I suppose if I claim that an update is coming, I should probably follow through with it. Well, as I said, I have a lot happen lately that's probably worth noting. The trick is organizing it all into meaningful chunks that won't choke my readers.

I guess I'll start with music. The biggest news I have in this department is that Troy and I composed the soundtrack to a new iPhone game, called Trenches, that came out over Christmas. This is a legitimate, for-pay project that we worked on - i.e. resume material. This is seriously a good step in the right direction. I now have contacts with a game developer that could potentially mean more professional projects. Also, I now have credits that I can take to any other developer and basically say that I have proof of being able to produce quality music for a professional game. It's a door-opener for sure. It doesn't mean that I'll have developers beating down my door to get me on their project, but it's one more tool toward my primary goal. I'm also in talks with OverClocked ReMix about posting the Trenches EP on their site. They approached me about it and the developer was cool with it, so it's just a matter of getting everything together.

I was interviewed on Nitro Game Injection, where I unveiled my involvement with Trenches, as well as talked shop about music, games, and ReMixing. I've been involved in a lot of ReMixing projects this last year and the trend seems to continue into this year. I was involved with the release of "Echoes of Betrayal, Light of Redemption" - a Final Fantasy IV arrangement album - and "Humans & Gears" - a Xenogears arrangement album. I find myself now on arrangement albums for Seiken Densetsu 3, Lufia 1 & 2, lesser known RPGs, Final Fantasy IX, and the works of game composer Tim Follin. Thankfully, my work on all but the Final Fantasy IX is roughly complete, but this is not counting the numerous invitations to projects that I've been getting lately. I'm feeling a little worn thin. If it weren't for my love of Final Fantasy IX, I probably wouldn't have taken that one on. However, chances are, if someone approaches me with an invitation for a Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, or Mega Man 3 project, I might just be willing to commit musical suicide/overdose for that.

Speaking of OverClocked ReMix, I attended one of the largest meetups for the OCR crowd at MAGFest in Alexandria, Virginia on New Years. This was my third year trying and I finally made it out there. It was such a blast and I'm so thankful I got to go. I got to meet people that I've been working with for years on OCR in person and make connections with more OCR folks. The most awesome thing is that OCR people are way cooler and way nicer in person even than they already are over the internet. I almost can't count the number of times I was blessed and helped out during MAGFest by so many different people. It nearly didn't happen again this year, but, thanks to all those people, I was able to have a great time. One of the reasons I was able to go is because I had made plans to visit my mom for Christmas, out in Tennessee. One of the OCR guys going to MAGFest lives in Tennessee and was willing to carpool.

Christmas with Mom was an experience, to say the least. I enjoyed myself and had a great time with my family. There's a bit of a culture shock going in, I think. I wasn't really prepared for how much everyone eats pork down there. I was really craving turkey when I got back. Anyway, I got to meet my new sister - via foster care. She's seventeen. She has some issues that she needs to work through, but she's a good person at heart and I think she's finally in the right place with my mom and Wes. I look forward to seeing what becomes of her.

Financially, I'm still in a pretty hard place. I've been getting positions with Adecco and they've been really looking out for me, but the economy is still rather rough. I'm eagerly awaiting my W2s so I can file my taxes and maybe get a good return. Hopefully, there won't be any silliness that I could do without. Student loan debt still hangs as heavy as ever over my head and some of it comes off deferment fairly soon. I'm not happy about that. I'm hoping to get back on food stamps sometime this week. They expired at the end of November and I had made too much during November to claim benefits. Since I only made unemployment during December, I should be eligible to claim again. I tried to grab an application today, as it was closing, but the security guard wasn't willing to grab one for me - which was roughly three feet away. I'm going to try again tomorrow/today.

I still would like to get into grad school. This is heavily tied into my finances, though. If I'm able to land a job in time to have application fees, I'll try again this year. If not, I'm just going to have to wait longer. It's already too late for any of the December application dates, but places like Ithaca College and few others have later dates. I hope I can land those. The trick is going to be getting the appropriate recommendations, considering how long I've been out of my undergrad. I have a few people I need to get back into contact with.

I'm finding it much difficult to keep friends out of college. I'm thankful for my friends who have remembered me and remained loyal, such as Maria and Jeremy, but I miss knowing and hanging out with a wide variety of friends. Lately, I've come to appreciate my relationship with my brother and Martina a lot more than I unknowingly have in the past. However, his job keeps his really busy almost constantly and I rarely get a chance to hang out with him. I greatly appreciate my online friendships, but typed words can only go so far. MAGFest was great for my online friendships, but I am only likely to see these guys and girls one or twice a year. That doesn't account for all the other days in the year that I'm mostly by myself. I suppose, put plainly, I'm just rather lonely and I feel marginalized most of the time. I've written about this particular feeling on numerous occasions, so I'll leave that there for now.

I am still single. No surprise there. I still wish I weren't, yet I still feel I am unprepared for a girlfriend. I especially feel unprepared financially. It's not so much that I feel like a girlfriend is only going to be concerned about money, but I want to show her that I can contribute to the financial stability of a potential marriage. Basically, this would be cured with a stable job. However, as before mentioned, the economy sucks. I don't know if I'm emotionally ready. I almost feel I am, but I have no idea how to determine that, short of getting into a relationship. I imagine I'm going to have to learn a lot of things as we go along and I think that kind of growth is probably good for me, but I won't know what or how or even if it will be detrimental to the relationship I'm in when I do that kind of growing. I simply don't know. I don't know if this is a biological ticking clock thing, but I kind of feel anxious to get going on it, though. I want to honor the woman I will marry, but I'd really like to find her soon. I don't know. God willing, it will be soon.

My sleep schedule is again obliterated. I was actually doing really well in the other timezones, but once I got back to mine, it went to crap again. I'm going to try to fix it this week, but I can never make any guarantees about it. I'm dealing with a cold or something sinus related right now, so I hope that illness pressures my sleep schedule back into order. We'll see.

My birthday is coming up next week. I'm thinking of having a rolling party like I did last year. Last year was probably the best birthday I'd ever had and I really enjoyed just hanging out with everyone. I'd like to see that happen again this year. Hopefully, I'll be able to nail down the details and people will be able to make it. I'm thinking of having it at the ministry house at Jeremy's church, since that would give us more space and require less clean up at my apartment.

Saw Avatar and Princess and the Frog. Avatar freaking rocked and I think everyone should go see it. The plot's not particularly ground-breaking or original, but it works well for the movie. Princess and the Frog is probably the best animated Disney film since Beauty and the Beast. Keep in mind that Beauty and the Beast is my favorite animated Disney film. Princess and the Frog was extremely well done, had a great amount of depth to the characters and to the story, had awesome humor, and had excellent music. Definitely a recommended one from me. Movies that I do not recommend: The Empress and Her Warriors. Not impressed. I rented it hoping it might have good martial arts sequences in it. It lacked much of anything and was horribly melodramatic. I would expect more from a movie with Donnie Yen in it. The Proposal was actually somewhat of a surprise for me. I was expecting classic romantic comedy cheese. It turned out to be refreshingly good, actually. It was still pretty cheesy, but not overly so.

I think that about covers everything. I'm having difficulty thinking of anything else of particular importance. This one probably takes the cake for most tags, though. Anyway, I'm going to bed - I hope. Good night.

Okay... So, I've been gone for a little bit. I think I'm going to need to write a huge journal just to explain what all's been happening lately. I don't have the energy to do that at the moment, but I will definitely get back to it.

It's getting to be about that time when people have that crazy notion of buying gifts for one another. I know, silly, isn't it? Well, whatever. :P

As is tradition for me now, I've created a wishlist of the things that would be helpful to me or that I've been looking at getting for a while. I do this, not as a means of guilting people into buying me crap, but as a means of providing help for those of you who are already interested in getting me something. If you had no prior motivation to get me anything, and this list now motivates you to do so, I'd ask you to consider the reasons you are doing so before continuing on. A lot of times, the best gift you can give me is a hug or spending time with me. If you feel guilted into buying me something, please don't do it. If gifts are your way of showing that you care and you just need some idea of what to look for, then please continue. After all, the whole point of presents and gifts on Christmas and birthdays is just to show each other love. It has nothing to do with (or rather should not have anything to do with) the greed of receiving everything you wanted all year or satisfying the guilt of not getting someone a gift. If you give, make sure it's for the right reasons.

Anyway, a lot of this should look familiar to those who've seen my previous lists. Much of it is still on there. I added shirt/pants sizes and color preferences, as there tends to be some confusion in that regard. I added a section for video games. I've bolded items that have more weight, in terms of want, if that helps you make a decision if you're uncertain what to get. As usual, if you have any questions about anything, please ask me. I have no issues with spoiled surprises.

I already have some very helpful lists published from Amazon.com, IMDb, and Weaponmasters.com:

Amazon.com wishlist
IMDb list of movies I'd like to buy (DVDs please)
Weaponmasters wishlist

Aside from those, I have some other general things:


--Books-- (preferably unabridged)

The Merry Advantures of Robin Hood by Howard Pyle
Pilgrim's Progress by John Bunyan
The Canterbury Tales by Geoffrey Chaucer
The Ethics of Ambiguity by Simone de Beauvoir
Meditations on First Philosophy by René Descartes
The Republic by Plato
Les Miserablés by Victor Hugo
Robinson Crusoe by Daniel Defoe
Gulliver's Travels by Jonathan Swift
The Science of Discworld I, II, & III by Terry Pratchett
20,000 Leagues Under the Sea by Jules Verne
Around the World in Eighty Days by Jules Verne
Siddartha by Herman Hesse
The Adventures of Tom Saywer by Mark Twain
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
Things Fall Apart by Chenua Achebe
The Hunchback of Notre Dame by Victor Hugo
Person and Personage by Victor Tournier
Infinity and the Mind by Walter Ong
The Cloud of Unknowing by Anonymous
Musicophila by Oliver Sacks
The Three Musketeers (a series of six books) by Alexander Dumas


(For those books that were written in another language, the original language would mean a lot to me, but I also wouldn't be able to read them... use your best judgement...)


