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When in Doubt, Turn to Classic Literature - Abadoss' Mind
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Fri, Jul. 2nd, 2004 01:45 pm
When in Doubt, Turn to Classic Literature

I'm bothered. I'm getting really weary (more so than usual). My sleep schedule is shot to hell. My eating habits are abnormal (aka hot dogs and really crap food). I feel like a computer that has far too many programs all running at the same time.

I am as Atlas, with the World upon my shoulders. I am as Prometheus, eternally bound for his desire to do good. I am as Odyssius, lost and searching to return home.

Basically, I'm getting really tired of not being able to figure things out. I'm tired of the imbalance in my life, in so many areas. I'm tired of bearing so many burdens.

I just wish I could have some peace. I think Shakespeare said it best in Hamlet:

"O, that this too, too solid flesh would melt
Thaw and resolve itself into a dew!"

I seek resolution, but have found none yet. I seek solace and have found not but grief. I want peace and joy and love. I want the things that I've lacked for far too long. I don't want to worry about tomorrow. I don't want to have to concentrate on working at friendships. I want to be me, not this cracked and hardened shell I've become.

I'm damaged. I want to be repaired, but the price seems to be more than I can afford. A debt that I could never hope to repay.

I don't want to test how far my mind and body can go because I fear it could go a good deal farther and the pain of it would be too great. There is strength in me yet, but it is currently committed to keeping me functioning every day. I'm so tired of it.

I am like a broken clay jar that must be crushed and ground down to start anew. I just wish God would tell me when I've been ground up enough.

Current Mood: confused confused
Current Music: "Hallelujah" -Rufus Wainwright


Fri, Jul. 2nd, 2004 07:01 am (UTC)

Would that I had words to help you, but I don't. All I know is that, no matter what, one must go on through the hurt and trial before one sees the reward.

Fri, Jul. 2nd, 2004 05:47 pm (UTC)

I think the key to feeling better when you're worrying and over-thinking and doing laps around yourself, is this mindset.

"Is this a waste of my time?"

If you're troubled about something, that's normal. But if you spend several weeks at a time stressing out about it, it gets down to the point where there's no more progress you can really make, and you're just being destructive to yourself. Some things can't be changed right away. Some things take time. Some things are just going to suck, and you've got to plow through them anyway. The trick is to not get wrapped up in this bad stuff. Focus on the good. Your family's moved to a new place! That's exciting. You've got musical ideas, college on the backburner, church, movies, you name it. You don't want to miss out on good things by fretting over everything else, do you?

You can pull yourself out. I know you can do it!