Abadoss' Mind
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Fri, Dec. 19th, 2014 10:26 pm

On Wednesday, I had a doctor's visit. This was actually a follow up to one I'd had in October regarding a significant increase in overall fatigue and episodes of energy levels crashing hard that caused me to leave work early. The initial blood work showed very low levels of vitamin D. I was put on horse pills of vitamin D3 to try to stabilize it over about eight weeks. The test results from this recent visit seem to show that we've been fairly successful in getting my vitamin D to normal levels. Good.

However, my fatigue has not gone away. On my first visit, they had me fill out a mood test. On the test, I ranked as having moderately severe depression. I later did a similar test supplied by my job's intranet and also scored as having moderately severe depression. Anyone who has read farther back in my journal would not be too surprised that I deal with depression, but I personally was surprised that it was that bad on the scale.

I've been feeling my depression getting worse over the last three years. This has been a dark time in my life and I've not been coping well. My depression has been manifesting itself in physical symptoms, such as the aforementioned fatigue, but also just general pain and stress. I've not had the energy to do the kinds of things that are good outlets for my emotions and good for balancing my mind and managing my depression. I've starting developing worrying neurotic behavior that looks a lot like social anxiety. It's not good.

Anyway, it's time for another approach for now. With those results in mind and knowing that depression is a struggle for me in general, I was prescribed an anti-depressant. I started taking them Wednesday and have been taking them every morning since. So far, I haven't noticed too much change in my mood. That's to be expected, though. I probably won't see a change for about four weeks.

What I have been experiencing, though, is some of the side effects... I think. I made the unfortunate mistake of running across an article on the internet - right before I took my first pill - talking about the horrific side effects and the seemingly near one-to-one link between this drug and risk of suicide. It made me hesitate a moment, not because of the stunning (lack of) facts, but because I really don't know what I would experience from here on out.

How would I know what reactions are normal and what reactions are expected. This may be arrogant to say, but suicide is never going to be an option for me. I like living and being curious about things. I can see a healthy future, it just feels like a ever-widening chasm between me and the future. Could a drug corrupt my faith in a future worth living? I hung on that for a moment. Then I let go and put it in God's hands. I have faith that I'll make it through regardless. It just might suck for a little bit.

I know for certain that the nausea and drowsiness are side effects. Definitely feeling those and will feel those until my body adjusts. I'm not certain if having a looser grasp of passing time is an official side effect. I also don't know about the weird way my jaw is either clenching or unclenching. I can't tell if my jaw is trying to relax and I'm instinctively fighting back. Or if I'm trying to fight back a tightening jaw. Not sure. My skin also feels a little more oily than I'm used to, particularly since I'm used to dealing with psoriasis (or what I think of as psoriasis - no diagnosis on that). Sleep has felt harder to achieve. Although, my sleep issues are numerous and have plagued me for ages. It normally takes a long time to get to sleep, but I feel like it takes just a hair longer now.

Mostly, I just feel a bit... weird. Not unbearable weird. Just weird. I want to believe this will help, so I'm going to push through until it either gets results or we try something else. I'm writing this both to chronicle my journey and to use it as a tool to track any possible changes. I'm not sure how this will go, but hopefully it will go well.

I'm really done with this nausea, though. Screw that.

Tags: , , ,
Current Mood: nauseated nauseated
Current Music: "Sir Duke" -Stevie Wonder

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Sun, Nov. 23rd, 2014 12:19 pm

It's that time of year again where I post a list of things that I would buy myself if I had enough money, time, and available stock to get. This is just a guideline for those needing help thinking of things to get me. Do not feel obligated to get me anything on this list or anything at all if you don't want to or if you have a better idea of something to get me. Also, some of these items are stupidly expensive (hence why I have not bought them myself), so I would certainly not expect you to get them.

I'm going to do things a little differently this year. Previous years, I would list pretty much everything at all that I wanted. This time, I'm just going to post the highlights and put in links for more expanded wishlists on other sites. I will, of course, continue the tradition of crossing off the items I have received or bought for myself. Let's get started...


Table of Contents
Books
Board Games
Music
Movies
Video Games
Miscellaneous


Books
The Legend of Zelda Box Set: Prima Official Game Guide
The UnGospel by Steven Carver

((Back to top))


Board Games
Dixit Expansions: Dixit Quest / Dixit Odyssey / Dixit Origins / Dixit Daydreams / Dixit 3
Ticket to Ride (Expansions:: 1910 Expansion / 1912 Expansion / Asia: Map Collection - Volume 1 / India: Map Collection - Volume 2 / The Heart of Africa: Map Collection - Volume 3 / Nordic Countries / Europe / Marklin )
Settlers of Catan (Expansions:: Settlers 5-6 Player / Cities and Knights / Cities and Knights 5-6 Players / Traders and Barbarians / Traders and Barbarians 5-6 Players / Seafarers / Seafarers 5-6 Players / Fisherman of Catan / The Great River )

((Back to top))


Music
---Recordings---
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (The Complete Recordings)
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (The Complete Recordings)
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (The Complete Recordings)
The Complete Works of Bach
The Complete Piano Works of Fauré
Poulenc Piano Works
Ratatouille

---Scores---
Pelleas et Melisande, Op. 80, and Pavane, Op. 50, In Full Score by Gabriel Fauré
Three Great Orchestral Works in Full Score: Prélude a l'après-midi d'un faune, Nocturnes, La Mer by Claude Debussy

((Back to top))


Movies
---Want to Buy---
Iron Man 3
The Avengers
Captain America: The First Avenger
Thor
Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Thor: The Dark World
Guardians of the Galaxy
Star Wars: The Original Trilogy
Star Wars: The Prequel Trilogy
Wall-E
Brave
The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
Aladdin
Hamlet
The Mikado
The Pirates of Penzance
From Up on Poppy Hill
Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind
Porco Rosso
Castle in the Sky
Kiki's Delivery Service
Ponyo
Spirited Away
The Secret World of Arrietty

---Want to See---
The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies (December 17, 2014)
Avengers: Age of Ultron (May 1, 2015)
Ant-Man (July 17, 2015)
Star Wars: Episode VII - The Force Awakens (December 18, 2015)

((Back to top))


Video Games
---Consoles---
Wii U
Playstation 4
XBOX One
Playstation 3
XBOX 360
Nintendo 3DS XL
Sega CD add-on (Version 2)

---Wii U---
Super Smash Bros Wii U
Mario Kart 8
New Super Mario Bros U
New Super Luigi U
Super Mario 3D World
Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker HD
Donkey Kong Country Tropical Freeze
Sonic Lost World
DuckTales - Remastered

---Wii---
Kirby's Return to Dreamland
Mario Kart Wii
Super Mario Galaxy 2

---GameCube---
Mega Man X Collection
Super Mario Sunshine
Super Smash Bros Melee

---Nintendo 3DS---
Pokémon Omega Ruby
Pokémon Alpha Sapphire
Super Smash Bros 3DS

---Nintendo DS---
Final Fantasy IV
Tetris DS

---Nintendo 64---
Banjo-Tooie
Conker's Bad Fur Day

---Super Nintendo---
Kirby's Dream Land 3
Mega Man X
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time
Super Mario RPG
Disney's Aladdin

---Nintendo Entertainment System---
Balloon Fight
Tetris (Tengen)

---Playstation 4---
Assassin's Creed IV Black Flag
Final Fantasy XV

---Playstation 3---
Ni No Kuni
Journey
Assassin's Creed III
Final Fantasy XIII
Okami Zekkeiban
Marvel vs. Capcom 3

---Playstation 2---
Taiko Drum Master
Marvel vs. Capcom 2

---Playstation---
Final Fantasy VII
Xenogears
Chrono Cross

---XBOX 360---
Sonic Generations
LEGO Pirates of the Caribbean

---Sega Dreamcast---
Marvel vs. Capcom 2
Sonic Adventure 2
Crazy Taxi 2

---Sega CD---
Sonic CD
Silpheed
Final Fight

---Sega Genesis---
Rocket Knight Adventures
Disney's Quackshot
Disney's Aladdin

---Steam---
Terraria
Back to the Future: The Game
Monaco
Bastion
Dust: An Elysian Tail

---PC---
The Curse of Monkey Island

((Back to top))


Miscellaneous
Gift cards
Money
Swords
Clothes (please ask me first)
- Shirt size = 36/37, 18½-19 collar, X-large (I prefer dress shirts / solid colors, without patterns or stripes or logos)
- Pants size = 46 x 31-32 (I prefer slacks / solid, muted colors / usually black, white, tan, and beige)
Black leather bomber jacket (X-large / Buttons or Zipper front)
Djembe
Boom microphone stand (x2)
Noise-cancelling headphones
Corded power drill (with Phillips screwdriver bit, at least)
Desk chair
Tempur-Pedic mattress (full size)
Foundation for a full size memory foam mattress (without slats, wooden or otherwise, if possible)
33'-43' Flatscreen TV (1080p LED HDTV)
Digital SLR Camera

((Back to top))

Tags:
Current Mood: exhausted exhausted
Current Music: "..." -...

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Wed, Apr. 2nd, 2014 07:39 pm

Disclaimer: I am about to talk about some of my clothing. If you have trouble thinking about me and my clothes at the same time then... uh... first off, stop. I really don't want you thinking about me that way (unless you happen to be the woman God intends for me to marry one day). Anyway, moving on. :P This is will contain information about my clothing that may stray into TMI territory. So, this involves my pants. I've been reluctant to talk about this until it got somewhat resolved (I so hope it's resolved now) because I didn't want anyone to have to spend any effort trying to avoid thinking about it. You have been warned.


Let's start at the beginning, though. My policy with clothing is to make each piece last as long as possible. I keep them clean. I keep them in good repair for the most part. And I don't purposefully do anything to needlessly damage them.

I am a bigger man. For the quite a while, my size of pants was about the last on the rack at most stores. The variety wasn't always great, but I could usually find a pair or two that I liked (for fairly cheap, I might add). Then one day, my size disappeared. I didn't change sizes. They just stopped being carried. Everywhere.

I was forced to go looking for pants at those stores that are named in just such a way to try to convince you that you're definitely in the right place, but not as to insult you so much that you'd never come back. Now I found my self at the bottom of the rack. Again with limited variety, but good choices. Well, for a while I was able to find decent pairs, including two of the most comfortable that I've owned in a long time. Now my size has been fading away again. The last time I went, I found zero pairs that worked for me.

This was a serious problem for me because I was down to only three pairs of passible pants (black, white, and grey). The inner thigh and the seam in the middle are the two weak points for any pair of pants that I own. About a month ago, one failed catastrophically and the other two were about to go as well (white, small hole in the thigh, and grey, seam coming apart). The black pair happened to fail while I was at work with a huge hole in the thigh and I didn't notice until I got home, much to my extreme embarrassment. I then noticed the wear on the other two after that. The white pair had a small hole in the thigh and the grey had the middle seam fraying.

I was out of pants with nowhere stocked in my size. There's nothing quite like that feeling of dread that comes from not having appropriate clothing. Of working in an office environment. Of taking public transit every morning and evening. Luckily, I did have a pair of blue pants that I had bought years ago that I never wear because they are too heavy for the weather at most times of the year and chafe like... insert comparison here.

I have avoided buying clothes online because there is no way to know if anything will actually fit, what the quality of the materials were, or if I'd like the feel of them. I had no choice now. I dropped $100 on three pairs of pants and waited the excruciatingly long time for them to be shipped, alternating between the blue pair and the grey pair (which was a little easier to hide the damage). They finally arrived today. All three fit, but are one size smaller than I'm used to. It seems the online variety is about as limited as it had been in the stores to a certain extent.

Ultimately, though, the episode is over. I can be confident about my pants. And I hope to God that this episode does not repeat itself any time soon. Or ever.


It does make me think, though, about those that really just have no option at all. A hole in the thigh or a split or frayed seam may not matter all that much as long as it covers most of them and/or keeps them warm. The embarrassment of knowing that they are always potentially exposed in some way and that there's nothing that can be done. Maybe add a patch or two. Duct tape. Only draws attention to the damage, though. Doesn't change their worth as a human being, but it sure makes it hard to feel human at all.

Tags: , , ,
Current Mood: annoyed annoyed
Current Music: "..." -...

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Thu, Nov. 28th, 2013 10:41 pm

It's that time of year again where I post a list of things that I would buy myself if I had enough money, time, and available stock to get. This is just a guideline for those needing help thinking of things to get me. Do not feel obligated to get me anything on this list or anything at all if you don't want to or if you have a better idea of something to get me. Also, some of these items are stupidly expensive (hence why I have not bought them myself), so I would certainly not expect you to get them.

I'm going to do things a little differently this year. Previous years, I would list pretty much everything at all that I wanted. This time, I'm just going to post the highlights and put in links for more expanded wishlists on other sites. I will, of course, continue the tradition of crossing off the items I have received or bought for myself. Let's get started...


