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Top Secret: File D35801-AEKQ124 - Abadoss' Mind — LiveJournal
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Wed, Dec. 8th, 2004 10:15 pm
Top Secret: File D35801-AEKQ124

This will stay on private until a certain time in which its contents are no longer potentially harmful.

I don't know how to express what it is that I'm feeling at the moment. Particularly since I came into this entry with the intention of expressing that which I'd held back on for consideration of my readers. I was hoping that I could easily spill out what it was that I wanted to say, but such is not done easily it seems. I suppose overall, I feel like I'm not fulfilling anything. I don't feel like I've accomplished anything significant in my life. I don't feel like my work has born fruit yet.

I feel like I'm in the middle of a desert that was once an oasis. The water has dried up and the trees have shriveled. There is no rest to be found. Everyday, I feel one step closer to loosing all my health. Each day, I feel more and more tired. Even the days in which I get enough sleep, I am still exhausted. I fear for my voice as these sicknesses keep taking my ability to sing away. I fear that my sicknesses may be causing others to become sick. I don't know if I can truly call it allergies any more. It's progressed farther than any allergies I've had in the past. I don't know how to remedy it.

My mind is continually under attack. Stress and worries and deadlines tax my ability to use my mind towards my goals, both in learning and exercising my skills. I know that I am daily growing in my capacity, but my mental strength seems waning. In addition, I'm trying so desperately to break free of this emotional barrier that I have imposed upon myself. I still fear the consequences of a full release, but the consequences of leaving it alone seem just as perilous. I am continuing counseling with the hope that I can gain enough momentum to slowly eat away at the wall and allow a slow release. However, because of the amount of time it takes, I have no idea if I'm making any progress what so ever. I can only guess as to how far I need to go.

Regarding my relationships, I have far too much and not enough to say. First, I've been getting very close with Stephanie over the last month or so and I'm a little concerned about the direction that it has been going. I know my own levels of comfort and I also know my subconscious. I also worry that I'm supporting something that should not be. Stephanie has already expressed that she has become emotionally attached to me. My problem is that I have not had a friendship that's ever been this close before and I enjoy having a person that I can hug or be close to without question, but at the same time I worry that I am being to close and taking advantage of her. I also worry, even though I'm debating whether or not to keep it, that I am violating my own commitment by having this close of a relationship with her.

And then there's my other friends. Honestly, I don't feel I have any other friends. Sure, they share classes with me and eat lunch with me often, I don't feel like they're my friends. David and Craig, particularly, are almost trying to avoid me now. Frankly, if they have a problem with me, I'd rather they tell me than play this stupid little game. I want them to be straight forward with me. Tiffany is doing her own thing. I just feel so alone, even though I have Stephanie. I think I mainly feel guilty about my friendship with her.

I'm tired of wasting so much energy on fruitless things. I've tried so hard for so many years to build meaningful relationships with people, but with no return. I've done as much as I can to include people and to be helpful and supportive, but I've gotten nothing. It disturbs me that I can be alone whenever I want to and no one would notice. No one would come seeking after me. Why won't anyone look for me? Will people even remember me years on down the road?

But what about the people that I would want as friends? Bridget? Mallorie? Brynn? Liisa?... the list goes on and on. These people that seem like the kind of people that I want to be around simply don't notice. I am invisible to anyone that I'm not talking directly to... even then it's questionable. With Brynn and Liisa, they at least humor me at times, but I'm an insignificant part of their lives. With possibly the exception of Stephanie, I am not a significant part of anyone's life.

And my family. I do love my family, but it's so hard to be around them. There's not a whole lot I can talk to my mom about, a lot it because I've been trying to be an independent person from her. Troy, there's also not a whole lot I can talk about. Plus, he now has Martina to think about. I feel bad not being able to think of things to be around my family for, but generally the only thing we end up doing is watching television or movies, both of which I can't do for very long anymore. I don't have time or the energy to sit through movies anymore. If it were in the theater, I might be more inclined to do so, but it's not so easy for me when it's just at home. I can barely stand to watch more than one on any given day.

However, it doesn't seem to affect my time on my computer. Since I have no social life, I spend far too much time on my computer and I have a hard time thinking of things to do when I get tired of it. More specifically, I spend too much time online. Everyday, I turn on my computer, check LiveJournal, SoundTempest forums (for updates on the Aura and Omen project), OverClocked ReMix (which has a different problem attached), my e-mail (all three of them), Homestar Runner, Real Life Comics (though I now get that on LJ), 8-bit Theater, Van Von Hunter, and then OK Cupid and maybe HotorNot.


My relationship with God seems to be tanking a bit. I don't pray very often at all. I don't pray at meals. I only pray when involved in a class prayer or something like that. I can't seem to worship anymore. I've lost touch with the certainty about His presence. I know it's there, but I have no idea how He is manifesting Himself. I have no clue what to think about the Bible and how I should interpret it. There's all this stuff that seems to be in the way. I am a Christian, but right now, I don't feel like it.

A lot of it is that I've become disenchanted with the church as a whole. I can't walk into one and think that I'm in a place where I can worship God. I walk in and I think about where they could use help or how this and this is causing this and such and how that doctrine is a bit harsh or doesn't look at everything... etc. etc. etc... I've become so concerned with seeking people at their own level that I have forgotten my own. I don't know where I'm at anymore.

What do I tell a stranger if they ask me what I believe in? What do I tell a fellow Christian when they ask me what church I go to? How am I supposed to respond? I'd have an easier time responding to the stranger than I would the Christian! Why is that? Do I say to the Christian that I think that the church is being a bunch of idiots for turning itself into an exclusive sub-culture? One that has no connection with non-Christians? One that spends so much time pleasing its own members that it ignores other people? What am I suppose to do?

However, who am I to judge the church? How do I know whether or not they're doing what God intended them to do? Who am I to think that my opinion matters more than those of millions upon millions of people over two millenia? Did I know Jesus when He was walking around in Judea? Did He tell me personally that this is the way the church should really run? No. I wasn't there in person. I didn't receive orders from Jesus as He was on this Earth concerning the church. I'm also not a prophet. I don't know if God has in mind that I will be, but at this point in time, I have not yet received a call to live a life of prophecy. I don't have the authority to judge the church, and honestly God is the only one that ever will have that authority.

Alrighty... I think I've done enough damage for tonight... I have to wake up tomorrow, so I'd better get some sleep.

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