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I'm Up - Abadoss' Mind
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Tue, Jun. 22nd, 2004 03:10 pm
I'm Up

Well, I'm earlier than usual. I woke up coughing, so I needed to go somewhere. I figured I'd come down to the computer lab and check up on my usual websites.

Yesterday was a bit rough and the day before was worse. Sunday was the last day we had to move out of the apartment in Beaverton and we still had a whole crap-load of stuff left over to put into stoarge and what not. So, we worked endlessly to get it in a moving van we managed to rent and take it to storage. Because the van only had two seats and my mom is the only one that can drive, so I ended up having to take all the stuff out of the van and into the storage unit. It was a pain, quite literally, and I was under the gun to finish before the storage place closed. I finished and we made it to the gate to leavem but we were not much more than a minute late, so we had to wait a half-hour before the manager came out and let us out.

Yesterday, I was really annoyed with myself because I hadn't done any of the assignments due for the classes I'm in. I really want to do well in these classes and it doesn't help when I don't do the work.

Also, the trash can right outside my mom's window caught on fire and the smoke alarms in her room didn't go off. At the time she was sound asleep because she and my brother had spent the rest of the night and morning finishing up what was left at the apartment. Luckily, a passing driver called the fire department, so the fire was put out.

Then, after math class (in which we had cheesecake, for which I was thankful for), I went over to Tiffany's apartment for a Germany tour picture party. I'm still not sure what to think about it. I enjoyed the trip, but at the same time, so much happened (much of which I have become very distressed about). The pictures managed to bring all of it back to the surface and I'm having to deal with it again. I stayed quiet, for the most part. Speaking when spoken to or to talk about a picture.

In particular on my mind, is something that Tiffany had said to me in a comment. That hasn't left my mind since she said it. It's been a very strong presence and I've been thinking a lot about it. Her comment really made me feel like a retard, not because it was mean or degrading (which it wasn't), but because I could see where I had screwed up. The comment itself isn't what hurt me, it was my failure to realize what I was doing when I did it.

I feel like a retard because I'm still so far behind when it comes to social settings. I'm underdeveloped. I'm so unsure of anything and when I am, I push people away. It's like I'm so close, but I never get anywhere. What's worse is that I can never blame anyone for my problems. The moment I try, I realize that it's pointless to blame anyone. I can always prove that they aren't responsible for it. On the other hand, I can't seem to find proof for myself.

Despite my scattered brain when it comes to memory, I remember a great deal. But unlike what I assume most people remember, most of my memories are of my failures. Failures that include the comeplely insignificant to the catastrophic. Each one burns like coals in mind, as alive today as if each had happened only yesterday. A constant reminder of what I don't want to be. Memories so vivid that I can only wish that the good memories could be so real.

I live with this daily and there are times that I wonder what life would have been like if I were someone else, but at the very least I have faith. I have faith that, in the future, there's hope and renewal, but it's the gap in between now and then that concerns me most. How do I get to that point? Letting go completely will lead to a downward spiral, where as not allowing change will destroy me from the inside out. I have to find some middle ground, which seems, at this point, impossible to do.

In addition to everything else, I still can't stop coughing and I'm beginning to get a little worried. Two possible theories are that there's something really wrong with my sinuses, so it is continually producing far too much mucus, or I have pnemonia. Neither are rather pleasant thoughts and I actually hope that I'm wrong and that it's something mundane and curable if I take such and such medication or something like that. I'm just annoyed with my health right now.

Well, I'm tired and I've been writing for a while, so I'm going to end it here.

Current Mood: depressed depressed
Current Music: "Rough Draft" -Kenneth Edward Keyn


Tue, Jun. 22nd, 2004 09:25 am (UTC)


If it's any consolation, I think most of us (me included) have very accurate and crystal-clear memories of all of our screw-ups. You're not alone in that!

I wish I had words of wisdom to share, but I really can't think of any. I'll tell you, though, that you are in my thoughts and prayers as you struggle through a difficult time.

Are you going to see someone about that cough?

Kenneth Edward Keyn
Tue, Jun. 22nd, 2004 11:08 am (UTC)

I have to see what my finances look like. I still owe money from my last doctor's visit over Spring Break. If there's no improvement soon, however, I will go regardless.

And thank you.

ReplyThread Parent
the bride stripped bare by her bachelors, even
Tue, Jun. 22nd, 2004 11:47 am (UTC)

Sounds like it could be severe allergies or perhaps a sinus infection. I have never experienced any allegies like some people have in the past, but for some reason this year my throat/sinuses are really hurting.

If you've had a cold or something sinus-related recently, it could've developed into a sinus infection that; if you've had for a short time sometimes can go away on its own, but if it persists some antibiotics clear up quite quickly too.

I have a few things to say of your other maladies, but I'm not sure if they'd offer any help. I think it seems like you generally have too high of expectations for yourself in those situations. You are who you are, and should know that people (if they're the kind of people you'd want to be with) will care for you as you are, forgive you for your faults, but also want to help you be a better person. I feel bad that you fixate on your failures, because I know (from experience, too) that remembering nothing but the failures is not going to stop you from repeating them or making new ones. If anything, you'll be reminding yourself of them so that you won't allow yourself to be comfortable taking risks. It's good that you have faith, because you seem so hung up on your lacking, that its important to have something bigger than you to be strong in the inbetween. I think you'll figure it out, these things just take lots of time.

ReplyThread Parent