--Artwork--

If you want to buy me art, use these two links as a guide of what would fit my tastes...

Paths and Trails on Art.com
Favorites list on deviantART

I'm also looking for frames, but you should talk to me before getting any, as I would need to get the measurements right...


--Music CDs--

Sting - My Funny Valentine (Japanese release/import via Amazon)
Jake Shimabukuro - Dragon
Michael Giacchino - Ratatouille (soundtrack)
Howard Shore - Lord of the Rings soundtracks (all of them)
Turtle Island String Quartet - (anything really, since I don't have any of their albums)
Eric Whitacre - (anything really, since I don't have any of his albums)
Astor Piazzolla - (anything really)
Johann Sebastian Bach - (any organ works)
Stevie Wonder - Innervisions (1973)


CDs that contain...

Poulenc - Three Novelettes For Piano
Ravel - String Quartet in F Major
Ravel - Daphnis et Chloé
Bach - Magnificat
Shostikovich - Piano Concerto No. 2
Debussy - La Mer
Debussy - String Quartet in G minor
Copland - Appalachian Spring
Copland - Arrangement of The Tender Land for orchestra

(If in doubt, look for: the Vienna Philharmonic; the Cleveland Philharmonic; the Academy of St. Martin in the Fields; the Orchestre de la Société des Concerts du Conservatoire; the London Philharmonic; Herbert von Karajan as director; Robert Shaw as director; Dietrich Fisher-Dieskau as a soloist; Deutsche Grammophon label; Naxos label; etc. If you're really in doubt, just come ask me. I won't be too concerned about a spoiled surprise.)


--Music Scores-- (i.e. sheet music)

Poulenc - Three Novelettes For Piano
Debussy - La Mer
Fauré - Pavane
Bach - Magnificat
Shostikovich - Piano Concerto No. 2
Piazzolla - Adios Nonino

(Please talk to me if you want to deal with these.)


--Video Games--

::Nintendo::
A Nintendo (my roommate owns our current one and it will be gone once he gets married)
Super Mario Bros. / Duck Hunt
Super Mario Bros. 2
Super Mario Bros. 3
Tetris
The Legend of Zelda
The Legend of Zelda II: Link's Adventure
Bubble Bobble

::Super Nintendo::
Chrono Trigger
Secret of Mana
Final Fantasy II (IV in Japan)
Final Fantasy III (VI in Japan)
Super Mario RPG
Mario Kart
Mega Man X
Mega Man 7
Aladdin
The Addams Family

::Sega Genesis::
A Sega Genesis
ToeJam and Earl in Panic on Funkotron
Sonic the Hedgehog
Sonic the Hedgehog 2
Sonic the Hedgehog 3
Sonic and Knuckles
Sonic Spinball
Aladdin
Ecco the Dolphin
Quackshot

::Nintendo 64::
Conker's Bad Fur Day
Banjo-Tooie

::Playstation::
A Playstation
Final Fantasy VII
Final Fantasy VIII
Final Fantasy IX
Xenogears
Chrono Cross
Suikoden
Suikoden 2
Bushido Blade
Bushido Blade 2
Metal Gear Solid
Gran Turismo
Gran Turismo 2
Mega Man 8

::Nintendo GameCube::
A WaveBird Wireless Controller (up to three total, as I already have one and the system only has four ports)
Super Mario Sunshine
Mario Party 4-7
Viewtiful Joe
Viewtiful Joe 2
Crazy Taxi

::Playstation 2::
A Playstation 2
Final Fantasy X
Final Fantasy XII
Capcom vs. SNK 2
Marvel vs. Capcom 2
Ōkami
Soul Calibur III
Xenosaga Episode I: Der Wille zur Macht
Xenosaga Episode II: Jenseits von Gut und Böse
Xenosaga Episode III: Also sprach Zarathustra

::Nintendo Wii::
A Nintendo Wii
Rayman: Raving Rabbids
Boom Blox
Wii Play
Wii Sports
Wii Fit
Super Mario Galaxy
Super Smash Bros. Brawl
Worms: A Space Oddity

::XBOX 360::
An XBOX 360 (my roommate owns our current one and it will be gone once he gets married)
Assassin's Creed
Assassin's Creed 2
Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts & Bolts
Tetris Evolution
Lego Star Wars: The Complete Saga
Star Wars: The Force Unleashed
Soul Calibur IV
Beautiful Katamari
Street Fighter IV

::Playstation 3::
A Playstation 3
LittleBigPlanet
Mirror's Edge
Final Fantasy XIII

::Nintendo DS::
The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks
Mario vs. Donkey Kong 2: March of the Minis
My French Coach
My Japanese Coach
New Super Mario Bros.
Super Dodgeball Brawlers
Tetris DS

::PC::
The Secret of Monkey Island
Monkey Island 2: LeChuck's Revenge
The Curse of Monkey Island
Escape from Monkey Island
Myst III: Exile
Myst IV: Revelation
Myst V: End of Ages
Star Wars Episode I: Pod Racer


--Computer Software / Hardware--

::Software::
Photoshop 7 or above
Finale 2010
Windows 7

::Hardware::
A power cord for a monitor that I bought at Goodwill (VERY helpful)


--Movies--

Please refer to the IMDb list, but here are some highlighted ones...

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (2005)
The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian (2008)
The Dark Knight
Iron Man
King Ralph
Beauty and the Beast (1991, Platinum Edition)
The Teahouse of the August Moon (1956)
Much Ado About Nothing (1993)
Hamlet (1996, Kenneth Branagh)
Eddie Izzard: Glorious


--Practical/Miscellaneous Things--

Gift cards
Money
Swords
Clothes (please ask me first)
- Shirt size = 36/37, 17½-18 collar, X-large (I prefer dress shirts / solid colors, without patterns)
- Pants size = 36 x 30-31 (I prefer slacks / solid, muted colors / usually black, white, tan, and beige)
Black leather bomber jacket
Djembe
Noise-cancelling headphones
Corded power drill (with phillips screwdriver bit, at least)



I figure this is enough to give a good idea of what to look for. PLEASE DO NOT THINK THAT YOU ARE REQUIRED TO GET ME ANYTHING. This is just in case you want to and need an idea of what to look for. That's all. Also, on the linked wishlists might be some rather expensive items. I do not expect anyone to pick those up. Those are on there mostly as wishful thinking.

One day, long ago
Someone told you to believe
And on you went believing
That you could touch the sky
You believed you could fly
Fly to other worlds
And save the ones you knew
You believed in yourself
You believed it could happen
One day...

Then the dreams, they changed
Deeper dreams and longings
The world no longer pained
Your heart filled to full

One day, not so long ago
Someone told you to grow up
Leave the dreams behind
Find where you belong
You put aside the other worlds
And forgot you could save your own
They were lost in the reality
You believed in nothing
You believed it couldn't happen
One day...

Then the dreams, they came back
Longings at your heart
The world is pained
Your heart needs to be full

One day, maybe yesterday
Someone told you to believe
And you remembered the dreams
That you could touch the sky
You believed you could bring down heaven
To an angry world
You could save this world you knew
You believe in yourself
You believe it can happen
One day...

Then the dreams, they're real
Deeper love and longings
The world no longer pained
Your heart filled to full

Then the dreams, a promise
Deeper joy and longings
The world no longer pained
Your heart fills the world

One day...

So, I recently bought an LCD monitor at Goodwill. It was priced at $20 and because of a $10 in-store credit I had, I was able to get it for $10. However, the thing didn't come with a power adapter. Unfortunately, the power adapter is horribly particular and hard to find. I've gone everywhere to try and find a replacement or anything that might work, but it's not been fruitful.

Anyway, it's a Gateway FPD1810 LCD monitor. If you have this same model and have a spare power adapter or a broken monitor that I can salvage the power adapter from, please let me know. I will buy it off you if you are willing to let go of it. Thanks.

One of the difficulties with having eleven years worth of journals on here is that I feel like I am often repeating myself with the things that I need to express on occasion. I spend a lot of time writing about these things, which seem to bubble up from time to time, and there are only so many words that one can throw at one idea before the idea drowns in the explanation. My mind so heavily relies on ideas and concepts that to overstate one is nearly sacrelige. That's not to say that an idea can't be looked at from different angles or approached with a new context, but the introvert that I am screams at the idea of expressing the same thought over and over again.

The way that my mind works is to take and idea or concept, view it from as many different angles as I can imagine or discover, mull it over, try to apply it a little, and then - and only then - make an expression of what I've learned. It frustrates me to no end that the problems that come up in my life time and again require me to express what I've already made my "proclaimations" about, as my brother would put it. It is necessary to my psyche to express what is on my mind because it is the healthy thing to do for my mind and my emotions, but I struggle with what feels like incessant repetition. I want and need to express myself. Yet, I imagine that I am confined by my past expressions.

In truth, I will never be able to express myself the same way twice. I will always have a new perspective and a new context for anything that I might choose to talk about. I am limited by the extent of the English language, unless I decide to start journaling in French - or some other language that I have yet to learn, though I'd then be limited by those languages - but there are no limits to the experiences possible in my life. Any limits are self-imposed, as necessary as some might actually be.

What I need is to convince myself that the expression of my thoughts and feelings outweigh the desire for concise, one-time proclaimations. It's not easy. It goes against the grain of my thought processes, but it is necessary. I hate to sound like a broken record - to dredge up a cliché - but I need to say what I need to say, regardless of whether or not I've said something similar in the past. My psyche is not going to be particularly concerned with what I've written or said before. It's going to be concerned with what it needs to get off it's perverbial chest - to use another cliché.

