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A Not-So-Brief Overview of the Last Week or So... - Abadoss' Mind
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Tue, Apr. 27th, 2004 09:47 pm
A Not-So-Brief Overview of the Last Week or So...

Now that I actually have a little bit of time to sit down and write something, I think that it's probably best that I do. It's so easy to forget to actually journal when so much is going on in your life.

So, what's going on right now? To name a few things; the play just finished this last weekend, Bassem's (a Master of Religion student) symphony, classes coming to an end and upcoming finals, last counseling session for this year, registering for classes next year and for the summer, upcoming Germany trip, and starting to build up the momentum I need to start making changes in myself. That's only the brief list...

To start off, the play went wonderfully. Almost everyone who went to see it enjoyed it greatly (with exceptions to some of the older folks). It was great fun and now that it's over, it's almost a bit sad. Gary seemed impressed by how far I had come with my acting abilities over the year. I wonder if this means I can start playing characters a little closer to my age...

Bassem's symphony was performed by the choir and an orchestra that Bassem organized. The piece was absolutely breath-taking and I am so honored that I was able to be a part of it. I'm hoping that I can get a copy of the recording because that's definitely one I want to hang on to. Also, let it never be said that I cannot sing over an orchestra.

Now that it's getting close to the end of the year, I'm a bit sad. Frankly, I really wish that the year were longer (though I don't mind not having more work to do). I just like the idea of being able to be with all my friends on a daily basis and now I'm not going to be able to until this fall. However, there's still finals week. I'm not particularly worried about any of the finals, but still... it's stress.

Yesterday was my last counseling session with Melissa. I intend on continuing counseling, but since she is only an intern, she will not be there next year. So, I'm going to have to get a new counselor and I'm not sure what to expect about that. I wonder if whoever I end up with in the fall is patient enough (no pun intended) to put up with my lack of talking during sessions. I know Melissa had a bit of a hard time with that, but she did okay dealing with it.

I've officially registered for my summer and fall classes. Here's what my schedules look like:

- Summer -

Monday-
9:00 AM to 12:00 PM - Intro to Photography [ART 120x]
3:00 PM to 6:00 PM - Math Concepts Applications [MA 104]

Wednesday-
9:00 AM to 12:00 PM - Intro to Photography [ART 120x]
3:00 PM to 6:00 PM - Math Concepts Applications [MA 104]

Saturday-
9:00 AM to 1:00 PM - Drawing/Painting [ART 110x]


- Fall -

Monday-
8:00 AM to 8:50 AM - Music Theory III [MUS 221A]
9:00 AM to 9:50 AM - Music History [MUS 341]
12:00 PM to 12:50 PM - Warner Chorale [MUS 118C]
12:50 PM to 2:30 PM - Golf [HHK 203]

Tuesday-
8:00 AM to 8:50 AM - Functional Keyboard Skills I [MUS 221B]
12:00 PM to 12:50 PM - Concert Choir [MUS 114C]
1:00 PM to 2:15 PM - War and Peace [HUM 211]

Wednesday-
8:00 AM to 8:50 AM - Music Theory III [MUS 221A]
9:00 AM to 9:50 AM - Music History [MUS 341]
12:00 PM to 12:50 PM - Warner Chorale [MUS 118C]

Thursday-
8:00 AM to 8:50 AM - Functional Keyboard Skills I [MUS 221B]
12:00 PM to 12:50 PM - Concert Choir [MUS 114C]
1:00 PM to 2:15 PM - War and Peace [HUM 211]

Friday-
8:00 AM to 8:50 AM - Music Theory III [MUS 221A]
9:00 AM to 9:50 AM - Music History [MUS 341]
12:00 PM to 12:50 PM - Warner Chorale/Concert Choir [MUS 118C/MUS 114C]


On May 18, I'll be flying to Fritzlar, Germany to spend about a week and a half touring with the choir. Very much looking forward to that. The only problem is that I can't find my passport, so I may have to rush-order a new one, which would not be pleasant. Anyway, as I said, definitely looking forward to it.