Table of Contents
Books
Board Games
Music
Movies
Video Games
Miscellaneous


Books
A Memory of Light (Paperback) by Robert Jordan and Brandon Sanderson
The Legend of Zelda Box Set: Prima Official Game Guide
The Cloud of Unknowing by Anonymous
The UnGospel by Steven Carver

((Back to top))


Board Games
Takenoko
Star Fluxx
Diplomacy
Dixit (Expansions:: Dixit 2 / Dixit Odyssey / Dixit Odyssey Expansion / Dixit Journey )
Ticket to Ride (Expansions:: 1910 Expansion / 1912 Expansion / Asia: Map Collection - Volume 1 / India: Map Collection - Volume 2 / The Heart of Africa: Map Collection - Volume 3 / Nordic Countries / Europe / Marklin )
Settlers of Catan (Expansions:: Settlers 5-6 Player / Cities and Knights / Cities and Knights 5-6 Players / Traders and Barbarians / Traders and Barbarians 5-6 Players / Seafarers / Seafarers 5-6 Players / Fisherman of Catan / The Great River )

((Back to top))


Music
---Recordings---
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (The Complete Recordings)
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (The Complete Recordings)
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (The Complete Recordings)
The Complete Works of Bach
The Complete Piano Works of Fauré
Poulenc Piano Works
Ratatouille

---Scores---
Pelleas et Melisande, Op. 80, and Pavane, Op. 50, In Full Score by Gabriel Fauré
Three Great Orchestral Works in Full Score: Prélude a l'après-midi d'un faune, Nocturnes, La Mer by Claude Debussy

((Back to top))


Movies
---Want to Buy---
Star Trek Into Darkness
Iron Man 3
The Avengers
Captain America: The First Avenger
Thor
Iron Man 2
The Incredible Hulk
Star Wars: The Original Trilogy
Star Wars: The Prequel Trilogy
Indiana Jones: The Complete Adventure Collection
Wall-E
Brave
The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
Aladdin
Hamlet
The Mikado
The Pirates of Penzance
From Up on Poppy Hill
Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind
Porco Rosso
Castle in the Sky
Kiki's Delivery Service
Ponyo
Spirited Away
The Secret World of Arrietty

---Want to See---
The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug (December 13, 2013)
The Wind Rises (February 21, 2014)
Captain America: The Winter Soldier (April 4, 2014)
X-Men: Days of Future Past (May 23, 2014)
Guardians of the Galaxy (August 1, 2014)

((Back to top))


Video Games
---Consoles---
Wii U
Playstation 4
XBOX One
Playstation 3
XBOX 360
Nintendo 3DS XL
Sega CD add-on (Version 2)

---Wii U---
New Super Mario Bros U
New Super Luigi U
Super Mario 3D World
Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker HD
Donkey Kong Country Tropical Freeze
Sonic Lost World
DuckTales - Remastered

---Wii---
Kirby's Return to Dreamland
Mario Kart Wii
Super Mario Galaxy 2

---GameCube---
Legend of Zelda: Four Swords Adventure
Mega Man X Collection
Super Mario Sunshine
Super Smash Bros Melee

---Nintendo 3DS---
Pokémon X
Pokémon Y
Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D
The Legend of Zelda: A Link Between Worlds

---Nintendo DS---
Final Fantasy IV
Tetris DS

---Nintendo 64---
Banjo-Tooie
Conker's Bad Fur Day

---Super Nintendo---
Kirby's Dream Land 3
Mega Man X
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time
Super Mario RPG
Disney's Aladdin

---Nintendo Entertainment System---
Balloon Fight
Tetris (Tengen)

---Playstation 4---
Assassin's Creed IV Black Flag
Final Fantasy XV

---Playstation 3---
Ni No Kuni
Journey
Assassin's Creed III
Final Fantasy XIII
Okami Zekkeiban
Marvel vs. Capcom 3

---Playstation 2---
Taiko Drum Master
Marvel vs. Capcom 2

---Playstation---
Final Fantasy VII
Xenogears
Chrono Cross

---XBOX 360---
Sonic Generations
LEGO Pirates of the Caribbean

---Sega Dreamcast---
Marvel vs. Capcom 2
Sonic Adventure 2
Crazy Taxi 2

---Sega CD---
Sonic CD
Silpheed
Final Fight

---Sega Genesis---
Rocket Knight Adventures
Disney's Quackshot
Disney's Aladdin

---Steam---
Super Meat Boy
Fez
Terraria
Back to the Future: The Game
Monaco
Bastion
Dust: An Elysian Tail

---PC---
StarCraft II: Heart of the Swarm
The Curse of Monkey Island

((Back to top))


Miscellaneous
Gift cards
Money
Swords
Clothes (please ask me first)
- Shirt size = 36/37, 18½-19 collar, X-large (I prefer dress shirts / solid colors, without patterns or stripes or logos)
- Pants size = 46 x 31-32 (I prefer slacks / solid, muted colors / usually black, white, tan, and beige)
Black leather bomber jacket (X-large / Buttons or Zipper front)
Djembe
Boom microphone stand (x2)
Noise-cancelling headphones
Corded power drill (with Phillips screwdriver bit, at least)
Desk chair
Tempur-Pedic mattress (full size)
33'-43' Flatscreen TV (1080p LED HDTV)
Digital SLR Camera

((Back to top))

Tags:
Current Mood: thankful thankful
Current Music: "The Impresario" -virt, Tommy Pedrini

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Sat, Feb. 23rd, 2013 08:10 am

I noticed that a good chunk of my recent entries were all just reposts of my twitter feed and not even all of them. I decided that it resembled spam a little too much and turned off the auto-repost and deleted the entries en masse. Unfortunately, I think I may have deleted my Annual Wishlist 2012... Oops. Oh, well. I'll see if I can recover it somehow, but I'm not certain how well it will work. Plus, it's past Christmas and my birthday, so I might just wait for the 2013 list.

Current Mood: exhausted exhausted
Current Music: "Welcome to Rainbow Resort" by Select Start

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Sat, Aug. 11th, 2012 01:34 am

I feel her hand in mine
I look down to see her fingers
I feel the pulse of her heart
I see the ring given her
I feel her love flowing in
I look up
And the dream is over
There is no one there
I have not yet found her...

Tags:
Current Mood: gloomy somber
Current Music: "..." -...

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Thu, May. 31st, 2012 06:51 am

I have tugged upon the golden cord
And found now the same as then
A longing to once more pull away
And watch the hours melt from my eyes
My mind encased in blurred shadows
Until I have reached the end of the tunnel
Only to start again from the other side
How long before there is no more thread?
When will it be too late?
Never can I put it back
It is gone forever

Tags:

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Tue, Nov. 29th, 2011 08:34 pm

Once again, it's time for the annual Christmas/birthday wishlist. As I've said every year, just because I'm posting this doesn't mean you have to get me anything. This is a helpful guide in case you do want to give me something. You are not obligated in anyway. Plus, if all you can give me is time hanging out, then that is plenty for me. Anyway, here's the list:

Bolded items are ones that I am particularly interested in and thus place more weight on.

I already have some very helpful lists published from Amazon.com, IMDb, and Weaponmasters.com:

Amazon.com wishlist (Click on the left side for various sub-lists)
IMDb list of movies I'd like to buy (DVDs please)
Weaponmasters wishlist

Aside from those, I have some other general things:


--Books-- (preferably unabridged)

The Merry Advantures of Robin Hood by Howard Pyle
Pilgrim's Progress by John Bunyan
The Canterbury Tales by Geoffrey Chaucer
The Ethics of Ambiguity by Simone de Beauvoir
Meditations on First Philosophy by René Descartes
The Republic by Plato
Gulliver's Travels by Jonathan Swift
The Science of Discworld II, & III by Terry Pratchett
Around the World in Eighty Days by Jules Verne
Siddartha by Herman Hesse
The Adventures of Tom Saywer by Mark Twain
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
Things Fall Apart by Chenua Achebe
The Hunchback of Notre Dame by Victor Hugo
Person and Personage by Victor Tournier
Infinity and the Mind by Walter Ong
The Cloud of Unknowing by Anonymous
The Three Musketeers (a series of six books) by Alexander Dumas


(For those books that were written in another language, the original language would mean a lot to me, but I also wouldn't be able to read them... use your best judgement...)


--Artwork--

If you want to buy me art, use these two links as a guide of what would fit my tastes...

Paths and Trails on Art.com
Favorites list on deviantART (you can purchase prints of a lot of these too)

I'm also looking for frames, but you should talk to me before getting any, as I would need to get the measurements right...


--Music CDs--

Sting - My Funny Valentine (Japanese release/import via Amazon)
Michael Giacchino - Ratatouille (soundtrack)
Howard Shore - Lord of the Rings complete recordings (all of them)
Turtle Island String Quartet - (anything really, since I don't have any of their albums)
Eric Whitacre - (anything really, since I don't have any of his albums)
Astor Piazzolla - (anything really)
Johann Sebastian Bach - (any organ works)
Stevie Wonder - Innervisions (1973)


CDs that contain...

Poulenc - Three Novelettes For Piano
Ravel - String Quartet in F Major
Ravel - Daphnis et Chloé
Debussy - La Mer
Debussy - String Quartet in G minor
Copland - Appalachian Spring
Copland - Arrangement of The Tender Land for orchestra

(If in doubt, look for: the Vienna Philharmonic; the Cleveland Philharmonic; the Academy of St. Martin in the Fields; the Orchestre de la Société des Concerts du Conservatoire; the London Philharmonic; Herbert von Karajan as director; Robert Shaw as director; Dietrich Fisher-Dieskau as a soloist; Deutsche Grammophon label; Naxos label; etc. If you're really in doubt, just come ask me. I won't be too concerned about a spoiled surprise.)


--Music Scores-- (i.e. sheet music)

Poulenc - Three Novelettes For Piano
Debussy - La Mer
Fauré - Pavane
Bach - Magnificat
Shostikovich - Piano Concerto No. 2
Piazzolla - Adios Nonino

(Please talk to me if you want to deal with these.)


--Video Games--

A much more exhaustive list can be found here: http://www.mobygames.com/user/sheet/view/havelist/userHaveListId,34218/userSheetId,178365/

::Nintendo::
Super Mario Bros. 2
Tetris

::Super Nintendo::
Chrono Trigger
Secret of Mana
Final Fantasy II (IV in Japan)
Final Fantasy III (VI in Japan)
Super Mario RPG
Mario Kart
Mega Man X
Aladdin

::Sega Genesis::
Aladdin
Ecco the Dolphin
Quackshot

::Sega CD::
A Sega CD add-on
Sonic CD
Silpheed

::Nintendo 64::
Conker's Bad Fur Day
Banjo-Tooie

::Playstation::
Final Fantasy VII
Xenogears
Chrono Cross
Suikoden
Suikoden 2
Bushido Blade
Metal Gear Solid
Gran Turismo
Gran Turismo 2

::Nintendo GameCube::
A WaveBird Wireless Controller
Super Mario Sunshine
Mario Party 4-7
Crazy Taxi

::Playstation 2::
Two wireless PS2 controllers
Capcom vs. SNK 2
Marvel vs. Capcom 2
Ōkami
Xenosaga Episode I: Der Wille zur Macht
Xenosaga Episode II: Jenseits von Gut und Böse
Xenosaga Episode III: Also sprach Zarathustra

::Nintendo Wii::
Kirby's Return to Dreamland
Kirby's Epic Yarn
Boom Blox
Wii Sports
Wii Fit
Super Mario Galaxy
Super Mario Galaxy 2
Super Smash Bros. Brawl
Worms: A Space Oddity

::XBOX 360::
An XBOX 360 (my former roommate owned it and thus it went when he got married)
Assassin's Creed
Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood
Tetris Evolution
Lego Star Wars: The Complete Saga
Star Wars: The Force Unleashed
Star Wars: The Force Unleashed II
Beautiful Katamari
Street Fighter IV

::Playstation 3::
LittleBigPlanet
LittleBigPlanet 2
Mirror's Edge
Final Fantasy XIII

::Nintendo DS::
A Nintendo 3DS
The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D
Mario vs. Donkey Kong 2: March of the Minis
My French Coach
My Japanese Coach
New Super Mario Bros.
Super Dodgeball Brawlers
Tetris DS

::PC::
The Curse of Monkey Island
Myst III: Exile
Myst IV: Revelation
Myst V: End of Ages
Star Wars Episode I: Pod Racer


--Computer Software / Hardware--

::(Expensive) Software::
Photoshop 7 or above
Finale 2012
Windows 7


--Movies--

A Blu-ray player

Please refer to the IMDb list, but here are some highlighted ones...

Iron Man
Iron Man 2
King Ralph
The Teahouse of the August Moon (1956)
Hamlet (1996, Kenneth Branagh)
WALL-E
Toy Story 3
Up
The Princess and the Frog
Avatar
Forbidden Kingdom
Spirited Away
Castle in the Sky
Ponyo
Nausicaa of the Valley of the Winds
Porco Rosso
Kiki's Delivery Service


If you're nearby and you'd like to take me to a movie, refer to this IMDb list. Here are some highly anticipated ones:

The Adventures of Tintin (December 21, 2011)
The Avengers (May 4, 2012)
Brave (June 22, 2012)
The Amazing Spider-Man (July 3, 2012)
The Dark Knight Rises (July 20, 2012)
Skyfall (November 9, 2012)

(If it's crossed off, that doesn't necessarily mean I won't go see it again. Just saying.)


--Practical/Miscellaneous Things--

Gift cards
Money
Swords
Clothes (please ask me first)
- Shirt size = 36/37, 18½-19 collar, X-large (I prefer dress shirts / solid colors, without patterns, stripes, etc.)
- Pants size = 46 x 31-32 (I prefer slacks / solid, muted colors / usually black, white, tan, and beige)
Black leather bomber jacket
Djembe
Noise-cancelling headphones
Corded power drill (with phillips screwdriver bit, at least)

Current Mood: okay okay
Current Music: "Still Alive" -Jonathan Coulton

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Fri, Jun. 10th, 2011 09:29 pm

It feels like I haven't really spent enough time journaling as of late. Having been on the site for quite a few years, it's difficult not to think that I've talked about everything already without it turning into a log of mundanity, but, there's always something new. Even when talking about topics that I've covered in the past, it's important to remember that I have a different perspective now as compared to then. I am a new person each day and each day I see things imperceptibly different than I did before. On August 16, 2011, I will have been on LiveJournal for ten years. I have old paper journals that I put up that date back to middle school. A lot of things have changed since then. Little by little. This journal documents that.

