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Brain Dump - Abadoss' Mind
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Tue, Nov. 2nd, 2004 02:52 pm
Brain Dump

I suppose I've neglected speaking of the situations that preside upon my mind at this and previous times throughout this last week or so. I'm having a little difficulty staying afloat (in regards to energy and emotional solidarity) and I've been somewhat wishy-washy in my day to day life. A lot of that is a desperate attempt at passing HUM 211, which now claims a large portion of my free time (otherwise downtime).

What used to be decompression time has turned into frantically doing homework time. I've successfully missed two weeks of chapel in effort to complete my work for the class. I managed to catch today's chapel, but in doing so, was forced to finish my worksheet in choir. This time of course might have been less afflicted had I finished the work yesterday. However, yesterday, I ended up sleeping all evening and night once I was finished with my classes. I need to find a way to recharge before I burn out.

Also on my mind is Fall Banquet. I have every intention of going and I actually just took money out to buy tickets, but I've yet to ask anyone (though I know who to ask) because I've been feeling pressured by my friends who are continually dropping hints. Frankly, I'm more likely to do something if I'm given space to decide to do it on my own. Pressure is a sure way to get me to not do something. Whatever... Since I don't have a lot of time left, I don't think I should extend my decision any longer, regardless of pressure. Meaning, I'll probably address the matter either today or tomorrow (with more likelihood on today).

As far as events that have occurred, I went on the Spiritual Life Retreat. We went up to Son Lodge near Welches. It was nice to be away from all the stress, while still being close to other people. It was mostly peaceful (aside from issues of allergies and wet socks) and I enjoyed myself there. In the process, I also picked up ping-pong balls (there was a table at the lodge, but all the balls were broken) which I can now use for the Sub if I ever want to.

On Sunday night (Halloween), I was coerced into dressing up and going to see a movie (Shaun of the Dead, which is pretty funny, but at the same time, somewhat disturbing) with Troy, Martina, Gina (Martina's friend), and Nick (Martina's ex-boyfriend). Now that Troy and Martina are going out, it was slightly awkward with Nick there. He's actually a very cool guy and we all (too bad I can't use nosotros here) got along really well. At the very least, he, like Troy and I, is a big Tolkein fan (I sent him a link to the Encyclopedia of Arda). By the end of the night, Martina had a fairly long talk with Nick about her and Troy and he seemed to approve of it (I wasn't there for the conversation, so I'm going by what she said).

That's another thing on my mind. It's only been fairly recently that Troy and Martina started going out. It's weird for me in the sense that Troy, somewhat like me, used to have a similar stance regarding dating. His was slightly different in that he would not even consider dating unless it would possibly lead to marriage (aka issue one). Also unlike me, his views of dating were not as rigid or concrete as mine is. He met Martina through auditions for the play (in which both are now cast). This would be back in September (aka issue two).

Issue one: Troy, who's never had a relationship before is considering marriage to the first girl he falls in love with. It's admirable, but I'm not as sure if it's sensible. Just to make this clear, if it leads to marriage and that's his (and her) choice, I will not stand in the way of it and I will support my brother (and sister-in-law) in it. However, I'm concerned that he probably should be looking at it from the stand point of pursuing the possibility of marriage (special thanks to Joshua Harris and Boy Meets Girl for that concept), rather than the certainty of it. Granted, I may not know his entire thought process about it, but from my perspective it seems a bit too certain.

Issue two: They met only this last September... only about two months ago. Despite the fact that they've been hanging out together a great deal over the last two months, that's not a whole lot of time to get to know someone, especially in regards to possible marriage. Once again, I can't presume to know his thoughts, so I'm not going arbitrarily say that this or that amount of time is the right amount of time to really get to know someone. Hell, I doubt I even really know myself and I've spent nineteen years with myself. I just don't know if this might be a little rushed. Right now, my only argument against this idea would be the hope that God has placed them together and they will seek Him in their relationship.

Issue three: Who am I to approve or disapprove of their relationship? I often feel that they are seeking my approval and, while I want to give it to them (since I don't really have a reason to disapprove), I have no basis for which to say I have the authority to give it. I want them to be happy together and to really have a God-filled relationship, but I don't want to impose my will on what God may have in store for them. I don't know the future, I just keep good track of patterns. On the same track, I also feel like I'm deflecting a responsibility as a brother to give or deny approval regarding such situations. It's not so much that I'm obligated to force my opinion, but more so because I was asked it... and I am compelled to answer honestly, but I have nothing concrete to say and I lack decisive and/or authoritative thought.

I like Martina. I have no problems with her. I would very much like to see Troy and her happy together. I'm no prophet and I'm no soothsayer, so I don't know what will happen. I suppose in reality, it this way with all things. At the very least, they have my support and there'll be no objections from me on the wedding day, if and when it comes. God, please bless them.

At the same time, this whole bit with Troy and Martina has set me up to continue looking at my own situation concerning dating. I have still yet to come to a decision, so I'm left wondering what could be. It was joked around that I'd probably end up getting married before Troy, but it seems that such jokes have been turned on their heads. Not that I'm particularly concerned about the jokes or beating my brother to the alter, it's just that the whole concept and reality of marriage has hit close to home (actually, quite literally). I can't excuse it as something of the distant future anymore. I'd be a fool to assume that I can escape thinking about it.

I don't feel ready, though. I'm still stuck deciding if I'm even going to pursue relationships other than friendship. I'm so sick of the questions in my mind. I just want conclusion or at least resolution to these thoughts. I want to know that I'm content with the direction I'm going and that I have solidarity in the positions I take. I'm so tired.

On a different note, I was surprised to receive a note in my mailbox the other day. The note was anonymous, but it honestly doesn't matter who wrote it, but rather that they did. The note (paraphrased) said that they care about me as a friend and that all my friends care about me, but, more importantly, that God cares about me. Needless to say, it caught me off guard and I wasn't entirely sure what to make of it. By nature, I'm curious who wrote it, but I realize that's not the point. Whatever the situation, I'm glad it was written. Chances are, the person who wrote it probably read this journal, so to whoever it is... thanks.

Current Mood: contemplative contemplative
Current Music: "YMCA" -The Village People (ugh...)