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Body, Soul, and Spirit... - Abadoss' Mind
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Sun, Nov. 28th, 2004 11:17 pm
Body, Soul, and Spirit...

Pain. If there's a word that describes me right now, it's pain. There's pain in my body. Pain in my soul. And pain in my spirit.

The Body: During strike for the play (aka tear down the set), I tried to pull out a framing nail (really big nail) out of a piece of fence board. The thing was completely bent and the angle I did it at did not help much either. I ended up screwing up my back, so that ever since my back has been barely usable. It hurts when I bend over and when I try to get up or sit down. I really feel like and old man with it. Luckily, it's been getting better, but it's still hard to move it much. At the very least, I've been keeping good posture because of it.

Also, I starting to get fairly concerned about my health in general. I'm not as healthy as I should be, both in illnesses and physical shape. I've been struggling against my allergies and my lungs since even before school began. My allergies have never been this bad and antihistamines seem to only make it worse or shift the symptoms to my lungs. As a singer, this is horrible and I really need to figure out what's wrong. Actually, I really need to pick a doctor and go see him/her and get a check up. As far as my physical shape... I'm just not doing too well. It takes more energy (not emotional) to do things, I'm not as flexible any more, and I've picked up a spare tire (and I don't mean that literally).

The Soul: I'm having women issues (Here's one for joyfulgal). The main problem here is that I've been getting fairly close to Stephanie, but I'm not sure that I am conducting myself well. Both of us are comfortable with physical touch as a way of expressing friendship. I've never been in a relationship before, so I don't have well defined boundaries between platonic and romantic. To illustrate the point, I'll use an analogy of a borders along a field. A high stone wall with an iron gate separates marriage and romantic and romantic and platonic are separated by the fact that the grass is slightly greener on the romantic side and has a few flowers near the marriage wall. I'm just worried that I'm misleading her, especially given that I still have yet to come to a decision about my commitment (I know you've all heard it, just don't worry about it).

I then face the problem that even if I didn't have the commitment, would I want to go any further (within limits, I mean)? My gut feeling is no, but it does take effort to keep my mindset away from it. Stephanie is a wonderful girl, but I can't see myself down the line with her. I'm no prophet, but I can see that there are some things that would take too much energy (even if I had it) to maintain (that's not to say she's high-maintenance because she's not). But how am I supposed to say that to her without potentially screwing up a friendship. Once you leave platonic, it's almost impossible to return. I don't want to lose her as a friend, especially since she's given me a chance to be open. She's become dear to me and it would greatly hurt to lose her friendship.

Now I ask myself, what am I looking for? I've seen and heard so many stories of how people hook up and go on to live happy (or not so happy, on many occasions) lives. I know that I shouldn't expect my future love story to be the same, but I often wonder how many opportunities to meet my future wife I've passed by. How many times have I dreamed of her and waited for her only to miss her at the MAX station or on the bus? How much has my heart ached and groaned of sorrow because she's not yet in my life only to watch her walk out of a movie theater or get up from the seat next to me in a restaurant? But how do I know that any one of them could be my future wife? Is this checklist in my head a dream as well? Or is there one out there that will match up? Is my checklist even the right checklist? I don't know. How am I even supposed to know until it happens? Love is a fickle thing and apparently I don't fit it's tastes at the moment...

God help me...

The Spirit: I'm having a tough time with my spirituality as well. There are certain core values that will never go away for me (like that Jesus Christ died and rose again for my and all humanity's sin, that God is love, that Christ is coming back, that God is ever present in my life, etc.). However, all the other stuff has come to be a little hazy, particularly concerning church and worship. I already understand that I will never be able to worship God in a manner that He truly deserves, but it's becoming harder to make my worship more meaningful.

A lot of this stems from my burnout several years ago, where all the things of church became routine. I knew all the songs and I knew all the techniques, but they meant nothing anymore. Generally speaking, church was no longer about worshiping God, but running a production or figuring out what new harmonies I could put to whatever song. It's that way so much now that I can't walk into a church without feeling like I need to do something or that I know the songs or the style so well that I'm bored with it. Frankly, I have an easier time worshiping God through the music of Bach or even Palestrina, than with contemporary worship songs.

Aside from the feeling of being snooty, I also feel bad because I feel like I should be able to worship God in any setting, to any music, regardless of how crappy it's performed. It just seems like I can't worship (or I don't feel like I'm worshiping) unless I'm alone or listening to very reverent, very well done music. If it weren't for the doctrinal stuff, I'd almost become a Catholic, Lutheran, or Episcopalian simply for the style of worship.

Speaking of doctrine, that's another thing I'm having a problem with. I'm having a hard time rebuilding my personal doctrine. I believe that my faith must be personal to begin with, so I at least have a place to start, but outside of that, I run into a lot of problems. Where do I adopt this idea or that idea? What is okay and what is not? Do I take the Bible word for word and become legalistic with it? Or do I interpret it with the understanding that it is a translated (not only in language, but in culture and time as well)? Do I only take the parts that I'm able to apply to my life and use the rest more as guidelines? What? If only the answer were written in bold face print in a language that would speak only to the reader in whatever tongue, tribe, or generation he or she is a part of, not in a translation from a language we're not even sure if we're pronouncing correctly anymore.

I'm sure God will reveal it to me, as He usually does in His timely manner... (timely for Him, not so much for me... not that I can say my timing is perfect or anything)... I'll just have to do what I usually do... wait...

Once again, I'd like to remind those who I've not yet contacted or who've not yet seen the post about it, I want to send out Christmas/holidays/whatever mail this year and if want me to send you something, please please please fill out THIS POLL! So far, not too many people have done so. If you're worried about other people seeing your mailing address, don't worry because I'm the only one that will ever see the results of the poll and I will not sell the list of addresses to spam mailers or hate groups... or religious affiliations of any kind... Anyway, the link for the poll again is this:

http://www.livejournal.com/poll/?id=385928

Thanks.

Current Mood: discontent discontent
Current Music: "Infinite Natalie" -Shnabubula

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