All in all, I'm really starting to push myself to start making decision about the kind of life I want to lead. This mainly pertains to my commitment concerning dating (aka the "No-Dating Policy", which I've so often struggled with). I think I'm getting close to a point where I'm ready to let go of it. The only catch is that I really do find a level of comfort in knowing that I have a clear-cut boundary that I can rely on. However, if I were let it go, I'd have nothing but many shades of grey and off-white (metaphorically speaking).

It's just that I'm beginning to become very discontent with being lonely. I've been so used to it for the last six years, but it's really starting to eat away at me. A phrase popped into my head a couple days ago that I could almost incorporate as part of a poem; "A pain lies in my heart this day, and I fear it intends to stay." I really worried that if I were to continue much longer with my commitment, that I would become comatose. I feel the urgent sense to escape my entangled mind and fly free, but I fear what I'm capable of.

I fear that I have the ability to really destroy someone's life. My overall greatest fear is hurting others, and this fits right in. I fear that if I get into a relationship, that I would open up and drown the poor girl with what I've held back for so long. What's worse is that there is grounds for my concern. My thoughts and emotions are strong, they are probably stronger than most people would be willing to credit. And because of the way that I've used my mind, I fear that releasing it all would overload, not only myself, but whoever is near by. I suppose that's why I try so hard to never let my mind shift drastically. That's why I always have to make subtle changes to my thought patterns.

Current Mood: discontent discontent
Current Music: "Memoriam" -Dj Redlight

3CommentReplyShare

urthona
urthona
Los
Tue, Apr. 27th, 2004 11:35 pm (UTC)

I hate to say this, but these fears you have... they are normal and rational. And your next relationship, no matter what you try and do to prevent it, will likely be one that you are currently trying to avoid. It is possible that this will not be the case, I'm not ruling that out. But after so much time feeling this way it's almost inevitable.

Don't try and find a relationship because you feel lonely. That's the best way to do exactly what you wish not to do. But if you do find yourself in a relationship, don't fret too much about these things. You will find that you will soon forget your worries. And if they come up, well, they come up. I do believe the phrase is "Get back on the horse that threw you."

And that applies here. You're going to be in a relationship. You will learn a lot about many things, yourself, what you want in a relationship, what you want from yourself, how to handle yourself in a relationship and what not to do next time.

Don't limit yourself to one relationship, as that can be dangerous (and I do mean one in a lifetime, not simply one at a time). Again, not saying that the next one will not be the one. Just keep in the back of your mind the possibility that it may end, but don't fear that moment.

Of course, the most frustrating thing about this advice is that it almost doesn't matter that I'm giving it. It didn't matter when I have given it in the past and it didn't matter when it was given to me. Your first major relationship in your new life will always be an act of trial and error. And you WILL learn. Just don't let anything besides your potential like or love for this person get out of hand. That path leads to destruction, and you're smarter than that.

Good luck, sir. If you remember one thing, let it be this: You are not the only one who has felt this way nor are you the only one who has gone through this. There are others out there who know what you're talking about. So don't be too afraid.


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brassfire
brassfire
Brassfire the Burninator
Wed, Apr. 28th, 2004 09:36 pm (UTC)

Dating sucks. :)

Much better to just get to know people through mutual interests and then possibly enter into a relationship based on friendship, respect and PLUS sexual attraction, rather than one based solely on sexual attraction where you don't even know if you like the person as a person or how they deal with differences of opinion...


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(Anonymous)
Thu, Apr. 29th, 2004 01:27 am (UTC)

In response to "Free Write" Jan. 21, 2004.

Are you sure you are looking for a wife? It sounds to me like you are leaning towards the other sex... based on your views of each sex and the way you judge them.
Yes your personality does affect how people perceive you and makes them not want to be around you. You hold too high of standards for those in your age group. You cannot expect things to be any different based on your methods and uptightness.


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