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So... This Is It? - Abadoss' Mind
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Tue, Jun. 11th, 2002 10:25 pm
So... This Is It?

Well, first off, I'm going to say that I feel like crap and that I wish that I could go back a year and fix all the stupid things I did, felt, or expressed... I then want to say that I really need to do some serious contemplating about my tastes in women... I then need to say that I really really want to know what the hell made me such an idiot!!!

Now that you've got the tone of this post down, I suggest having something happy and cheerful on stand-by. I'm basically going to bash the hell out of myself and my decisions. Then I'm going to talk about ways that I can avoid making a fool out of myself again. After that, I'm going to talk about the complexities of re-wiring my mental processes so that I can end something that I should have never started. Needless to say, it's not going to be pretty. I have a lot of time and energy to write this, so it will be long. (damn nose-bleeds!)

Anyway, I'll start this off the right way... The last time I made an entry about Hannah, I was trying to figure out whether or not I loved her. Well... I'm not sure if it's a question that I'll ever be able to answer, anymore. So, you're wondering what happened, eh? I finally got the truth. What sucked even more is that fact that it's so truthful that I agree with it! Okay, here's how it happened...

This week, we have exhibitions. Everyone goes around to everyone else's presentations and enjoys, supports, and intimidates the crap out of each other. Anyway, this week I've noticed an incredibly high irritation in Hannah. It peeked off today, when, during Gina (last name removed for courtesy)'s presentation, I had sat down, got up to get my paper signed and Hannah had sat down in the spot next to my seat without knowing that I was sitting there. blackpenguin15 was about to sit down in my spot before Tamsyn (who was sitting behind) told him that I was sitting there. I offered the seat to him, but he decided not to sit. So, I kinda skittishly sat down next to Hannah. After a few seconds, she whispered into blackpenguin15's ear (I managed to overhear it anyway), asking him to accept my seat because she was uncomfortable sitting next to me. blackpenguin15 wasn't really wanting to, so he said no. In frustration, she moved to another spot in the back, instead.

Now, I'm not running everything off of that one instance because, although somewhat founded, it's not a really solid issue. Being the unrelenting seeker of truth that I am, I decided that I was so incredibly frustrated and needed resolution that I needed to call her this afternoon. Well... I did.

She answered the phone and I asked her for a moment of time to talk. I then asked her to be incredibly and completely honest. With that I asked her probably the most deadly of questions... "What are your feeling about me?"... I suppose I wasn't surprised by the answer. Basically, she said that she really does not like the fact that I think that there is any kind of relationship between us. She also said that she doesn't like the fact that I think that I can be a part of her life when she hasn't invited me into it. Essentially... rejection.

What makes things worse is that I know she is right and I agree with her. I had no right to assume that I could just be her "friend". I had no right what so ever. I thought about what she said for the next fifteen or twenty minute. Then I called her up again and simply said that I'm sorry.

So... how much of an idiot have I been? I've been so wrapped up in my feelings for her that I forgot reality. I suppose any other person would be on drugs, about ready to commit suicide, or ready to shoot up something or someone at this point, but for me, these aren't options. I know that I will be able to work through this and that it's for the best. It sucks a lot, but I know that my life has a purpose and that I just need to learn how to deal with this kind of stuff. The one thing that I really don't want to become, though, is cynical. I don't want to walk away thinking, "Damn, love sucks and shouldn't exist!" or something like that. I don't want to be an old man thinking, "I never fell in love and thank God!"

I just wish I could have made better decisions. I wish I could have gone back and simply kept my mouth shut and even tried to ignore Hannah. However, life doesn't work like that. I'm just going to have to take another scar and hope that it will heal. I haven't decided whether or not I regret being attracted to Hannah, but I know that I won't be able to do that for a long time. Hannah is the first girl that has ever known about my feelings for her as a crush. She's the only one that I've ever considered putting aside my commitment for. I suppose she helped me discover a lot about myself, but still...

I really cannot let this happen again like this. I can't let myself fall like this again. Love is not something to play around with or given blindly. I don't know how this will work, but I know it will. I need to watch my decisions. I need to pay close attention to my emotions. I need to balance myself. Reality is a difficult thing, but I need to work with it, not against it.

I don't know what's going on in mind. For some reason, I can't feel anything. I'm drawing a blank on my emotions and that scares me. I refuse to let myself return to apathy! I won't go back to it! I need to feel something! Bottling my emotions is what fucked me up the first time, I'm not going to let it happen again! I spent five fucking years in apathy... I will not resort to apathy... Regardless of the pain, I need to feel these emotions. I have to feel the emotions from this! I have to feel it! I can't move on without them... I can force my thoughts to move on, but unless I start feeling... my heart will be stuck. I can't afford that.

I just don't know. I hate being in positions of uncertainty. I don't like not having a feel for where things are going. I can handle it, but I don't like it. I'm too much of an idealist. I want something solid to hang on to, but I also want things that I have to let go for... Like love...

