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Worth the Investment - Abadoss' Mind
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Wed, Jun. 8th, 2005 12:43 am
Worth the Investment

Why is it that a simple words could not explain me? Why does it have to be that it would take days of research just to understand even part of me? Why can't I tell someone everything there is to know about me in a brief moment?

I'm frustrated with the fact that it takes so much effort for other people to even begin to understand me. It's not that my life is any more advanced or involved than anyone elses, it's just that there's so much to it that defies language. I'm sure that there's probably some way of explaining everything, but there's no way to do it directly. I can't simply say, "this is who I am." Instead, I have to say, "this is part of who I am and this is another part, and that part weaves into this part and both are in conflict with this other part, but somehow they still manage to support yet another part... etc."

What further frustrates me is that each part of me is so simple. When it comes to any given part of myself, the concepts behind it are almost always straight forward. The only that complicates everything is that it's all interconnected and layered, so that nothing is without context. On top of that, I tend to juggle multiple contexts at any one time. And to add plenty more problems to this whole mess, I have an extensive and active history (as I call it).

So, what do I say to someone who says, "I'd like to get to know you"? Obviously, I'd want them to be able to, but at the same time, I don't know if they're going to want to take the effort to do so. I also don't know how much of my life is of any interest to anyone else. It's certainly interesting to me because I live in it, but there's no guarantee that it will make a lick of difference to anyone else. I hardly ever get feedback on it, except when provoked, so I hardly know what to think.

Additionally, there's one other think that bothers me. What if all this mess that I have so hard a time trying to get other people to understand, is really not as difficult as I make it out to be? What if it hardly takes any time at all to get to know me? If so, why aren't more people trying? Going back to my earlier statement, perhaps my life isn't interesting enough to make any effort worthwhile, even if it doesn't take that much.

Another problem is how I communicate my life to others. I already know that I have a horrible time with trying to explain myself to other people. However, I'm very willing to answer anything about myself if asked. At the same time, I have a hard time talking about myself for too long. I feel like I'm being too self-centered when I talk about myself for a long period of time. I do spend a lot of time talking about myself in my journal, but that's mostly because the very nature of a journal is to somewhere where I can explore my own existence (whether it be in the things that I've done or finding the inner core of my essence). Anyway, in conversation, I'll often try to change the subject if I end up talking about myself for a while. What concerns me, though, is whether or not this particular quirk is causing people to think that I'm not willing to talk and so the subject is avoided.

I suppose what it really comes down to is a question in my soul about why it seems that hardly anyone invests in me. It's hard when there doesn't seem to be any logic behind it. I simply don't know where things have gone wrong, whether it's with me, other people, or no one at all.

I'm thankful for those that do invest in me, even if just a little, and I want to be sure that I make that clear. My concern is in how rare that seems to be. I also have to make clear that I, under no circumstances, expect anyone to devote themselves entirely to understanding me. That would be extremely unfair and selfish of me to think that. I'm just frustrated that I can't ask anyone to try to understand me. I can't drop hints, manipulate, or force anyone because it would defeat every purpose and everything good such understanding can bring. There is nothing I can do except wait, pray, and hope.

The most frustrating part about feeling like no one invests the time to understand me is that it leaves me feeling alone and isolated. It makes me feel dejected and alien.

It also limits how I plan for my life. Every goal that I've mapped out in my life is devoid of any interaction with other people, in a specific sense. I expect that I'll have to interact with people, especially with college and everything else, but no where do my goals take into account my social life. Why? Because I don't have strong enough roots anywhere (other than intellectually) that I couldn't just pick up and move on. If I willed myself to go anywhere, I could because I'm not tied down by anything or anyone. I don't like that.

That's not to say that I want to change my goals, but rather that I'm not okay with the fact that it would be so easy for me to simply vanish from where I am. Yes, I'd probably keep in contact with people (particularly on LiveJournal and whatnot), but I don't feel like I have any importance in the lives of other people. Sure, the positions I hold are important for what they accomplish, but they are slots to be filled and they will be filled long after I'm gone. Otherwise, I'm just another warm body in this world, trying to survive.

Yet, despite all this, I continue to search. I continue to look for that person that will invest. I look for that person that I can be important to, not by my merits or by the things that I do, but just because of being who I am. I'm looking for a place where I am not just filling a slot. I need to know that there's more to me than just my intelligence or my skills and talents. I need to know that there's a point to my life, other than this searching. I doubt that I'll ever stop searching, but I need to know that I am capable of more. That I'm capable of being worth the investment.

I know my intrinsic worth, but now it's time to know my extrinsic worth.

Current Mood: frustrated frustrated
Current Music: "Spirits of Memory" -Kenneth Edward Keyn


Wed, Jun. 8th, 2005 01:54 pm (UTC)

Wish I had words of wisdom here, but sadly the most I can offer is "been there, doing that." As a general rule, most of the people I know in real life are not invested in me at all. We talk, we can have a fun time, but when it comes to really knowing/trying to know/being interested in me? They're not.

So it's not just you. Believe me, I've gone through the list of what makes me hard to know and come up feeling the way you do...that I can't be understood/appreciated/known in sound bites. Unfortunately, that seems to be what our present society wants, is friendship/relationships based on a few minutes here or there.

My thought? That it's a societal failing. We don't really push meaningful relationships. The main drive is doing/obtaining, not spending time on one another. Fortunately, there are people out there that are ignoring this and are willing to take time...but they are few and far between. It's frustrating...believe me, I know, having spent the last several years thinking, "What? Am I just a rotten friend? Why isn't anyone willing to spend the kind of interest on a friendship that I am?"

Wed, Jun. 8th, 2005 05:53 pm (UTC)

You said that sometimes the concepts behind specific areas are direct, streaightfoward and simple... But people always believe that everything in this life is so complex and hidden, that they often oversee the truth in all its simplicities. (Reminds me a bit of Sikking's class.)

I would love to get to know you as a person, but it seems that our limitations lie within Livejournal, and that all I can know you through is text. Text can never explain what emotions or shared thoughts can possess, for this human language is full of its own limits.

Nobody should ever feel like they're nothing more than a slot-filler. And honestly, I don't see you as that at all. You are Kenneth Edward Keyn, not just another person I remember from ACMA that's already graduated. You are full of intellect and artistic abilities. And you're human...

That, is more than enough reason to place the time and investment into learning who you are.