottling it all up. As the time drew near, no one could find anything, except Morgan (last name removed for courtesy) and Pat (last name removed for courtesy).

Morgan is a freshman at school and is the saxophone in Six Line Staff (formerly Vantage Point). He is a determined little mole when he wants to be, but he’s not very good at it. He managed to pick up on the Hannah trail through Crystal (last name removed for courtesy). Crystal, apparently, was listening in when I asked Hannah to the Prom. Morgan tries to use that as his only source for my crush. I told him I wasn’t going to accept that on the basis that friends will often ask friends to occasions like. With that, he practically gave up.

Pat (last name removed for courtesy) has become one of my closer friends as of lately. He is one of the bassists in Six Line Staff. Not as determined, but a little more skillful, he was able to hone in on the crush by asking me a series of questions. He wasn’t all that concerned about the challenge, so I figured that it wouldn’t be all that bad. So, I basically led him on to it. Through him, I managed to complete my original ideal for my challenge… I opened the dialogue.

Once he was able to guess that Hannah was my crush, I told him a very general everything. I went into my past (namely my father), my former crushes, and my feelings for Hannah. The more we talked, the more I realized what an idiot I was for holding it all in. We continued to talk and explore the various sub-issues that I brought up. I was finally putting a crack into my shell. Little did I know at the time, I was in store for a lot more than I could’ve ever imagined…

Essentially, this is where the snowball started. I got myself into the mode of cracking down my emotional shield and with each step; I came closer and closer to tearing it apart. I refused to stay inside my bubble any longer. I was tired of watching my world from the inside, out. I could not stand the idea that I would be a living corpse, emotionally.

On to Korea… I have to say this is where I went through some major value assessment. Over there, I began to think about how appropriate my commitment is at this time in my life. I know for a fact that for the last four years, it had been the right thing for me to do. However, I was now trying to regain the emotions I had lost. Was it worth continuing? Would I be better off simply letting go? I began asking these questions when a little situation arose between Erik (who I’ve come to call my best friend) and Ashley Adams (a choir girl).

Around about a third of the way through the trip, Ashley began asking for massages (which before Korea, I thought I sucked at). Anyway, I tried really hard to handle the intimate conditions of giving massages. Luckily for me, I was able to keep myself in line. However, Erik had the idea that I might have developed a crush on Ashley. I tried to convince him that I didn’t, but he continued on trying to give me reasons why I would like her. Eventually, he actually started to get a thing for her. Within a few days, Erik had a crush on Ashley and I was advising him again. Needless to say, a major episode occurs over the last portion of the trip, coming to a climax on the plane ride home. But, that’s his story, not mine.
During all of that, I started noticing some things about myself. I suppose I could say I felt through him. I realized that there was more to life than just going through the motions. I had to break free of my self-imposed emotional confinement and find a way to reintegrate my ability to deal with emotions normally. There’s more that I can say, but to say it would be too difficult. It’s really hard to put into words just all that was happening in my mind. Anyway, this became catalyst number two.

Catalyst, number three: the necklace. In Korea, I bought a necklace for Hannah. It was a really big green stone on a ball link chain. I wrote a letter and put the stone inside. When I returned, I made sure that it ended up with her. I originally planned on sticking it in her bag, but I didn’t have enough time, so I gave it to her directly. Later that evening, I called her to ask about a project we were working on together and the first thing she said was that I was brave for giving that to her and writing what I wrote.
What I wrote was basically where I got the stone from and why I gave it to her. I made sure to choose my words carefully, but one sentence was a major give away… I wrote, “You mean a lot to me and I care about you.” Those words alone would have blown my cover, but apparently not (in my mind at the time).

Being the express-emotions-train, I decided that I would bring in some help for my issue. My idea was to figure out what Hannah thinks about me, though Rachele (last name removed for courtesy) (Erik’s first crush this year). I had no idea of what I was getting into. Talking to her ultimately toppled my entire covert ops. If I had kept my mouth shut, I would still be on familiar ground, but nope… I had to freely express my emotions.

