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Life in the Works... - Abadoss' Mind
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Fri, Jul. 12th, 2002 02:34 pm
Life in the Works...



What
kind of LJer are you?


I found this one particularly interesting, so I'm going to stick this one out in the main journaling world.


Anyway, over the last couple weeks, since the end of school, I've been trying very hard to come to understand things about myself. There's so much that I have to know. I realize that there is a lot more out there than what I make a fuss about in this journal, but this is where my mind is.

I've been putting most of my energy into dealing with my emotions concerning Hannah. I'm essentially putting myself through love rehab. Man it sucks! I've been taking every single thought and emotion that I have ever invested into her and analyzing it to the nth degree. I want to see where I was and learn from it. Regardless of whether or not it would have worked or not, or if she was in the right or not, I will respect her feelings as I would pray that she might understand one day.
I wasn't ready for a relationship of that sort. I wasn't prepared to handle anything other than friendship, but I pushed it too far. Whatever happens now, will happen. I'm not too concerned with the relationship, or the lack thereof, between us anymore. She wanted nothing to do with me, but I was relentless. I'm beginning to understand why she responded the ways she did.
I'm not going to blame her for anything. Although it hurts like hell, it's helping me grow. If there's one thing I can say, she helped me take a different perspective on the way I perceive myself and the way I deal with other people. She also has given me the opportunity to re-evaluate my boundaries.
The only thing that I wish I could change was the fact that no matter how hard I try, I will never be able to rid myself completely of my feelings for her. She became a part of my life, regardless if she wanted me to be a part of hers.
I have more healing to do, but I'm getting there. I still dream of her, but I will move on. I will forget to look for her in my mind. I will forget to watch for her eyes. I will forget to listen for her voice. I will forget to long for her embrace. I will miss her. I wish her the best.

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Current Mood: mellow mellow
Current Music: "Breathe" -Rebecca St. James

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