Anyway, now that I've addressed that, I'll come back later and actually try talking about what's on my mind instead of what's keeping me from talking about what's on my mind. In the meantime, for those who care, this whole rant has been something called "meta-journaling" - or journaling about journaling. This rant is also brought to you by the letters 'k' and 'e' and by support from viewers like you... sorry...

I began my day not quite as I had invisioned doing so today. I woke up early to the sound of someone hammering or pounding away at something in the upstairs apartment. Normally, I kind of try to ignore it and get back to sleep. As I was trying to do so, I noticed that it was raining. That's usuall a comforting thought to me, but I was confused as to why the sound was coming from the wrong direction. In order to locate the source of the sound, I got up and started moving toward it. I simply couldn't understand why the sound of rain was coming from my door. The moment I opened it, everything became as clear as water. Water dripping down from the top of my door frame. Lots of water.

There was a plumber working on the upstairs unit above us. An old, poorly installed, valve broke on him and he didn't know where the water cut-off for the unit was. So, while he's searching for the cut-off, the water's pouring out of the valve and leaking into the space between the floor and our ceiling. The path that the water took was: down the flood/heat lamp and fan fixture in the bathroom, where the worst of it was; into the light fixture in our hallway, which was sealed from dripping, so I only noticed when the light was a different color than it was before; down the light fixture in the center of my roommate's room; and down from the top of the door frames to both our rooms. Luckily, no irreparable damage was done, with maybe the exception of the carpets and whatever is in the space between the ceiling and the upstairs floor. A cleaner service that the landlord uses was called in to vaccuum up the standing water. So, overall, we're fine. We'll just not be turning on a few lights for a few days.

How was your day?

Time for an update...

The big one right now is that my job ended. Tuesday was my last day. Seeing as how it was temporary to begin with and was only dragged on because they hadn't hired anyone yet, it's not entirely surprising to see the end. The reality is that they finally hired someone, so I'm out a job. He's pretty qualified for the job, so I don't think they're going to crash and burn or anything. He's also a nice guy, so it should work out. However, that does leave me in an awkward position. I now have to find a job again.

Now, I'd been trying to find something full time the entire time that I was working this last job. I liked having the job, but I need full time to get anywhere with my finances. The problem was that I was having large amounts of difficulty finding anything. The economy has gotten better since earlier in the year, but, for all the new jobs that are available, there's still just as many people applying for jobs as before. I don't have the level of experience or highly honed skills to make myself float to the top of a very competative job market. I just need a job, not the high corner office cushy job that one applies for with every ounce of strength. However, it seems like every job is being treated like the cushy job by all these very qualified, very determined people. I don't like the idea of putting someone who's highly qualified and in need out of the job just so I can get in there, but I'd rather not go bankrupt either. Needless to say, this is a problem.

Granted, it's only been two days since my job ended. There's only so much a person can do that amount of time. What I have done is I called up Volt temp services to let them know I was active again. They say that they are better off now then they were the last time I was calling in regularly, so I should have better luck this time around. I have yet to land an assignment with them, so we'll see how this goes. It would be great if they can find something for me right off the bat. I won't hold my breath, though.

In other news, I got a couple of my arrangements released as part of an album on OverClocked ReMix. The album is called "Echoes of Betrayal, Light of Redemption" and it's an arrangement project of music from Final Fantasy IV. I have two pieces included in the album, a string quartet, called "Edward's Dream Quartet," and a nice accordian and jazz ensemble piece. Both turned out surprisingly well. The jazz ensemble piece, called "Kind of Green," was posted on OCR itself and has received a lot of good reviews. I'm hoping that the string quartet soon gets posted on the main site too. Go check it out.

Other than that, I'm not really doing as much music as I want to be. It's been difficult to muster the creative juices necessary, but I'm certainly doing a lot more lately than I have in while. Most of my work right now is project based and mostly arrangements at that. I would like to return to writing some original compositions or even work on my own album, which I've planned, but still haven't gotten to. I suppose I just need to get on it, though.

Speaking of my original music, I'm trying to find someone that would create a generic video that I can put my music over and upload to YouTube. I don't have much money, so I'm mostly looking for someone that would be able to do me a favor in that regard. I'm thinking of putting the request up on the forums of OCR. I figure there might be someone there able and willing to help me out. Before I do that, I'm going to try contacting a few people individually first. We'll see.

Emotionally, I feel drained mostly. I feel very much as I always do when I lack stability and the means to make future plans or deal with immediate needs and pressures. I still feel lonely as before and frustrated with my lack of a love life - though, I don't think I'd want to put a girlfriend through my lack of stability right now anyway. I'm grateful for the friends that I do have and those that continue to remember me, but I do still feel lost. I suppose it's just one of those things where my mind and my heart don't particularly agree with one another. I hope they someday soon manage to align, preferably on being in good spirits. Oh, well.

Anyway, that's about the extent of it for now. I know I should be writing in this thing a lot more than I do. I want to write more. Here's to hope...

So, uh... I may have nearly tried to kill myself without knowing it. I generally take sleep aids to help me get a full night of rest (or an approximation of it), though I haven't bothered to in the last couple days. Now, with this whole bout of food poison, I've been taking Imodium AD. Turns out there's a moderate risk of a drug interaction between the two and it has been linked with causing a fatal complication in an otherwise healthy patient before. This is something I did not know until a few seconds ago.

As I was about to take the Unisom and go to bed, I thought about how the liquid version of Imodium AD has a little bit of alcohol in it (0.5%, much like NyQuil), which may not do so well with the sleep aid. I actually couldn't find the listing for the liquid version, so I still don't know if that would be the case, but the drugs themselves are problem enough, apparently.

So, until I no longer need the Imodium AD, I'm going to have to try and get some sleep the old fashioned way... or just hope that the 0.5% alcohol helps enough on its own...

In review: Mixing drugs is bad, kids, so don't do it if you're not an actual doctor.

Well, it looks like I went and picked up some food poison the other night. I haven't been doing all that well since. It seems the worst of it has passed, but my main concern right now is dehydration. I've never been all that good at keeping myself hydrated in good health, so this is a bit of a problem. I don't think it's quite at the point were medical intervention is necessary, but I'm definitely going to have to be on top of drinking water or going out and getting those hydration drinks (I'm told that Gatorade et al are not good because they have too much sugar).

Anyway, that's what's going on now.

Just so there's no confusion, I absolutely love eating fish. I also think that my body, in general, craves Omega-3 fatty acids. However, I just purchased a bottle of Omega-3 supplements, in a kind of gummy drop type form, and I don't think I could handle another one. They're supposed to be flavored in lemon, cherry, and... whatever the other flavor is. Anyway, the smell alone is nauseating and then the aftertaste could take down a horse. It's really bad. I mean it's really bad. At this point, I'd prefer taking the pills or just eating a lot of salmon. Granted, I'd still eat a lot of salmon anyway, if I could afford it, but that's another matter. Anyway, that's all.

I know that I'm coming at this day from the wrong end.... Unfortunately, it seems to be a growing trend as of late. Perhaps the trend was already there and it's just resurfacing for a time. Oh, well. It matters little at the moment. I think a lot of this is a reflection of where I feel I am in life. Adrift. Or maybe just coming at the day from the wrong end. It's hard to say really, but I feel like I've lost a sense of anchoring recently. I feel it in my life and I'm not sure I know how to correct it. The odd thing about it is that I think it's actually tied to my work schedule somehow, which boggles me.

Last year, in September, I took the job of cashier/student accounts representative at the business office for WPC. I didn't quite know it then, but I was starting the best job I have had to date. I also didn't know that it would be over three months later. Aside from that, though, I had a full-time schedule working from 8 AM to 5 PM. I felt accomplished, I felt competent, and I felt needed and wanted. I had co-workers who were amazing and awesome people, who, in their way, both cared for me and treated me as their peer.... I'm actually a bit off topic, but I guess I never really processed it.

Anyway, having that job made having a healthy sleep schedule necessary. As a result, I felt my life fill up. I still had all the same problems I always seem to, but, for that time, I felt more human. I came home at the end of the day tired, but not really worn out. I felt like my life was finally somewhat healthy. I haven't really felt like that since. I have a job again, which I do appreciate and enjoy to some extent, but I'm only working three hours a day in the evening for four days out the week. While I really should make myself go to bed at a decent time to wake up in the morning like a normal human being, I don't. Technically speaking, I could go to bed at six o'clock in the morning - much as I probably will tonight/today - before I run into not having enough sleep. I don't have to keep a healthy schedule and thus I don't. At first, I try to go to bed on time, but, each night, it's one hour later than it was last night. Thus the cycle continues.

I think this has a bad effect on me. I've noticed the my creative output has significantly decreased in the last few months, moreso than it has since I graduated. I'm not just talking about musical compositions. I'm talking poetry, drawings, writings, journals, etc. I feel like the energy to pour into these projects is diminished. I feel diminished. My artwork is a great deal of who I am and to have that drop off bothers me greatly. Artwork is an expression of who I am. When I'm not expressing, I've turned inward. I'm imploding.

This isn't the same kind of depression I'm used to. I'm used to being overwhelmed by my circumstances and having impossible odds to work against. I'm used to the depression that says, I have no idea how I'm going to make it through all this. I'm also used to the kind of depression that comes from loneliness. I'm used to feeling mildly abandoned - a sort of communial, but unintentional, abandonment. These kinds of depression are defeated - albeit with a great deal of energy - by self-talk and logic. I don't understand the kind of depression I'm feeling now. It's almost as though my spirit feels bored and would rather just take a nap than do something productive. Meanwhile, the rest of me is drying up and feeling really empty.

