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Old Journal 55 - Abadoss' Mind — LiveJournal
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Sun, Dec. 23rd, 2001 01:46 pm
Old Journal 55

Well, it’s me again. Can’t seem to keep my head out of some new problem. This journal was started about 8:00 PM, Saturday, December 22, 2001 and is being finished around 1:29 PM, Sunday, December 23, 2001. These past couple weeks have been very difficult for me. I have run into a few emotions I thought I had gotten rid of. What’s worse is that I once again got infatuated. I feel like not going into it, but I know that if I don’t do it now, I won’t do it later.
If I didn’t mention in my last journal entry, I’m still at Arts & Communication MAGNET School. I’m in band and men’s ensemble (vocal). I ran for student body treasurer and lost to Sam Morehouse (spelling). I’m an active member of the school… sort of. Anyway, I have a lot on my plate and most of it is causing me stress. My band teacher is relentless; my choir teacher is… I can’t think of the word at the moment, but it has something to do with being unwavering about dates and commitment; and my social life is killing me.
I’ll start off with music. I am, or at least was, caught between the two most strong-willed people I could have ever known. My band teacher, Mr. Thara Memory, is a jazz trumpet player for back in the sixties. My choir teacher, Mrs. Becky Thompson, is renowned throughout the state for her choir programs. Now that you have the characters, let me build the setting. Both the men’s ensemble and the girl choir were scheduled to perform at the Grotto on December 14, so Mrs. Thompson wanted a lot of rehearsals (this will also tie into my really big problem). A lot of them took me out of 7th period… band with Mr. Memory.
The characters… the setting… now all that’s left is the plot. If you think of most of the Godzilla movies you’ve seen (I’m talking the badly-dubbed, crappy-plot, giant-puppet ones) with the “evil” monsters that for some reason Godzilla has to ward off, you could replace the monster and Godzilla with Mr. Memory and Mrs. Thompson, then pretend that the city is me and you would have your plot. It really doesn’t matter who is who, but needless to say, I got trampled.
Mrs. Thompson doesn’t like it when people miss her class when an important event is en-route. Mr. Memory doesn’t really like it when people miss his class, regardless. To both of them, I needed to be with them at all times. I’m a section leader for Mrs. Thompson. I’m the eldest horn player in Mr. Memory’s band. I was important to both, but because the choir had a performance, I made an effort to put that first. Mr. Memory was not happy with this. Luckily for me, I never once mentioned my priorities, or else I would have been pastry.
Anyway, one day in particular was the last full rehearsal for the choirs before the performance (the day of the performance). Mr. Memory conveniently called in this trombone instructor, Stan Bach, on the same day (same time). The thing about him is he is the best in the state and Mr. Memory was paying for him to be there. So, I was expected to leave in the middle of rehearsal to go have a lesson with him. Needless to say, Mrs. Thompson didn’t want me to leave because I was an important person in the choir. Thankfully, all this pandemonium occurred the day before the rehearsal, so I could figure things out. Both teachers had me bouncing around telling the other teacher that I couldn’t do this or that and I needed to here and there for this reason and so on.
Finally, they agreed to a schedule in which I would go to the rehearsal, which started during 6th period, and then leave to go to my lesson at 2:15, a little after the end of the school day. I was stressed out and falling apart that day and the following morning. I went to rehearsal during 6th period. Then left at 2:15 to go to my rehearsal, but Mr. Bach was sick. So, I went back to rehearsal. I do not remember a time when I was happier that someone else was sick aside from myself.
Since Mr. Bach was sick, Mr. Memory decided to bring him in on the rehearsal date for the performance for our school. There were no lucky shots for me because Stan showed up this time. Mrs. Thompson almost didn’t let me go, but with some help from Erik Iverson, I was able to go.
As bad as that sounded, it’s only the beginning. I don’t know if I mentioned this in my last journal, but Troy was working with the former singer for Vantage Point last year, Jessica Meshell. Well, that ended very badly. Jessica’s mom, Linda, was a very controlling type of person. The way she worked really burned Troy. At the time Troy was leading worship and I was running sound at their church, West Union. To make a long story short… Linda offended Troy. He left, leaving me as the only contact between the two factions (Troy won’t speak to them). He refused to go to the church anymore. Because Troy wasn’t there, the church closed… blah, blah, blah. I’m not doing the confusion and frustration justice by this paragraph, but that’s the jist of it.