That's the part that hurts right now. There are a lot of changes that are going on in my life right now and I haven't taken the time to sit down and document them. Psychological benefits aside, I don't have really have a lot to show for what's been going on, other than some seasonal attempts to catch up (this entry for example). I'm sad that when I look back at this huge transition period in my life, I'll have to say, "What happened?" Well. A lot.

What's worse is that even now, I'm not really going to be able to go over a lot of those changes. I hope to remedy that this weekend. Until then, I apologize.

Tags: , ,
Current Mood: sleepy sleepy
Current Music: "An Atmosphere of Miracles" -Iona

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Wed, Jun. 1st, 2011 06:53 am

There's something that's been bothering me about the art scene as it is in this era. I'm frustrated that the critical approach to art these days is that it's not high art if it doesn't disturb the viewer. This may be over-simplification, but there's definitely a trend toward it. Spend some time on deviantART if you don't believe me. Anyway, I find that mentality to be a major flaw in our progress as artists and as a culture. Yes, art that disturbs is still art and I can understand that the viceral emotional reaction to it can be quite compelling, but art is not just about that. I believe art is to be an engaging medium. I believe art to be a form of visual communication that draws in its audience to whatever emotions or experiences the artist wants to portray. Profound beauty. Serenity and stillness. Hope. Humor. Sadness. Nostalgia. These things are just as much art as the grotesque and the macabre. I call on artists to realize that it is not enough to rely on unsettling the audience to convey emotion. I call on you to engage the audience and to show them the whole spectrum of experience. Not just one corner of it. Please. For all our sakes and for the sake of future art. Thank you.

Tags:
Current Mood: artistic artistic
Current Music: "A Midnight Prayer" -Kenneth Edward Keyn

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Tue, Apr. 12th, 2011 06:03 am

Thus the buds of spring did appear upon the branch
Greens and yellows, reds and whites
The flowers bloom, full of light
And the song of birds, the sound of life
The fingers of the sky, caressing my face
Their watery touch breathing into my soul
Away my weary winter
Spring has come
Spring has come at last

Tags:
Current Mood: artistic artistic
Current Music: "..." -...

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Thu, Mar. 17th, 2011 05:59 am

Happy St. Patty's Day! Sadly, I've not made any fun plans today, but I will enjoy it nonetheless.

Current Mood: awake awake
Current Music: "No Fear in Love" -Iona

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Fri, Feb. 18th, 2011 05:53 pm

Today was a bad day for self-talk, psoriasis, and lethargy. Hmm... I could almost leave it at that. That pretty much sums it up, really.

Tags: , ,
Current Mood: crappy crappy
Current Music: "..." -...

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Thu, Jan. 20th, 2011 07:20 pm

I don't have enough tears
For the pains and wrongs
Held behind fortress walls.
How can I safely release
This flood of tears
While the rain still falls?
How long before I drown
Before the dam shatters
The walls crash down?
All that I have built
Buried in ancient silt
Upon the topmost crown.

Tags:
Current Mood: melancholy melancholy
Current Music: "..." -...

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Tue, Jan. 11th, 2011 05:41 pm

Q: Is that Dandruff?

A: No. It’s psoriasis. The difference is that dandruff is caused by a fungus while psoriasis is a disorder in which the body tells the skin cells to die off too early, causing build up, itchiness, and inflammation. Psoriasis is not contagious whatsoever. I have it on my scalp and my face.

Q: Are you aware you’re overweight?

A: Yes. Very much so. It’s a little hard not to notice. It’s something that I’ve struggled with for most of my adult life. My self-image is not consistent with my physical appearance and there are some self-esteem issues that are a result of it. However, I do make efforts to bring my weight down and they are effective for the most part, but mostly in maintaining my current shape. I do exercise, though on a very erratic schedule, and I do keep a mind to a healthy diet. Some of my struggles are against genetics (stocky Norwegian build), personal medical history (three months on prednisone after a major allergic reaction when I was thirteen), and life habits (sedentary tendencies, particularly with regards to computers). As an adult, the least I’ve weighed was 175 lbs my senior year of high school. College and the following periods of underemployment/unemployment saw my weight rise and I’ve been trying to work against it since. I also have functionally flat feet, which makes high-impact exercise (such as running) difficult and quite painful. Ironically, I participate in martial arts. Now that I’m working again, I am more likely to add exercise into my routine, but I want to be genuine and serious about it. I’ll probably join a gym or martial arts dojo sometime soon, once I figure out how to schedule my free time outside of work.

Q: Do you have a cold/flu/etc.?

A: Most likely not. I have moderate nasal allergies, year-round, that make most days interesting. I am allergic to pollen, mold, dust, pet dander, and strong chemical and floral scents (particularly if they are synthetic or cheaply made). The first four on that list will most likely make me sneeze, have a runny or stuffy nose, and/or have an asthma attack. Chemical and floral scents will make me experience something akin to a migraine focused very sharply on bridge of my nose. As a general rule, I take anti-histamines before I get to work and I carry some in my backpack in case I don’t make it the entire day. I also try to keep a box of tissue nearby (or packet of tissues in my pocket) at all times. I can’t prepare against chemical and floral scents and therefore just avoid them as often as I can.

Q: What is your religion?

A: Christian. More specifically, I identify myself as non-/inter-denominational, with a strong Seventh-Day Adventist and Messianic Jewish background. However, I keep an open mind to other points of view and opinions. I will never press my beliefs on anyone, but I am usually willing to talk about it if asked. I am constantly re-evaluating what I believe. I find that unquestioned beliefs are stale and serve to deaden faith in God. I find my faith in God in the uncertainties between questions. It’s a paradox. That’s a whole other conversation, though.

Q: Why do you talk to yourself/inanimate objects?

A: That’s a good question. The trouble with answering it is that there’s always a lot of psychology involved. The simple answer is that voicing my thoughts occasionally make it easier to think or vent whatever emotion might be flickering past my mind. I assure you, I’m pretty sure I’m roughly about as sane as anyone else. Then again, who really is sane?

Q: Are you aware that you smell sometimes?

A: Actually, no. As I mentioned above, I suffer from allergies most of the time and thus my nose is constantly waging war on itself. I rarely smell anything that I’m not directly allergic to. I am, however, aware that I am a bigger man and as such take as many efforts to reduce my smell as possible (i.e. showering daily, wearing deodorant and cologne, etc.). In truth, if you notice anything like that, please let me know (tactfully and in private would be best). Otherwise, how would I fix it?

Q: Are you easily offended?

A: No. Not really. There are certain subjects that tend to be more hot-button for me than everything else, but it’s really, very hard to offend me. That which does offend me tends to be matters of behavior. I put a great deal of stock in respect and civility towards other people. I expect the same from others and become offended when that is trampled on. However, it’s likely that my reaction will only be to walk away. I also understand that there are different understandings of what it means to be respectful and civil, so I’m constantly giving people the benefit of the doubt. Though, there’s definitely a limit to what I will tolerate. Basically, you have to be doing it on purpose for me to get offended.

Q: Do you feel you always have to be right?

A: Absolutely not. I actually assume that I’m wrong most of the time. However, I only have the information I have and that’s what I put forward. I am particularly partial to classical style argumentation (put forward theory, disprove theory, learn, generate new theory, rinse, and repeat) and collegiate debate. I look at it as presenting the information that I have and I want you to do the same and together we figure out what’s working. If you think I’m wrong, tell me why. I have very little attachment to my opinions and will not be personally or otherwise offended by having being proven wrong. That said, be prepared to back up why you think you’re right. This is my default mode of communication. All that said, I still make an effort not to lapse into this style of communication when it’s not appropriate. I do understand the importance of having multiple methods of communication and I do employ them as often as I can.

Q: Why do you always dress up the way you do?

A: To be honest, I don’t feel I’m dressing up. This is just my standard wardrobe. This is what I wear around the house (if I’m not in pajamas). I find jeans uncomfortable and I feel weird wearing shorts. I prefer solid colors and slacks. I’m not trying to make any statement or be on best behavior, only to lax when I get home. This is just what I wear.

Q: Why are you always sleepy/groggy/tired/etc.?

A: I’m an insomniac. My particular insomnia manifests itself as difficulty getting to sleep and an irregular circadian rhythm. I combat this by forcing myself into a set sleep pattern and by using sleep aids (Unisom, as of late). The downside is that I don’t always get quality sleep when I force or drug myself into it. As such, I’ve built up a significant sleep debt and my body is not happy with this. Thus, I’m tired a lot of the time. Caffeine sometimes seems to have the opposite effect than it should, plus dependency on caffeine makes withdrawal tough and more tiring.

Q: Why do you seem down a lot of the time?

A: I am medically prone to depression. The causes of depression are difficult to pinpoint. It can be from an imbalance in brain chemicals, from situational influences, and/or from negative self-talk. I do as much as I can to combat these influences, but I’m really only able to affect my self-talk. I can only do so much about my chemical balance and the situations that I find myself. I constantly monitor what I tell myself in my mind and work hard to balance those thoughts against reality. After a lot of practice, I am able to redirect or stop short most negative thoughts. It’s certainly not perfect, though, and thus there will be lapses.

Q: Do you have a girlfriend/wife/lover?

A: No. It’s really complicated, but, simply put, no. For reference’s sake, I am completely heterosexual. Basically, I am exceptionally picky – which I often feel very hypocritical about and try to work on improving myself as a response – and I am unwilling to enter into a relationship that I don’t see at least the potential of marriage. I play for keeps.

Q: Do you have a sense of humor?

A: Yes. It’s mostly a snarky, facetious, deadpan, self-deprecating style of humor that’s really hard to catch if you aren’t paying attention. Puns and absurd connections also play a strong role. The best examples would be in the comedy of Eddie Izzard, Terry Pratchett, and maybe Hugh Grant. English. Heady. I also laugh at the discovery and/or uncovering of truths. This is still part of my humor, but a slightly different section of it. Plus, I laugh at the absurdity and silliness of many of the things I do or find myself doing out of habit or instinct. I actually laugh at myself quite a bit.

Q: Is that ink on your nose?

A: Nope. It’s a scar of some kind. No doubt a leftover from acne during puberty. I assume that it’s a collapsed capillary or vein.

Q: What’s that in your teeth?

A: Chance are, it my cavity. My family never had enough money for any dental work or a dental plan of any kind. As a result, I’ve never had a chance to see a dentist. I try to take care of my teeth, but there’s only so much I can do. I hope to see a dentist soon enough, now that I might be able to afford it.

Current Mood: hopeful hopeful
Current Music: "..." -...

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Fri, Oct. 29th, 2010 10:17 pm

It's that time again. This list is by no means a call for you to buy anything for me. I would actually rather more appeciate spending time with you. This is simply a tool that I make available every year for those of you interested in getting me a gift of some sort, given the proximity of Christmas and my birthday. Generally, the things listed are things I might be tempted to splurge on, should I have the funds and the lax willpower to hold on to them.

Again, you are not required to get me anything. I understand that some people show their affection by giving gifts and I also understand that there's a cultural norm for it concerning particularly Christmas and birthdays. Here's what I have to say to that: If you want to give me a gift, this list is here to help you out if you can't figure out what to get me; if you feel like you have to get me something, stop right where you are and proceed no further. You should never get me anything because you feel you have to. Only do so if you want to. Otherwise, it's false and, while I'll still appreciate the gift and will make use of it, it will always have that taint to it.

Bolded items are ones that I am particularly interested in and thus place more weight on.

I already have some very helpful lists published from Amazon.com, IMDb, and Weaponmasters.com:

Amazon.com wishlist (Click on the left side for various sub-lists)
IMDb list of movies I'd like to buy (DVDs please)
Weaponmasters wishlist

Aside from those, I have some other general things:


--Books-- (preferably unabridged)

The Merry Advantures of Robin Hood by Howard Pyle
Pilgrim's Progress by John Bunyan
The Canterbury Tales by Geoffrey Chaucer
The Ethics of Ambiguity by Simone de Beauvoir
Meditations on First Philosophy by René Descartes
The Republic by Plato
Les Miserablés by Victor Hugo
Robinson Crusoe by Daniel Defoe
Gulliver's Travels by Jonathan Swift
The Science of Discworld I, II, & III by Terry Pratchett
Around the World in Eighty Days by Jules Verne
Siddartha by Herman Hesse
The Adventures of Tom Saywer by Mark Twain
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
Things Fall Apart by Chenua Achebe
The Hunchback of Notre Dame by Victor Hugo
Person and Personage by Victor Tournier
Infinity and the Mind by Walter Ong
The Cloud of Unknowing by Anonymous
Musicophila by Oliver Sacks
The Three Musketeers (a series of six books) by Alexander Dumas


(For those books that were written in another language, the original language would mean a lot to me, but I also wouldn't be able to read them... use your best judgement...)


--Artwork--

If you want to buy me art, use these two links as a guide of what would fit my tastes...

Paths and Trails on Art.com
Favorites list on deviantART (you can purchase prints of a lot of these too)

I'm also looking for frames, but you should talk to me before getting any, as I would need to get the measurements right...


--Music CDs--

Sting - My Funny Valentine (Japanese release/import via Amazon)
Sting - If On A Winter's Night...
Michael Giacchino - Ratatouille (soundtrack)
Howard Shore - Lord of the Rings soundtracks (all of them)
Turtle Island String Quartet - (anything really, since I don't have any of their albums)
Eric Whitacre - (anything really, since I don't have any of his albums)
Astor Piazzolla - (anything really)
Johann Sebastian Bach - (any organ works)
Stevie Wonder - Innervisions (1973)


CDs that contain...

