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Getting Back to Topic - Abadoss' Mind
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Sat, Jun. 5th, 2004 01:44 pm
Getting Back to Topic

Okay, so I mentioned that on my Germany trip I was struggling with an issue. Basically, I was struggling to see if I could build stronger friendships and be a little open with expressing myself. What I found was that for a short amount of time, it was okay, but then people seemed to back away. By the end of the trip, I got really depressed because I was hoping that I could actually find a way to express myself and instead I found myself right back where I started... alone.

So, now that I'm back, I'm trying to think about what may have gone wrong. The theories rolling through my head are:

1. They didn't quite understand what I was doing;
2. They misinterpretted my intentions;
3. They had their own personal reasons;
4. Something I did pushed them away;
5. They didn't like what I was doing;
6. They don't like me; or
7. I'm making too much of it.

I'm just not sure what to think. For a little while, I actually felt safe. I felt like I actually open up, but now I feel like I wasted so much energy trying to get to that point, only to see it shot to pieces.

I feel like I'm back to having no close friends and no one to truly talk to. No one that understands where I'm coming from. No one I can feel safe around.

What aggrivates this feeling is that I seem to be the one who's almost always initiating any sort of social interaction. It's like I have to be the one who does anything or else I don't get any interaction. It's like the ultimate third-wheel syndrome... except it's with everyone.

Now, it could be very possible that all of this is in my head, but frankly, it's real enough to me that I have to address it. I feel so alone. And to those that say I should just get a girlfriend, I will not be happy with a girlfriend until I can be happy without one. Though that's not my only reason for not getting a girlfriend, it's a strong enough reason on its own.

Anyway, I'm just going to have to figure things out, but I'm definately on the depressed side and I'm pretty sure it's not jet-lag.

Current Mood: depressed depressed
Current Music: "Return to Innocence" -Enigma


Sat, Jun. 5th, 2004 08:14 pm (UTC)

I think that the thing you are doing wrong is that you don't seem to have a good time doing anything anyone else wants to do. You need to open up....expand your horizons a little bit. Really, it's just a matter of being mature enough to be immature sometimes. Trust me, loosen up a bit and people will come around. That's what has happened in my life. Anyways, just something to ponder.


Wed, Jun. 9th, 2004 05:30 am (UTC)
I hope this sheds some light


I think it's a combination of 2 and 4.

I appreciate our friendship. I appreciate that you put effort into deepening our friendship. These are things I have observed about you:

You desperately want meaningful relationships. In your desire for this you put a lot of thought into the process of developing these relationships. I know that you treasure your friends and you don't want to loose them. But I think that in fear of loosing your friends you latch on to them--smothering them. Sometimes the best thing for a friendship is space.It seems to me that you don't give your friends a lot of space.

You said that you feel you have to initiate any sort of social interaction. I affirm this. But maybe in doing this you are seen as the guy who always tagging along. Initiative is good. But sometimes waiting to be included/accepted/invited is better.

I felt bad about how you were treated in Germany. I realized that some people were avoiding you and excluding you. But to be honest Kenny, I was avoiding you more than anyone, and others were helping me avoid you--not because I asked them to, but because they noticed you were always following me, constantly sitting by me, and never leaving my side.

I was smothered Ken. You smothered me.

I needed to breath, and I could breath when I wasn't around you. This is what happened half way through our trip. I'm sorry that you were hurt. It makes me sad... but I hope you can see that I needed space from you... and I couldn't do that without hurting you. I tried subtle hints. I tried to be nice about it. I tried to not make you feel excluded. I know how sensitive you are, and it killed me to leave you in the dust sometimes. But for all the times I was doing anything without you, there were three times when you were right there with me. And frankly, when I'm constantly trying to avoid you, I'm not going to invite you to me.

Don't chase someone who's walking--you'll push them over.

i hope you realize that I'm telling you these things because I want to be your friend. I don't think anyone but a friend could tell you these things. I'm sorry if I hurt you... but I wanted you to know why.


Wed, Jun. 9th, 2004 08:57 pm (UTC)

It's interesting that we come up with the same complaints and feelings of discontent – and then eventually come to each other's journals and say, "I don't know what to say!". :D

How about a truce? ;)

Kenneth Edward Keyn
Thu, Jun. 10th, 2004 01:40 pm (UTC)

Sounds good to me.

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