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The Hannah Story... Summorized... - Abadoss' Mind
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Sat, Jun. 28th, 2003 12:32 am
The Hannah Story... Summorized...

This post is mostly for blackpenguin15 (mainly because I've locked the entry, so that he's the only one that can read it) because he asked me about a certain time that involved Hannah. I figured that he wouldn't want to wade through all the entries I had made about Hannah, so I compiled it into this entry. It's the short version, but it's still pretty long...

One thing that I will mention first is that I am responsible for my own actions and my own emotions. While Hannah didn't make things very easy for me, she is at no fault in this situation. I am the only one responsible for what happened.



Background...

Before I start, I'll need to break down some of the setup involved. I had not known Hannah prior to our junior year.

Also, prior to that time, I had a strict guideline in my life (that I personally chose to follow) in which I would not let myself "date", which in my world is the same as being romantically, emotionally, and/or intimately committed to or involved with another (a girl in my case).

During the Hannah incident, I slowly peeled away my "no-dating policy", but came to the realization that I was in no position to start or be in a relationship. The fact is, that I wouldn't have been able to support any relationship above friendship.

Also, I had spent a good five years prior trying to learn how to supress and control my emotions. All that it did was make it harder for me to be upfront about my emotions (ultimately trying to hide them) and to amplify my emotions. I had just barely abandoned my attempts to control my emotions close to the end of my freshmen year.

Another thing to note is that I am extremely loyal to what I believe in (it's my greatest strength and my greatest weakness), so I was always in a state of inter-dialogue concerning my values and my morals.

Now, this is where I'll break down the basic plot of what happened...



Some time around early November, 2001...

A series of circumstances (I'm not sure what happened anymore), I found myself in the Men's Choir. The choir, at this time, was preparing for the big performance at the Grotto on December fourth of that year. Hannah at that time was in choir. I had met Hannah previously, since we shared a lot of classes, but I never really noticed her until choir. She began to show very charismatic qualities once I ended up in there. I was facinated by her personality, and little thoughts of "she's really nice" and variations started to grow in my mind. As the weeks progressed and we were dealing with late night rehearsals, I became very fond of her.

Time moves on... it's just before Winter Break (that same year) when I learn that Steve Hebert has asked Hannah to the Winter Formal... for the first time (and certainly not the last), my heart seems to skip a beat. I felt only partially jealous (which, at the time, was almost foreign to me), so I dismissed the emotion and moved on.

Skipping ahead... in Chemistry (Steve and I shared this class) we were all making tie-dye shirts and such. I'm doing my own thing when I notice Steve's shirt that he's making... "Hannah" is written across it and he says the shirt is for his girlfriend... my heart skips another really big beat... I felt the strongest surge of emotion that I had ever and have ever felt in my life. I felt a combination of jealousy and pain rush through my body, but because I was who I was, I felt it was important to supress it and move on. I barely managed to regain my composure, though it was weak for the rest of the day. Steve actually asked me to help him with his other shirt (thankfully) and I helped him doing my best to restrain my emotions. Luckily, I held up...

Before Winter Break, or sometime after (it was after or a little before Winter Formal), I hear that Steve and Hannah have broken up. The thoughts in my head: "This might seem like an opportunity to most men, but it's not right for me to move in right after she's just broken up!" "Maybe I can relax now..." "I want to be her friend..."

During Winter Break, my family convinces me that I should go to Prom. Before, I thought that I wouldn't go to any Proms or dances because that would be a form of dating (stag has never been an option for me), but they talked me into it. So, who else would I have thought of to ask? Granted, I was a couple months early, but I like to plan ahead...

As soon as I had mustered the courage, I slipped a note in her purse, asking to have a moment of her time after choir (by this time, I was the TA for choir). I clumsily asked her to Prom in a very dyslexed up way, only to hear that she's going to Prom with Paul (last name removed for courtesy)... at that point, I didn't even know the guy. She was polite about it, but I was naturally disappointed. Surprisingly, I actually took it a lot better than I could have... it was the months leading up to the Prom in which I began to feel defeated about the Prom and decided not to go that year (there were other factors, like money, but this was the main one). I didn't want to go with anyone else and that's how it was for me.

Sometime later, I hear from glindafoz that she overheard Hannah saying that I creeped her out. Naturally, I was a little hurt by this. I prefer not to let things remain unresolved, so I once again asked for a moment of her time, in which I confronted her and asked if she said that. She denied it. Then she said she might have said it, but wouldn't have remembered. Then she told me that doesn't think that I creeped her out... Needless to say, I was confused. Anyway, she then tells me that she's had a hard day and she's just broken up with Paul.