I don't know. Love is something that I long for and dream about so consistently, yet I make such a lousy effort that love eludes me. I refuse to budge from my standards and my dreams seem to pass me by. I want to be in love, but no one is willing to go through all the trouble it takes. Life would be so much simpler if I had grown up normal... I might suspect how simple it would be, but I wouldn't be going through this crap. I always have to options of simply saying "fuck it" to my standards, but those standards are a lot of what makes me. It scares me, thinking about loosing all that I value. I can't see myself without my morals. It doesn't work for me and it really scares the crap out of me. Ignorance is bliss... I simply know too much. I've had way too much experience. It's impossible to give back. I suppose the only way I'm ever really going to be able to live my life normally is to wait until my body is the same age as my mind. I just pray that it won't happen when I'm too old to do anything about it.

I want to say that I am a good person. I want to say that I make a difference in this world. I want to say that I can actually be capable of loving or being loved. However, I just don't know. I'm not other people... I'm stuck in this walking emotion-tank that's on a rampage and I can't figure out who I am. I don't know what others think of me. I don't know what kind of an impact I make on people's lives. I don't know what to expect any more. I just don't know anymore. I want a companion, but I seem so unable to change that I keep scaring people away.

What the hell am I supposed to be? What kind of a person do I have to be before people start taking me seriously?! I have emotions and I have desires... I have needs... And I want people to know me. I want people to know the innermosts of my thoughts... I want people to see what makes me tick. I want people to understand me. I want to be known... not for what I do or how I act, but for who I am! I have a soul... I want people to know that. I want people to care. I spend so much time hoping to know someone else, praying that they will invest enough time to learn about me. I'm tired of being in solitude... I'm tired of the secrecy and the false personas. I'm tired of being eccentric. I want to have a normal life... but, I don't want to lose everything, either.

I'm going to need to take a lot of time to work out my thoughts. I still have far to go. I know that there is more that will happen and I have to be prepared for that. However, I need time to mourn. Our society is so wrapped up in getting things done, that we forget that we need to do somethings right, not fast. I can learn to let go, but it will take time.

God help me.

Tags: , ,
Current Mood: apathetic apathetic
Current Music: "Solace" -Plumb


Tue, Jun. 11th, 2002 07:15 pm (UTC)
O Kenny, The Conflicted One...

Sometimes I think you worry too much. But I can't help but admire your "pursuits of truth" and the like. (My brain would explode after so much self-analyzation and figuring-out.)

My words o' wisdom to you... all people are weird. Very complex and bizarre. When you think you've got it all figured out, you and others will still come up out of nowhere and surprise you.

Most importantly, don't drive yourself crazy with all this regret. Remember, it's just a safety net to keep you from doing the same things in the future. (I spent a good chunk of my middle school years regretting, moping, etc., and missed out on some good stuff.) So, keep the analyzation to a minimum for a while. Let your poor brain rest! You're makin' me dizzy with all this thinking! :P

Kenneth Edward Keyn
Wed, Jun. 12th, 2002 06:03 pm (UTC)
Re: O Kenny, The Conflicted One...

The whole self-analyzing thing is pretty much my emotional safeguard... without the checks and balances I put into my psyche, I would flip. I would either go insane or become one of the worst people in the history of the world. I know it's kinda harsh on myself, but that kind of potential is inside of me. That's why I'm so addiment about maintaining my integrity.

It's a double-edged sword...

ReplyThread Parent
Kenneth Edward Keyn
Wed, Jun. 12th, 2002 06:05 pm (UTC)
Re: O Kenny, The Conflicted One...

Thanks for your support, though.

ReplyThread Parent
Super Klutz! aka Anne Hutch Hutch
Wed, Jun. 12th, 2002 02:20 pm (UTC)

I'm sorry Kenny...I didn't say anything because I knew you were somewhat crazy about her but I knew she was a spoiled B***h its just the way she comes off and she doesn't even deserve someone as great as you are...she doesn't know what she's missing in both a friendship and romantically...Don't beat yourself up because every person has their flaws and disasters...believe me I have been dissed sooo many times by guys and still am...example one 6th grade i really liked this guy wrote him a note and he showed it to all of his friends and i was made fun of for a long time....8th grade i once again liked this guy told him..he told me he was dating someone in 6th grade and then for awhile going to AC i forgot about him well Joann was going to bring him to spring fling because she and him were close so yeah I've been through some horrible stuff and believe me there is much more but I just don't want to mention it....
Sometimes horrible things happen but out of those experiences come good things eventually and you just have to keep going and take chances because if you don't take chances you'll never know and nothing will ever happen....
Anyway sorry about that whole thing and try to have a good summer...
P. S- Remember you are a wonderful person and I know this sounds corny but someday you'll meet someone so great and you will make that person the happiest person ever! :)

Kenneth Edward Keyn
Wed, Jun. 12th, 2002 05:57 pm (UTC)
Re: Ack!

Thanks. I appreciate your support. Thanks for trying to cheer me up, that means a lot to me.

In defense of Hannah, though, she was right. Regardless of what kind of a great relationship we could've had... She has just cause to feel the way she does. I may not like the fact that she doesn't like me, but I have to consider her point of view. She's not that bad of a person, or else I wouldn't have been that attracted to her. She has a lot of great qualities in her personality... You're probably not really wanting to hear this, are you? Nevermind.

Anyway, thanks.

ReplyThread Parent