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Some Thoughts... - Abadoss' Mind
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Tue, Apr. 8th, 2008 02:52 pm
Some Thoughts...

Are the things that I am sacrificing worth the purpose for which they sacrificed? More importantly, is my purpose worth what I am sacrificing? These are questions that imply meaning deeper than the words with which they are expressed. I do not know my purpose. I do not know that which calls me from a deep longing – or some other emotion which has no name – and I do not know where it expects me to go. I have made my plans and I know the course that I would desire to go, but I do not yet know my purpose. I expect my purpose will reveal itself once it has been accomplished or death take me… or perhaps both. I do not know my purpose, but I know what I have sacrificed and what I still sacrifice.

I have sacrificed love. While it is within me to question whether or not I mean all forms of love – i.e. “love your neighbor” – I believe I am specifically talking about the love between man and woman. For seven years, I deliberately sacrificed love under my Commitment because I feared I would taint it for the one true love I knew I would find. I did not realize that, even after releasing myself from the commitment, I would still shape myself in a way that sacrificed love. And yet, I have not found her. The one true love has eluded me so far and I have to consider whether or not it is because I have sacrificed her. Perhaps I have sacrificed her in the name of finding her.

I have sacrificed friendship. This hurts me a great deal to admit, but I cannot deny that I have hurt those around me by my sacrifices. I aspire to a noble purpose that I cannot define and lose sight of my friends and their needs. I am not sure I know how to explain this one further, but I feel it. I am detached from them.

I have sacrificed family. In my pursuit of this purpose, I have ignored my family. I have lived up to the title of “Lost Child” – as is the role of the youngest child in a dysfunctional family model. I have gone out on my own, saying, “No, thank you. I can do it,” to my family time and time again. It is a true wonder that my brother continues to stick with me.

I have sacrificed God. I have questioned and questioned and come up with only more questions. I have become wary of anything that claims to be answers. Even names that we have attributed to our Creator – a name in its own right – are not without question in my heart. In all this tumult, I have found much truth and experience, but I have lost some of my relationship with the Divine. To say I have lost it all would be a bit drastic, but I spent more time with the questions than I do in my relationship. I have been living in liminality, expecting to find communitas with God – for lack of a better name.

All these and more have I sacrificed… all for this nameless purpose which has not revealed itself to me. What bothers me more is that I, since I do not know my purpose, I have no way of being assured that my purpose exists. The possibility that my purpose exists only because I say it does is too big a possibility to ignore. It is to say that I have purpose because I believe I have purpose, instead of believing I have purpose because I do, in fact, have purpose. Then I must question whether or not the sense of purpose is more important than the purpose itself. Is it more important that I believe I have purpose than the reality of purpose itself? Is my purpose to remind myself that I am human? Terry Pratchett claims that humans must remind each other that we are humans. We are not human until we remind each other we are. Who will remind me? Myself? Am I qualified?

There seems to be a common trend in the things in which I have sacrificed – or, at least, the things in which I recognize that I have sacrificed. The commonality is people. Human beings are what I have sacrificed. Love, friendship, family, God… these are things which are dependent on relationship. I’m not going to suggest that God is human – Jesus was, not God, and it’s a conversation for later – but the idea of human relationship is there. I have placed my focus upwards and been blinded to that around me. I have sacrificed humanity. How can I be human without humanity? I am, for the sake of argument, alien. That which is not human is alien. Does that mean I came from Mars and landed on Earth in a spaceship? No. It simply means that I am a creature called “human”, but I lack humanity. I need to be reminded of my humanity. As I have said on many occasions, we often need to be reminded the most about that which we know best. I am human, but I need to be reminded of it.

Perhaps a Zen approach is necessary. The philosophy of Zen simply states that the purposes of various things are simply to be what they are. What is the purpose of a tree? To be a tree. What is the purpose of a fish? To be a fish. What my purpose? Perhaps it is simply to be myself. Or perhaps not. The point is that I don’t know. I simply have to keep exploring the possibilities.

Lest we be sucked into a rant about possibilities and the ultimate anguish of freedom – a la Sartre – I think I’m going to wrap up for now. Simply put, I have a lot on my mind. I question where I am in life and what it is that I have chosen to do with it and all sorts of things like that. I am tired and exhausted from all the questions, but I refuse to stop asking them. It is too easy to make assumptions about things. It is too easy to simply live my life like a drone. I cannot be satisfied by fading into the background – thank you Roger S. Jones. I am not content with a prefabricated and bricolage universe – thank you Lev Vygotsky and Claude Lévi-Strauss. I cannot deny a sense of purpose in my life, but I am so frustrated that I do not know if I am doing that which would fulfill it. In a nutshell, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

These are just thoughts.

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Current Mood: frustrated frustrated
Current Music: "..." -...

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samhobbits
samhobbits
This is where Maria talks about life
Wed, Apr. 9th, 2008 12:02 am (UTC)

I'm not sure if the best response for me to give should be practical, emotional, spiritual, philosophical, or a combination, or just a comment to let you know I'm listening. Silence in a verbal conversation can be comforting, but silence via blogging seems like no one's there.
I totally understand not knowing what in the hell you're doing. I feel the same way. My reactions about school specifically range from "maybe I'm not actually meant to be a scholar and my entire understanding of God's will is wrong" to "maybe I should have stuck it out at Fuller" to "I just need to find the right school." My understanding of God's will for a particular time of my life is constantly growing. That is both frustrating and comforting. Ah paradox. It rules my life.
We definitely need to set up a time to hang out soon. I'd love to see you. What is your general work schedule?


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abadoss
abadoss
Kenneth Edward Keyn
Wed, Apr. 9th, 2008 04:34 am (UTC)

I generally work from 9-5pm on Thursday and Friday and 2-10pm on Saturday and Sunday. I have the added situation of trying to find an apartment, but, yeah, I think we should hang out soon.


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