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Old Journal 40 - Abadoss' Mind
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Mon, Jan. 4th, 1999 08:26 pm
Old Journal 40

Today is Monday, January 4, 1999. Today was amazingly smooth. You see, from Friday, December 11 through Friday, December 18, I was absent. I expected to get more homework and test and to have my teachers getting upset. I also found out that Kristy did not move like I thought she did. That leads me to my next topic. I was hoping she had moved so that I would not have to worry about being infatuated. Too bad for me. Now I have to fight this as hard as I can. I cannot let myself fall into this. It’s not good for my grades, my friendships, my relationships with my family, and my devotion to God. It’s hard to keep from infatuation. I mean there’s no way around the fact that she is a very pretty girl. I know the truth behind dating. I know what God wants me to do. I know what I must do, but it’s hard. I mean once you fall into the pit of infatuation, it takes some climbing to get out. Apparently, I still have a way to go before I get out. At least I know which way is up. It all depends on getting out, now. I have trouble not trying to impress people, and that includes Kristy. I just seem to drift of into a time lapse of sorts when nothing happens. No one new becomes my friend. No one I already know becomes a better friend. I don’t get any answers. I don’t get any questions besides my own. No end to the pain of waiting for change. No end to worries of the night. No land in sight on this sea of depression. No matter how hard I try, I hardly ever make any friendships with other people. I rarely talk to any girls. For that matter, I have no girl friends. I mean friends that are girls when I say that. I try to be nice, but I always end up last. I can’t do any thing to try to make some kind of impact on them for God. I mean my fleeting efforts end up short. I hurts me to see my existence go down the drain because I can’t get though it their thick skulls that I’m a friend and that by God and through God I love them. Although it’s hard to show that in this day and age, I try not to show them the opposite. At least I try. Even if I had a friend that was a girl, it would be hard for me to talk to her. I have problems opening conversations with them because I don’t know what I should say or what not to say that doesn’t make me look like I’m trying to hit on her and most of the time they’re not willing to open a conversation. I don’t know what not to say that would make me look like a complete idiot. I would like to have girl friends as well as guy friends. I have in my life have only had two real friends that were girls, Rebecca, or Becky, and Jessica. It hurts me to see that I can’t be friends with anybody but the weirdoes. No offense intended towards my friends, but it’s true. Not only that, but they’re all guys. It’s sad that all we do is walk around aimlessly talking about absolutely nothing, crack petty insults at each other, and just do nothing. It seems that no one wants to have anything to do with me. Sometimes, I wished people would know how I feel, but then again, knowing the mentality of these people, that may not be such a good idea. Pretty much what I’m saying is I want a new start at the beginning without changing friends or schools. Changing schools sucks. It’s too hard to continuously make new friends over and over and over and over again. If it were easier, I wouldn’t complain, but it’s not. Sometimes, wish I could know what they’ve been though and what they think and how they think. I only limited to one body, one soul, one spirit, and one mind. I have no way of telling if I’ve done something for God, if I’ve hurt someone, if I’ve brought someone up, or if I’ve been tagged by the enemy. I don’t know why I am still here and why I can’t seem to do anything. I don’t know what to do any more. I have no earthly idea. I’m scared stiff. There’s nothing I can do. I still wonder why God decided to keep me. Even after all the stuff I’ve done, all the stuff I’m doing, the stuff I have yet to do, and how little I done to help Him. Overall, I want to know why I don’t seem to able to make any change on the people around me. Anyway, I know not what to do. Well, good night at 8:26.