Poulenc - Three Novelettes For Piano
Ravel - String Quartet in F Major
Ravel - Daphnis et Chloé
Debussy - La Mer
Debussy - String Quartet in G minor
Copland - Appalachian Spring
Copland - Arrangement of The Tender Land for orchestra

(If in doubt, look for: the Vienna Philharmonic; the Cleveland Philharmonic; the Academy of St. Martin in the Fields; the Orchestre de la Société des Concerts du Conservatoire; the London Philharmonic; Herbert von Karajan as director; Robert Shaw as director; Dietrich Fisher-Dieskau as a soloist; Deutsche Grammophon label; Naxos label; etc. If you're really in doubt, just come ask me. I won't be too concerned about a spoiled surprise.)


--Music Scores-- (i.e. sheet music)

Poulenc - Three Novelettes For Piano
Debussy - La Mer
Fauré - Pavane
Bach - Magnificat
Shostikovich - Piano Concerto No. 2
Piazzolla - Adios Nonino

(Please talk to me if you want to deal with these.)


--Video Games--

A much more exhaustive list can be found here: http://www.mobygames.com/user/sheet/view/havelist/userHaveListId,34218/userSheetId,178365/

::Nintendo::
A Nintendo (my former roommate owned it and thus it went when he got married)
Super Mario Bros. / Duck Hunt
Super Mario Bros. 2
Tetris

::Super Nintendo::
Chrono Trigger
Secret of Mana
Final Fantasy II (IV in Japan)
Final Fantasy III (VI in Japan)
Super Mario RPG
Mario Kart
Mega Man X
Aladdin

::Sega Genesis::
Aladdin
Ecco the Dolphin
Quackshot

::Sega CD::
A Sega CD add-on
Sonic CD
Silpheed

::Nintendo 64::
Conker's Bad Fur Day
Banjo-Tooie

::Playstation::
A Playstation
Final Fantasy VII
Final Fantasy VIII
Xenogears
Chrono Cross
Suikoden
Suikoden 2
Bushido Blade
Bushido Blade 2
Metal Gear Solid
Gran Turismo
Gran Turismo 2
Mega Man 8

::Nintendo GameCube::
A WaveBird Wireless Controller
Super Mario Sunshine
Mario Party 4-7
Crazy Taxi

::Playstation 2::
Two wireless PS2 controllers
Capcom vs. SNK 2
Marvel vs. Capcom 2
Ōkami
Xenosaga Episode I: Der Wille zur Macht
Xenosaga Episode II: Jenseits von Gut und Böse
Xenosaga Episode III: Also sprach Zarathustra

::Nintendo Wii::
A Nintendo Wii
Rayman: Raving Rabbids
Boom Blox
Wii Play
Wii Sports
Wii Fit
Super Mario Galaxy
Super Mario Galaxy 2
Super Smash Bros. Brawl
Worms: A Space Oddity
Donkey Kong Country Returns
New Super Mario Bros. Wii

::XBOX 360::
An XBOX 360 (my former roommate owned it and thus it went when he got married)
Assassin's Creed
Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood
Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts & Bolts
Tetris Evolution
Lego Star Wars: The Complete Saga
Star Wars: The Force Unleashed
Star Wars: The Force Unleashed II
Beautiful Katamari
Street Fighter IV

::Playstation 3::
LittleBigPlanet
LittleBigPlanet 2
Mirror's Edge
Final Fantasy XIII

::Nintendo DS::
Mario vs. Donkey Kong 2: March of the Minis
My French Coach
My Japanese Coach
New Super Mario Bros.
Super Dodgeball Brawlers
Tetris DS

::PC::
Civilization V
StarCraft II
The Secret of Monkey Island
Monkey Island 2: LeChuck's Revenge
The Curse of Monkey Island
Myst III: Exile
Myst IV: Revelation
Myst V: End of Ages
Star Wars Episode I: Pod Racer


--Computer Software / Hardware--

::(Expensive) Software::
Photoshop 7 or above
Finale 2011
Windows 7


--Movies--

Please refer to the IMDb list, but here are some highlighted ones...

Iron Man
Iron Man 2
King Ralph
The Teahouse of the August Moon (1956)
Much Ado About Nothing (1993)
Hamlet (1996, Kenneth Branagh)
Eddie Izzard: Glorious
WALL-E
Toy Story 3
Up
The Princess and the Frog
Avatar
Forbidden Kingdom
Spirited Away
Castle in the Sky
Ponyo
Nausicaa of the Valley of the Winds
Porco Rosso
Kiki's Delivery Service


If you're nearby and you'd like to take me to a movie, refer to this IMDb list. Here are some highly anticipated ones:

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader (December 10, 2010)
Tron: Legacy (December 17, 2010)
Thor (May 6, 2011)
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (May 20, 2011)
X-Men: First Class (June 3, 2011)

(If it's crossed off, that doesn't necessarily mean I won't go see it again. Just saying.)


--Practical/Miscellaneous Things--

Gift cards
Money
Swords
Clothes (please ask me first)
- Shirt size = 36/37, 18½-19 collar, X-large (I prefer dress shirts / solid colors, without patterns)
- Pants size = 46 x 31-32 (I prefer slacks / solid, muted colors / usually black, white, tan, and beige)
Black leather bomber jacket
Djembe
Noise-cancelling headphones
Corded power drill (with phillips screwdriver bit, at least)


A reminder. You do not have to get me anything because I put up this list. It is a tool that you can use only if you want to get me something.

Tags:
Current Mood: sleepy sleepy
Current Music: "Baal Bhaagna" -Jake Kaufman

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Wed, Oct. 13th, 2010 08:23 pm

May that we one day aspire
To be a beacon of hope
To the restless and the weary
A light to heal their wounds
And mend their souls
So that they might shine
And in the darkness
Bring the lost home

May that we one day desire
To be a seal against dread
To the fearful and the afraid
A balm to calm their minds
And hold them safe
So that they might stride
And through the darkness
Bring the lost home

May that we one day inspire
To be a generation
Of the willful and the strong
The light of this our world
The lost come home
So that they might be
And from the darkness
Bring the lost home

Tags:
Current Mood: creative creative
Current Music: "..." -...

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Mon, Feb. 22nd, 2010 07:23 pm

I feel like the pair of bland socks you receive on Christmas or your birthday. Useful, but otherwise held with mild interest for as long as is polite before moving on to the gifts you actually want. I know differently, but few people have made any attempts to prove it to me. I don't understand how my life could be so empty that I find myself alone and unwanted so often. I understand that there's a level at which I need to initiate interactions and I do initiate. I understand that everyone has their own lives to live and that they need to make the tough decisions of priorities and that I'm not always going to come out on the top of that list. What I don't understand is how all of it combines to create this anti-Kenny pocket, where I'm just barely on the outside of anyone's attention and any attempts at gaining attention are met with mild interest for as long as is polite before moving on to people they actually care about. Why must I feel like a pair of socks?

Sometimes I wish I could just crumple to the floor and rest right there, yet I find myself unwilling to give up standing. I feel so much pain and emptiness gnawing at my soul, yet I still struggle on. Why? I hope that one day I will be filled. Like an addicted gambler, I use the last dollar I have to feed myself in hopes of winning it big. For the time being, I feel like I'm in a perpetual state of spending that dollar and getting nothing in return but a worthless piece of paper. Where did it all go wrong? At what point did the leak spring from my tank, without my notice, to leave it this empty? Or have I been watching slowly drain out? A participant in my own destruction...

I don't understand this path I'm on. I don't understand why it requires this much pain. What is the end goal? Is it worth the road I'm taking? Is it even possible to get to any other road? And would any of those roads be worth the pain they bring?

I need solace. I need to know that I'm not just a stubborn fool following empty promises and an empty life. I need to know that I didn't sacrifice a good life for an empty one. I need to know that things will get better. I need to see it. I need to feel justified in my hopes. I need to know that people think of me without prompting. I need to feel wanted. I need people to show me that they want me around. I need them to do it without me asking. And I don't think that will ever happen...

Tags: , , , ,
Current Mood: frustrated frustrated
Current Music: "..." -...

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Wed, Jan. 20th, 2010 01:34 am

I suppose if I claim that an update is coming, I should probably follow through with it. Well, as I said, I have a lot happen lately that's probably worth noting. The trick is organizing it all into meaningful chunks that won't choke my readers.

I guess I'll start with music. The biggest news I have in this department is that Troy and I composed the soundtrack to a new iPhone game, called Trenches, that came out over Christmas. This is a legitimate, for-pay project that we worked on - i.e. resume material. This is seriously a good step in the right direction. I now have contacts with a game developer that could potentially mean more professional projects. Also, I now have credits that I can take to any other developer and basically say that I have proof of being able to produce quality music for a professional game. It's a door-opener for sure. It doesn't mean that I'll have developers beating down my door to get me on their project, but it's one more tool toward my primary goal. I'm also in talks with OverClocked ReMix about posting the Trenches EP on their site. They approached me about it and the developer was cool with it, so it's just a matter of getting everything together.

I was interviewed on Nitro Game Injection, where I unveiled my involvement with Trenches, as well as talked shop about music, games, and ReMixing. I've been involved in a lot of ReMixing projects this last year and the trend seems to continue into this year. I was involved with the release of "Echoes of Betrayal, Light of Redemption" - a Final Fantasy IV arrangement album - and "Humans & Gears" - a Xenogears arrangement album. I find myself now on arrangement albums for Seiken Densetsu 3, Lufia 1 & 2, lesser known RPGs, Final Fantasy IX, and the works of game composer Tim Follin. Thankfully, my work on all but the Final Fantasy IX is roughly complete, but this is not counting the numerous invitations to projects that I've been getting lately. I'm feeling a little worn thin. If it weren't for my love of Final Fantasy IX, I probably wouldn't have taken that one on. However, chances are, if someone approaches me with an invitation for a Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, or Mega Man 3 project, I might just be willing to commit musical suicide/overdose for that.

Speaking of OverClocked ReMix, I attended one of the largest meetups for the OCR crowd at MAGFest in Alexandria, Virginia on New Years. This was my third year trying and I finally made it out there. It was such a blast and I'm so thankful I got to go. I got to meet people that I've been working with for years on OCR in person and make connections with more OCR folks. The most awesome thing is that OCR people are way cooler and way nicer in person even than they already are over the internet. I almost can't count the number of times I was blessed and helped out during MAGFest by so many different people. It nearly didn't happen again this year, but, thanks to all those people, I was able to have a great time. One of the reasons I was able to go is because I had made plans to visit my mom for Christmas, out in Tennessee. One of the OCR guys going to MAGFest lives in Tennessee and was willing to carpool.

Christmas with Mom was an experience, to say the least. I enjoyed myself and had a great time with my family. There's a bit of a culture shock going in, I think. I wasn't really prepared for how much everyone eats pork down there. I was really craving turkey when I got back. Anyway, I got to meet my new sister - via foster care. She's seventeen. She has some issues that she needs to work through, but she's a good person at heart and I think she's finally in the right place with my mom and Wes. I look forward to seeing what becomes of her.

Financially, I'm still in a pretty hard place. I've been getting positions with Adecco and they've been really looking out for me, but the economy is still rather rough. I'm eagerly awaiting my W2s so I can file my taxes and maybe get a good return. Hopefully, there won't be any silliness that I could do without. Student loan debt still hangs as heavy as ever over my head and some of it comes off deferment fairly soon. I'm not happy about that. I'm hoping to get back on food stamps sometime this week. They expired at the end of November and I had made too much during November to claim benefits. Since I only made unemployment during December, I should be eligible to claim again. I tried to grab an application today, as it was closing, but the security guard wasn't willing to grab one for me - which was roughly three feet away. I'm going to try again tomorrow/today.

I still would like to get into grad school. This is heavily tied into my finances, though. If I'm able to land a job in time to have application fees, I'll try again this year. If not, I'm just going to have to wait longer. It's already too late for any of the December application dates, but places like Ithaca College and few others have later dates. I hope I can land those. The trick is going to be getting the appropriate recommendations, considering how long I've been out of my undergrad. I have a few people I need to get back into contact with.

I'm finding it much difficult to keep friends out of college. I'm thankful for my friends who have remembered me and remained loyal, such as Maria and Jeremy, but I miss knowing and hanging out with a wide variety of friends. Lately, I've come to appreciate my relationship with my brother and Martina a lot more than I unknowingly have in the past. However, his job keeps his really busy almost constantly and I rarely get a chance to hang out with him. I greatly appreciate my online friendships, but typed words can only go so far. MAGFest was great for my online friendships, but I am only likely to see these guys and girls one or twice a year. That doesn't account for all the other days in the year that I'm mostly by myself. I suppose, put plainly, I'm just rather lonely and I feel marginalized most of the time. I've written about this particular feeling on numerous occasions, so I'll leave that there for now.

I am still single. No surprise there. I still wish I weren't, yet I still feel I am unprepared for a girlfriend. I especially feel unprepared financially. It's not so much that I feel like a girlfriend is only going to be concerned about money, but I want to show her that I can contribute to the financial stability of a potential marriage. Basically, this would be cured with a stable job. However, as before mentioned, the economy sucks. I don't know if I'm emotionally ready. I almost feel I am, but I have no idea how to determine that, short of getting into a relationship. I imagine I'm going to have to learn a lot of things as we go along and I think that kind of growth is probably good for me, but I won't know what or how or even if it will be detrimental to the relationship I'm in when I do that kind of growing. I simply don't know. I don't know if this is a biological ticking clock thing, but I kind of feel anxious to get going on it, though. I want to honor the woman I will marry, but I'd really like to find her soon. I don't know. God willing, it will be soon.

My sleep schedule is again obliterated. I was actually doing really well in the other timezones, but once I got back to mine, it went to crap again. I'm going to try to fix it this week, but I can never make any guarantees about it. I'm dealing with a cold or something sinus related right now, so I hope that illness pressures my sleep schedule back into order. We'll see.

