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Old Journal 56 - Abadoss' Mind
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Tue, Jan. 15th, 2002 10:11 pm
Old Journal 56

Today is Tuesday, January 15, 2002. What an interesting day this has been. I suppose that I added my newest issue, namely infatuation with Hannah, so I’ll just go from there. I don’t remember if I said that I was going to ask her to the Prom or not. In the mean time, I’ll cover such issues as Mr. Memory’s pleas for me to return to band (I don’t know if I mentioned that either), my excessive back work, and new jobs (I’m not sure if I mentioned that as well).
I just looked over my last journal and I am amazed at how much happened since then. I’ll start with back work. Let’s see… the last day to turn anything in is Friday… this Friday. I have so much crap I need to do in Ms. Tateoka’s class. That’s, thankfully, the only class I have an F. I’m also behind in my IT project. I’m at the point where I’ve told Mr. Scott that I can’t access my files and I need to rewrite them. Sadly, that’s a load of shit. Next week; exhibitions happen. I have a project in Chemistry, in which I’m writing a song, and a project in Tateoka, in which I write a script for a one-act play. The play has been rather easy, but my mind is off in different directions and I’m not doing well concentrating on my work. It’s one thing to have a lot of work at one time, but for me to stretch everything out until now is just insane. I’m burning the candle at both ends and I’m running out of wax. Now on to the next tidbit.
Mr. Memory’s pleas… that’s a good one to cover now. Don’t mind the programmatic way I’m listing my troubles; my mind is on the big one. I’m just trying to cover bases. Let’s see here… over the Christmas break I began to think a lot about what I was doing with my music. I wanted to get into Curtis Institute of Music with my trombone. The past semester, I haven’t developed in a manner that I would think could get me into Curtis if I continued to learn that way. Ultimately, it came down to a question for me: Did I have the passion for the trombone? I know I had it for music, but what about trombone? Did I feel right playing the trombone? Normally, someone who might ask this question would answer it with, “I will as soon as I get better!” This is a little harder for me to accept. Most people who would say that have had a good reason to start trombone. I can’t remember ever having a specific reason for starting trombone. As a matter of fact, I started band because I thought that I had been in too much choir, so I should try this. I ended up with a trombone because I had the choice between that or a flute. Now, I don’t deny that I want to get better at trombone. I also will not deny the good things that have come from me playing trombone. However, when it comes down to it, I would rather sing, than play trombone. I’m constantly singing. It’s rare for me not to be. Also, when I’m in choir (Men’s Ensemble), I feel at home. I feel right in choir. It feels good. I felt a sense of belonging in choir that I never felt in band. So, in a final sweeping action I resigned for Mr. Memory’s band as soon as I came back from Christmas break. It was a surprise to him. In all honesty, he had a right to be shocked. I certainly didn’t let him know about anything before I did that. At first, he took it rather well. He seemed calm and at ease. He wasn’t angry or vexed in any way. Come a week later, he and Rebecca (theatre teacher who’s audition/resume class I’m in) decide that they need to convince me that I’m making a mistake. They think that the reason I stopped was because of the pressure. That was part of the reason, but by no means the biggest factor. Every time I Mr. Memory, he’s constantly trying to sway me back. I suppose I could write a letter to him explaining the real reason I stopped, but if there’s one thing that I’ve learned in his class, it’s that explanations are just as useless as excuses.
As a result of resigning, I decided to take a TA job with Mrs. Thompson. It’s a lot of fun and I get to do a lot of stuff. I am basically going to be taking care of most of the lose ends. Plus, she shows me a lot of respect for what I do. In addition, I’m in a choir setting. I get to listen to the girls’ choir every day. The position requires doing some Xeroxing, but that’s okay. It’s really nice to feel needed, again. It has been somewhat of a while since I truly felt important for something I could do. It’s a great feeling. I don’t know what I will get out of doing this job, but I will be happy to do it. Actually, I really don’t care what I get out of it! The job itself is reward enough for me! The only hitch is that it puts me close to Hannah for a while. I now have four classes with her. It’s a good opportunity to learn more about her, but it’s really hard on my emotions, especially after today.
Well, over the Christmas break, mom convinced me that I should go to the Prom. We had a lot of time in the car driving down to California, so it’s not a surprise that the subject came up. Naturally, I didn’t tell her anything about Hannah. Anyway, as I had been thinking about whether or not to go to Prom, her name popped up in my head as a possibility (first pick, if you will). Well, the first week back, I began to think heavily about it. So last week, I came to the decision that I would ask her. Over the weekend, I thought about how I would ask. On Monday, I tried to build up enough courage, but never asked. Today, however, I got a little courage. Last night, I promised myself I would ask today, so that was on my thoughts the entire day. I thought about giving her a note asking her to talk to me after school, but I thought it a bit premature. Second period the same thoughts ran through my head. Fourth period, I was running all over the place, so I didn’t think that was a good time, either. During fifth and sixth (I don’t have those classes with her), I contemplated how I would approach her since my only other class with her was my TA job. I came up with the idea of dropping a note either on her seat or next to it sometime in the middle of class asking for a minute to talk. Well, near the end of class, I dropped the note by her chair, but she didn’t manage to see it. My placement was pretty bad, so I wasn’t all to surprised. After class, I picked up the note and verbally asked her for a minute of her time. As we walked, I stumbled over my words trying to squeeze out the prepared material in my head, but gave up on it. I asked flat out; “Do you want to go to the Prom with me?” Well, by this time, I had already thought of at least five different scenarios. Not a single one played out true. Her answer was simply this: “I’m sorry, I already have a date.” I can’t really describe how I reacted. For a very odd reason, I kept my cool. I was calm and I nodded and said the usual “okay’s” and “no problem’s”. I have a pretty good idea of whom she’s going with, but I’m not going to point fingers. As far as I’m concerned, this was almost better. If I think about it; would it be better to go with her and simply let my infatuation run wild? Or allow myself to sort through my emotions? It’s really a matter of what is best for both of us. If she said “yes”, then she would be subject to anything that could be in my personality that could hurt her. At least as a friend, I could keep her somewhat at a distance. I could protect her from myself. That seems to be my main concern when it comes to issues like these. I’m constantly worried that if I were to carry through that I could hurt them. Oh, well, I suppose. I just need to think a bit more about it. I’m sure that I’m bound to see a whole slew of new developments in this little endeavor, so I’ll try to keep my journal updated.
My mom wants me to go get Subways, so I’ll be signing off. Adios! Adieu! Caio!

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