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Beauty... (Clutching at My Head and Heart) - Abadoss' Mind
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Tue, Jul. 3rd, 2007 11:37 am
Beauty... (Clutching at My Head and Heart)

I'm usually reluctant to discuss beauty, due to the amount of people I tend to make uncomfortable (or outright insult). Being a man, who mostly has women friends (especially on LJ), it can be a sensitive subject. A few years back, I created a very detailed summary of what I consider beautiful in a woman (specifically, a woman that I would be interested in pursuing a relationship with). I had to include about three sets of disclaimers. On a side note; to some degree, the entry is still rather accurate.

I suppose I might explain why I'm bringing this up again. Clearly, I've been spending some time thinking about this (not purposefully). It was 2003 when I wrote that entry. I am now twenty-two, almost a college graduate, and still struggling with so many of the same issues. Between then and now, the most significant change has been that I've released myself from my commitment not to date. Should I choose to, I could act on my desires if I so wanted to. In some ways, this has been a freeing aspect, but it now produces a new issue: I have to be extremely careful in the manner in which I pursue my intentions.

At the same time, such caution tends to be the downfall of my pursuits. By being cautious, I'm not able to get anywhere. By being reckless, I doom myself to a destructive outcome. Classic Catch-22. Yet, this is not my main concern.

I was reminded, yesterday, of my age. Being twenty-two is horribly scary. This summer alone saw a significant portion of my friends getting married. When I see an attractive girl, I can no longer only question whether they have a boyfriend, but also if they have a husband and/or children. At the same time, I realize that, should I find that girl, I could be married myself. I probably wouldn't have had children yet, though. I could be living in a house with a white picket fence, washing my brand new ca... anyway...

Then, of course, there's my damn goals. One of my major reservations is that my goals take me outside of this state and, eventually, this country for a time. I'm not willing to drag someone along, sacrificing their dreams and goals in order to fulfill mine. And I'm also not willing to start a relationship that I know will have to end. And I'm not willing to give up my goals. Essentially, I'm forced to defer my intentions of finding my wife until many years from now. If ever I prayed for patience, I'm regretting it now.

Intellectually, this is all fine and dandy, but, when I start adding in the emotional element (which I've long since learned that I can't ignore), things get really... just plain stupid, honestly. My emotions (all the more intense due to years of supression) don't take too kindly to the idea of deferment. I spent eight hours last night wrestling with my emotions over this.

My reminder was that I was training a new co-worker for my site. She was absolutely gorgous. A few red flags in other areas, but I'm not going to get into that. Anyway, I spent the eight hours trying despirately to maintain a professional mindset and, above all, NOT THINK ABOUT HOW BEAUTIFUL SHE WAS. Naturally, anytime one tries to NOT think about something, it's the one thing that is automatically thought about. On my way home, one of the thoughts that kept coming back was that if I had a girlfriend/wife already, I wouldn't have to notice these things (e.g. "if you lived here, you'd be home by now"). Another thought was that if this beautiful girl became my girlfriend, what then? Where would it go? I'm not intending to stay in Portland for very long and I don't think she'd come with me, as she has her own goals and plans (Navy). Oh, and, yes, she is single.

My emotions are impatient and keep track of the days and hours. They have their own ideas of where I should be at my age. They have their own ideas about what my goals should be. Most of them include a white picket fence (I don't even like white picket fences). My mind and my emotions fight to cram in their seperate (and often conflicting) goals and ideas. When it doesn't get its way, my mind gives me headaches and my emotions, heartaches. Either way, I'm in a lot of pain, clutching at my head and heart at the same time. It'd probably be amusing to watch from the outside, but it sucks from the inside. Lofty aspirations and passionate desires do not mix so well.

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Current Mood: discontent discontent
Current Music: "Eidolon" -Kenneth Edward Keyn

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