My birthday is coming up next week. I'm thinking of having a rolling party like I did last year. Last year was probably the best birthday I'd ever had and I really enjoyed just hanging out with everyone. I'd like to see that happen again this year. Hopefully, I'll be able to nail down the details and people will be able to make it. I'm thinking of having it at the ministry house at Jeremy's church, since that would give us more space and require less clean up at my apartment.

Saw Avatar and Princess and the Frog. Avatar freaking rocked and I think everyone should go see it. The plot's not particularly ground-breaking or original, but it works well for the movie. Princess and the Frog is probably the best animated Disney film since Beauty and the Beast. Keep in mind that Beauty and the Beast is my favorite animated Disney film. Princess and the Frog was extremely well done, had a great amount of depth to the characters and to the story, had awesome humor, and had excellent music. Definitely a recommended one from me. Movies that I do not recommend: The Empress and Her Warriors. Not impressed. I rented it hoping it might have good martial arts sequences in it. It lacked much of anything and was horribly melodramatic. I would expect more from a movie with Donnie Yen in it. The Proposal was actually somewhat of a surprise for me. I was expecting classic romantic comedy cheese. It turned out to be refreshingly good, actually. It was still pretty cheesy, but not overly so.

I think that about covers everything. I'm having difficulty thinking of anything else of particular importance. This one probably takes the cake for most tags, though. Anyway, I'm going to bed - I hope. Good night.

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Current Mood: sick sick
Current Music: "Destined for Greatness" -Geoffrey Taucer, prophet of mephisto

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Mon, Jan. 11th, 2010 11:39 am

Okay... So, I've been gone for a little bit. I think I'm going to need to write a huge journal just to explain what all's been happening lately. I don't have the energy to do that at the moment, but I will definitely get back to it.

Current Mood: sleepy sleepy
Current Music: "..." -...

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Wed, Nov. 25th, 2009 08:02 pm

It's getting to be about that time when people have that crazy notion of buying gifts for one another. I know, silly, isn't it? Well, whatever. :P

As is tradition for me now, I've created a wishlist of the things that would be helpful to me or that I've been looking at getting for a while. I do this, not as a means of guilting people into buying me crap, but as a means of providing help for those of you who are already interested in getting me something. If you had no prior motivation to get me anything, and this list now motivates you to do so, I'd ask you to consider the reasons you are doing so before continuing on. A lot of times, the best gift you can give me is a hug or spending time with me. If you feel guilted into buying me something, please don't do it. If gifts are your way of showing that you care and you just need some idea of what to look for, then please continue. After all, the whole point of presents and gifts on Christmas and birthdays is just to show each other love. It has nothing to do with (or rather should not have anything to do with) the greed of receiving everything you wanted all year or satisfying the guilt of not getting someone a gift. If you give, make sure it's for the right reasons.

Anyway, a lot of this should look familiar to those who've seen my previous lists. Much of it is still on there. I added shirt/pants sizes and color preferences, as there tends to be some confusion in that regard. I added a section for video games. I've bolded items that have more weight, in terms of want, if that helps you make a decision if you're uncertain what to get. As usual, if you have any questions about anything, please ask me. I have no issues with spoiled surprises.

I already have some very helpful lists published from Amazon.com, IMDb, and Weaponmasters.com:

Amazon.com wishlist
IMDb list of movies I'd like to buy (DVDs please)
Weaponmasters wishlist

Aside from those, I have some other general things:


--Books-- (preferably unabridged)

The Merry Advantures of Robin Hood by Howard Pyle
Pilgrim's Progress by John Bunyan
The Canterbury Tales by Geoffrey Chaucer
The Ethics of Ambiguity by Simone de Beauvoir
Meditations on First Philosophy by René Descartes
The Republic by Plato
Les Miserablés by Victor Hugo
Robinson Crusoe by Daniel Defoe
Gulliver's Travels by Jonathan Swift
The Science of Discworld I, II, & III by Terry Pratchett
20,000 Leagues Under the Sea by Jules Verne
Around the World in Eighty Days by Jules Verne
Siddartha by Herman Hesse
The Adventures of Tom Saywer by Mark Twain
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
Things Fall Apart by Chenua Achebe
The Hunchback of Notre Dame by Victor Hugo
Person and Personage by Victor Tournier
Infinity and the Mind by Walter Ong
The Cloud of Unknowing by Anonymous
Musicophila by Oliver Sacks
The Three Musketeers (a series of six books) by Alexander Dumas


(For those books that were written in another language, the original language would mean a lot to me, but I also wouldn't be able to read them... use your best judgement...)


--Artwork--

If you want to buy me art, use these two links as a guide of what would fit my tastes...

Paths and Trails on Art.com
Favorites list on deviantART

I'm also looking for frames, but you should talk to me before getting any, as I would need to get the measurements right...


--Music CDs--

Sting - My Funny Valentine (Japanese release/import via Amazon)
Jake Shimabukuro - Dragon
Michael Giacchino - Ratatouille (soundtrack)
Howard Shore - Lord of the Rings soundtracks (all of them)
Turtle Island String Quartet - (anything really, since I don't have any of their albums)
Eric Whitacre - (anything really, since I don't have any of his albums)
Astor Piazzolla - (anything really)
Johann Sebastian Bach - (any organ works)
Stevie Wonder - Innervisions (1973)


CDs that contain...

Poulenc - Three Novelettes For Piano
Ravel - String Quartet in F Major
Ravel - Daphnis et Chloé
Bach - Magnificat
Shostikovich - Piano Concerto No. 2
Debussy - La Mer
Debussy - String Quartet in G minor
Copland - Appalachian Spring
Copland - Arrangement of The Tender Land for orchestra

(If in doubt, look for: the Vienna Philharmonic; the Cleveland Philharmonic; the Academy of St. Martin in the Fields; the Orchestre de la Société des Concerts du Conservatoire; the London Philharmonic; Herbert von Karajan as director; Robert Shaw as director; Dietrich Fisher-Dieskau as a soloist; Deutsche Grammophon label; Naxos label; etc. If you're really in doubt, just come ask me. I won't be too concerned about a spoiled surprise.)


--Music Scores-- (i.e. sheet music)

Poulenc - Three Novelettes For Piano
Debussy - La Mer
Fauré - Pavane
Bach - Magnificat
Shostikovich - Piano Concerto No. 2
Piazzolla - Adios Nonino

(Please talk to me if you want to deal with these.)


--Video Games--

::Nintendo::
A Nintendo (my roommate owns our current one and it will be gone once he gets married)
Super Mario Bros. / Duck Hunt
Super Mario Bros. 2
Super Mario Bros. 3
Tetris
The Legend of Zelda
The Legend of Zelda II: Link's Adventure
Bubble Bobble

::Super Nintendo::
Chrono Trigger
Secret of Mana
Final Fantasy II (IV in Japan)
Final Fantasy III (VI in Japan)
Super Mario RPG
Mario Kart
Mega Man X
Mega Man 7
Aladdin
The Addams Family

::Sega Genesis::
A Sega Genesis
ToeJam and Earl in Panic on Funkotron
Sonic the Hedgehog
Sonic the Hedgehog 2
Sonic the Hedgehog 3
Sonic and Knuckles
Sonic Spinball
Aladdin
Ecco the Dolphin
Quackshot

::Sega CD::
A Sega CD add-on
Sonic CD
Silpheed

::Nintendo 64::
Conker's Bad Fur Day
Banjo-Tooie

::Playstation::
A Playstation
Final Fantasy VII
Final Fantasy VIII
Final Fantasy IX
Xenogears
Chrono Cross
Suikoden
Suikoden 2
Bushido Blade
Bushido Blade 2
Metal Gear Solid
Gran Turismo
Gran Turismo 2
Mega Man 8

::Nintendo GameCube::
A WaveBird Wireless Controller (up to two total, as I already have two and the system only has four ports)
Super Mario Sunshine
Mario Party 4-7
Viewtiful Joe
Viewtiful Joe 2
Crazy Taxi

::Playstation 2::
A Playstation 2
Two wireless PS2 controllers
Final Fantasy X
Final Fantasy XII
Capcom vs. SNK 2
Marvel vs. Capcom 2
Ōkami
Soul Calibur III
Xenosaga Episode I: Der Wille zur Macht
Xenosaga Episode II: Jenseits von Gut und Böse
Xenosaga Episode III: Also sprach Zarathustra

::Nintendo Wii::
A Nintendo Wii
Rayman: Raving Rabbids
Boom Blox
Wii Play
Wii Sports
Wii Fit
Super Mario Galaxy
Super Mario Galaxy 2
Super Smash Bros. Brawl
Worms: A Space Oddity

::XBOX 360::
An XBOX 360 (my roommate owns our current one and it will be gone once he gets married)
Assassin's Creed
Assassin's Creed 2
Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood
Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts & Bolts
Tetris Evolution
Lego Star Wars: The Complete Saga
Star Wars: The Force Unleashed
Soul Calibur IV
Beautiful Katamari
Street Fighter IV

::Playstation 3::
A Playstation 3
LittleBigPlanet
Mirror's Edge
Final Fantasy XIII

::Nintendo DS::
The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks
Mario vs. Donkey Kong 2: March of the Minis
My French Coach
My Japanese Coach
New Super Mario Bros.
Super Dodgeball Brawlers
Tetris DS

::PC::
The Secret of Monkey Island
Monkey Island 2: LeChuck's Revenge
The Curse of Monkey Island
Escape from Monkey Island
Myst III: Exile
Myst IV: Revelation
Myst V: End of Ages
Star Wars Episode I: Pod Racer


--Computer Software / Hardware--

::Software::
Photoshop 7 or above
Finale 2010
Windows 7

::Hardware::
A power cord for a monitor that I bought at Goodwill (VERY helpful)


--Movies--

Please refer to the IMDb list, but here are some highlighted ones...

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (2005)
The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian (2008)
The Dark Knight
Iron Man
King Ralph
Beauty and the Beast (1991, Platinum Edition)
The Teahouse of the August Moon (1956)
Much Ado About Nothing (1993)
Hamlet (1996, Kenneth Branagh)
Eddie Izzard: Glorious


--Practical/Miscellaneous Things--

Gift cards
Money
Swords
Clothes (please ask me first)
- Shirt size = 36/37, 18½-19 collar, X-large (I prefer dress shirts / solid colors, without patterns)
- Pants size = 46 x 31-32 (I prefer slacks / solid, muted colors / usually black, white, tan, and beige)
Black leather bomber jacket
Djembe
Noise-cancelling headphones
Corded power drill (with phillips screwdriver bit, at least)



I figure this is enough to give a good idea of what to look for. PLEASE DO NOT THINK THAT YOU ARE REQUIRED TO GET ME ANYTHING. This is just in case you want to and need an idea of what to look for. That's all. Also, on the linked wishlists might be some rather expensive items. I do not expect anyone to pick those up. Those are on there mostly as wishful thinking.

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Current Mood: accomplished accomplished
Current Music: "..." -...

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Sun, Nov. 8th, 2009 11:58 am

VoicePost
298K 1:28
“Well this was just an update, let's see, had an interesting getting to get to sleep. My leg kept on threaten to ___ horse but finally I managed to get some sleep and I just woke up so far things, the pain is still there but it's definitely decrease, right now I'm feeling a lot of stiffness that's pretty much the look I mean feeling is right now but most of the pain is gone most of it. It still doesn't like it when I do certain you know movements but otherwise it's mostly gone so I'm thinking I can beat this today just have to rest and make sure it's good and don't rush anything that I shouldn't and just you know it stretches them at some point. Anyway so yeah so that's, well somebody ring the door bell and Germany is at church right so that was kind of mean of them whoever they were by the time I finally got out there they were definitely gone but I tried. Well alright that's enough for me today have fun”

Auto-Transcribed Voice Post

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Sat, Nov. 7th, 2009 11:53 pm

VoicePost
573K 2:49
“Well hello there I figured it's kind of a, been a fun interesting day. So I figured it'd be good time to actually do something. So my day started out with my computer's vio(?) card dying sometime in the night and so I have an interview that I was doing today that required my computer use, using my computer to ram(?) scape so I can you know conduct the interview. Anyways so I had to borrow my room mate's laptop which have some issues that kept on causing connect a ___ it's just keeps on stuttering in the middle of the conversation and kinda have to do like turn off the computer and turn it back on and already(?) begin to work again. So that was fun. Got a nice paper cut on a box of oatmeal. Didn't even know that was possible and then later that the day, in the day around 2:30 or so as I was cleaning up after the interview”

Auto-Transcribed Voice Post

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Fri, Nov. 6th, 2009 05:24 pm

One day, long ago
Someone told you to believe
And on you went believing
That you could touch the sky
You believed you could fly
Fly to other worlds
And save the ones you knew
You believed in yourself
You believed it could happen
One day...

Then the dreams, they changed
Deeper dreams and longings
The world no longer pained
Your heart filled to full

One day, not so long ago
Someone told you to grow up
Leave the dreams behind
Find where you belong
You put aside the other worlds
And forgot you could save your own
They were lost in the reality
You believed in nothing
You believed it couldn't happen
One day...

Then the dreams, they came back
Longings at your heart
The world is pained
Your heart needs to be full

One day, maybe yesterday
Someone told you to believe
And you remembered the dreams
That you could touch the sky
You believed you could bring down heaven
To an angry world
You could save this world you knew
You believe in yourself
You believe it can happen
One day...

Then the dreams, they're real
Deeper love and longings
The world no longer pained
Your heart filled to full

Then the dreams, a promise
Deeper joy and longings
The world no longer pained
Your heart fills the world

One day...

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Current Mood: bored bored
Current Music: "..." -...

