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Old Journal 6 - Abadoss' Mind
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Thu, Sep. 24th, 1998 08:17 pm
Old Journal 6

I guess it’s been a while since I’ve had a chance to enter a log. Well, today is September 24,1998 and I have a lot on my mind that I must get out now or surely I will pay the consequences for not writing now. Over the past few days, I’ve come to notice a girl in my PE class and who rides the same bus as me. Anyway, the funny thing is that I have no way of understanding whether or not the Lord will let me proceed with my feelings. I pray that the Lord will be very clear as to yes or no. A while back, the Lord made it clear to me that I was not allowed to date or court any girl until He let me. The thing is, I can’t discern what is the Lord and what is me. For some reason, I tend to involuntarily look and glance at her face whenever she walks by. I also can’t help but look for her on the bus and at PE. My mind is just going haywire trying to figure out what’s going on. Everyday, I contemplate if this is God or me. I have yet to learn her name. There is one thing for sure, there is a lot of interference from other classmates as to me getting the strength together just to meet her. I have to constantly look through the haze of this world to my Maker in order to see the true light about the situation. Unfortunately, I have yet to see that light. I can only hope that light will appear very soon. It’s just getting restless trying to sort through my head what is up or down. If she is the one God wants for me, I pray her image of me has not been distorted by the ridicule of fellow classmates. Also, I hope that she is not disturbed by my appearance or by my mannerisms. God, oh God please let the truth be known to me. Is there some unfinished business that I have yet to complete before You let me know or do I just have to wait for Your timing or both? I just have so much trouble with it that it pains me to have to wait for such timing. My only hope is that whoever the Lord, my God, who is the Almighty Savior of the world and me, chooses will be the right ONE. Anyway, over past days we got a joystick. It used to belong to John (last name removed for courtesy), my youth pastor. I’m grateful to him, after all, he gave me and Troy this very computer, this keyboard, the mouse I used to get into this program, and a lot of games and applications. This last weekend, I spent the time with Joey and Annie. I had a fun time. We almost beat “BanjoKazooie.” At the end we had to go through a big board game answering questions from the game. For some reason I can’t get off the subject of this girl. I first noticed her, slightly, the first day we lined up on our numbers in PE. She was wearing a mid thigh length, sleeveless, beige dress with red and yellow flowers on it. She was also wearing high-healed sandals. I didn’t start paying much attention to her until the second or third day or so when we began to dress out in our PE clothes. I have a little trouble remembering when I began to notice her. It was last week that I really began to ask God about her. As it obviously appears, I’ve missed a lot of time to journal about this. This is the first time I’ve ever in my entire life that I’ve felt like this. I just have no clue as to what I should do. As a matter of fact, I’m having trouble writing this very entry. I’ve been less accurate as far as my spelling goes and my grammar. Just while writing that last sentence I got two words wrong and had to rewrite it once already. I usually only get one word wrong per sentence and only have to rewrite a sentence twice in an entry MAX. This is very scary for me considering the fact that I’ve never had a real, solid, or even on my own will, relationship. This is just wearing me out of the picture. At least my normal picture. I know I have to be careful as to what I should take personal and what I should just forget about, because I know that anything she says will be more effective on me then a nuclear bomb or torture could ever be. I must be careful also to the content of her values and morals. I pray that they are as well built on the Lord as the rivers of the world flow. This episode in my life can be explained in Gods timing. Her outward appearance is good so far, as I can tell. At least I can see she is very beautiful. Her inward appearance has yet to be discovered. Yet again, unfortunately, I will not be able to discover all until the Lord comes, whenever that happens. Until then, I can only learn so much. I hope I’ll have the time to find out. Until next time, I’ll say good night. I think.

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