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Old Journal 45 - Abadoss' Mind
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Mon, Mar. 22nd, 1999 08:12 pm
Old Journal 45

Today is Monday, March 22, 1999. Have you ever wondered what life was all about? Do you wonder why everything around you exists? Do you wonder why things happen to you? Why things happen to your friends? Your family? These are some things that just happen to cross my mind. I constantly end up in plain view of Kristy, almost every day now, except the days she’s absent. Although she is not someone bad to look at, it’s not my place or timing. If God, for some reason, wants Kristy and me to be together in the future I will be more than willing, but for now, it’s not my place. However, I still can’t stop looking at her. To begin with, I thought God put her on this Earth so we could be together. Now, I know that’s not true. I gave her a piece of my heart without knowing what I was giving it to, and now, I can’t pull away. I’m still attracted to her. I don’t dare say I love her because I don’t have the right or the understanding to say I love someone like that. I do know that I am infatuated with her. She has me hooked. I just seem lost in this abyss called infatuation. I can’t stop thinking about her, and listening to Maggie talk about Mike, doesn’t help very much. About two nights ago, I had a dream. I was in a car with Maggie. It was nighttime. She was driving and I was helping her by giving her advice. Then, I saw a “Do Not Enter” sign rush by. Then, I actually felt like the car was falling strait of the side of a cliff. I felt it. As I woke up I cried, “Kristy, I love you!” I don’t know why I said that. I have no clue, but it scares me. I want to know why was Maggie driving and why was I instructing her on driving and why did I cry out, “Kristy, I love you!” and why did we go over a cliff and why was it nighttime? That’s what I want to know. Also, what’s with the “Do Not Enter” sign? What’s going on here? Is my helping Maggie with her problem dragging me off a cliff? Is that cliff a deeper or stronger infatuation? With Kristy? Is the sign a warning to me to stop and turn the other way? What is the reason behind this dream? Did God send it or what? What is going on?!? And why? Does the night depict a dark time in my life or in Maggie’s or whose? Why such a vivid feeling of falling? Why? That’s what I want to know. That’s all I want to know, for right now. Another thing I want to know: why can’t I get over Kristy? Anyway, now that I gotten that off my chest, I can move on. Today, I started the SAT 9 test. It’s actually the STAR 9 test, but who cares. Well, that just about does it. Good night at 8:12.