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Wed, Oct. 21st, 2009 09:49 pm

So, I recently bought an LCD monitor at Goodwill. It was priced at $20 and because of a $10 in-store credit I had, I was able to get it for $10. However, the thing didn't come with a power adapter. Unfortunately, the power adapter is horribly particular and hard to find. I've gone everywhere to try and find a replacement or anything that might work, but it's not been fruitful.

Anyway, it's a Gateway FPD1810 LCD monitor. If you have this same model and have a spare power adapter or a broken monitor that I can salvage the power adapter from, please let me know. I will buy it off you if you are willing to let go of it. Thanks.

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Current Mood: annoyed annoyed
Current Music: "..." -...

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Fri, Sep. 4th, 2009 08:33 pm

One of the difficulties with having eleven years worth of journals on here is that I feel like I am often repeating myself with the things that I need to express on occasion. I spend a lot of time writing about these things, which seem to bubble up from time to time, and there are only so many words that one can throw at one idea before the idea drowns in the explanation. My mind so heavily relies on ideas and concepts that to overstate one is nearly sacrelige. That's not to say that an idea can't be looked at from different angles or approached with a new context, but the introvert that I am screams at the idea of expressing the same thought over and over again.

The way that my mind works is to take and idea or concept, view it from as many different angles as I can imagine or discover, mull it over, try to apply it a little, and then - and only then - make an expression of what I've learned. It frustrates me to no end that the problems that come up in my life time and again require me to express what I've already made my "proclaimations" about, as my brother would put it. It is necessary to my psyche to express what is on my mind because it is the healthy thing to do for my mind and my emotions, but I struggle with what feels like incessant repetition. I want and need to express myself. Yet, I imagine that I am confined by my past expressions.

In truth, I will never be able to express myself the same way twice. I will always have a new perspective and a new context for anything that I might choose to talk about. I am limited by the extent of the English language, unless I decide to start journaling in French - or some other language that I have yet to learn, though I'd then be limited by those languages - but there are no limits to the experiences possible in my life. Any limits are self-imposed, as necessary as some might actually be.

What I need is to convince myself that the expression of my thoughts and feelings outweigh the desire for concise, one-time proclaimations. It's not easy. It goes against the grain of my thought processes, but it is necessary. I hate to sound like a broken record - to dredge up a cliché - but I need to say what I need to say, regardless of whether or not I've said something similar in the past. My psyche is not going to be particularly concerned with what I've written or said before. It's going to be concerned with what it needs to get off it's perverbial chest - to use another cliché.

Anyway, now that I've addressed that, I'll come back later and actually try talking about what's on my mind instead of what's keeping me from talking about what's on my mind. In the meantime, for those who care, this whole rant has been something called "meta-journaling" - or journaling about journaling. This rant is also brought to you by the letters 'k' and 'e' and by support from viewers like you... sorry...

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Current Mood: bored bored
Current Music: "Strawberry Fields" -The Beatles

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Fri, Aug. 14th, 2009 11:42 pm

I began my day not quite as I had invisioned doing so today. I woke up early to the sound of someone hammering or pounding away at something in the upstairs apartment. Normally, I kind of try to ignore it and get back to sleep. As I was trying to do so, I noticed that it was raining. That's usuall a comforting thought to me, but I was confused as to why the sound was coming from the wrong direction. In order to locate the source of the sound, I got up and started moving toward it. I simply couldn't understand why the sound of rain was coming from my door. The moment I opened it, everything became as clear as water. Water dripping down from the top of my door frame. Lots of water.

There was a plumber working on the upstairs unit above us. An old, poorly installed, valve broke on him and he didn't know where the water cut-off for the unit was. So, while he's searching for the cut-off, the water's pouring out of the valve and leaking into the space between the floor and our ceiling. The path that the water took was: down the flood/heat lamp and fan fixture in the bathroom, where the worst of it was; into the light fixture in our hallway, which was sealed from dripping, so I only noticed when the light was a different color than it was before; down the light fixture in the center of my roommate's room; and down from the top of the door frames to both our rooms. Luckily, no irreparable damage was done, with maybe the exception of the carpets and whatever is in the space between the ceiling and the upstairs floor. A cleaner service that the landlord uses was called in to vaccuum up the standing water. So, overall, we're fine. We'll just not be turning on a few lights for a few days.

How was your day?

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Current Music: "..." -...

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Thu, Aug. 6th, 2009 04:00 pm

Time for an update...

The big one right now is that my job ended. Tuesday was my last day. Seeing as how it was temporary to begin with and was only dragged on because they hadn't hired anyone yet, it's not entirely surprising to see the end. The reality is that they finally hired someone, so I'm out a job. He's pretty qualified for the job, so I don't think they're going to crash and burn or anything. He's also a nice guy, so it should work out. However, that does leave me in an awkward position. I now have to find a job again.

Now, I'd been trying to find something full time the entire time that I was working this last job. I liked having the job, but I need full time to get anywhere with my finances. The problem was that I was having large amounts of difficulty finding anything. The economy has gotten better since earlier in the year, but, for all the new jobs that are available, there's still just as many people applying for jobs as before. I don't have the level of experience or highly honed skills to make myself float to the top of a very competative job market. I just need a job, not the high corner office cushy job that one applies for with every ounce of strength. However, it seems like every job is being treated like the cushy job by all these very qualified, very determined people. I don't like the idea of putting someone who's highly qualified and in need out of the job just so I can get in there, but I'd rather not go bankrupt either. Needless to say, this is a problem.

Granted, it's only been two days since my job ended. There's only so much a person can do that amount of time. What I have done is I called up Volt temp services to let them know I was active again. They say that they are better off now then they were the last time I was calling in regularly, so I should have better luck this time around. I have yet to land an assignment with them, so we'll see how this goes. It would be great if they can find something for me right off the bat. I won't hold my breath, though.

In other news, I got a couple of my arrangements released as part of an album on OverClocked ReMix. The album is called "Echoes of Betrayal, Light of Redemption" and it's an arrangement project of music from Final Fantasy IV. I have two pieces included in the album, a string quartet, called "Edward's Dream Quartet," and a nice accordian and jazz ensemble piece. Both turned out surprisingly well. The jazz ensemble piece, called "Kind of Green," was posted on OCR itself and has received a lot of good reviews. I'm hoping that the string quartet soon gets posted on the main site too. Go check it out.

Other than that, I'm not really doing as much music as I want to be. It's been difficult to muster the creative juices necessary, but I'm certainly doing a lot more lately than I have in while. Most of my work right now is project based and mostly arrangements at that. I would like to return to writing some original compositions or even work on my own album, which I've planned, but still haven't gotten to. I suppose I just need to get on it, though.

Speaking of my original music, I'm trying to find someone that would create a generic video that I can put my music over and upload to YouTube. I don't have much money, so I'm mostly looking for someone that would be able to do me a favor in that regard. I'm thinking of putting the request up on the forums of OCR. I figure there might be someone there able and willing to help me out. Before I do that, I'm going to try contacting a few people individually first. We'll see.

Emotionally, I feel drained mostly. I feel very much as I always do when I lack stability and the means to make future plans or deal with immediate needs and pressures. I still feel lonely as before and frustrated with my lack of a love life - though, I don't think I'd want to put a girlfriend through my lack of stability right now anyway. I'm grateful for the friends that I do have and those that continue to remember me, but I do still feel lost. I suppose it's just one of those things where my mind and my heart don't particularly agree with one another. I hope they someday soon manage to align, preferably on being in good spirits. Oh, well.

Anyway, that's about the extent of it for now. I know I should be writing in this thing a lot more than I do. I want to write more. Here's to hope...

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Current Mood: bored bored
Current Music: "..." -...

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Tue, Jun. 16th, 2009 02:10 am

So, uh... I may have nearly tried to kill myself without knowing it. I generally take sleep aids to help me get a full night of rest (or an approximation of it), though I haven't bothered to in the last couple days. Now, with this whole bout of food poison, I've been taking Imodium AD. Turns out there's a moderate risk of a drug interaction between the two and it has been linked with causing a fatal complication in an otherwise healthy patient before. This is something I did not know until a few seconds ago.

As I was about to take the Unisom and go to bed, I thought about how the liquid version of Imodium AD has a little bit of alcohol in it (0.5%, much like NyQuil), which may not do so well with the sleep aid. I actually couldn't find the listing for the liquid version, so I still don't know if that would be the case, but the drugs themselves are problem enough, apparently.

So, until I no longer need the Imodium AD, I'm going to have to try and get some sleep the old fashioned way... or just hope that the 0.5% alcohol helps enough on its own...

In review: Mixing drugs is bad, kids, so don't do it if you're not an actual doctor.

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Sat, Jun. 13th, 2009 09:18 pm

Well, it looks like I went and picked up some food poison the other night. I haven't been doing all that well since. It seems the worst of it has passed, but my main concern right now is dehydration. I've never been all that good at keeping myself hydrated in good health, so this is a bit of a problem. I don't think it's quite at the point were medical intervention is necessary, but I'm definitely going to have to be on top of drinking water or going out and getting those hydration drinks (I'm told that Gatorade et al are not good because they have too much sugar).

Anyway, that's what's going on now.

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Current Mood: sick sick
Current Music: "..." -...

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Sun, May. 3rd, 2009 08:52 pm

Just so there's no confusion, I absolutely love eating fish. I also think that my body, in general, craves Omega-3 fatty acids. However, I just purchased a bottle of Omega-3 supplements, in a kind of gummy drop type form, and I don't think I could handle another one. They're supposed to be flavored in lemon, cherry, and... whatever the other flavor is. Anyway, the smell alone is nauseating and then the aftertaste could take down a horse. It's really bad. I mean it's really bad. At this point, I'd prefer taking the pills or just eating a lot of salmon. Granted, I'd still eat a lot of salmon anyway, if I could afford it, but that's another matter. Anyway, that's all.

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Current Music: "..." -...

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Sat, Apr. 25th, 2009 05:14 am

I know that I'm coming at this day from the wrong end.... Unfortunately, it seems to be a growing trend as of late. Perhaps the trend was already there and it's just resurfacing for a time. Oh, well. It matters little at the moment. I think a lot of this is a reflection of where I feel I am in life. Adrift. Or maybe just coming at the day from the wrong end. It's hard to say really, but I feel like I've lost a sense of anchoring recently. I feel it in my life and I'm not sure I know how to correct it. The odd thing about it is that I think it's actually tied to my work schedule somehow, which boggles me.

Last year, in September, I took the job of cashier/student accounts representative at the business office for WPC. I didn't quite know it then, but I was starting the best job I have had to date. I also didn't know that it would be over three months later. Aside from that, though, I had a full-time schedule working from 8 AM to 5 PM. I felt accomplished, I felt competent, and I felt needed and wanted. I had co-workers who were amazing and awesome people, who, in their way, both cared for me and treated me as their peer.... I'm actually a bit off topic, but I guess I never really processed it.

Anyway, having that job made having a healthy sleep schedule necessary. As a result, I felt my life fill up. I still had all the same problems I always seem to, but, for that time, I felt more human. I came home at the end of the day tired, but not really worn out. I felt like my life was finally somewhat healthy. I haven't really felt like that since. I have a job again, which I do appreciate and enjoy to some extent, but I'm only working three hours a day in the evening for four days out the week. While I really should make myself go to bed at a decent time to wake up in the morning like a normal human being, I don't. Technically speaking, I could go to bed at six o'clock in the morning - much as I probably will tonight/today - before I run into not having enough sleep. I don't have to keep a healthy schedule and thus I don't. At first, I try to go to bed on time, but, each night, it's one hour later than it was last night. Thus the cycle continues.

I think this has a bad effect on me. I've noticed the my creative output has significantly decreased in the last few months, moreso than it has since I graduated. I'm not just talking about musical compositions. I'm talking poetry, drawings, writings, journals, etc. I feel like the energy to pour into these projects is diminished. I feel diminished. My artwork is a great deal of who I am and to have that drop off bothers me greatly. Artwork is an expression of who I am. When I'm not expressing, I've turned inward. I'm imploding.

This isn't the same kind of depression I'm used to. I'm used to being overwhelmed by my circumstances and having impossible odds to work against. I'm used to the depression that says, I have no idea how I'm going to make it through all this. I'm also used to the kind of depression that comes from loneliness. I'm used to feeling mildly abandoned - a sort of communial, but unintentional, abandonment. These kinds of depression are defeated - albeit with a great deal of energy - by self-talk and logic. I don't understand the kind of depression I'm feeling now. It's almost as though my spirit feels bored and would rather just take a nap than do something productive. Meanwhile, the rest of me is drying up and feeling really empty.

Maybe it's as simple as landing a full-time job or finally having my music pay for itself or whatever. I don't know. I don't know what's going to alleviate this. I don't know what steps I need to take to deal with this. I'm not even sure I know how to express this correctly. Whatever the case, I think I'm done for right now. I know I don't always respond promptly, but I do read ever comment I get. I could use some of your thoughts on this. Thanks.

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Current Mood: depressed depressed
Current Music: "..." -...

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Fri, Apr. 3rd, 2009 03:21 pm

I know I haven't spent much time updating my journal. I'm sorry for that. So, just as a way of getting anything down at the moment, I'd like to just recap a few of the more interesting things that have happened so far.

Let's see... to start off, I'm still without a full-time job. However, I did pick up a part time job working for good old Warner doing the ADP technical support job that I did two years ago. Bill, the director of Information Services, called me up, said he'd heard that I was unemployed, and offered me the temporary position. Naturally, I accepted. I have that job until they hire someone full-time. While I have put my application in for the position, it's unlikely that I'll land it unless the top contenders don't accept the offer. I am also receiving unemployment benefits from the state, although it is about $25 less with the temp job. Understandable, really. Plus, I am getting food stamps, so I can be assured of having enough meals to survive. Overall, I'm surviving. I'm not really getting ahead, but I'm not falling too far behind, either.

