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Old Journal 31 - Abadoss' Mind
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Wed, Nov. 4th, 1998 06:31 pm
Old Journal 31

Today is Wednesday, November 4, 1998. Today was depressing. I saw Kristy holding hands with some else again. That was enough to depress me for the day. I don’t know what it is, but I still can just give up on her. Every time something like this happens I just want to go on all the more. Well, there were some good things that happened today. First, instead of hockey in PE, we played capture the Frisbee. I was on the winning team. So was Kristy. I do regret a little about playing. I slid too much. If I weren’t wearing those PE shorts, then I wouldn’t have a problem with sliding. I had fun. I got to be close to Kristy during the part of the game. I did make a little bigger impression on them, sort of. The problem is that I tripped on a clump of grass near Kristy while chasing after David. Also, just recently, I met a young kid who asked me how I did the kind of stuff I can do with a katana. This was kind of interesting. I wonder. How is it that almost every time I have a big, huge, gigantic, monumental hope, it falls down flat on its face? Well, at least this one has not proven that theory. The thing is I need someone that I can fully share my emotions with. I will always have God, but I need someone that is human, on this earth, someone I can physically feel and touch. I do have my family and my close friends at church, like Tom and Carolyn, but I just can’t talk to them about everything. I seriously hope that Kristy is that one. There is potential in her. Satan knows this to. I know that he does not want Kristy to see her strength in God. I feel that she has qualities in her that will make her a key target for Satan. He is going to try hard to keep her away. Time is slipping away fast. It’s hard to wait. I don’t have that much patience when it comes to something like this. I have a problem. She kills me, yet she restores me. She brings despair, yet she brings peace. I don’t have a clue how to deal with this. It’s like I’m in a dark room with no windows and I can’t find a light switch, lamp, flashlight, match, or anything. I’m hurting, but there is not a damn thing I can do about it. As Bryan Duncan once said in a song, “I lonely tonight. It’s not a simple need for company. I know now that I don’t belong in this world I see. And I’m lonely tonight.” It’s as plainly stated as that I need to have a counterpart, an equal, a true love. A true love. My most important request that I have ever steered God’s way. I need a companion on this road that I walk daily. A love. A true love. My one requisition from God. My one absolute need right now. I just find it so annoying that this generation will jump to conclusions way before they actually find out what someone is like. That hurts me in this case. It really hurts when I can’t introduce myself because I’m afraid of the response. I need help. I need answers. I need Kristy. Love is no longer a foolish way to pass the time. I see now the fullness of actually needing someone. There are some things I have yet to learn about love, but right now I feel just overwhelmed by my feelings for Kristy. I makes me sad to hear about when she gets hurt and when I see things like today. Why do I feel this way? It’s hard to go through this. This brick wall just ain’t comin’ down, to coin a phrase. Well, I’m just…just…well to put it this way, Blaah! I just can’t move on to other things. I just pray for God’s shalom. I pray for His peace and intervention in this problem in my life. Well, yesterday was Election Day and I was absent from school. Gray Davis is now our governor. Barbara Boxer is, once again, a Californian senator. How pleasant. Yeah, sure! On Friday, the band gets to go play at Smiley School. Anyway, I’m kind of tired right now. Thank you for reading, my future bride……………or any hacker that steals my journals. Good night at 6:31.

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