Maybe it's as simple as landing a full-time job or finally having my music pay for itself or whatever. I don't know. I don't know what's going to alleviate this. I don't know what steps I need to take to deal with this. I'm not even sure I know how to express this correctly. Whatever the case, I think I'm done for right now. I know I don't always respond promptly, but I do read ever comment I get. I could use some of your thoughts on this. Thanks.

I know I haven't spent much time updating my journal. I'm sorry for that. So, just as a way of getting anything down at the moment, I'd like to just recap a few of the more interesting things that have happened so far.

Let's see... to start off, I'm still without a full-time job. However, I did pick up a part time job working for good old Warner doing the ADP technical support job that I did two years ago. Bill, the director of Information Services, called me up, said he'd heard that I was unemployed, and offered me the temporary position. Naturally, I accepted. I have that job until they hire someone full-time. While I have put my application in for the position, it's unlikely that I'll land it unless the top contenders don't accept the offer. I am also receiving unemployment benefits from the state, although it is about $25 less with the temp job. Understandable, really. Plus, I am getting food stamps, so I can be assured of having enough meals to survive. Overall, I'm surviving. I'm not really getting ahead, but I'm not falling too far behind, either.

On a different note, I found a free full-size mattress on Craigslist. I just picked it up today and it is very nice. It's nice and very comfortable. I'm going to sleep very well tonight.

Other than that, there's not a whole lot else that doesn't require more dedicated time to write out. I'll try to set aside some time to do so later on. In the meantime, I'm going to go hang out with my roommate - although we still don't know what we'll be doing yet - and then drop by my brother's work to say hello.

It's a scary process of trying to narrow down preferences on the important things of life. Lately, I've been coming to grips with the fact that my favorite artist is actually Bob Ross. I like a lot of the classical genres and there are many individual paintings and drawings that I like, but I can get over the fact that Bob Ross' work just makes me feel good. Rest his soul, he's an amazing artist. I appreciate his sense of composition and adaptation/improvisation. His subject matter is often in great taste - though some can be a little hokey. I've never seen any portrature by him, so I can't speak to that. It might be pretty bad, but, for what I've seen, I really enjoy his work.

( Anyway, moving on... )

As I was just looking up a link for the last paragraph, I read an entry in Wikipedia about one disorder that affects the circadian rhythm, which seems to hit really close to home. The disorder is called Non-24-hour sleep-wake syndrome. Kind of a clunky title, but it seems to describe a lot of what I'm going through most of the time, even before I got laid-off. As soon as I can afford a doctor's visit, I might just ask him or her about this.

Well, I suppose that about wraps up my yearly - it seems - update. I really need a job, I have a possible sleeping disorder, I'm freakin' bored, I badly need social contact, and I need money so I can pay my rent and eveything else. Anyway, that's pretty much it. I hope all of you are doing somewhat better.

It's 2009! I wonder how long it's going to take to get used to writing '09... Anyway, Happy New Year everyone.

On to a different topic. I came across a question in a survey and I actually had no idea how to answer it. The question was "Are you a genius?" Generally, I've always assumed the answer is a little obvious. You either are or you aren't. I've been told I'm a genius before, yet I I'm not so sure I'd actually consider myself one. Please note that I'm not trying to fish for compliments here. I'm just exploring something. I know that I'm smart and intelligent, but I find it hard to believe that I'd be a genius. I suppose it comes down to a definition of "genius". The definition in my head doesn't necessarily include me or the level that I'm at. When I think of a genius, I think of Albert Einstein, Steven Hawkings, Johann Sebastian Bach, Thomas Jefferson, etc. People who have bettered the world with their minds. I'm going to include a few other definitions here.

Here's what Dictionary.com says about "genius":

"1. an exceptional natural capacity of intellect, especially as shown in creative and original work in science, art, music, etc.: the genius of Mozart.
2. a person having such capacity.
3. a person having an extraordinarily high intelligence rating on a psychological test, as an IQ above 140.
4. natural ability or capacity; strong inclination: a special genius for leadership."

Here's what Wikipedia says about "genius":

"A genius is a person who successfully applies a previously unknown technique in the production of a work of art, science or calculation, or who masters and personalizes a known technique. A genius typically possesses great intelligence or remarkable abilities in a specific subject, or shows an exceptional natural capacity of intellect and/or ability, especially in the production of creative and original work, something that has never been seen or evaluated previously. Traits often associated with genius include strong individuality, imagination, uniqueness, and innovative drive.

The term may be applied to someone who is considered gifted in many subjects or in one subject.

Although the term 'genius' is sometimes used to denote the possession of a superior talent in any field, e.g. a particular sport or statesmanship, it has traditionally been understood to denote an exceptional natural capacity of intellect and creative originality in areas of art, literature, philosophy, music, language, science and mathematics."

I think the main problem for me is simply that my perspective is far too subjective to accurately answer the question. Maybe I am. Maybe I'm just normal. I just don't know.

Anyway, who/what do you think as "genius"?

It's always rather interesting to wake up to snow. Compared to other parts of the world, it's probably not that impressive, but, to Portland, it's a veritable blizzard. I haven't yet seen the news, so I don't know how much people are freaking out yet, but the streets are pretty quiet and there's little to disturb the scenery. I was going to have lunch at a little restaurant that's just across the street, but I found that the dining room was closed. The bar section was still open, but I didn't really want to get smoked out and I had no guarantees that I would be able to get a decent meal instead of just bar food, so I just went home and ate some food I'd picked up at Walgreen's earlier.

I'm thankful that I don't have to be anywhere at this time or I imagine my take on the snow would be a little less appreciative. As it is, though, I like seeing the snow and I just hope that people stay safe and non-idiotic out there on the roads. I'm curious to see how this week turns out. The Weather Channel supposedly puts the lows around 9°F for this week. I kind of doubt that it will get there, but I also doubted that there would be this much snow. Who knows? Maybe it will. It would kind of suck for our electric bill, but it would certainly be interesting.

Just as a side note, I'm not certain how to interpret a few loud popping noises that I'm hearing outside. Normally, I'd think they were fireworks, but I've also been told that the sound tree branches make when they fall off in cold weather is similiar. It could also be a car accident, but it seemed to low in the frequency range. Any thoughts?

It's getting close to that time of year again. As a courtesy to those that might feel inclined to look for a present for me, I put up this list as a guide to finding something that probably won't get stuffed away in a closet for years before ending up in a donation box at Goodwill. Now, by putting this up, please know that you are not required to buy me anything. This is not me saying that I cannot live without having my wishlist fulfilled. All this is here for is to help those that are already looking. Don't feel obligated and don't feel guilted into getting me anything. In most cases, just being able to hang out with you is pretty good in itself. I'm not that difficult to please, for the most part. :P

I already have some very helpful lists published from Amazon.com, IMDb, and Weaponmasters.com:

Amazon.com wishlist
IMDb list of movies I'd like to buy (DVDs please)
Weaponmasters wishlist

Aside from those, I have some other general things:


--Books-- (preferably unabridged)

The Merry Advantures of Robin Hood by Howard Pyle
Pilgrim's Progress by John Bunyan
The Canterbury Tales by Geoffrey Chaucer
The Ethics of Ambiguity by Simone de Beauvoir
Meditations on First Philosophy by René Descartes
The Free Choice of the Will by Augustine of Hippo
The Republic by Plato
Les Miserablés by Victor Hugo
Robinson Crusoe by Daniel Defoe
Gulliver's Travels by Jonathan Swift
The Science of Discworld I, II, & III by Terry Pratchett
20,000 Leagues Under the Sea by Jules Verne
Around the World in Eighty Days by Jules Verne
Siddartha by Herman Hesse
The Adventures of Tom Saywer by Mark Twain
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
Things Fall Apart by Chenua Achebe
The Hunchback of Notre Dame by Victor Hugo
Person and Personage by Victor Tournier
Infinity and the Mind by Walter Ong
The Cloud of Unknowing by Anonymous
Musicophila by Oliver Sacks
The Three Musketeers (a series of six books) by Alexander Dumas


(For those books that were written in another language, the original language would mean a lot to me, but I also wouldn't be able to read them... use your best judgement...)


--Artwork--

If you want to buy me art, use these two links as a guide of what would fit my tastes...

Paths and Trails on Art.com
Favorites list on deviantART

I'm also looking for frames, but you should talk to me before getting any, as I would need to get the measurements right...


--Music CDs--

Sting - My Funny Valentine (Japanese release/import via Amazon)
Sting - Sacred Love
Jake Shimabukuro - Dragon
Michael Giacchino - Ratatouille (soundtrack)
Howard Shore - Lord of the Rings soundtracks (all of them)
Turtle Island String Quartet - (anything really, since I don't have any of their albums)
Eric Whitacre - (anything really, since I don't have any of his albums)
Astor Piazzolla - (anything really)
Johann Sebastian Bach - (any organ works)
Stevie Wonder - Hotter than July (1980)
Stevie Wonder - Innervisions (1973)


CDs that contain...

Poulenc - Three Novelettes For Piano
Ravel - String Quartet in F Major
Ravel - Daphnis et Chloé
Bach - Mass in B minor
Bach - Magnificat
Shostikovich - Piano Concerto No. 2
Debussy - La Mer
Debussy - String Quartet in G minor
Copland - Appalachian Spring
Copland - Arrangement of The Tender Land for orchestra

(If in doubt, look for: the Vienna Philharmonic; the Cleveland Philharmonic; the Academy of St. Martin in the Fields; the Orchestre de la Société des Concerts du Conservatoire; the London Philharmonic; Herbert von Karajan as director; Robert Shaw as director; Dietrich Fisher-Dieskau as a soloist; Deutsche Grammophon label; Naxos label; etc. If you're really in doubt, just come ask me. I won't be too concerned about a spoiled surprise.)


