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The Fallen Pillar - Abadoss' Mind
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Wed, Jul. 30th, 2008 09:41 am
The Fallen Pillar

There are certain people in my life that I sort of just assumed would always be there. People like my mom or my brother. Granted, I'm well aware of the fact that mortality is something that we cannot escape, save intervention from God. It's just that the mind constructs around these people as though they are pillars of an unshakeable foundation rooted in the core of the Earth itself. It is no wonder then that the loss of one of these pillars is so unbelievable that the mind simply does not comprehend it's absense. To think that someone so essential to the framing of the mind can die defies the structure of it all. The mind protects its structures and reinforces them at every step. That is, until the step falls out from under it.

I say all this because I have had one of my pillars die this morning. My uncle Frank, or "Corky" as we always called him, passed away from the leukemia he's been battling for the last couple years or so. To say I didn't see this coming would be foolish and immature, but, at the same time, he's been one of those constants in my life. I just never really considered his mortality as part of my reality. Now that he's gone, I'm more shocked than anything. I'm very sad, but I don't think I've fully comprehended it yet. I think there's a whole lot more I'm going to have to deal with later.

This is not the first time someone close to me has died. At any given moment, I could name off a dozen people while still forgetting to mention several more. One of my first - of many - thoughts this morning was a concern that I was getting too accustomed to death. I think I am prone to stuff away my emotions or shove them in directions - such as art - that may bottleneck later, instead of letting them take their course or deal with them directly. Most of the time, I think I do it because it's inconvenient to take the appropriate time to deal with the grief and other emotions. The truth is death is always inconvenient. There are good things about death - such as relief from suffering - that make death's timing a little easier to bare, but there are always unfinished projects, unfinished conversations and laughs, and unfinished dreams. There is always something that needs to be done instead of grieving. There's always work and jobs and there will always be the art of keeping up appearences. And yes, these are things which can't simply be shoved aside. It's far easier to put away the emotions for a better time - which never does come, by the way. It should be no surprise, then, that I was at first very tempted to shut away my feelings and try to live out the rest of the day until I could figure out what I thought about the whole thing.

I would like to keep from bottling up my emotions over my uncle's death. I wish I could take a few days off work - although I probably could with this excuse - to really meditate on it, but I know that I will just have to go back again eventually. Seeing as how I'm working graveyard currently, I can probably get away with my meditation there. Not that the setting is particularly appealing, but it's what I've got at the moment. At the same time, I'm not entirely sure I know what it means to deal with it. I don't think anyone can really answer that one, though. I'm sure there are many books out there by very smart and intelligent psychologists and philosophers on the matter, but I think it comes down to each person differently. I've got to find out what it means for myself. I just know that bottling it up won't cut it.

In the meantime, I - like the good musician I am - have started by turning to music. I'm currently listening to Gabriel Fauré's Requiem, which has greatly helped me in the past. Music scholars often refer to it as the "Lullaby Requiem" because of the calm and lyrical feel it has. I prefer it to all the other major requiems written for almost his exact reason. It seems a more mature approach at dealing with death than the usually violent or grandiose settings of Verdi or Mozart or even Britten. They're all wonderfull pieces of music, but Fauré's seems the most... healthy, for lack of a better word.

Anyway, for those of you who find prayer an appropriate response, please be praying for my uncle's family - especially his wife, children, and his children's families - and my mom and my other uncle - who are probably taking this particularly hard. Thanks.

Tags: , , ,
Current Mood: sad sad
Current Music: "Requiem - Offertoire" -Gabriel Fauré

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gentledarkness
gentledarkness
No
Wed, Jul. 30th, 2008 06:03 pm (UTC)

You're all in my prayers. I am so sorry.


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samhobbits
samhobbits
This is where Maria talks about life
Sat, Aug. 2nd, 2008 05:37 am (UTC)

*hug*
Let me know if there is anything I can do. Whether it is listening or just ignoring the whole sucky death/grieving thing.

I wrote, and discovered Stargate. So if you start watching a new show, make sure it is worth watching or you might become fanatic about a crappy show. I was very fortunate in my choice. :-)


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(Anonymous)
Sun, Aug. 17th, 2008 03:41 pm (UTC)
........

Your blog is interesting!

Keep up the good work!


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