Additionally, Jason and family is now moving to Southern California again. So Janelle left a week or so ago, and Jason is going down tomorrow (as of Dec. 23). So what? Well, yesterday, I was informed that we’re spending Christmas in California!… We are going to help them move down, then spend Christmas down there. So, tomorrow, I’ll be on my way to dandy, overly-sunny, smoggy, disgusting Southern California. I hate Southern California. I don’t want to go back there. I hate it. ERRRR!!!!! Anyway, that’s only a minor problem.
Now onto larger problems… As I said, the choir thing would tie into my big problem. Well, here it is… in the girl’s choir (take a wild guess what the problem is) there is a girl by the name of Hannah. She is also in a lot of my classes (1st, 2nd, and 4th). Well, she’s really intelligent, funny, talented musically, and beautiful. Basically, almost everything I look for. I became her friend… more like acquaintance, but the thought’s still the same. Slowly, but surely, I started to admire her qualities. She really didn’t have that many flaws (that I saw). Without even realizing it, I became infatuated. I wasn’t paying attention and I screwed up. Here I was, the “pure” and “innocent” Kenny, falling for a girl… AGAIN!
There’s more… Because we were rehearsing so much, the other members of the men’s ensemble began to become attracted to her. My friend Pat (last name removed for courtesy) (who recently told me he was bi-sexual) and Steve (last name removed for courtesy) (who I don’t really feel comfortable around, anyway) both became interested. I only knew about Pat at first because he had confided that information with me. I suppose I wasn’t too worried about him, though. What I feel bad about (as far as he’s concerned) is that I consciously told him that she wouldn’t go for him (in a more subtle way). I can’t believe that I would stoop that low.
Steve on the other hand I didn’t know until a week ago, when Hannah (during 2nd period, Spanish) told me that he had asked her to the Winter Formal (dance). I was a little shocked, but didn’t really think or feel too much. I kept that in mind and dwelled on it as soon as I got home, but it really didn’t faze me that much. It affected me more than usual, but not on a highly noticeable scale. It wasn’t until Chemistry a couple days later did I really get hit with a hard ball.
We were doing tie-dye in class and some of the girls started taking permanent markers and drawing on their shirts that they were going to dye. Steve took this idea and wrote “Hannah” on his shirt. When I saw this, I was hit with the strongest jealousy and broken-heartedness that I can ever remember. I took several deep breaths and tried to remain inconspicuous. After about four minutes or so, I tried to clear my thoughts so that I could act rationally. Steve even asked for my help binding (a process in tie-dye) one of his shirts, so I desperately kept my cool and showed him what I did. Naturally, I avoided most eye contact. That night, I slumped my way home (I forgot bus money) and cried myself to sleep while praying my heart out.
Now that it’s Christmas break, I’ve been thinking a lot about what happened. I now identify the emotions that I was having, but it’s so hard to turn them around. During this entire time I started to question whether or not the whole no dating thing was a good idea. I’m still questioning it, but I have a new perspective. I imagine that if there were no challenges to it then it really wouldn’t be worth the effort. Plus, if there were no challenges, why wouldn’t everyone hop on board. I always thought that it would be more difficult to live a dating life, but as I now see it, it is so much more difficult to lead a non-dating life.
I don’t know what God’s plan for me is, but I suppose I’m just going to have to wait and watch for God’s timing. I have to follow God, or I’m going to fall flat on my face in crap. There has been too much stuff happening and it has been ripping away at my ability to remain stable. I guess right now, the only thing I can do is pray. I have no bigger or more powerful weapon than prayer.
When it all comes down to it, all this stuff really isn’t that big of a deal. God with have helped me work most of this stuff out and I’ll grow from it. God will never give me more than I can handle, but he needs me to grow. The only way I can do this is to be tested. These I guess are just a few of them. God will see me through them. Whatever it takes.
Anyway, buenas tardes! (Spanish for “good afternoon’) Adios! Adieu! Bon voyage! Er… yeah. Anyway, this concludes this entry. It’s 1:46 PM, Sunday, December 23, 2001.