I then go talk to Lisa (last name removed for courtesy), who says that Hannah is a really shallow person and that's she's not worth the emotion stress I'm putting on myself. My natural instinct was to defend Hannah, so I told myself, that while Lisa may have an outside perspective and my view may be clouded with emotion, neither of us know her well enough to judge her character.

March 20, 2002... I leave for Cheonon, South Korea with some of the choir students (Hannah was not on this trip)... during the ten day stay, I bought a necklace with a green polished stone (I was unable to identify what type of stone it was) with the intention of giving it to Hannah (as a gift of friendship, I told myself and wrote on the card that came with it). Once I came back, I did give her the necklace (in which she mentioned that I was brave in doing so).

During the same time period, though, I began talking with Rachelle (last name removed for courtesy). I had hoped that, as one of Hannah's friends (at least in appearance), she could give me some insight into Hannah's mind. The first time I talked to her about it, I had this almost undescribable feeling. Almost like I was selling my soul to the devil or something. The way it seem to me, to her, my concerns and my situation seemed like nothing out of the ordinary. She seemed very insensitive of the nature of my particular case. However, my intuition proved almost prophetic.

A little while later, I had to do a Spanish project for which I was a little behind on and I lacked a partner. Irony struct that day, because Hannah had been absent for it and she needed a partner too. So, Mrs. Eddy had her draw a name out of a hat (this is how she had divided the class into partners earlier), and she drew my name. I sat down across from her, prepared to suck up my emotions and just do the work. When I tried to explain what it was that we were doing, I got the worst railing I had ever received from anyone. She just slammed into me by going off on wild rampaging tangents on every little thing that I did articulate correctly. She finally bolted from the room and ran next door (this was while the Spanish class was still in the portable next to the drama room... the irony...). All I could do was laugh. I had never been so utterly slammed. The entire class, including Mrs. Eddy, actually felt sorry for me, but all I could do was laugh.

Later, I talked to Lisa and she told me that Hannah knew. The words she used were almost identical to what I had told Rachelle, so I went to her. She wouldn't talk to me in person, so later that night I called her. What happened was that Hannah had become suspicious about the necklace and its motives, so she started asking around. Rachelle didn't say anything until Hannah asked her (which is something to Rachelle's credit). All I could think about was the fact that my cover was blown wide open. Rachelle and I talked out our differences and we still managed to stay friends (which I always appreciate), but she had told Hannah.

In my mind, I felt that I owed it to Hannah to personally tell her the truth. I called her up and I talked to her about how I have had this crush on her since the middle of November and that I was sorry that I hadn't told her. She was surprised that I hadn't asked her out at that point, but referring back to my morals... I hadn't begun to start tearing apart my "no-dating policy" by this point.

After that point, I started to make a series of really stupid mistakes... in the name of "friendship" I tried to get closer to Hannah, or get Hannah to get closer to me. In reality, as I look back, I tried to play mindgames. Luckily, I was able to pull myself out of it, but in playing mindgames with her, I alienated her. As a countermeasure, I tried to regain her trust and honestly try to be a friend. However, I found out later that my attempts had failed.

By this point in time, my emotions were in turmoil. I was in pain and yet I felt happy whenever I saw Hannah. I had come to the point where I was the closest I have ever been to thinking that I loved someone at that point. I had asked myself, "Do I love Hannah?" and the thing that crossed my mind was, "I'm beginning to..." It was at this point that it all fell.

During exhibitions, our junior year, I went in to one of the presentations, not knowing that Hannah would be there as well. That week I'd noticed an incredibly high irritation in Hannah. It was Gina (last name removed for courtesy)'s presentation... I had sat down, got up to get my paper signed and Hannah had sat down in the spot next to my seat without knowing that I was sitting there. blackpenguin15 was about to sit down in my spot before Tamsyn (who was sitting behind) told him that I was sitting there. I offered the seat to him, but he decided not to sit. So, I kinda skittishly sat down next to Hannah. After a few seconds, she whispered into blackpenguin15's ear (I managed to overhear it anyway), asking him to accept my seat because she was uncomfortable sitting next to me. blackpenguin15 wasn't really wanting to, so he said no. In frustration, she moved to another spot in the back, instead.

I felt that the only way that I could know what was going on would be to call her. She answered the phone and I asked her for a moment of time to talk. I then asked her to be incredibly and completely honest. With that I asked her probably the most deadly of questions... "What are your feelings about me?"... I suppose I wasn't surprised by the answer. Basically, she said that she really does not like the fact that I think that there is any kind of relationship between us. She also said that she doesn't like the fact that I think that I can be a part of her life when she hasn't invited me into it.

