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Free Parking? I Think Not... - Abadoss' Mind
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Wed, Nov. 8th, 2006 02:43 am
Free Parking? I Think Not...

As a disclaimer, please understand that the following frustrations are specifically related to those who are within a reasonable distance from me (especially those here at Warner). I also acknowledge that there are those who may, in fact, try (for which I am absolutely grateful). This is mostly a statement of generality based on my observations of those that I try to call my friends. I also realize that, in my frustration, I will be prone to describe things a lot more vividly than they might actually be. That said...


I'm really frustrated with the lack of investment in me by other people. I try to invest so much in my friends and I'm very sad that, when it comes to a time in my life where I need the most support, my so-called friends seem to disappear. I hate that I have to ask for things (such as emotional support) that I need from them, only to have my requests ignored. For how actively I'm involved in everything, I feel like I'm one of the most ignored people on campus. I doubt even half the campus would know I existed if I didn't keep showing up to things.

Why is it that all I invest shows no return?! I've nearly tried every approach I can imagine at this point. I've tried actively pursuing friendships, waiting for people to pursue friendships with me, a little of both, attempting not to care, etc. NONE OF IT FUCKING WORKS!!! When I wait for people to pursue, no one ever does. When I pursue friendships, I get a half-hearted smile before they return to whatever it was they were doing. When I try not to care, I am bombarded by the fact that I do care. Yet, here I am.

Here's a physical example of what I'm talking about. I can show up early to something, like chapel or something else, and take a seat and EXPECT that all the seats will fill up except the ones directly around me. It's not because they consciously choose to sit away from me, but because they naturally seem to avoid getting near to me. It's like their brains don't want to accept the fact that I exist, so they just migrate somewhere else. It's only until there are no spots left that I might get someone to sit next to me. And, if so, it's usually only one side. It feels as though people think I have a gigantic personal bubble (equivocal to the size of a small planet). And, no, it's not a question of hygiene. When did I tell them that I preferred to be left alone?!

I'll freely admit that a lot of my feelings might be the result of coming off of Lexapro, but they aren't feelings that were absent while I was on it.

I'm just so tired of being denied something that I so desperately need (especially right now). Why is it that it would take nothing short of a bleeding head-wound to, at the very least, get their attention?! Why is it that I could spend my entire fortune (metaphorically speaking) and still need about $100 more?! I'm tired of being ignored. I'm tired of asking for things that I never will get. I'm tired of being tired. I'm just tired at this point. I'm getting really tired of trying.

I am empty, for crying out loud! I need help! Can't they see that? Am I so good an actor that they would never have guessed? I simply can't handle it like this anymore, but I have no idea how to change it.

I'm also frustrated with the fact that I can't specifically blame any given individual. They've got their own friends and their own lives that they deal with. They're busy. Why should I expect them to drop everything and attend to me? Who am I to say that they should divert their attention on to me? How much of a jerk would I be? It's as though their personal relationships were like a parking lot. If all the spots are full, where am I supposed to park? Yet, who am I to assume that someone should be pushed out of a spot just because I want to park? Don't they have as much right to park as I would? My "friends", here at Warner, are full parking lots (relationship-wise) and I'm stuck wandering the streets, wasting awful amounts of fuel, trying to find somewhere to park. I'm upset that no one will let me park, but I'm also upset for allowing myself to think that I have more right than anyone else to park. I hold no reserved parking spots (as far as I know), so I'm pretty much royally screwed.

I'm just tired of all this...

Tags: , ,
Current Mood: frustrated frustrated
Current Music: "Brinstar Bonzai Garden" -Red Tailed Fox

21CommentReplyShare

krikketgirl
krikketgirl
Kat
Wed, Nov. 8th, 2006 12:04 pm (UTC)

I'm so sorry. I know what you're talking about. To tell the truth (not that it's a comfort), it's probably not you as much as it is them...people are very busy with their own concerns, and few seem to look outside of where they are and try to look into someone else.

I wish I could help.


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abadoss
abadoss
Kenneth Edward Keyn
Thu, Nov. 9th, 2006 09:24 am (UTC)

Yeah, I know you would. That's one of the things that I really appreciate about you. It's too bad there's half a continent in between us. :/


ReplyThread Parent
krikketgirl
krikketgirl
Kat
Thu, Nov. 9th, 2006 12:21 pm (UTC)

Sometimes long distance is a very real burden.


ReplyThread Parent
abadoss
abadoss
Kenneth Edward Keyn
Sat, Nov. 11th, 2006 08:07 am (UTC)

Very true.


ReplyThread Parent
fogwood214
fogwood214
Wed, Nov. 8th, 2006 02:49 pm (UTC)

Well, here's a reaching out to you...

If you have some time before your plays Sat/ Sun, Sarah and I would love to meet you at a coffeeshop or somesuch. We sadly won't be able to attend the play, but hopefully it'll work to meet up! Will it work to give you a call once I'm up there? We're not entirely sure how the schedule is going to go...


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abadoss
abadoss
Kenneth Edward Keyn
Thu, Nov. 9th, 2006 09:35 am (UTC)

Sunday morning-ish would probably work the best. As long as I'm back for call at 1 PM, I'm pretty much fine with anything. I'm not entirely certain what you had in mind for the day, so whenever you'd be ready, on Sunday, just give me a call - (503) 517-1647. I'll try not to wander off, unless I have to make it for call time. I can still do Saturday, but it would need to be worked around another rehearsal. I got a little double booked with my choir's rehearsal for Handel's Messiah, which goes from 1:00 PM to 3:30 PM. Otherwise, I'm open for any time before 1 PM and in between 3:30 PM and 6:00 PM.