--Music Scores-- (i.e. sheet music)

Poulenc - Three Novelettes For Piano
Debussy - La Mer
Brahms - Ein Deutsche Requiem
Fauré - Pavane
Bach - Magnificat
Shostikovich - Piano Concerto No. 2
Piazzolla - Adios Nonino

(Please talk to me if you want to deal with these.)


--Movies--

Please refer to the IMDb list, but here are some highlighted ones...

1776
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (2005)
The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian (2008)
The Dark Knight
Iron Man
King Ralph
Keeping the Faith
Beauty and the Beast (1991, Platinum Edition)
The Teahouse of the August Moon (1956)
Much Ado About Nothing (1993)
Hamlet (1996, Kenneth Branagh)


--Practical/Miscellaneous Things--

Gift cards
Money
Swords
Clothes (please ask me first)
Black leather bomber jacket
Djembe
Portable MP3 player
Noise-cancelling headphones
Corded power drill (with phillips screwdriver bit, at least)



I figure this is enough to give a good idea of what to look for. PLEASE DO NOT THINK THAT YOU ARE REQUIRED TO GET ME ANYTHING. This is just in case you want to and need an idea of what to look for. That's all. Also, on the linked wishlists might be some rather expensive items. I do not expect anyone to pick those up. Those are on there mostly as wishful thinking.

Let us remember that today is the making of history. Yes, we have voted into office our first African-American President of the United States of America. More importantly though, the nation, as a whole, is now taking its first steps into a period of transition. This transition will be one of the most remarkable changes our nation has made for generations. The face of our country will never be the same. However, we will not know what that change will look like before it happens. Let us remember that, regardless of who we voted for, we are Americans. We have all chosen. Now is the time to act. I do not believe in blindly following whoever is in charge, but I believe in supporting and encouraging that leader to make the right decisions and the right judgements. We are Americans. Let us remember that always. Remember that what makes us American is not who we voted for, but how we act come the day after. We are the People of the United States of America. Let us remember that always. Our President now needs us to help him serve the nation to the best of his abilities and to the best of ours. Regardless of who you voted for, he is now our President.

God bless Barack Obama, elected 44th President of the United States of America. May he guide the People in wisdom and in truth. May we guide him in righteousness and integrity. And may the world be impacted for the better from our pursuits.

The reason that I'm awake so early is because my body decided it hated me and gave me a Charlie-horse and has been threatening to give me another in my other leg. This comes at the end of a couple days of what I'm assuming is mild food poisoning. I'm assuming this because, for the last several days, I've been feeling queasy with a dull, achy pain in my intestinal regions. The dull, achy pain has diminished somewhat due to the fact that I might have located the source: slightly expired milk. When I say slightly, I mean it. It's barely a few days past the expiration date. I've been using it everyday for my breakfasts - which have increased in importance for me - and assumed that it would last long enough to finish it off. Apparently, it didn't agree. So, I'm going to dump the rest and buy a new gallon that is, hopefully, with a much farther away expiration date. Unfortunately, Walgreen's doesn't open for another two or three hours.

In a rare move on my part, I've been watching the political debates going on between McCain and Obama. Now, I usually hate politics in general and avoid them like the plague. However, I'm finding that I need to be more informed in my decision come November 4th. Truth be told, I don't like either candidate.

I'm still a young voter, but I've been aware of many presidential campaigns in my lifetime - Bush Sr. vs. Clinton, Clinton vs. Dole, Gore vs. Bush, Bush vs. Kerry, and now Obama vs. McCain. I did vote in the Bush vs. Kerry election, but I feel that my vote was, by most measures, insincere. I've also heard many say that I should not vote for either candidate if I don't like either one of them - i.e. not vote - or to vote for a third party candidate. Problem is, I don't like any of the third party candidates either and I don't want to avoid what should be my responsibility to vote.

I am by definition an undecided voter. ( However, I can already see my tendencies forming after having watched both presidential debates and the vice-presidential debate. )

The results from the POA Competition have come back. I did not win. Don't really surprise me a whole lot, but it still isn't fun not winning. Anyway, I requested the critiques from the judges, so we'll see if they have any constructive advice for getting better.

It's difficult for me to consider my music at a level of being professional. I know that I work hard at it and that I have received a lot of praise for it, but there's just that boundary between making music because it's the extension of my soul to making music to bought and paid for. It's one thing to receive a commission, where a piece of music is written to the specifications of the client. It becomes more of a service and is a little more justifiable. However, taking the music that I have written because I want to and because I need to and then selling it has always seemed difficult to me.

One of my main philosophies concerning music is that I am not willing to write something that I am not willing to listen to. In fact, the way in which I write music involves so much listening to what I'm writing, that it would be nearly impossible to continue writing if I didn't like it. Granted, my tastes in music will change gradually over time and many of the pieces that I've written will fall off my palette. Many times, I find that they'll fall off and come back on years later. Ultimately, this means that I don't write for a very large audience. Specifically, I write for an audience of one... me.

I think partially that I'm terribly afraid my tastes in music are so divergent from the tastes of other people. This makes the idea of attempting to sell music to people like trying to sell them things that they don't want. I'm not enough of a superstar that I can just make people buy whatever hopeless drivel I shove down their throats. I'm also concerned about my integrity. I don't want to charge people for something they don't think is worth it. Then again, how do I know if something is not going to sell or not worth it unless it's available to buy?

Another problem I'm up against is that classical music is not really that popular. Sub-consciously, it's everywhere and it's used for everything from commercials to movies to background music in elevators, etc. However, in the forefront of most people - at least most people that I've come across - has not been a willingness to go out and buy a CD that is strictly classical music. Classical musicians will, yes, but not very many lay people do unless they're of an earlier generation. The "cool" kids on the street are not going to crowd the release party of a new recording of Bach's Cello Suites - not unless they just want the free food or booze.

I'm also running against my own personal history. I have written well over ninety pieces of music in the last five years or so. I've placed most of them on my personal website and on Soundclick. All of them have been available for free. Considering the quality of what I have posted, I feel that anything I ask people to pay for must be extraordinary and the highest quality I can write. Short of having a professional orchestra on hand to play every piece of mine, I don't feel like I've been able to write at that level yet. And so, every new piece that I've written has been posted for free. And I don't like the idea of making someone pay for something that is available for free.

As an aspiring professional composer, I really don't have a whole lot to show to someone when they ask me for a sample of my work. I can point out several of my pieces and say, listen to this, but it's all haphazard and not really coherent, in terms of an appropriate sample of my music. I've attempted assembling a number of my pieces into "albums", which I could then sell or show together. My attempts haven't been successful - often for reasons I mentioned above.

In the last few months, I've been playing with the idea of creating a set of music specifically designed for the purpose of an album. Instead of trying to piece together a bunch of random pieces, I'd write all new pieces in a coherent fashion that together created a collective whole of an album. How different is this from writing a symphony or a suite? Not a whole lot, really. The album is the modern contribution to the musical forms. The only difference is that an album is determined by the number of tracks and the capacity of the medium it's on.

In my case, it will be enough to fit on a single CD - without too much left over and without too much over the limit of the CD. At this point in my career, I don't have an orchestra on standby to record all my pieces, so I'm going to have to do the best I can with samples - particularly Garritan Personal Orchestra, unless I can't get someone in my network to record it with better samples.

What I wish I could say is that from this point on, I'm going to write one piece every month and, by the end of ten to twelve months, I'll have an album. I have a feeling it's not going to work that way. Truth be told, I'm probably going to get inspired at some point - I'd love for it to be tomorrow of even tonight - to write a good section of the album. The rest will linger a little until I get another boost. And the process will continue as such. It's kind of the curse of an artist. I can try to rush it, but it will sound like crap, so I'd rather not - especially if I'm going to ask people to pay for it.

Simply put, all this was my long-winded way of letting everyone know that I'm going to be working on an album that I intend to sell - hopefully with great success. I'll try to keep up-to-date with the progress on it as I go.

So, I had two interviews this week. One was at Warner for a position at the business office. The other is a position that Volt had me try out for. Both are full time, nine to five, administrative positions. They're both temporary positions, but still either one would be nice. What's really cool is that I probably have a good shot of at least getting one of them. The one that Volt set up pays more, so I'd be taking that one if it were offered. The Warner one would also be great. I know the people there and I know the atmosphere well enough. It just doesn't pay as much as the other one. However, both would pay more than I'm making right now. Also, both are relatively nearby, instead of out at the airport. Warner is, well Warner, so that's close - the 4 still sucks though. The other one is right off of the 17, which goes right in front of my house. It takes about fifteen minutes to get there. It's wonderful. Plus, both would need me to start within the next week. Basically, I could be gone and away from security very, very soon. Hallelujah!

In other news, I need to get cracking on my composition for one of my contests. The deadline is September 15, so I don't have a lot of time left. I've been struggling to write anything lately, what with my job situation as it is currently. I'm hoping I can take some time this weekend to put it together. With the prospect of a new job, it may end up being actually possible to pull it off. Stress and composition are not easily partnered.

Other than that, I'm really tired. I've not gotten a lot of sleep in the last couple days. I think in the last forty-eight hours, I've had about seven non-consecutive hours of sleep. Having a day job will be a major relief on that end. I've just not been able to sleep during the day very effectively. Even the Unisom isn't helping as much anymore. Although, if I get the downtown one, they'd want me to start on Friday. That means I'd be leaving the airport to go right to work. So, that will be a little hard. Totally worth it, though.

So, could you tell that this has mostly been about my potential future employment?

