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Old Journal 54 - Abadoss' Mind
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Sat, Oct. 6th, 2001 10:04 pm
Old Journal 54

It’s certainly been a while since I’ve made any entries into my journal series. Today is Saturday, October 6, 2001. I suppose I need to update what’s happened so far. As of late, I’m a junior at Arts and Communications still. I’m there everyday from 7:40 AM to 5:00 PM, except on Mondays.
A lot has happened to me as a person these past years. I’ve grown and matured, but I still haven’t managed to lose a lot of problems. I’m still dealing with issues of relationships, faith, and depression. The only thing that’s changed is the amount of weapons at my disposal. I’ve always been somewhat of a recluse socially, but now that I’m older, is that still working? I was having problems with it when trying to deal with Kristy. Now that I’m dealing with a whole onslaught of new dilemmas, what am I supposed to do? The obvious response is to pray and wait for God’s timing, but I don’t feel that waiting is appropriate here. Praying is always appropriate, but I want to know what else I should be doing. At the end of last year I had a little bit of trouble with Karen (last name removed for courtesy). I wanted to be a good friend, but it was a one-sided relationship and it was starting to hurt me trying to uphold it myself. It carried on into the beginning of this year, but I don’t see it as much anymore. Maybe it’s a blessing that I don’t, but I still feel bad. I liked her. (I’m not as bad about crushes anymore, either) I wanted to be her friend, but I suppose I shouldn’t have pushed it. I need to let go. It’s one thing if both people build the friendship together, but separately, both are destined to fail. I have to start from ground zero. I simple need to step back and let whatever happen, happen. In the meantime we can still be sort-of-friends. An acquaintance with a higher status, I guess. It hurts, but I’m okay with it.
Now that I’m a junior, I have to deal with the prospect of college. This is very freaky for me. I have no idea how the hell I’m going to pull it off. Whatever happens will only happen at the grace of God. Frankly, I don’t have the greatest of grades and my musical talent is a little short. I want to major in music, but I don’t know f I can get into a good enough college that I can adequately prepare myself for the real world. Plus, all these colleges sound like more pressure and work than I can handle. I refuse not to go to college. I know that it is something that I need to do. Troy only made it to his sophomore year. I’ve already passed him in education, but it was a challenge. I was so worried that I’d end up following his footsteps and flunking out my tenth grade year. My thing is that I love my school. I love the people and the atmosphere. I couldn’t go to another school. If I wasn’t accepted back in this year, I would have gotten a GED and moved on to college. That would have been the more difficult way. I don’t think I would have lasted very long if that were to happen. With God’s mercy I was accepted again, and I’m back for another year. I know that I need to finish out my high school years at ACMS (They replaced “High” in High School with “Magnet”).
I’ll finish up this journal another time. It’s late and I need to go to bed. Adieu.