Kenneth Edward Keyn (abadoss) wrote,
Kenneth Edward Keyn
abadoss

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Change

Did I ever mention how much a hate allergies? If not... I really hate allergies, especially now that spring seems to have come a little early and is making all the trees blossom... It looks nice, but my sinuses are not feeling the beauty.

On another note, I've been doing a lot of thinking, which often happens in a depressive, antisocial mindset. I've been thinking a great deal not only about what Stephanie wrote, but also about all of my life's issues. There's plenty in my life that is yet in progress. I make no claims to be perfect at anything because the flaws are too often exhibited. I want to change. I want to improve upon myself. I want to be a better person. I'm not yet satisfied with where I'm at in life. I am lacking so much.

I can't change the past. I can't go back and undo all the stupid decisions I've made that have led me to today. I can't change the circumstances of my life. I most certainly cannot change other people. All that's left is myself. I need to change.

But, how?

How on Earth do I change someone so stubborn as myself? How do I change someone who is so determined to hang on to control as myself? How do I change someone so afraid of the consequences of his actions that so few are ever performed? How do I change someone that cannot let go of himself for fear of loosing himself?

Of course, (while it may not be an authoritative source for everyone, it is for me) the Bible says that he that hangs onto himself, will loose himself, where as he that lets go of himself will gain himself. Out of context, it's pretty meaningless, but in context, I wonder if it applies to my life. Am I the kind of person that values my life above God? Sadly, yes. I have inherited that trait from society and not done enough to overcome it. Do I put my life above other people? No. So, where does that put God in my life?

Am I willing to give up my life to God (not just in the physical sense)? If God were to suddenly appear to me and say that I am to sell everything I have, break all former bonds and fellowships, and follow Him, would I? Would I be able to? Honestly, I have no clue. I want to say that I could, but I can't necessarily predict that I would at this point. But, what if God didn't suddenly appear to me, but still asked me to do the same thing? Would I? I suppose, when it comes to God, He'll find a way to make it happen despite my inclinations, but would I be willing? What if God told me to stay where I am? To wait? How am I to know?

Then comes my relationships with those around me. I've been a miserable failure with my friendships and I know that it's because I've overlooked some aspects of myself that I need to work on. I am eternally frustrated that I only find out things that I need to work on after I've already royally screwed up a friendship. I wish I could simply know what I need to work on. It would be so much easier than waiting for someone else to tell me. But, life doesn't seem to be that way. Of course, whatever I find I need to work on requires change.

There are so many areas of my life that I keep learning late that I need to change, but change itself is so difficult to initiate. Why can't I trade caution for confidence? Why can't I trade fear for strength? Why can't I trade doubt for faith? But, would it be a worthwhile trade?

How do I know?

I'm tired and exhausted and at work, so I'm going to end it here and just add this brief thought. I know that my life is not a dismal ruin. I also know that, while I feel like a horrible wreck, I've got a lot of good things going for me. I just wish my mind and heart would find some sort of common ground...
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