Update (8-28-08): I got the Warner job. I just need to hear back from the downtown one, which will be hopefully some time today. Either way... NO MORE SECURITY!!! Hmm... out of context, that doesn't sound so good. :P

Update 2 (8-28-08): Okay, so I didn't get my first choice, but that's okay. I'll now be working for Warner! I called in to let them know I accepted the position. I also called to my operations manager to let him know that I resigned. I had to leave a message, but I'm sure I'll be getting a call at some point. I let him know that tonight would be my last night on the job. As for the new job at Warner, I start on Tuesday - Monday being Labor Day and all. Yay!

There are certain people in my life that I sort of just assumed would always be there. People like my mom or my brother. Granted, I'm well aware of the fact that mortality is something that we cannot escape, save intervention from God. It's just that the mind constructs around these people as though they are pillars of an unshakeable foundation rooted in the core of the Earth itself. It is no wonder then that the loss of one of these pillars is so unbelievable that the mind simply does not comprehend it's absense. To think that someone so essential to the framing of the mind can die defies the structure of it all. The mind protects its structures and reinforces them at every step. That is, until the step falls out from under it.

I say all this because I have had one of my pillars die this morning. My uncle Frank, or "Corky" as we always called him, passed away from the leukemia he's been battling for the last couple years or so. To say I didn't see this coming would be foolish and immature, but, at the same time, he's been one of those constants in my life. I just never really considered his mortality as part of my reality. Now that he's gone, I'm more shocked than anything. I'm very sad, but I don't think I've fully comprehended it yet. I think there's a whole lot more I'm going to have to deal with later.

This is not the first time someone close to me has died. At any given moment, I could name off a dozen people while still forgetting to mention several more. One of my first - of many - thoughts this morning was a concern that I was getting too accustomed to death. I think I am prone to stuff away my emotions or shove them in directions - such as art - that may bottleneck later, instead of letting them take their course or deal with them directly. Most of the time, I think I do it because it's inconvenient to take the appropriate time to deal with the grief and other emotions. The truth is death is always inconvenient. There are good things about death - such as relief from suffering - that make death's timing a little easier to bare, but there are always unfinished projects, unfinished conversations and laughs, and unfinished dreams. There is always something that needs to be done instead of grieving. There's always work and jobs and there will always be the art of keeping up appearences. And yes, these are things which can't simply be shoved aside. It's far easier to put away the emotions for a better time - which never does come, by the way. It should be no surprise, then, that I was at first very tempted to shut away my feelings and try to live out the rest of the day until I could figure out what I thought about the whole thing.

I would like to keep from bottling up my emotions over my uncle's death. I wish I could take a few days off work - although I probably could with this excuse - to really meditate on it, but I know that I will just have to go back again eventually. Seeing as how I'm working graveyard currently, I can probably get away with my meditation there. Not that the setting is particularly appealing, but it's what I've got at the moment. At the same time, I'm not entirely sure I know what it means to deal with it. I don't think anyone can really answer that one, though. I'm sure there are many books out there by very smart and intelligent psychologists and philosophers on the matter, but I think it comes down to each person differently. I've got to find out what it means for myself. I just know that bottling it up won't cut it.

In the meantime, I - like the good musician I am - have started by turning to music. I'm currently listening to Gabriel Fauré's Requiem, which has greatly helped me in the past. Music scholars often refer to it as the "Lullaby Requiem" because of the calm and lyrical feel it has. I prefer it to all the other major requiems written for almost his exact reason. It seems a more mature approach at dealing with death than the usually violent or grandiose settings of Verdi or Mozart or even Britten. They're all wonderfull pieces of music, but Fauré's seems the most... healthy, for lack of a better word.

Anyway, for those of you who find prayer an appropriate response, please be praying for my uncle's family - especially his wife, children, and his children's families - and my mom and my other uncle - who are probably taking this particularly hard. Thanks.

Here's where I stand at this moment. I've been working at my job for two years now. I have never wanted - and had reason - to quit than I do now. However, I need to pay rent, so I can't do anything until I get a new job. I had attempted applying at T-Mobile, but missed the mark in the interview. Now, I've applied - and been accepted - with Volt, which is a temp agency. Thankfully, my skill-set is very easy to place for a clerical position - which is what I want - and I'm practically guaranteed nothing under $10 an hour. The problem is just placing me in a good location. So, I'm waiting to hear on that. Until then, I'm still at my site.

( Read more... )

In other news, my concert with the Rain City Symphony will be on March 11, 2009. The location and ticket prices haven't really been announced, but, if you will be in Seattle around then, please think of dropping in on the concert. There's also a dress rehearsal on March 4, 2009 if you can't make it to the main one. This will be the world premiere for my piece "Awaiting Halcyon". I'll post more details as I get them.

I could go on about what else is happening in my life right now, but I'm falling asleep. I'm trying to adjust my sleep pattern before I start my first grave shift on Sunday night. It's not working all that well. If I can't stay awake until at least 6 AM tomorrow, then I'll be pretty screwed.

Good night.

My heart burns over so insignificant of things
For a small grain of guilt, my mind trembles
Over a word spoken out of place
Over an action that no one noticed
Over a thought that affected no one
And here I am, ashamed
Why?
My guilt is not over some grevious sin
My pain is not for some horrendous wrong
My suffering is not over evil and spite
It's over nothing
A word, an action, a thought
Why?
Images - vivid and searing - in my brain
A word that would be laughed about by anyone else
An action that would be joked about later
A thought that few would even pay attention to
I've remembered them all
Why?
Why must I be crippled over this?
Why should I be in pain for so little?
These words mean nothing!
These actions are just moments in time!
These thoughts are gone in a instant!
The past is the past
Leave it be!
Why?
Why must I suffer for so little?...

a) Tell you why I friended you.
b) Associate you with something - fandom, a song, a colour, a photo, etc.
c) Tell you something I like about you.
d) Tell you a memory I have of you.
e) Ask something I've always wanted to know about you.
f) Tell you my favorite user pic of yours.
g) In return, you must post this in your LJ.

(As violently demanded by samhobbits :P )

My Dearest Love,

I know it has been too long since I last wrote to you. I have many concerns on my heart that I wish for you to know. Most importantly, I want you to know that I greatly long for you to be here with me. I pray I find you soon. I only wish I knew where to look.

One of my biggest concerns is that I have not been doing a good enough job preparing myself for you. I feel like I have been wallowing in my loneliness instead of working on finding you. There's the old saying that I should be happy as a single before I can be happy as part of a couple, but I am finding that to be of little comfort or constructive use. At the same time, I am uncertain of whether or not I should be looking for you at all. I don't know if I am supposed to look or if you are supposed to find me. I'm also afraid that neither of us will find each other at all or - worse yet - that we've already found each other and passed on by. It pains me to even consider that I may never know you.

I keep seeing glimpses of you in the women I meet and know. It bothers me greatly. Those sudden glimpses always fade and I am left with an even stronger pain in my chest. It is like having you ripped away from me a million times over. Each time is more painful than the last. I want these brief glimpses to become a permanent vision of you.

Please know that I still wait and look for you. I want to meet you more than anything in this world. There are too many moment that we have yet to share. I want to spend my life with you - as much of it as possible. Though I will wait, I must admit that I grows more difficult each day. I wish you were already here.

Even beyond the end of days, I will love you. I have always loved you and will continue to do so. Find your way to me soon, as I find my way to you.


Your future husband,
Kenneth Keyn

So, why am I online - knowing full well that I need to wake up in roughly four hours - instead of bed? Well, I'm pretty sure stress is in there somewhere. I'm really stressed out because of an impending move that will need to take place within the next week. Jeremy and I got an apartment, after a frantic month of searching. It was a financial nightmare to set up. It took Jeremy's dad taking out a loan - which we will be responsible for paying him back on - in order to cover the deposit and first month's rent. The rent will be $695 a month, which means Jeremy and I will be paying $347.50 a piece. The only utilities we'll pay for are electric and internet/cable. I'd prefer not to have cable, but it's hard to get just internet on its own. It also has a dishwasher - thank God! There is on-site laundry, but it's like $2.50 a load. There's no storage, so we'll have to get rid of a lot of stuff, as it is also a smaller unit than Tabor Terrace.

I was troubled about how the apartment would be set up, in terms of furniture. I am particularly picky about how everything is arranged, as it plays on my psyche as well as my sense of artistic pride. I'd feel like a idiot if I couldn't arrange my living space with some sense of creativity. Anyway, using an online floor planner, I used measurements from the apartment and various pieces of furniture to create a layout. I'm not sure how accurate the measurements were, but at least it's an idea of what it will look like. I hope it translates well.

Also on my mind, is that I'm soon to be paying off my student loans. I realize that they're willing to work with me as much as possible, but I really don't know how I'm going to do it in the long run. My career doesn't pay unless I get a miraculous break and my job is shitty and is doubtfully going to lead to any advancement. I do plan on pursuing better employment, but I was also considering going to my district manager and see if there was anything inside the company that would pay better.

What's more, I'm concerned with the manner in which my career is going. I seem to be up against a wall in my music. I need a serious break. I wasn't able to get into grad school, again. No one wants to hire me for any projects. I've received no commissions. And I can't seem to find any information on composition contests that have significant rewards - "significant" means just about any reward at this point. What makes it worse is that, because of all the time that I have to work and deal with things, I've not written much music at all lately. Compared to my first official year as a composer - where I composed around sixty pieces of music - I've been doing practically nothing. I need time to compose.

I'm going to attempt to go back to sleep now... Hopefully it will work...

To be honest, I never thought I'd ever be thankful for having student debt. I'm sure many of you are aware of - and some paniced by - the fact that today, April 15th, is the day when tax forms are due. I was particularly freaked out because of my situation regarding a certain sum being owed to the government because of my... inconsiderate employers messing up my W-4. I had prepared my taxes online, but the site I was using wouldn't allow me to set up a payment plan - only the full amount would suffice. So, I'd put off doing anything until I figured out what to do.