On a different note, I found a free full-size mattress on Craigslist. I just picked it up today and it is very nice. It's nice and very comfortable. I'm going to sleep very well tonight.

Other than that, there's not a whole lot else that doesn't require more dedicated time to write out. I'll try to set aside some time to do so later on. In the meantime, I'm going to go hang out with my roommate - although we still don't know what we'll be doing yet - and then drop by my brother's work to say hello.

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Current Mood: tired tired
Current Music: "Since You've Been Gone" -Weird Al Yankovich

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Wed, Jan. 14th, 2009 05:33 pm

It's a scary process of trying to narrow down preferences on the important things of life. Lately, I've been coming to grips with the fact that my favorite artist is actually Bob Ross. I like a lot of the classical genres and there are many individual paintings and drawings that I like, but I can get over the fact that Bob Ross' work just makes me feel good. Rest his soul, he's an amazing artist. I appreciate his sense of composition and adaptation/improvisation. His subject matter is often in great taste - though some can be a little hokey. I've never seen any portrature by him, so I can't speak to that. It might be pretty bad, but, for what I've seen, I really enjoy his work.

Anyway, moving on...Collapse )

As I was just looking up a link for the last paragraph, I read an entry in Wikipedia about one disorder that affects the circadian rhythm, which seems to hit really close to home. The disorder is called Non-24-hour sleep-wake syndrome. Kind of a clunky title, but it seems to describe a lot of what I'm going through most of the time, even before I got laid-off. As soon as I can afford a doctor's visit, I might just ask him or her about this.

Well, I suppose that about wraps up my yearly - it seems - update. I really need a job, I have a possible sleeping disorder, I'm freakin' bored, I badly need social contact, and I need money so I can pay my rent and eveything else. Anyway, that's pretty much it. I hope all of you are doing somewhat better.

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Current Mood: bored bored
Current Music: "..." -...

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Sat, Jan. 3rd, 2009 03:27 am

VoicePost
271K 1:22
(no transcription available)

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Fri, Jan. 2nd, 2009 06:17 am

It's 2009! I wonder how long it's going to take to get used to writing '09... Anyway, Happy New Year everyone.

On to a different topic. I came across a question in a survey and I actually had no idea how to answer it. The question was "Are you a genius?" Generally, I've always assumed the answer is a little obvious. You either are or you aren't. I've been told I'm a genius before, yet I I'm not so sure I'd actually consider myself one. Please note that I'm not trying to fish for compliments here. I'm just exploring something. I know that I'm smart and intelligent, but I find it hard to believe that I'd be a genius. I suppose it comes down to a definition of "genius". The definition in my head doesn't necessarily include me or the level that I'm at. When I think of a genius, I think of Albert Einstein, Steven Hawkings, Johann Sebastian Bach, Thomas Jefferson, etc. People who have bettered the world with their minds. I'm going to include a few other definitions here.

Here's what Dictionary.com says about "genius":

"1. an exceptional natural capacity of intellect, especially as shown in creative and original work in science, art, music, etc.: the genius of Mozart.
2. a person having such capacity.
3. a person having an extraordinarily high intelligence rating on a psychological test, as an IQ above 140.
4. natural ability or capacity; strong inclination: a special genius for leadership."

Here's what Wikipedia says about "genius":

"A genius is a person who successfully applies a previously unknown technique in the production of a work of art, science or calculation, or who masters and personalizes a known technique. A genius typically possesses great intelligence or remarkable abilities in a specific subject, or shows an exceptional natural capacity of intellect and/or ability, especially in the production of creative and original work, something that has never been seen or evaluated previously. Traits often associated with genius include strong individuality, imagination, uniqueness, and innovative drive.

The term may be applied to someone who is considered gifted in many subjects or in one subject.

Although the term 'genius' is sometimes used to denote the possession of a superior talent in any field, e.g. a particular sport or statesmanship, it has traditionally been understood to denote an exceptional natural capacity of intellect and creative originality in areas of art, literature, philosophy, music, language, science and mathematics."

I think the main problem for me is simply that my perspective is far too subjective to accurately answer the question. Maybe I am. Maybe I'm just normal. I just don't know.

Anyway, who/what do you think as "genius"?

Tags:
Current Mood: curious curious
Current Music: "Yellow Valkyrie" - DarkeSword

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Sun, Dec. 14th, 2008 03:15 pm

It's always rather interesting to wake up to snow. Compared to other parts of the world, it's probably not that impressive, but, to Portland, it's a veritable blizzard. I haven't yet seen the news, so I don't know how much people are freaking out yet, but the streets are pretty quiet and there's little to disturb the scenery. I was going to have lunch at a little restaurant that's just across the street, but I found that the dining room was closed. The bar section was still open, but I didn't really want to get smoked out and I had no guarantees that I would be able to get a decent meal instead of just bar food, so I just went home and ate some food I'd picked up at Walgreen's earlier.

I'm thankful that I don't have to be anywhere at this time or I imagine my take on the snow would be a little less appreciative. As it is, though, I like seeing the snow and I just hope that people stay safe and non-idiotic out there on the roads. I'm curious to see how this week turns out. The Weather Channel supposedly puts the lows around 9°F for this week. I kind of doubt that it will get there, but I also doubted that there would be this much snow. Who knows? Maybe it will. It would kind of suck for our electric bill, but it would certainly be interesting.

Just as a side note, I'm not certain how to interpret a few loud popping noises that I'm hearing outside. Normally, I'd think they were fireworks, but I've also been told that the sound tree branches make when they fall off in cold weather is similiar. It could also be a car accident, but it seemed to low in the frequency range. Any thoughts?

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Current Mood: mellow mellow
Current Music: "..." -...

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Sun, Nov. 23rd, 2008 12:23 pm

It's getting close to that time of year again. As a courtesy to those that might feel inclined to look for a present for me, I put up this list as a guide to finding something that probably won't get stuffed away in a closet for years before ending up in a donation box at Goodwill. Now, by putting this up, please know that you are not required to buy me anything. This is not me saying that I cannot live without having my wishlist fulfilled. All this is here for is to help those that are already looking. Don't feel obligated and don't feel guilted into getting me anything. In most cases, just being able to hang out with you is pretty good in itself. I'm not that difficult to please, for the most part. :P

I already have some very helpful lists published from Amazon.com, IMDb, and Weaponmasters.com:

Amazon.com wishlist
IMDb list of movies I'd like to buy (DVDs please)
Weaponmasters wishlist

Aside from those, I have some other general things:


--Books-- (preferably unabridged)

The Merry Advantures of Robin Hood by Howard Pyle
Pilgrim's Progress by John Bunyan
The Canterbury Tales by Geoffrey Chaucer
The Ethics of Ambiguity by Simone de Beauvoir
Meditations on First Philosophy by René Descartes
The Free Choice of the Will by Augustine of Hippo
The Republic by Plato
Les Miserablés by Victor Hugo
Robinson Crusoe by Daniel Defoe
Gulliver's Travels by Jonathan Swift
The Science of Discworld I, II, & III by Terry Pratchett
20,000 Leagues Under the Sea by Jules Verne
Around the World in Eighty Days by Jules Verne
Siddartha by Herman Hesse
The Adventures of Tom Saywer by Mark Twain
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
Things Fall Apart by Chenua Achebe
The Hunchback of Notre Dame by Victor Hugo
Person and Personage by Victor Tournier
Infinity and the Mind by Walter Ong
The Cloud of Unknowing by Anonymous
Musicophila by Oliver Sacks
The Three Musketeers (a series of six books) by Alexander Dumas


(For those books that were written in another language, the original language would mean a lot to me, but I also wouldn't be able to read them... use your best judgement...)


--Artwork--

If you want to buy me art, use these two links as a guide of what would fit my tastes...

Paths and Trails on Art.com
Favorites list on deviantART

I'm also looking for frames, but you should talk to me before getting any, as I would need to get the measurements right...


--Music CDs--

Sting - My Funny Valentine (Japanese release/import via Amazon)
Sting - Sacred Love
Jake Shimabukuro - Dragon
Michael Giacchino - Ratatouille (soundtrack)
Howard Shore - Lord of the Rings soundtracks (all of them)
Turtle Island String Quartet - (anything really, since I don't have any of their albums)
Eric Whitacre - (anything really, since I don't have any of his albums)
Astor Piazzolla - (anything really)
Johann Sebastian Bach - (any organ works)
Stevie Wonder - Hotter than July (1980)
Stevie Wonder - Innervisions (1973)


CDs that contain...

Poulenc - Three Novelettes For Piano
Ravel - String Quartet in F Major
Ravel - Daphnis et Chloé
Bach - Mass in B minor
Bach - Magnificat
Shostikovich - Piano Concerto No. 2
Debussy - La Mer
Debussy - String Quartet in G minor
Copland - Appalachian Spring
Copland - Arrangement of The Tender Land for orchestra

(If in doubt, look for: the Vienna Philharmonic; the Cleveland Philharmonic; the Academy of St. Martin in the Fields; the Orchestre de la Société des Concerts du Conservatoire; the London Philharmonic; Herbert von Karajan as director; Robert Shaw as director; Dietrich Fisher-Dieskau as a soloist; Deutsche Grammophon label; Naxos label; etc. If you're really in doubt, just come ask me. I won't be too concerned about a spoiled surprise.)


--Music Scores-- (i.e. sheet music)

Poulenc - Three Novelettes For Piano
Debussy - La Mer
Brahms - Ein Deutsche Requiem
Fauré - Pavane
Bach - Magnificat
Shostikovich - Piano Concerto No. 2
Piazzolla - Adios Nonino

(Please talk to me if you want to deal with these.)


--Movies--

Please refer to the IMDb list, but here are some highlighted ones...

1776
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (2005)
The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian (2008)
The Dark Knight
Iron Man
King Ralph
Keeping the Faith
Beauty and the Beast (1991, Platinum Edition)
The Teahouse of the August Moon (1956)
Much Ado About Nothing (1993)
Hamlet (1996, Kenneth Branagh)


--Practical/Miscellaneous Things--

Gift cards
Money
Swords
Clothes (please ask me first)
Black leather bomber jacket
Djembe
Portable MP3 player
Noise-cancelling headphones
Corded power drill (with phillips screwdriver bit, at least)



I figure this is enough to give a good idea of what to look for. PLEASE DO NOT THINK THAT YOU ARE REQUIRED TO GET ME ANYTHING. This is just in case you want to and need an idea of what to look for. That's all. Also, on the linked wishlists might be some rather expensive items. I do not expect anyone to pick those up. Those are on there mostly as wishful thinking.

Tags: , ,
Current Mood: busy busy
Current Music: "Tattered Slippers" -DarkeSword

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Thu, Nov. 13th, 2008 10:30 pm

VoicePost
379K 1:53
“Well, it's about 10:25. It's kinda late. I just really shouldn't be up but I am anyway. Just a few things. I just got ___ 2009 which is beautiful and rather lovely and I'm very excited about that. Other than that I am just you know going through life working trying to prepare for whatever you know grab to school and that kind of stuff even though I really haven't done a whole lot that I should, just professing(?) as usual. Anyway let's see, ok, that I don't know it's just it's kinda hard to think about the stuff that ___ a lot it's pree(?) considering now, how long I've been in LiveJournal. It's tough to come up with something to talk about that hasn't already appeared time and time again. So I don't know. I mean I can talk about the stuff that's gone like the the Journal or not Journal you know just the standard you know this happened and that happened and to a certain degree that's that's fine it's good to ___ kind of stuff. But at the same time you, I mean how much of that can you read really. So anyway I hope I get it done. Alrighty. Good night.”

Auto-Transcribed Voice Post

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Tue, Nov. 4th, 2008 10:04 pm

Let us remember that today is the making of history. Yes, we have voted into office our first African-American President of the United States of America. More importantly though, the nation, as a whole, is now taking its first steps into a period of transition. This transition will be one of the most remarkable changes our nation has made for generations. The face of our country will never be the same. However, we will not know what that change will look like before it happens. Let us remember that, regardless of who we voted for, we are Americans. We have all chosen. Now is the time to act. I do not believe in blindly following whoever is in charge, but I believe in supporting and encouraging that leader to make the right decisions and the right judgements. We are Americans. Let us remember that always. Remember that what makes us American is not who we voted for, but how we act come the day after. We are the People of the United States of America. Let us remember that always. Our President now needs us to help him serve the nation to the best of his abilities and to the best of ours. Regardless of who you voted for, he is now our President.

God bless Barack Obama, elected 44th President of the United States of America. May he guide the People in wisdom and in truth. May we guide him in righteousness and integrity. And may the world be impacted for the better from our pursuits.

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Current Mood: contemplative contemplative
Current Music: "Hail to the Chief" -Sir Walter Scott and James Sanderson

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Sat, Oct. 11th, 2008 05:40 am

The reason that I'm awake so early is because my body decided it hated me and gave me a Charlie-horse and has been threatening to give me another in my other leg. This comes at the end of a couple days of what I'm assuming is mild food poisoning. I'm assuming this because, for the last several days, I've been feeling queasy with a dull, achy pain in my intestinal regions. The dull, achy pain has diminished somewhat due to the fact that I might have located the source: slightly expired milk. When I say slightly, I mean it. It's barely a few days past the expiration date. I've been using it everyday for my breakfasts - which have increased in importance for me - and assumed that it would last long enough to finish it off. Apparently, it didn't agree. So, I'm going to dump the rest and buy a new gallon that is, hopefully, with a much farther away expiration date. Unfortunately, Walgreen's doesn't open for another two or three hours.