At that point, I knew it was over. I knew that I would never be able to tell her the real truth and that I could never build any kind of friendship off of that. It died. I felt like I had been wrongfully accused. I wanted to tell her that I never had thought that there was a "relationship" between us, nor did I want that kind of thing and that I never considered myself a part of her life... I considered her a part of my life. But the truth was, it would not have mattered what I said. There was nowhere to go. There was nothing to save. There was no hope left. One of us hung up (I don't remember).

About an hour later, I had come to terms with the before mentioned realization, so I called her one last time... to apologize. I simply said, "I'm just calling to apologize and say that I'm sorry for everything..." Unfortunately, I was a little depressed, so I was mumbling, so I had to repeat myself. Either way, she practically threatened me by asking if she needed to talk to Mrs. Thompson. I accepted my situation and said, "That won't be necessary. I'm not going to be a problem for you anymore." I'm assuming I hung up first.

Forward on to senior year... at the beginning of the year, I had secretly hoped that Hannah had transferred to another school, so I would be able to allow myself to heal. Despite my hopes, she hadn't transferred. It was then that I decided that because she wanted nothing to do with me, I would respect her feelings and do everything possible to leave her alone. Now everytime I saw Hannah, it only brought grief and pain. She seemed to appear out of thin air everyday and every moment, just to torment me... but I doubt that she intended such.

Slowly my mentality of honoring her feelings broke down into what it really was... I didn't want to subject myself to any more pain. I wanted to simply be away from her because it was too painful to simply be in her presence. I didn't hate her, I just hated being around her.

However, there is one thing that really made things annoying for me... I agreed with the way she felt. I believed that she had every right to not want me in her life... That's what ate me up inside. Not that I'd been rejected or that I had emotions for her, but that I could agree with a reason to be away from her.

As senior year progressed, my pain grew steadily, but my tolerence of it did as well. I could handle the pain and I no longer trembled in pain from every glance I caught of her. But it still hurt. It wasn't until the end that the pain began to subside... I began looking at why I felt the way I did about Hannah in the first place, and stopped focusing on what I did wrong. I was able to work out a lot of what I felt, instead of supress the emotions like I had done so many times before. Ironically, it was during this time that I felt like Hannah was almost stalking me (not literally, but she seemed to always be in my sight).

Before graduation, I had come to the point where I needed to put some kind of resolution to my emotions. So, I had planned to wish her fairwell in a semi-speech that I was formulating in my head. During graduation, however, I was surprised by the fact that Hannah came to me instead of me finding her. She then gave me a hug. While I was hugging her, it dawned on me. From that moment on, every emotion I had spent, every tear and cry I had made, all of it, was now pointless. I would probably never see Hannah again, and all that emotion I had wasted in the imaginary version of Hannah that I had built up in my mind, was now no longer necessary.

And I wished her "Good luck"... the last two words I ever said to her. And that was it. She'll always be a topic of thought in my mind from now on, but I'm no longer in pain. I've been put out of my misery. Time to move on...

Tags: , , , ,
Current Mood: complacent complacent
Current Music: "Hannah's Theme" -Kenneth Edward Keyn

4CommentReplyShare

joyfulgal
joyfulgal
Mrs. Dan Ambrose
Wed, Jul. 2nd, 2003 10:01 am (UTC)

honey, i'm sorry, i think you meant to lock this entry... but i can see it... just thought you should know.

-katherine


ReplyThread
abadoss
abadoss
Kenneth Edward Keyn
Wed, Jul. 2nd, 2003 09:21 pm (UTC)

Actually, I already locked it, but then unlocked it once I had felt that enough time had past so that it wouldn't clutter up other people's friends' page... this issue is pretty much resolved for me, so I don't really worry too much about anyone reading it.

Also, I've been trying to make it a goal of mine to be candid about how I feel in this journal. I've spent far too much time trapped in my own mind and I'm tired of holding secrets...


ReplyThread Parent
joyfulgal
joyfulgal
Mrs. Dan Ambrose
Thu, Jul. 3rd, 2003 12:34 pm (UTC)
Re:

i see. well, i'm glad it isn't an issue for you, and i respect how you've handled it.

being honest is good, you've got my support! :-)


ReplyThread Parent
abadoss
abadoss
Kenneth Edward Keyn
Thu, Jul. 3rd, 2003 01:38 pm (UTC)

Thanks. :)


ReplyThread Parent