So, I called her. She picked up and I began talking. Even before I finished, she “had all the answers”… to the questions I didn’t have. As I was about to explain that I wasn’t quite looking for those answers, Junior (Zak (last name removed for courtesy)) calls on her cell phone. She convinces the very dumbfounded me that she needs to talk to Zak, so I hang up. I wandered about the house in a dazed stupor. It happened so quickly, my head was still spinning.

Catalyst, number four: during math class (I could never find a time to talk with Rachele while Zak wasn’t around) I basically told her that I was heavily considering just outright telling Hannah that I had a crush on her. She responded with, “Are you doing that for you or Hannah?” Naturally, I do my normal beating-around-the-bush and say that it would be a release for me, but I think Hannah has the right to know. Stupid me, saying something like that!!! What kind of an idiot am I that I can be so foolish as to say something like that?!

Event, number one: Spanish class. This morning I walked into Spanish class, worrying only about the fact that I forgot to help Anne (last name removed for courtesy) (knew about all of this from LiveJournal) with her science project. We took a test on verbs and were then assigned a partner to do Spanish interview questions. Oddly enough (I had no control over this), Hannah ends up with me. She moans a little (which I understand why now) after hearing that. I go over to the table that she’s at and I never knew what hit me.
First she slams down seven dollars (which I had paid for a field trip for her) and tries to give it to me. I tried really hard to refuse, but she was beginning to make a big scene about it. I put it in my wallet with the intention of placing it back in her purse later. She was absent the last two classes, so she didn’t know what we were doing for the questions. I tried to explain to her, but she took out all her built up frustrations on me. I got majorly railed that period. Even Mrs. Eddy was feeling sorry for me. I was so caught off guard that I was just sitting there about to burst into laughter. I had no idea what was going on, so all could do was laugh. I tried to avoid problems, so I just chuckled a little.

Event, number two: Audition/Resumé. We were scheduled to go to an elementary school to help out with classes and such. On the way there, Lisa (last name removed for courtesy) (friend, but not previously aware) informs me that “someone” told her that I have a crush on Hannah. The way she put it, though, pointed directly to Rachele. I put my confidentiality in a bad place. What was more surprising to me was what she said next…

Hannah knows!

Event, number three: freaked out and incredibly distressed about the fact that she ratted on me, I was about ready to track her down with bloodhounds. Luckily, I kept myself in line. After choir, I made sure that I could talk to Rachele about her betrayal as she was walking to band (she was singing for them). I plainly asked her if she told Hannah. She tried to avoid the question, but I nailed her on it. She admitted, but stated that Hannah already had an idea about my crush. I was so ready to vent on her, but she had to help with the band, so I had to let her go.

Event, number four: Knowing Hannah knew, I made a decision. No more cloak and dagger, I was going to talk. I grabbed a Coke and a boiled egg and prepared myself. I picked up the phone and dialed Hannah’s number. I asked her if she had a little bit to talk… she said she was leaving. So, I made it brief.
I said, “I heard you know”
She asked, “Heard I know what?”
“From Rachele,” I replied.
“Oh, well… I actually already had an idea about that...”
For a minute or so, I went into it and told her that I’ve had a crush on her since mid-November. She said that I was brave for being straightforward about it and not trying to pick a date off of it. I apologized for not telling her before and asked if we could talk later about all this. She needed to go, so I hung up and was in total disbelief. It wouldn’t click with me that I had actually told her. It still doesn’t click in.

This is the first time that I have ever told my crush that I have a crush. It’s the first time I’ve told anyone I have a crush. It’s the first time someone has backstabbed me about a crush. It’s the first time I’ve ever doubted if my commitment to non-dating was the appropriate thing to do. It’s the first time that I’ve tried to lose my emotional shell. It’s the first time that I’ve been the patient instead of the psychiatrist. It’s the first time for a lot of things, but only God knows what’s next.

Community Service Day is tomorrow and I’ll be going to the same place as Hannah. Maybe I’ll get a chance to talk with her more. There is a lot that’ll be happening these next couple periods of time. I know God has it covered, but I’m not sure what it is He has in mind. Whatever the path, I will follow God. I pray for resolution and peace… and love.

Good night at 10:00 pm.