(scheduling is one of the most frustrating things some times... :P )


ReplyThread Parent
fogwood214
fogwood214
Sat, Nov. 11th, 2006 04:32 am (UTC)

Gah. Schedules. After going over it with Sarah more, it looks like we've already got a very full plate. I didn't realize there was so much planned. :-/ I am sorry! I do hope your rehearsals and plays go well, and I hope you'll post about them so I can read about it when I get back! :-)


ReplyThread Parent
abadoss
abadoss
Kenneth Edward Keyn
Sat, Nov. 11th, 2006 08:05 am (UTC)

That's sad to hear, but I completely understand schedule conflicts. No worries, but that does mean that the next time your up here (assuming I still am)...


ReplyThread Parent
fedupgirl
Fedupgirl
Wed, Nov. 8th, 2006 05:54 pm (UTC)

Ok, this may not be the nicest thing to say, but since you are asking . . .

Perhaps you come off as desperate. Maybe you should neither expect people to come to you (and be seen as a grumpy loner who doesn't like people) or actively pursue people's friendship (and be seen as clingy and obnoxious.) There is a happy middle ground that involves you being ok with them doing their own thing and yet being delighted hen they want to spend time wiith them. Saying things like, "Hey wouldn't it be cool if we hung out sometime?" And then leaving it at that.

Another thing that might possibly put some people off is your lack of life experience. Now I am not advocating that you should go and be stupid about it, but you should try going to a bar and getting a drink with someone. Relax and chat, and if you don't feel comfortable, get a root beer. Go dancing. Find out about the parties and GO TO THEM, even if you won't have a good time. Even if you think people won't want you there, just freaking go. On a certain level you are doing your PR when you do that, people need to see you already having a good time before they will want to hang out with you.


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abadoss
abadoss
Kenneth Edward Keyn
Thu, Nov. 9th, 2006 09:43 am (UTC)

I would most likely have to go about in my own way, but, still, I appreciate the advice.

My hope is that I can attain that kind of balance with my friends. However, it's impossible to balance something if there's nothing to balance. I'm working in a vaccuum, for the most part.

I hope you know that I get what you're saying and that it's certainly not worthless or falling on deaf ears. I'm just more prone to assimilating advice, rather than adopting it. Thank you.


ReplyThread Parent
chickenkisses
Lauren
Thu, Nov. 9th, 2006 08:27 am (UTC)

Hi. I can relate to how you feel, and I'm sorry. I know it hurts like hell. I would sit next to you in chapel... and I don't even know you. I found your journal a week or so ago and have read a little bit, so I finally decided to let you know. It sounded like you needed a little support :).

I also have to mention that I don't agree with the comments about going to parties or to bars simply to meet people even if it makes you uncomfortable or unhappy. Pretending to enjoy something that you don't won't help you make friends that will be there when you need one. You should always be real, do what you want to and like to do, and people will either share your interests and personality type or they won't. I've never found pretending or being fake to be a sufficient relationship builder...


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abadoss
abadoss
Kenneth Edward Keyn
Thu, Nov. 9th, 2006 09:45 am (UTC)

I appreciate you saying that. Thanks.


(Also, I took a look at your profile and noticed that you went to LaSalle. I was wondering if you knew my Music Theory professor's husband, James Cameron.)


ReplyThread Parent
chickenkisses
Lauren
Thu, Nov. 9th, 2006 05:49 pm (UTC)

Yep, I did. He directed a string ensemble that I was in for a year. I didn't know his wife was a professor, that's interesting.


ReplyThread Parent
abadoss
abadoss
Kenneth Edward Keyn
Thu, Nov. 9th, 2006 06:24 pm (UTC)

What makes it even more interesting is that James is now a student here at Warner. :P


ReplyThread Parent
chickenkisses
Lauren
Fri, Nov. 10th, 2006 10:42 pm (UTC)

He's at Warner?? I didn't know he left LaSalle! That's weird. What is he studying? Music Theory under his wife :)?


ReplyThread Parent
abadoss
abadoss
Kenneth Edward Keyn
Sat, Nov. 11th, 2006 12:53 am (UTC)

I don't know that he left LaSalle (I'd have to ask him), but he's here alright. I'm very much waiting for the day when he takes a class under his wife, but James is going for a Music Education degree, so it's not likely that he'll end up in any of her classes. It's really cute seeing them together on campus, though. :P


ReplyThread Parent
chickenkisses
Lauren
Sat, Nov. 11th, 2006 07:54 am (UTC)

aww! Mr. Cameron being all lovey! Cute.

Hey, do you mind if I add you as a friend?


ReplyThread Parent
abadoss
abadoss
Kenneth Edward Keyn
Sat, Nov. 11th, 2006 08:06 am (UTC)

Yeah, go ahead. The only might be that I might add you back, so if that's something you're okay with... :P


ReplyThread Parent
chickenkisses
Lauren
Sat, Nov. 11th, 2006 08:32 am (UTC)

I think I'll take my chances ;)


ReplyThread Parent
bcmom
bcmom
Anna
Fri, Nov. 10th, 2006 07:49 pm (UTC)

I am so sorry you have to go through this and that people are so oblivious.

I have to agree with the comment that says to be yourself and do what you want. You won't find any true friends by going out and being someone you're not. You might get some temporary attention, but you will be just as alone as you are now.

As far as your example of people not sitting by you in chapel goes - exactly the opposite will happen to me. There can be plenty of room elsewhere, but someone is bound to sit right by me. Me? I'd rather they didn't. Maybe people just read vibes all backwards? I would rather be left alone so they crowd me. You would welcome some company so they leave you alone. It really makes no sense.


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abadoss
abadoss
Kenneth Edward Keyn
Sat, Nov. 11th, 2006 01:00 am (UTC)

Thank you. That does seem to be a fairly strange phenomenon... go figure...


ReplyThread Parent