Turns out, Jeremy had also put off his taxes - not for the same reason - and decided to fill them out, what would now be, yesterday. The site that he does taxes on includes a rather interesting section that I hadn't noticed on my tax site. There seemed to be a section devoted to Education Deductions. Well, turns out, if you paid tuition - not referring to paying off loans, but to the expenses that the loans cover - you are eligible for up to $4000 in deductions.

When I heard that Jeremy had done that, I asked him which site he was using, transferred my tax info over to it, filled it out up to the point of that section, and then went diving through all my old mail to find my tuition statement for 2007. Now, under normal circumstances, I'd be kind of pissed off by the results of my taxes. However, in light of what they might have been, I am elated. I went from owing the government $353 to being owed $15. I also had to pay $60 to the state of Oregon, but compared to $353, that's cakewalk.

Needless to say, I am wonderfully relieved. I'm also looking forward to my incentive check - which now won't go to paying off my taxes. Of course, Jeremy's tax return is going to be amazing. Yet, while I'm tempted to be envious, I can't help but be thankful for the near miss on this practically certain fíasco.

Next thing on my list; going down to the district office on Wednesday to correct my W-4.

Are the things that I am sacrificing worth the purpose for which they sacrificed? More importantly, is my purpose worth what I am sacrificing? These are questions that imply meaning deeper than the words with which they are expressed. I do not know my purpose. I do not know that which calls me from a deep longing – or some other emotion which has no name – and I do not know where it expects me to go. I have made my plans and I know the course that I would desire to go, but I do not yet know my purpose. I expect my purpose will reveal itself once it has been accomplished or death take me… or perhaps both. I do not know my purpose, but I know what I have sacrificed and what I still sacrifice.

I have sacrificed love. While it is within me to question whether or not I mean all forms of love – i.e. “love your neighbor” – I believe I am specifically talking about the love between man and woman. For seven years, I deliberately sacrificed love under my Commitment because I feared I would taint it for the one true love I knew I would find. I did not realize that, even after releasing myself from the commitment, I would still shape myself in a way that sacrificed love. And yet, I have not found her. The one true love has eluded me so far and I have to consider whether or not it is because I have sacrificed her. Perhaps I have sacrificed her in the name of finding her.

I have sacrificed friendship. This hurts me a great deal to admit, but I cannot deny that I have hurt those around me by my sacrifices. I aspire to a noble purpose that I cannot define and lose sight of my friends and their needs. I am not sure I know how to explain this one further, but I feel it. I am detached from them.

I have sacrificed family. In my pursuit of this purpose, I have ignored my family. I have lived up to the title of “Lost Child” – as is the role of the youngest child in a dysfunctional family model. I have gone out on my own, saying, “No, thank you. I can do it,” to my family time and time again. It is a true wonder that my brother continues to stick with me.

I have sacrificed God. I have questioned and questioned and come up with only more questions. I have become wary of anything that claims to be answers. Even names that we have attributed to our Creator – a name in its own right – are not without question in my heart. In all this tumult, I have found much truth and experience, but I have lost some of my relationship with the Divine. To say I have lost it all would be a bit drastic, but I spent more time with the questions than I do in my relationship. I have been living in liminality, expecting to find communitas with God – for lack of a better name.

All these and more have I sacrificed… all for this nameless purpose which has not revealed itself to me. What bothers me more is that I, since I do not know my purpose, I have no way of being assured that my purpose exists. The possibility that my purpose exists only because I say it does is too big a possibility to ignore. It is to say that I have purpose because I believe I have purpose, instead of believing I have purpose because I do, in fact, have purpose. Then I must question whether or not the sense of purpose is more important than the purpose itself. Is it more important that I believe I have purpose than the reality of purpose itself? Is my purpose to remind myself that I am human? Terry Pratchett claims that humans must remind each other that we are humans. We are not human until we remind each other we are. Who will remind me? Myself? Am I qualified?

There seems to be a common trend in the things in which I have sacrificed – or, at least, the things in which I recognize that I have sacrificed. The commonality is people. Human beings are what I have sacrificed. Love, friendship, family, God… these are things which are dependent on relationship. I’m not going to suggest that God is human – Jesus was, not God, and it’s a conversation for later – but the idea of human relationship is there. I have placed my focus upwards and been blinded to that around me. I have sacrificed humanity. How can I be human without humanity? I am, for the sake of argument, alien. That which is not human is alien. Does that mean I came from Mars and landed on Earth in a spaceship? No. It simply means that I am a creature called “human”, but I lack humanity. I need to be reminded of my humanity. As I have said on many occasions, we often need to be reminded the most about that which we know best. I am human, but I need to be reminded of it.

Perhaps a Zen approach is necessary. The philosophy of Zen simply states that the purposes of various things are simply to be what they are. What is the purpose of a tree? To be a tree. What is the purpose of a fish? To be a fish. What my purpose? Perhaps it is simply to be myself. Or perhaps not. The point is that I don’t know. I simply have to keep exploring the possibilities.

Lest we be sucked into a rant about possibilities and the ultimate anguish of freedom – a la Sartre – I think I’m going to wrap up for now. Simply put, I have a lot on my mind. I question where I am in life and what it is that I have chosen to do with it and all sorts of things like that. I am tired and exhausted from all the questions, but I refuse to stop asking them. It is too easy to make assumptions about things. It is too easy to simply live my life like a drone. I cannot be satisfied by fading into the background – thank you Roger S. Jones. I am not content with a prefabricated and bricolage universe – thank you Lev Vygotsky and Claude Lévi-Strauss. I cannot deny a sense of purpose in my life, but I am so frustrated that I do not know if I am doing that which would fulfill it. In a nutshell, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

These are just thoughts.

Allow me to explain what has been going on lately...

First, I got rejected for grad school, again. That doesn't mean I won't still try, but it means that I am deferred another year, at least. It also means I'm in Portland for a little while longer. I'm frustrated and a little heart-broken, but I'm not horribly crushed. I just need to keep working at it. What this won't defer, however, are my student loan payments. I am not looking forward to that.

Secondly, I need to move out by May 11. During the summer, they're closing down the last remaining building to be remodeled. What this does is displaces all the students in that building to the other two. Then, there's a huge flux of students from the dorms that want to stay on campus during the summer. The college then decides - instead of the plan that is in place now, which is $280 a month for each individual - that they will now rent each unit at $1000 a month. With just Jeremy and I, that's $500 a piece per month. Neither of us can afford that and, even if we could, we could rent a house for that much and have more room. So, he an I are on the apartment hunt. Realistically, we're looking for a two bedroom apartment that is from about $550ish to $700 per month. It's proving a little difficult. The other problem is that we have to find a place that is close to both our workplaces and Jeremy's church. If any of you - those of you in Portland, obviously - see anything or know of anything, please let me know.

Third, I still don't like my job anymore and want to find something else. I need to get rolling on that because the summer hires are going to be coming up pretty soon and I need to get in before that happens.

Fourth, I hate money...

Erik would've been 23 today...

I have often said that I make a distinction between what I feel and what I know. While the basic idea behind this remains solid, I think I need to make a modification to it. After all, the primary function of a theory is to be proven wrong. Anyway, instead of saying I make a distinction, which I do, I need to include that I make this distinction, but that does not mean that what I know isn't informed by what I feel. With that comes the realization that what I feel can often be informed by what I think.

What has helped me in understanding the issue - the the best of my ability - is a new definition of what "feelings" are. Feelings are thought about emotions. There is no such thing as a "sad" emotion. You feel sad. Obviously, there are the gnawing emotions that are wordless and raw creature emotions which feed into the feeling of "sadness" and such. But sadness is not an emotion.

Taking a look at how I've directed my life in the past, I can see where this new definition would have been helpful. Long ago, I sought to control my emotions. The best I could do was reflect on my feelings. I failed because I thought that my emotions were something my mind could control. I can choose how I react to my emotions, and specifically my feelings, but the emotions themselves are untouchable. I must instead learn to treat them, not as enemies of my mind, but as informers of my reality. They do not direct my reality, but they give necessary information toward the construction and interpretation of what is real.

Now the real challenge comes in trying to integrate this into my life. The way my life is set up now, there's no room for emotions as important information. Should they rule me? No. I simply need to start giving them an ear. Otherwise, I'm going to be faced with the same problem I've been struggling with my entire self-aware life. My emotions will well up and break any dam I attempt to place in front of them. I need to re-learn. I need to re-structure. And I need to do it on my own.

That said, it doesn't mean I don't want input from others or to be isolated. That is farthest from what I need right now. I am simply saying that no one else can do this for me. I just don't know what to do yet.

I know it's been a while since I last updated my journal. My apologies. That said, I was hoping I might be able to get some help from those of you out there that might actually be reading this. I am looking to see if I can't land a different job. As such, I needed to draw up a new resume - seeing as how I only had an artistic resume. If you could, would you please look over my resume and tell me what you think about it. This is not to say I doubt my abilities to put one together, but I'd like to sharpen it, so it is more likely to attract the attention of potential employers. Read away:

My Customer Service Resume (Word Document)

We have taken the stars
And bolted them to the ground
To be trampled on by our industry
We who play as God
So bound to our creation
Suffer at the hands of our imitation

So, I just got screwed out of a lot of money. Again. This time, it's with the federal government. I just did the preliminary work on my taxes. Lovely AlliedBarton decided that I was married and should have three state tax exemptions. I made a little over ten-thousand for 2007 and with those tax exemptions, I now owe the government $353. WHY?! I'm really really pissed. I honestly don't know where I'm going to come up with that much. What's worse is that the IRS doesn't seem to do payment plans. It's got to be paid in one big fat lump sum. I'm really pissed. I hate money. I'm particularly hating AlliedBarton right now. This sucks. I don't need this.

