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Top Secret: File D061705-AEKQ1146 - Abadoss' Mind
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Fri, Jun. 17th, 2005 12:00 pm
Top Secret: File D061705-AEKQ1146

Once again, I've proven my capacity to become attached. I found a girl who seems to embody everything that I'm looking for, but the timing is wrong. I'm still not in a position to start dating, with or without my commitment. She needs to concentrate on what she has to be doing. And our paths cross so seldom that I hardly have a chance to know her. Additionally, my psyche is up to its old tricks of crippling my ability to even attempt friendship.

Who is she? Bridget. A girl who I really would like to get to know. She's intelligent, deep, and she's very attractive. Not only does she have those qualities, but she also knows how to enjoy life and have fun. From what I know of her, she's an incredible person.

The truth, though, is that I don't know her very well at all. That's not to say that I wouldn't like to or that I haven't tried to get to know her. It's like I said before, our paths don't cross enough.

Here's another big struggle with me. Because of what I know about myself and where I'm at right now, I want to simply be a friend. However, my growing infatuation is blinding my attempts. This infatuation, which I didn't do enough to curb, is as poisonous as all the others before it. I'm not pleased with the fact that I let it continue this far.

Anyway, that's a good deal of what's on my mind. The rest includes Stephanie, debt, school, God, and food.

I've been thinking a lot about Stephanie because there's a great deal of concern on my heart. My concern is that the way we interact is to such a degree that it's almost like we might as well be dating. My problem here is not only with my commitment. Even without the commitment, I wouldn't date anyone I couldn't see myself potentially marrying. I can't see myself marrying Stephanie. A dating relationship with her would be simply for the sake of dating and I'm not okay with that. I'm not okay with the idea of going into a relationship that was doomed to end like that. I don't think I could handle it emotionally.

(I just got a message back from Eric Whitacre, so I'm going to cut this a little short) My debt is annoying me because I'm constantly finding myself without money and owing people. It's annoying because I can't conceivably think of a way to come up with enough money to pay them off. My school is troubling me because I keep slacking off and not completing my work. I'm having difficulties with the fact that I feel like I'm drifting away from God and I don't like that at all. And I'm very low on food, which is why I'm thinking about that. It relates to my debt problem.

That's it for now.

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Current Mood: confused confused
Current Music: "Marble Dash" -Joshua Morse