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Needed and Not Wanted - Abadoss' Mind
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Tue, Oct. 12th, 2004 10:12 pm
Needed and Not Wanted

My counselor asked that I journal on a particular topic that's come up for me quite often in my life. I'm not entirely sure if I've already talked about this specifically, but I'm just going to make a new entry about it anyway. I should mention that I do make a distinction between what I "know" and how I "feel". I also make a distinction between my family interaction and my social interaction. Gerenally speaking, this entry is pretty much all social. Those are the terms for this entry. The topic that she and I were talking about was an overwhelming feeling that I have in my interactions with people. Because of the things that I'm able to do and my desire to always do things the best I can, I always feel needed and I know that I am for a great number of things, but I rarely feel wanted and I don't know how valid that thinking is.

As far as I've known, I've always helped out with whatever I could. If there was something that needed to be done and I could do it, I'd volunteer. Even at an early age, I was doing whatever I could. I constantly found myself involved in as much as I possibly could. Around age eight is when I officially consider the beginning of my ten years in ministry. It was about that time that I joined the prayer team at my church (as the youngest member at the time) and pretty much considered myself a servant of the church. I did everything I could. I would run slides, help out with daycare, join the drama team, help with setting up certain functions, be on the prayer team, join the security team (also as the youngest member), etc. I was able to do what I was needed to do, so it wasn't that hard for people to rely on me. So, the sense of being needed has consistantly been there for me.

However, as I've spoken in other entries, my social life was fairly poor. The only people I could relate to were adults. The problem there is that adults had things of their own to do and, despite my maturity, I wasn't a peer to them. Because I didn't fit in my own peer group and I was too young to be an adult, I was left in the middle quite by myself. Over time, the rift only perpetuated itself. My peers didn't understand me, so they either avoided me or teased me. Neither action makes one feel very wanted. Plus, it made it much more difficult to build the social skills I needed to interact with them. So, while most have grown up, I'm mostly left with people who simply avoid me. I'm not fond of it and I struggle with it, but I can understand why it happens. When someone is different and hard to understand, it's often not very easy to want to have them around.

Once again, this is only how I feel, but I still don't know if it's accurate. I want to believe that it's not, but I have little evidence to prove it. Over time, I eventually get to a point where I'm at least comfortable around my friends, but I'm never certain about whether or not I'm just hanging around or if they really want me there. I just wish that I could simply perceive it of others, but God didn't give me superpowers, so I don't suppose I'll ever know unless they tell me. I can't ask because that puts pressure to speak the "right" answer and it may be insincere. So, I'm left waiting.

And here I wait.

Current Mood: discontent discontent
Current Music: "Salvation is Created" -Paul Tschesnokoff


Wed, Oct. 13th, 2004 05:39 am (UTC)

I can definitely empathize with you here. This has been a feeling that has stuck with me for many years. Oddly enough, it hasn't really seemed to affect my socialization too much, but I can really identify with wondering whether a particular group of friends really wants you there, or whether they put up with you.

Like you, it comes naturally for me to "do for others," but it's hard to see where that stops being a joy and just becomes doing because I want them to like me or need me so much that they'll include me. Does that make sense?

Obviously, since I struggle with this myself, I don't have much of a clue how to overcome it. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone!

Wed, Oct. 13th, 2004 08:43 pm (UTC)

If I'm sort of standoffish toward you, I'm sorry. I think you've pretty much hit it on the head as far as one person not understanding another... we, for instance, have some pretty polar ideas in areas that are super-important to the both of us, so we don't tend to really, you know, gravitate real naturally toward each other. It can be a bit awkward. Or is that out of left-field and completely wrong?

Kenneth Edward Keyn
Thu, Oct. 14th, 2004 08:44 am (UTC)

I think that there are times when that's true, but for the most part it's not as big a factor. For you and I, the problem is distance, transportation (at the very least, on my end), and time (aka busy schedules). If you happened to be living on campus and were "stand-offish", then it might be a little different.

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