I'm really hoping Congress puts those economic stimulation programs into effect soon. I really use a check right about now.

I officially completely everything academic for my undergraduate degree. All that's left is to pay off the business office and I'll have my diploma in hand. While I did graduate in December, I did so under the condition that I would take a CLEP test to cover a general core credit that I was missing. I took the test on Introduction to Sociology - which I didn't really study for - and passed by six points. There are a hundred questions and passing is fifty or more correct answers. I got a fifty-six. I may have earned a BA in music, but I studied for BS. Whatever the result, I don't think I'll ever want to try that again. I cut it too close this time.

To celebrate, Jeremy and I went out to Claim Jumpers at Clackamas Town Center. The last time I went to a Claim Jumpers was in California, about fifteen years ago. Anyway, the food was amazing. Jeremy had the Widow Maker - which, to his surprise, made him feel really full - and I had some poached salmon. We knew it was going to be a little expensive going in, but I think I may not have thought things through a little. Jeremy's burger was about ten dollars. My salmon ended up being twenty-two dollars. You know you're in for an expensive dinner when the menu shows for the price, "market price." It was amazingly good, though, so well worth it. The thought of any desserts - which were massive portions in themselves - was simply too much for us. We paid and left.

I think I'm going to have to be frugal for a little while now. Today adds to the events of Saturday, monetarily. What happened Saturday? I had the day off and decided to spend the day with Jeremy. We went to see "The Bucket List" with Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson - excellent movie, by the way - and made a trip to Classical Millennium. I'm sorry, but I can't walk into Classical Millennium without buying a CD. It's like a candy shop for me. My last time in, I picked up a copy of Astor Piazzolla and Francis Poulenc. Saturday, I picked up another Poulenc and some Shostakovich. Good stuff.

Today has been weary. My day began with two separate phone calls before my alarms went off. It's not fun to be awake to hear them go off. Shortly after, Loren knocked on the door because he wanted to continue playing Need for Speed on the XBox 360. I finished getting ready and left a little before noon - usually perfect timing to catch the right buses. I ended up waiting close to the maximum amount of time for each bus and the MAX. Luckily, I plan for such occasion by leaving two hours early. The 72, in particular, was irritating in that it was packed and kept getting wheelchairs. Lunch suck and all the other staple "woe is me" things.

Aside from that, I 'm starting to become overwhelmed in everything. I've so many more things to pay off and not enough money to pay them off with. I'm at the point where I simply no longer like my job. It's been over a year and a half and I'm just tired of it. Also, very heavy on my mind is that I am lonely. It's tearing into me as of late.

I'm afraid I won't ever find who I'm looking for. Worse yet, I'm not certain I'm looking for the right girl. I have this magnificent image of a woman in my mind. She's beautiful in all the ways I mean beautiful, intelligent beyond compare, and has a heart that could melt stone. She has strong moral and ethical convictions, is independent and strong-willed, yet is meek and humble. Oh, and she's my age. In reality... non-existent.

This woman sounds like a dream - and probably is. Yet, I've always been told I shouldn't compromise on matters such as these. "The perfect girl is out there," they tell me. There are a lot of people out there. So many, in fact, that I could meet a new person every day for the rest of my life and still never meet them all. My chances are only further thrown off if I'm not looking for the right person. Once data - like married, already seeing someone, gay, etc. - gets factored in, it's all downhill from there. This is, of course, without thinking about the slew of deal-breakers that weigh into the picture. In the rare and hopeless chance that not everyone has been eliminated, there is probably only "the one" left.

The obvious response would be to say that I shouldn't have my standards up so high, but I'm attracted to those qualities for a reason, aren't I? Just because something is so unattainably perfect, doesn't mean I shouldn't search after it. The next question being why I am not searching. I have many answers to that - among which are many "but, I am... sort of..." answers.

Dilemmas such as this would easily lend themselves in favor of pre-arranged marriages, but such is life. One of the thoughts that keep me going is the realization every choice, path, etc. comes with natural consequences - even if it's the right thing to do. Some consequences are imperceptable until ages gone by, but on the whole there are pros and cons to everything. An arranged marriage will have is fair share of problems, just as my current struggle has its disadvantages. A sudden shift to one of the other might provide a moment of bliss, but the consequences would catch up soon enough, once the novelty has worn off. It basically boils down to the old adage, "the grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence." That's more of a paraphrase of the point behind the phrase, though.

This actually brings me back to my job. As I said, I don't like my job anymore. Yet, I don't know if I'll be able to find a better one. I'm going to try looking into a job at Classical Millennium or maybe even Sheet Music Service. I'm concerned that they may not have any openings, enough hours, or enough pay to be able to support me. However, the grass may not be greener, but at least it's in my field.

I'm tired of being in a position that has nothing to do with music. I'm tired of wearing a uniform and questioning whether or not I'm going to survive the bus ride home. I'm tired of sitting in a 6' x 10' pill-shaped box with no privacy or room to stretch. I'm tired of vague and ill-defined policies that I have to enforce and get yelled at when I do. And I am most especially tired of haggling and pleading with employees who barely speak English in order to get a restroom break. I might be pissing my pants, but I won't get a break unless someone is willing to cover me while I'm gone.

Then there's the politics between Budget's employees and us. Then the politics between us and us, which mostly just pisses me off. I'm not going to go into it, but just know that it wearies me. A lot. Schedules that keep shifting, irate customers, policy changes made nearly every day, etc. I'm just plain tired of it.

Sure, it's a good job. It pays well, has the hours I needed while in college, has fairly decent co-workers, is relatively easy to get to on Tri-Met, a good mix of busy and quiet times, etc. I am not saying it's a bad job, nor that I regret getting it. I'm only saying that I am weary of it and I'd like to leave.

So, I have to say that this New Years Eve was rather different from the ones that I've done in the past. The festivities began with a trip to the Oregon Zoo - tickets were free for the Zoo Lights thing they have going. We didn't really get to see much as most of the animals were asleep, since it was dark by the time we got there. Then we came back, got Papa Murphy's pizzas and started a game of Apples to Apples with our neighbors. We started at about 9:00 PM. We ended at 4:30 AM. That is, above all, the longest social game I've ever played. We took no breaks and went through the entire deck of cards. This is the party edition I'm talking about, I should add. It was a very hillarious evening.

Anyway, Happy New Years to everyone! I hope 2008 is better than last year! :P

I suppose I should probably give an update concerning the last week or so. On Saturday, I graduated. I don't have my diploma yet, but that's because I owe the business office money and I need to take a CLEP course. I was allowed to walk in the ceremony, though. In truth, the whole idea hasn't really sunk in yet. So far, the only thing that's changed is that my work now thinks I have tons of free time. I suppose that's true, but there are other things that I need to get done - say doing laundry or getting a haircut, for example. As much as I'm grumbling, I'll appreciate the money later.

Anyway, I don't feel much different. I'm not suddenly smarter or more successful now that I've graduated - at least no more than I did the day before. I suspect that I will be much more aware of it once classes start for everyone else. I'm still living on campus through spring, so I'll get to see everyone trotting off to classes, while I pretty much just work and, hopefully, relax.

Of course, this is just until I am accepted to grad school. I've already sent off another application to New England Conservatory and I plan on sending ones off to Ithaca College, Longy School of Music, and University of Massachusetts Amherst. I'm really shooting for NEC, but my second choice would be Ithaca. Then, hopefully, after two years and another graduation, I'll have to decide about whether or not I want to pursue a doctorate. At that point, it's pretty much to see whether or not I can and to add a fancy title to my name. :P "Dr. Kenneth Keyn"... although, I don't know what my field is going to require. Perhaps, I might need it after all. Who knows? I'm not going to worry about it just yet.

Well, that's a quick summary for everyone. Take care.



(Oh, and I really hate bills...)

Japan admits to lost pension mess

The most important news coming out of Japan this week is this mess over pension plans. The government claims that nearly 50 million Japanese people will have to check whether or not their pension information was accurate. Apparently, in about 20 million pensions, no one can identify who owns what. In a population of only 127.7 million, that's a terribly significant amount. I'm honestly curious what could have caused so massive an error. I want to think that there might have been a glitch in the systems they used to store the information, but I'm willing to bet there might have been some administrative errors in the process, as well. The Japanese people are rather furious about the problem. This might also affect the position of Prime Minister Fukuda, as confidence in his government is not particularly strong at the moment. I'm curious to see if this build up of scandals and mistakes will lead Fukuda to follow the footsteps of his predecessor, Former Prime Minister Shinzo Abe, and resign. Perhaps he'll try to wade through it all. Only time will tell.

McLaren talks about the need for beauty in our lives. In light of that, free write about something that is beautiful. Try your hand at a poem or a song or a story or a painting . . . (if you do something that you can't post here, bring it to me or take a picture and email it, or record it and send it to me).

Then reflect: How do you find mystery, beauty, and/or poetry in your major, in the job you hope to get, and in your life?

A Jay on the Rail
By Kenneth Keyn

We met one day along the path
This fellow and I
We stood in silence
Eye to eye and thought to thought
We waited each for the other
Determined both to outlast the moment
A sound caught my ear
And a worm his gaze
The moment was broken
I continued my walk
He to his flight


Some of the time, I find that the really simple things all around me are the ones that capture me the most. On occasion, I'll be stopped by a bird or a squirrel, just doing what they normally do or a certain vista that I come across. It's the whole "stop and smell the roses" idea. In those little moments, I find so much beauty.

It seems so far removed from what I work to do, particularly with music. I usually aim for amazing masterpieces, but find that the simple things are the ones that stand out the most. I find that if I simply pay attention to what's there, instead of trying to continually add stuff on top of it, I'm more likely to find true beauty. I try to work with this idea by taking the very complex and giving it as much simplicity as possible.

Received some good news...