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Wed, Feb. 23rd, 2005 01:04 pm

Did I ever mention how much a hate allergies? If not... I really hate allergies, especially now that spring seems to have come a little early and is making all the trees blossom... It looks nice, but my sinuses are not feeling the beauty.

On another note, I've been doing a lot of thinking, which often happens in a depressive, antisocial mindset. I've been thinking a great deal not only about what Stephanie wrote, but also about all of my life's issues. There's plenty in my life that is yet in progress. I make no claims to be perfect at anything because the flaws are too often exhibited. I want to change. I want to improve upon myself. I want to be a better person. I'm not yet satisfied with where I'm at in life. I am lacking so much.

I can't change the past. I can't go back and undo all the stupid decisions I've made that have led me to today. I can't change the circumstances of my life. I most certainly cannot change other people. All that's left is myself. I need to change.

But, how?

How on Earth do I change someone so stubborn as myself? How do I change someone who is so determined to hang on to control as myself? How do I change someone so afraid of the consequences of his actions that so few are ever performed? How do I change someone that cannot let go of himself for fear of loosing himself?

Of course, (while it may not be an authoritative source for everyone, it is for me) the Bible says that he that hangs onto himself, will loose himself, where as he that lets go of himself will gain himself. Out of context, it's pretty meaningless, but in context, I wonder if it applies to my life. Am I the kind of person that values my life above God? Sadly, yes. I have inherited that trait from society and not done enough to overcome it. Do I put my life above other people? No. So, where does that put God in my life?

Am I willing to give up my life to God (not just in the physical sense)? If God were to suddenly appear to me and say that I am to sell everything I have, break all former bonds and fellowships, and follow Him, would I? Would I be able to? Honestly, I have no clue. I want to say that I could, but I can't necessarily predict that I would at this point. But, what if God didn't suddenly appear to me, but still asked me to do the same thing? Would I? I suppose, when it comes to God, He'll find a way to make it happen despite my inclinations, but would I be willing? What if God told me to stay where I am? To wait? How am I to know?

Then comes my relationships with those around me. I've been a miserable failure with my friendships and I know that it's because I've overlooked some aspects of myself that I need to work on. I am eternally frustrated that I only find out things that I need to work on after I've already royally screwed up a friendship. I wish I could simply know what I need to work on. It would be so much easier than waiting for someone else to tell me. But, life doesn't seem to be that way. Of course, whatever I find I need to work on requires change.

There are so many areas of my life that I keep learning late that I need to change, but change itself is so difficult to initiate. Why can't I trade caution for confidence? Why can't I trade fear for strength? Why can't I trade doubt for faith? But, would it be a worthwhile trade?

How do I know?

I'm tired and exhausted and at work, so I'm going to end it here and just add this brief thought. I know that my life is not a dismal ruin. I also know that, while I feel like a horrible wreck, I've got a lot of good things going for me. I just wish my mind and heart would find some sort of common ground...

Current Mood: melancholy melancholy
Current Music: "The Messiah - Overture" -George Fredrick Handel


Thu, Feb. 24th, 2005 04:28 am (UTC)

K - I think there are a few things that I need to clear up with you. I didn't give the letter to you in order to say "YOU AREN'T PERFECT" or to condemn you for the decisions that you had made. I simply gave the letter to you so that you could better understand why I pulled away and how in not admitting my uneasiness placed a rift in our friendship. There are things that we all must change, decisions that we all regret. In spite of those, however, we strive to become better or to learn from our mistakes. I didn't want to rub things in your face and if I did, I am extremely sorry. Being your friend, I simply wanted to let you know how some things affect people. None of us are perfect, so neither would we expect you to be. You are an incredible person and have a lot to share with others. I hope that you don't let this keep you down for too long. - Anie

Thu, Feb. 24th, 2005 09:59 am (UTC)

Just my opinion here, but it sounds to me like you just need to get good and drunk. And perhaps laid. It'll cure what ails ya, and it will deinitely precipitate change. Also, I find that changing my outside helps me to change my inside. Like, if I feel like things in my life need changing, I change the style of clothes I wear, get my hair cut, what have you. Then, I feel different so it only makes sense to act different. Like, if you admire a trait in someone, look closely at what they are wearing. Perhaps if you boorrowed a page out of their book, and wore something similar, you would feel like you were more similar to them and might imitate them in actions as well. ANyway, goood luck.


Sat, Feb. 26th, 2005 09:48 pm (UTC)

Hey Kenny. Just wanted you to know that sometimes when we look at ourselves, we forget to see us through God's eyes. Not that we ever could, or are supposed to, love ourselves as much as God does, but to know that we are loved is step one. I encourage you to read Galatians 5. The whole chapter talks about living in the Spirit, and how we have certain fruits of that Spirit that can help guide us. I'm praying. ~Lance