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Current Mood: uncomfortable uncomfortable

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Wed, Oct. 8th, 2008 11:50 am

In a rare move on my part, I've been watching the political debates going on between McCain and Obama. Now, I usually hate politics in general and avoid them like the plague. However, I'm finding that I need to be more informed in my decision come November 4th. Truth be told, I don't like either candidate.

I'm still a young voter, but I've been aware of many presidential campaigns in my lifetime - Bush Sr. vs. Clinton, Clinton vs. Dole, Gore vs. Bush, Bush vs. Kerry, and now Obama vs. McCain. I did vote in the Bush vs. Kerry election, but I feel that my vote was, by most measures, insincere. I've also heard many say that I should not vote for either candidate if I don't like either one of them - i.e. not vote - or to vote for a third party candidate. Problem is, I don't like any of the third party candidates either and I don't want to avoid what should be my responsibility to vote.

I am by definition an undecided voter. However, I can already see my tendencies forming after having watched both presidential debates and the vice-presidential debate.Collapse )

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Current Mood: working working
Current Music: "..." -...

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Mon, Oct. 6th, 2008 08:52 am

The results from the POA Competition have come back. I did not win. Don't really surprise me a whole lot, but it still isn't fun not winning. Anyway, I requested the critiques from the judges, so we'll see if they have any constructive advice for getting better.

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Current Music: "..." -...

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Fri, Sep. 26th, 2008 08:22 pm

It's difficult for me to consider my music at a level of being professional. I know that I work hard at it and that I have received a lot of praise for it, but there's just that boundary between making music because it's the extension of my soul to making music to bought and paid for. It's one thing to receive a commission, where a piece of music is written to the specifications of the client. It becomes more of a service and is a little more justifiable. However, taking the music that I have written because I want to and because I need to and then selling it has always seemed difficult to me.

One of my main philosophies concerning music is that I am not willing to write something that I am not willing to listen to. In fact, the way in which I write music involves so much listening to what I'm writing, that it would be nearly impossible to continue writing if I didn't like it. Granted, my tastes in music will change gradually over time and many of the pieces that I've written will fall off my palette. Many times, I find that they'll fall off and come back on years later. Ultimately, this means that I don't write for a very large audience. Specifically, I write for an audience of one... me.

I think partially that I'm terribly afraid my tastes in music are so divergent from the tastes of other people. This makes the idea of attempting to sell music to people like trying to sell them things that they don't want. I'm not enough of a superstar that I can just make people buy whatever hopeless drivel I shove down their throats. I'm also concerned about my integrity. I don't want to charge people for something they don't think is worth it. Then again, how do I know if something is not going to sell or not worth it unless it's available to buy?

Another problem I'm up against is that classical music is not really that popular. Sub-consciously, it's everywhere and it's used for everything from commercials to movies to background music in elevators, etc. However, in the forefront of most people - at least most people that I've come across - has not been a willingness to go out and buy a CD that is strictly classical music. Classical musicians will, yes, but not very many lay people do unless they're of an earlier generation. The "cool" kids on the street are not going to crowd the release party of a new recording of Bach's Cello Suites - not unless they just want the free food or booze.

I'm also running against my own personal history. I have written well over ninety pieces of music in the last five years or so. I've placed most of them on my personal website and on Soundclick. All of them have been available for free. Considering the quality of what I have posted, I feel that anything I ask people to pay for must be extraordinary and the highest quality I can write. Short of having a professional orchestra on hand to play every piece of mine, I don't feel like I've been able to write at that level yet. And so, every new piece that I've written has been posted for free. And I don't like the idea of making someone pay for something that is available for free.

As an aspiring professional composer, I really don't have a whole lot to show to someone when they ask me for a sample of my work. I can point out several of my pieces and say, listen to this, but it's all haphazard and not really coherent, in terms of an appropriate sample of my music. I've attempted assembling a number of my pieces into "albums", which I could then sell or show together. My attempts haven't been successful - often for reasons I mentioned above.

In the last few months, I've been playing with the idea of creating a set of music specifically designed for the purpose of an album. Instead of trying to piece together a bunch of random pieces, I'd write all new pieces in a coherent fashion that together created a collective whole of an album. How different is this from writing a symphony or a suite? Not a whole lot, really. The album is the modern contribution to the musical forms. The only difference is that an album is determined by the number of tracks and the capacity of the medium it's on.

In my case, it will be enough to fit on a single CD - without too much left over and without too much over the limit of the CD. At this point in my career, I don't have an orchestra on standby to record all my pieces, so I'm going to have to do the best I can with samples - particularly Garritan Personal Orchestra, unless I can't get someone in my network to record it with better samples.

What I wish I could say is that from this point on, I'm going to write one piece every month and, by the end of ten to twelve months, I'll have an album. I have a feeling it's not going to work that way. Truth be told, I'm probably going to get inspired at some point - I'd love for it to be tomorrow of even tonight - to write a good section of the album. The rest will linger a little until I get another boost. And the process will continue as such. It's kind of the curse of an artist. I can try to rush it, but it will sound like crap, so I'd rather not - especially if I'm going to ask people to pay for it.

Simply put, all this was my long-winded way of letting everyone know that I'm going to be working on an album that I intend to sell - hopefully with great success. I'll try to keep up-to-date with the progress on it as I go.

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Current Mood: hopeful hopeful
Current Music: "..." ...

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Wed, Aug. 27th, 2008 11:08 am

So, I had two interviews this week. One was at Warner for a position at the business office. The other is a position that Volt had me try out for. Both are full time, nine to five, administrative positions. They're both temporary positions, but still either one would be nice. What's really cool is that I probably have a good shot of at least getting one of them. The one that Volt set up pays more, so I'd be taking that one if it were offered. The Warner one would also be great. I know the people there and I know the atmosphere well enough. It just doesn't pay as much as the other one. However, both would pay more than I'm making right now. Also, both are relatively nearby, instead of out at the airport. Warner is, well Warner, so that's close - the 4 still sucks though. The other one is right off of the 17, which goes right in front of my house. It takes about fifteen minutes to get there. It's wonderful. Plus, both would need me to start within the next week. Basically, I could be gone and away from security very, very soon. Hallelujah!

In other news, I need to get cracking on my composition for one of my contests. The deadline is September 15, so I don't have a lot of time left. I've been struggling to write anything lately, what with my job situation as it is currently. I'm hoping I can take some time this weekend to put it together. With the prospect of a new job, it may end up being actually possible to pull it off. Stress and composition are not easily partnered.

Other than that, I'm really tired. I've not gotten a lot of sleep in the last couple days. I think in the last forty-eight hours, I've had about seven non-consecutive hours of sleep. Having a day job will be a major relief on that end. I've just not been able to sleep during the day very effectively. Even the Unisom isn't helping as much anymore. Although, if I get the downtown one, they'd want me to start on Friday. That means I'd be leaving the airport to go right to work. So, that will be a little hard. Totally worth it, though.

So, could you tell that this has mostly been about my potential future employment?

Update (8-28-08): I got the Warner job. I just need to hear back from the downtown one, which will be hopefully some time today. Either way... NO MORE SECURITY!!! Hmm... out of context, that doesn't sound so good. :P

Update 2 (8-28-08): Okay, so I didn't get my first choice, but that's okay. I'll now be working for Warner! I called in to let them know I accepted the position. I also called to my operations manager to let him know that I resigned. I had to leave a message, but I'm sure I'll be getting a call at some point. I let him know that tonight would be my last night on the job. As for the new job at Warner, I start on Tuesday - Monday being Labor Day and all. Yay!

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Current Mood: sleepy sleepy
Current Music: "..." -...

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Wed, Jul. 30th, 2008 09:41 am

There are certain people in my life that I sort of just assumed would always be there. People like my mom or my brother. Granted, I'm well aware of the fact that mortality is something that we cannot escape, save intervention from God. It's just that the mind constructs around these people as though they are pillars of an unshakeable foundation rooted in the core of the Earth itself. It is no wonder then that the loss of one of these pillars is so unbelievable that the mind simply does not comprehend it's absense. To think that someone so essential to the framing of the mind can die defies the structure of it all. The mind protects its structures and reinforces them at every step. That is, until the step falls out from under it.

I say all this because I have had one of my pillars die this morning. My uncle Frank, or "Corky" as we always called him, passed away from the leukemia he's been battling for the last couple years or so. To say I didn't see this coming would be foolish and immature, but, at the same time, he's been one of those constants in my life. I just never really considered his mortality as part of my reality. Now that he's gone, I'm more shocked than anything. I'm very sad, but I don't think I've fully comprehended it yet. I think there's a whole lot more I'm going to have to deal with later.

This is not the first time someone close to me has died. At any given moment, I could name off a dozen people while still forgetting to mention several more. One of my first - of many - thoughts this morning was a concern that I was getting too accustomed to death. I think I am prone to stuff away my emotions or shove them in directions - such as art - that may bottleneck later, instead of letting them take their course or deal with them directly. Most of the time, I think I do it because it's inconvenient to take the appropriate time to deal with the grief and other emotions. The truth is death is always inconvenient. There are good things about death - such as relief from suffering - that make death's timing a little easier to bare, but there are always unfinished projects, unfinished conversations and laughs, and unfinished dreams. There is always something that needs to be done instead of grieving. There's always work and jobs and there will always be the art of keeping up appearences. And yes, these are things which can't simply be shoved aside. It's far easier to put away the emotions for a better time - which never does come, by the way. It should be no surprise, then, that I was at first very tempted to shut away my feelings and try to live out the rest of the day until I could figure out what I thought about the whole thing.

I would like to keep from bottling up my emotions over my uncle's death. I wish I could take a few days off work - although I probably could with this excuse - to really meditate on it, but I know that I will just have to go back again eventually. Seeing as how I'm working graveyard currently, I can probably get away with my meditation there. Not that the setting is particularly appealing, but it's what I've got at the moment. At the same time, I'm not entirely sure I know what it means to deal with it. I don't think anyone can really answer that one, though. I'm sure there are many books out there by very smart and intelligent psychologists and philosophers on the matter, but I think it comes down to each person differently. I've got to find out what it means for myself. I just know that bottling it up won't cut it.

In the meantime, I - like the good musician I am - have started by turning to music. I'm currently listening to Gabriel Fauré's Requiem, which has greatly helped me in the past. Music scholars often refer to it as the "Lullaby Requiem" because of the calm and lyrical feel it has. I prefer it to all the other major requiems written for almost his exact reason. It seems a more mature approach at dealing with death than the usually violent or grandiose settings of Verdi or Mozart or even Britten. They're all wonderfull pieces of music, but Fauré's seems the most... healthy, for lack of a better word.

Anyway, for those of you who find prayer an appropriate response, please be praying for my uncle's family - especially his wife, children, and his children's families - and my mom and my other uncle - who are probably taking this particularly hard. Thanks.

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Current Mood: sad sad
Current Music: "Requiem - Offertoire" -Gabriel Fauré

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Sat, Jul. 19th, 2008 03:36 am

Here's where I stand at this moment. I've been working at my job for two years now. I have never wanted - and had reason - to quit than I do now. However, I need to pay rent, so I can't do anything until I get a new job. I had attempted applying at T-Mobile, but missed the mark in the interview. Now, I've applied - and been accepted - with Volt, which is a temp agency. Thankfully, my skill-set is very easy to place for a clerical position - which is what I want - and I'm practically guaranteed nothing under $10 an hour. The problem is just placing me in a good location. So, I'm waiting to hear on that. Until then, I'm still at my site.

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In other news, my concert with the Rain City Symphony will be on March 11, 2009. The location and ticket prices haven't really been announced, but, if you will be in Seattle around then, please think of dropping in on the concert. There's also a dress rehearsal on March 4, 2009 if you can't make it to the main one. This will be the world premiere for my piece "Awaiting Halcyon". I'll post more details as I get them.

I could go on about what else is happening in my life right now, but I'm falling asleep. I'm trying to adjust my sleep pattern before I start my first grave shift on Sunday night. It's not working all that well. If I can't stay awake until at least 6 AM tomorrow, then I'll be pretty screwed.

Good night.

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Current Mood: sleepy sleepy
Current Music: "..." -...

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Sat, Jul. 12th, 2008 03:57 pm

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“So this is day 5 in the week from hell. Apparently I am working 6 days in a row for Todd and me overtime because of the scheduling yeah. So over the 4th of July one of my co workers had taken the weekend off because of military stuff and so in order to cover for that I had to work Tuesday and Wednesday which means that I'm working from Tuesday till Sunday without any breaks and all sorts of fun. Anyway I'm gonna go now have fun.”

Auto-Transcribed Voice Post

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Mon, Jun. 9th, 2008 03:05 pm

My heart burns over so insignificant of things
For a small grain of guilt, my mind trembles
Over a word spoken out of place
Over an action that no one noticed
Over a thought that affected no one
And here I am, ashamed
Why?
My guilt is not over some grevious sin
My pain is not for some horrendous wrong
My suffering is not over evil and spite
It's over nothing
A word, an action, a thought
Why?
Images - vivid and searing - in my brain
A word that would be laughed about by anyone else
An action that would be joked about later
A thought that few would even pay attention to
I've remembered them all
Why?
Why must I be crippled over this?
Why should I be in pain for so little?
These words mean nothing!
These actions are just moments in time!
These thoughts are gone in a instant!
The past is the past
Leave it be!
Why?
Why must I suffer for so little?...

Tags:
Current Music: "..." -...

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Mon, May. 19th, 2008 01:06 am

a) Tell you why I friended you.
b) Associate you with something - fandom, a song, a colour, a photo, etc.
c) Tell you something I like about you.
d) Tell you a memory I have of you.
e) Ask something I've always wanted to know about you.
f) Tell you my favorite user pic of yours.
g) In return, you must post this in your LJ.

(As violently demanded by samhobbits :P )

Current Mood: sleepy sleepy
Current Music: "..." -...

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