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Thankful - Abadoss' Mind
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Tue, Mar. 8th, 2005 02:29 pm

There are far too many times in my life where I know what it is I want to say, but I have no idea how to. There are definites in my life that don't seem to have words. And then there are times when I finally break down and say what I know I want to say, though often not how I would ideally like to say it, and I'm either misinterpretted or pitied. I appreciate pity, but I don't want it. Once of the reasons I don't want it is because I then feel like I've manipulated the response. I fear my capacity to manipulate. I fear that I am do it when I don't mean to and when I do mean to, I feel even worse. I wish the words that I could use could be without connotation. I wish someone could write a textbook on me. A plain, unbiased textbook on me, so that when I have a certain thing I want to explain about myself, I can just hand them a textbook and not risk pulling strings.

(This is not the big post I was talking about earlier)

I want to find a way that I can present myself to other people without clouding their perception with pathos. Yes, I have very strong points. Yes, I have very weak points. Yes, I've had a good upbringing. Yes, I've had a rough life. Yes, I am human. I'm a screwed up, gifted, doomed, loved, hated individual who somehow survives by shear force of will and the grace of God.

I suppose my main problem is that I've looked back on a lot of my journal entries and I notice that I don't really have a lot joy or anything remotely peaceful that I talk about regularily. All you (as a reader) ever sees of me is what my problems are, as numerous as they tend to be. In truth, I have quite a bit to be thankful for, despite how I feel most of the time.

I'm thankful for music and the ability to comprehend it. I'm thankful for a God that shows Himself in my life as I come to new understandings. I'm thankful for art and the capacity to express what words often can't. I'm thankful for those that, at the very least, don't mind hanging out with me every once and a while. I'm thankful I have a place to live. I'm thankful that I have a mind that is capable of great complexity and thought. I'm thankful for the desire to grow as a person. I'm thankful for the rain and salmon. I'm thankful for a working computer. I'm thankful for a place where I can express my thoughts that I would normally keep silent. I'm thankful for a family that cares and welcomes me whenever I return home. And despite how often I don't enjoy my feelings, I'm thankful that I feel at all.

God gave me all this to be thankful for. It's the counter-balance to the dark parts of my life. It's what keeps this rickety ship afloat.

The other problem is that because there truly is a ton of good in my life, I hesistate to express any of the bad. When I'm asked how I'm doing, I have no choice but to respond, "Not too bad" or "I'm doing well" because there's too much good to say I'm doing horrible, but there's still too much bad to say I'm doing wonderfully. I'm somewhere in the uneasy middle. A grey that is devoid of description, but has more subtle shades and variations than either extreme.

On some level, I suppose I'm saying that my life is a dichotomy of light and dark. For some reason, both are very strong and it leaves me with few words to speak. All I can do is ramble about what I know is screwed up, enjoy what's going right, and feel angsty about the rest. And in the meantime, I have to live life.

I don't enjoy having a complex life, but I don't think I could ever be satisfied with a simple one. I value those who have simple lives, but it's not the path I've taken. I'm thankful for the gift of free-will and the assurance of God's destiny for me. I suppose I'm most thankful for not being satisfied with becoming stagnate. I thank God that I can grow beyond myself.

Deo gratias.

Current Mood: contemplative contemplative
Current Music: "'Norwegian Wood' for Harpsichord" -Kenneth Edward Keyn