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Old Journal 32 - Abadoss' Mind
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Sun, Nov. 8th, 1998 09:07 pm
Old Journal 32

Today is Sunday, November 8, 1998. I am just beginning to wonder how long God will take to answer me. I’ve been praying constantly. Today, there was some rain. It was refreshing rain. The air was fresh with smell of the new fallen rain. It was chilly as well. The weird thing about me is that I can handle the cold better than the heat. One example is, on my baptism, I had a choice of the jacuzzi, which had been previously “warmed” up, and the pool. Now, just a reminder, this was outside on January 31 of this year. The Jacuzzi was a little hot and the pool was freezing. I chose the pool. Tom said that he would not do that for anyone else. Just in case you don’t know, Tom is the one who baptized me. Anyway, I feel so alone. Even though I have God, my family, my friends, my spiritual parents and family, and anyone else, I feel so alone without Kristy. Even the cold of Antarctica is no match for how alone I feel. Without her, the world seems so cold. I not talking about the physical cold of this world, although I’m feeling that too, I’m talking about the emptiness inside me that can’t be filled with mere fare-weather friends, real friends, or even my family. I have another problem; mom still wants to move. She was offered a house on the other side of Lawton street or avenue or whatever it is. I will be able to go to Cope still, but I won’t have the same bus and I’ll be farther away from Kristy than I am right now. That threatens me. Even if I only get a few minutes on the same bus as Kristy, I would not give it up for all the riches and glories and honors of this world. Even if it is a few minutes, I don’t want to be cut short of time to spend with Kristy. Not counting the bus time, I only get an hour and a half to spend near Kristy. With the bus time it’s only about an hour and forty-five minutes. Even about fifteen minutes near Kristy is important. I don’t want to lose that. Not at all. I know that God would not allow me to have these feelings unless he had a purpose for me with her. If it only be for a day, then I would be more then happy. If it only be to impact her life and nothing more, then I will oblige. But, if I can’t have a chance with her, then I don’t know how I would handle it. I scares me when my mom talks about moving. It scares me. I can’t imagine what God has in mind, but I know it’s for the better. Hopefully, it will be that we not move. These are my thoughts, worries, fears, prayers for today. Good night at 9:07. May God bless.