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Into Thine Psyche, Poor Fool!!! - Abadoss' Mind
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Wed, Jun. 5th, 2002 09:20 pm
Into Thine Psyche, Poor Fool!!!

This might be another psychology-fest for me, so if you really aren't that interested, you may not want to read it all...

So, I know her birthday now. It's July 23. I don't know what it is about me that drives me to pursue her. I don't even know if she, at the very least, tolerates me. She did have me sign her yearbook, but she's basically having everyone sign it... much like me. I don't know. I left her an endearing message in her yearbook that was intended to be a fond "thank you" for the friendship.

I don't know what to do. I can't figure out what kind of a relationship do I really want with her. Do I feel that I just shouldn't have a relationship? Do I feel that I should spend the rest of my life with her? Or is it something less drastic? I want to be able to say I love her, but I don't know if what I feel is love. I want to believe it is, but love has always been something very honorable and incredibly highly placed and I don't know if my feelings rise up to my standards... I suppose in a very sad way, I find it amusing thinking that she's at home, simply not giving this one thought. I'm probably the most stressed out about this between the two of us.

I kinda wonder if it me. Could it be possible that I'm the one who's afraid? What if the situation were reversed? How would I react? Could I react? Damn, I want to say I love her. My moral code has been a solid entity in my life for over twelve years. Granted, it's become far less conservative than it used to be, but it still governs my life. I don't know how I would possibly be able to break from it. I grew up with this mentality, so what do I do about it?

I am afraid. I don't know how to go about this. I don't know what kinds of consequences I am inflicting on myself by saying I love Hannah. That scares me. I am terrified that the choices I make will bring consequences I'm not prepared to handle. I'm paralyzed to think that those consequences could even be brought upon her.

My greatest and domineering fear; hurting Hannah. The thought of my actions causing pain to Hannah is so overwhelming that I cannot describe the level of intensity. I am so afraid of that. Yet, "they" say that love is not without risk. I wouldn't care if what Hannah does hurts me. I would much rather take the pain, than allow her to suffer at my hands. I can't control what happens to her outside of our relationship, but I know that I cannot allow my choices to harm her. I would rather suffer this loneliness if it meant keeping her from pain. However, who's to say that this is the right thing to do? What makes me so special that I have the right to choose to deny something because of potential pain? Am I just being petty?

I wonder if I actually know how I would need to behave in that kind of a relationship. If Hannah and I were in love, would I know how to care and nurture our relationship correctly? I know it would have to be a mutual thing, but would I know how to do my part? Do I have that kind of ability? I think I do, but I'm not sure. I have no idea how to even start. I suppose the best place is asking myself, "Do I love Hannah?" Until I can answer this question, I cannot go any farther.

Could I love Hannah? I believe that the possibility is there. I try to be attune to her feelings and her wants, needs, desires, etc. I want to do what will help her and build her up. I think that I could love Hannah. It's just that love is also a decision. It's also an emotion, but it's so much more than both of them. I want to say I love her, but am I misplacing it by doing so? Is it worth it to be in love with her? Am I placing my love in a place where it will be discarded, abused, or destroyed? Is her love worth the price?

I don't know what it's like to be loved. I have my family and we love each other, but I've never had the intimacy and full emotion and closeness of real love. I don't know what to expect. I wouldn't be able to tell unless it came up and kissed me on the mouth. I simply don't know. But, I long for that closeness. I long for the chance to know someone so well that words aren't necessary and we could just sit in each other's arms for an eternity, taking in the feel and warmth of our bodies close together, our faces close together, our hands woven together... I long for the feeling of just knowing that no matter what happens, we can still come back to this place... and we know that our lives are intertwined. To be able to gaze forever into her eyes and know that she is looking back filled with the same overflowing love... union.

Would I love Hannah? If I knew that all of this was possible... yes. I would love Hannah. But, I know that I will never have the insurance of anything. There is nothing written saying "Kenny shall always know if things shalt work out right"... I will never have that guarantee. I know that even when I'm ready to get married, I won't be able to just know that whoever I propose to is going to accept or be faithful. All this uncertainty is so damn annoying! What kind of response would I get if I just walk up to Hannah and say "I love you!"? I guarantee that I would get a blank stare with a slightly ajar mouth for a few second or more until she realized that I had actually said that. What would come after is what I'm so worried about. There's so much saying that she would completely freak out. She could also try to get me to realize how much she really isn't interested. But, for all I know, she might even say she loved me back.

The dating scene... I'm not too sure how well this would work out. At this point, it's impossible to ask her out on a date. Not only is she not interested in dating right now, I still have my pesky commitment... one that I still haven't finished dealing with. Granted, for the first time in years, there's a solid termination condition, but it's so far fetched that I don't know how that helps. I need to know why I started it and why I keep it. When I first made this commitment, I was still infatuated with Kristy (last name removed for courtesy). I was convinced that I had been a complete idiot for having "fell in love" with her. I was so determined to make sure that I could control myself to such an extent that it would never happen again. Then came Crystal (last name removed for courtesy)... and Karen (last name removed for courtesy)... and now Hannah. I suppose I wanted a rational method for escaping the pain and frustration I felt over these women. I consistently struggle with the fact that by "falling in love" with these women, I'm giving away a part of myself to them that I can never fully take back and the only way to get rid of the tie is to sever it, which hurts like nothing else. The main thing that stuck out for me, though, was that I had the opportunity to make my life worth living in the future. I wanted to be able to offer something extraodinary to my future wife... something that showed her that I was willing to lay it all down for her, even before I knew her. The other thing I wanted out of it was to not have to pray to God over and over again, "Please let this be the one..." And now, I just can't let go. I made a commitment and loyalty is my greatest virtue. I cannot break it! I grew up with this, so I don't know any different. I don't know how to change. I've become set in my ways and... it scares me. Am I so immovable that I am willing to risk all for it? Is this loyalty so strong that I am willing to risk losing love? Am I losing the chance for true love?

Do I truly love Hannah?... I don't know.

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Current Mood: worried worried
Current Music: "Two Step" -Dave Matthew's Band


Super Klutz! aka Anne Hutch Hutch
Thu, Jun. 6th, 2002 04:33 pm (UTC)

I don't really think the question is you hurting hannah but she hurting you....well at least thats just from my perspective but hey i'm probably wrong like i usually am.
All i can say now is really really think are you really sure you love her or is it just a infatuation...
Good luck in anything...